Baby fever at 45
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Anonymous
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I would not bring a baby into an unhappy home. The baby won’t create happiness.
I have 3 kids. All three kids would be perfectly fine being an only child. I wonder how different their personalities would be if they didn’t grow up with siblings. |
Anonymous
| Its just like the last day of vacation. You aren't really gonna move to London. |
Anonymous
| Get a new therapist that focused on infertility. Do the work. |
Anonymous
| Please foster! That would be so wonderful! So many kids out there just need a warm and loving home. |
Anonymous
This. I had my last kid at 38. You are likely experiencing peri menopause. When you hit early 50s, you are going to be really glad you were one and done. |
Anonymous
Most people I know with age gaps either for themselves or their own kids experience a lot of resentment. |
Anonymous
DH and his brother are 10 years apart. BIL is like DH’s kid. BIL is such a man child. I feel like I have a stepchild. FIL and Mil divorced when BIL was young. |
Anonymous
| Set your alarm to go off every two hours all night long for the next two weeks. Remind yourself of the reality of the lack of sleep. |
Anonymous
| Fostering sounds like a wonderful thing in this situation. |
Anonymous
Yes, you could even foster an older kid who can actually play with your child. I don’t think you need to foster/adopt a child just to have a playmate but this might be a win for all parties. |
Anonymous
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OP the answer seems pretty obvious in how you describe your husband:
He is on board with either but is neutral about it. He works a very demanding job and is exhausted a lot and I think it would be very difficult for him to have enough energy for a baby and toddler. I definitely have enough energy but with no local family it would be difficult (as it was the first time with no local family and a spouse who works 80 hour weeks No one having a baby at 45 should be “neutral” about it. If he’s not wildly enthusiastic, it should not even be on the table. I’m sure he’s also probably exhausted from dealing with a decade of infertility and maybe just wants to close this chapter and move on with life but doesn’t feel he can say that to you, since you have spent a decade trying to have and desperately longing for another child. I agree that therapy is needed, and probably a new therapist. You clearly have a lot of unresolved trauma and grief from your infertility that is causing you to minimize the blessings of your current life and to see it as “missing something.” Everyone has dreams for our lives that don’t turn out. Literally everyone. But having a baby to fill a void (likely hormonal and grief driven) and coming from a place of lack is not fair to any child you being into your home - adopted, fostered, or otherwise. I would highly recommend you check out the book, Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach. Here are a few of her podcasts that I think you might want to try. You need to embrace your life, as it is, right now, and she talks about how to do this: https://www.tarabrach.com/pt1-rewiring-happiness-freedom/?fbclid=IwAR0RQ4lAXofdyg0wB00-4eaUhw9orHWSrX3PF2ng7z9VcuLqwKT2FUY4i2A https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/tara-brach/id265264862?i=1000386102478 I also listened to a podcast once (can’t remember details) about the grief women feel when they are done childbearing. It’s true for many women that they feel a lot of sadness and grief, because for most people, what we expected going into those years is not exactly what we ended up with (eg we had fewer or more children than we wanted - or none at all, or the children we have may have issues or special needs or temperaments that are hard, or we ended up with physical issues we weren’t expecting from the toll of pregnancy and childbirth, or we had difficult experiences like infertility, miscarriages, IVF, losses, stillborn children, birth trauma, or we are just generally grieving the end of that period in our live as we transition to a new phase, etc.) |
Anonymous
NP. I hope you realize how condescending this is. You absolutely have no way of knowing this. I'm willing to bet you wanted three kids and got three, or at least wanted more than one and got it. You have no idea how hard it is to have an only not by choice. You have no idea about the inherent dynamics of just one. You have no idea how much you worry about your only. Just no idea. OP, I have an only not by choice. Definitely seek out a different therapist. You have infertility to deal with, as well as not being on the same page as DH. That's me and it's an awful combo. I am alone in my grief and my worry about my DD being lonely. Although focusing on her helps. Individual therapy has helped and DH and I are going to do couples therapy to work through my feelings of resentment. Hugs to you. |
Anonymous
| Take metformin. It's a well known infertility drug used in a lot of places. Easy to get, cheap, I'd give it a try. |
Anonymous
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As a solo parent who had my first baby at 47 - I don't think 45 is a barrier. I don't have family support or a DH (but also no 10 year old kid) and it is fine.
I personally think fostering would be so much harder and did not feel equipped for that. But I have a childhood trauma history and was worried about my ability to respond optimally to a traumatized child without getting triggered (and lacking any other support that did not seem like a good idea.) I do know of people (single moms) who adopted at 45 so your age probably wouldn't rule you out but adoption has its own challenges. It sounds like your DH would not have the bandwidth to provide much support for a newborn - would you feel resentful if you were doing almost all the work? I wouldn't add this stress to a marriage if so. I don't think a baby is going to help with your 10 year olds current loneliness - the gap is too great but as adults they could be friends. I really want two as well as I understand how strong that drive is. I think the "age" question is a red herring - it's really about all the other resources and stresses that a baby brings. |
Anonymous
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I am a big believer of therapy. It has helped me tremendously. I'm not going to address the infertility aspect because I don't have experience in that. But I do have a lot of experience with therapy and acceptance when life has not gone as I thought it would.
"Therapy has not helped." OP, I'd say two things. Either 1) your therapist has not helped, not the therapy itself. You could try another therapist. I've had many over the years...many have been just okay, while a couple have been really good and helped me get through some serious stuff. And 2) therapy only works when YOU do the work. It sounds like you are still struggling with how things have panned out...gently, have you truly worked hard in your sessions and outside of them? Because therapy will not work if you are not digging deep to work though what the issue is. I know digging deep can be scary, because it means facing something one doesn't want to face...for you that sounds like your family being the size it is. For me it was other things I didn't really want to face and take responsibility for. But once I did honestly face things, the true healing began. Also, I was an only and never felt lonely (I'm not sure if your child is actually lonely or you are projecting what you think she feels onto her). I had friends and activities that were fun, then I loved coming back to my quiet, calm home. My child is 10 and an only and he has an active social life...when at home he facetimes/texts his friends and cousins. I actually think that it's easier to be an only now than it was 40 some years ago when I was a kid. |