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[quote=Anonymous]OP the answer seems pretty obvious in how you describe your husband:

He is on board with either but is neutral about it. He works a very demanding job and is exhausted a lot and I think it would be very difficult for him to have enough energy for a baby and toddler. I definitely have enough energy but with no local family it would be difficult (as it was the first time with no local family and a spouse who works 80 hour weeks

No one having a baby at 45 should be “neutral” about it. If he’s not wildly enthusiastic, it should not even be on the table. I’m sure he’s also probably exhausted from dealing with a decade of infertility and maybe just wants to close this chapter and move on with life but doesn’t feel he can say that to you, since you have spent a decade trying to have and desperately longing for another child.

I agree that therapy is needed, and probably a new therapist. You clearly have a lot of unresolved trauma and grief from your infertility that is causing you to minimize the blessings of your current life and to see it as “missing something.” Everyone has dreams for our lives that don’t turn out. Literally everyone. But having a baby to fill a void (likely hormonal and grief driven) and coming from a place of lack is not fair to any child you being into your home - adopted, fostered, or otherwise. I would highly recommend you check out the book, Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach.

Here are a few of her podcasts that I think you might want to try. You need to embrace your life, as it is, right now, and she talks about how to do this:

https://www.tarabrach.com/pt1-rewiring-happiness-freedom/?fbclid=IwAR0RQ4lAXofdyg0wB00-4eaUhw9orHWSrX3PF2ng7z9VcuLqwKT2FUY4i2A

https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/tara-brach/id265264862?i=1000386102478

I also listened to a podcast once (can’t remember details) about the grief women feel when they are done childbearing. It’s true for many women that they feel a lot of sadness and grief, because for most people, what we expected going into those years is not exactly what we ended up with (eg we had fewer or more children than we wanted - or none at all, or the children we have may have issues or special needs or temperaments that are hard, or we ended up with physical issues we weren’t expecting from the toll of pregnancy and childbirth, or we had difficult experiences like infertility, miscarriages, IVF, losses, stillborn children, birth trauma, or we are just generally grieving the end of that period in our live as we transition to a new phase,  etc.) [/quote]

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