Baby fever at 45

[Anonymous]

Having a baby now won’t solve your problems. How do you know they would even be close in the future. Fast forward 10 years from now - your first is off at college and your second is 10 and lonely. Would you have another at 55?

I would really consider changing churches. Find a big one with lots of involvement. Get involved in everything you are able. Get involved in something like scouts. What activities does your child do? You may consider moving to a neighborhood that has a more social/supportive network.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I did the surrogate/ donor egg thing at 44. Our life of not having children and traveling whenever we wanted to made us feel much younger than we actually were.
We have a wonderful child but really we were too old. We were constantly exhausted.
Years of infertility changed us also in ways we didn’t realize. I would not advise you to do this very expensive and time consuming project.
Just when we became empty nesters my DH died. So the life we thought we would go back to didn’t happen.
I think you are not being realistic about this — what is like in reality. Also you might consider changing therapists. Not all therapists are helpful.
You are having a middle aged crisis, I think.

+1
I also had a baby via DE/surrogate, born when I was 45. We had been trying for ages by then. If OP starts at 45 she’ll be at least 47/48 by the time the child arrives, if everything goes smoothly. That is really late.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm the PP from earlier that is an only with an only who recommended continuing therapy with a new person.

In your last post you talk about the lack of family for your only. I will give you some perspective growing up as an only with very little extended family. On my mother's side, my mom did not speak to any siblings etc after my grandfather passed when I was very young. Long story short, she was not a biological child and was resented. So there was never any family interaction on that side.

My dad had one brother who was ten years older. They did not really speak, didn't live nearby, so I rarely if ever saw my cousins. My grandmother lived five minutes away but half the time she wasn't speaking to my parents based on perceived insults (she had issues). So very little family activities on that side either. 

Plus, we didn't have much money so we didn't go anywhere for holidays, we were always home.

And guess what? I have very happy memories of holidays and such! It was just the three of us but we had our little routines. Like, we would always go out to an early dinner on Christmas Eve to the same restaurant then drive around looking at lights. I was "forced" to stay upstairs until everything was ready on Christmas morning, then my mom took a picture of me coming down the stairs. I never saw my life as "less than" despite the fact everyone I knew had siblings. It was my life and I was happy.

As I got older, I made friends, and ended up marrying into a larger family (three brothers). And I can say that a larger family has its pros and cons as much as a smaller family and neither one is better or worse than the other. I do worry that your disappointment is projecting onto your son and maybe that's why you say he is lonely. I'm sure my parents were upset sometimes about the state of their own families, but that NEVER was passed on to me...I learned about all the dysfunction after I was older. I had no idea what they were going through, and if they were disappointed or sad, I never knew as a child.

I agree you should talk to someone again about this, because it's now obvious it's about more than having a second child. You are upset your parents aren't the grandparents you would like, your sister is not the aunt you would like. That your H's family is not how you wish they would be. And you thought you could "fix" all of that by having another child. But sometimes the only "fix" is to accept and enjoy life as it is. Good luck to you.

This is such good advice. You can’t control your family (size or dynamics), but you can control the narrative. PP’s urging you to try donor eggs and surrogacy at this point have not gone through infertility and don’t know the damage it does to your mental health. It is so easy to get fixated on that baby and how it will be the golden ticket to happiness. It rarely is though because the trauma and grief just doesn’t disappear.

This is an incorrect assumption. I am so grateful that I used donor eggs (after multiple failed IVFs) and I can say that yes it is so worth it!!! My life is infinitely richer. I get where OP is coming from because I am constantly trying to figure out how to have enough resources to have a second in part because I want my child to have a larger family and a family member after I am gone. I am an only child who always wanted a sibling. Sounds like OP does have the financial resources - I would just make sure her DH is on board and be aware that a baby is not going to be an instant companion to her child who will be a lot older (long-term is a different story).

The “point” is after 10 years, not after failed OE IVF.

I know multiple people who had a child or second child after long periods of infertility. All of them are happy and grateful. OP seemed concerned about age. I had my child at 47 (3 months shy of 48) and it's been great! None of these are reasons not to go ahead.

Reasons not to go ahead may be added strain on marriage, not a solution to current child's loneliness, etc.

Extended period of infertility is not one of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm the PP from earlier that is an only with an only who recommended continuing therapy with a new person.

In your last post you talk about the lack of family for your only. I will give you some perspective growing up as an only with very little extended family. On my mother's side, my mom did not speak to any siblings etc after my grandfather passed when I was very young. Long story short, she was not a biological child and was resented. So there was never any family interaction on that side.

My dad had one brother who was ten years older. They did not really speak, didn't live nearby, so I rarely if ever saw my cousins. My grandmother lived five minutes away but half the time she wasn't speaking to my parents based on perceived insults (she had issues). So very little family activities on that side either. 

Plus, we didn't have much money so we didn't go anywhere for holidays, we were always home.

And guess what? I have very happy memories of holidays and such! It was just the three of us but we had our little routines. Like, we would always go out to an early dinner on Christmas Eve to the same restaurant then drive around looking at lights. I was "forced" to stay upstairs until everything was ready on Christmas morning, then my mom took a picture of me coming down the stairs. I never saw my life as "less than" despite the fact everyone I knew had siblings. It was my life and I was happy.

As I got older, I made friends, and ended up marrying into a larger family (three brothers). And I can say that a larger family has its pros and cons as much as a smaller family and neither one is better or worse than the other. I do worry that your disappointment is projecting onto your son and maybe that's why you say he is lonely. I'm sure my parents were upset sometimes about the state of their own families, but that NEVER was passed on to me...I learned about all the dysfunction after I was older. I had no idea what they were going through, and if they were disappointed or sad, I never knew as a child.

I agree you should talk to someone again about this, because it's now obvious it's about more than having a second child. You are upset your parents aren't the grandparents you would like, your sister is not the aunt you would like. That your H's family is not how you wish they would be. And you thought you could "fix" all of that by having another child. But sometimes the only "fix" is to accept and enjoy life as it is. Good luck to you.

This is such good advice. You can’t control your family (size or dynamics), but you can control the narrative. PP’s urging you to try donor eggs and surrogacy at this point have not gone through infertility and don’t know the damage it does to your mental health. It is so easy to get fixated on that baby and how it will be the golden ticket to happiness. It rarely is though because the trauma and grief just doesn’t disappear.

This is an incorrect assumption. I am so grateful that I used donor eggs (after multiple failed IVFs) and I can say that yes it is so worth it!!! My life is infinitely richer. I get where OP is coming from because I am constantly trying to figure out how to have enough resources to have a second in part because I want my child to have a larger family and a family member after I am gone. I am an only child who always wanted a sibling. Sounds like OP does have the financial resources - I would just make sure her DH is on board and be aware that a baby is not going to be an instant companion to her child who will be a lot older (long-term is a different story).

The “point” is after 10 years, not after failed OE IVF.

I know multiple people who had a child or second child after long periods of infertility. All of them are happy and grateful. OP seemed concerned about age. I had my child at 47 (3 months shy of 48) and it's been great! None of these are reasons not to go ahead.

Reasons not to go ahead may be added strain on marriage, not a solution to current child's loneliness, etc.

Extended period of infertility is not one of them.

I dealt with secondary infertility for seven years. Trust me you do not know more than me about this. At some point you have to move on. ESPECIALLY if you have a living child already. I really feel terribly for the children of these women that are raised in this quagmire of discontent and grief. OP needs to focus on herself for her child’s sake and give up chasing that second child that wasn’t meant to be.

[Anonymous]

/\ to make it even clearer, when you spend a decade of your child’s life in the throes of infertility, you are harming them. It’s not about YOU and not remotely the same as primary infertility. You have the obligation to your living child and that includes putting your wishes aside when they become harmful to your family’s wellbeing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:/\ to make it even clearer, when you spend a decade of your child’s life in the throes of infertility, you are harming them. It’s not about YOU and not remotely the same as primary infertility. You have the obligation to your living child and that includes putting your wishes aside when they become harmful to your family’s wellbeing.

well I'm not sure that is accurate but in any case that is water under the bridge for OP. She can't change the past. She can only decide whether or not to have another child with DE/surrogate or not at this point. It is a valid choice to make the decision to go ahead and it could be the best thing for OP and her family. But it may not be. Only OP can make that decision for sure.