Baby fever at 45

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you again for your responses, I am definitely thinking about this issue from new perspectives.

I am curious: how would you come to an acceptance about the fact that your only child has little to no extended family? I ruminate about this all the time. This upsets/worries me constantly because I worry that my child, who already feels lonely as an only, will feel all alone in the future. My parents are completely disengaged grandparents, my sister has no interest in a relationship and I only see her once every few years and she's really not an aunt to my son, and my in-laws are incredibly dysfunctional. I feel upset and disappointed in my own family's lack of interest in me and my son. They are happy with the occasional phone call and don't feel a need to see us or visit more than once a year or every few years.

Most of my friends/acquaintances have very involved and engaged grandparents/aunts, uncles and cousins and they have big, warm loving extended families for their kids and fun holidays. In contrast we don't spend any holidays with family (due to their lack of interest plus the distance) so we have no holiday memories with family. In general, we don't see family that often and when we do it's not a very enjoyable time for any of us. My son doesn't really know his extended family very well.

I am really disappointed that our families don't value family and am having a hard time making peace with this and moving on. And this is part of why I spent 8 years TTC because I really wanted to grow my own family.

I am an only child (and only grandchild, so no cousins at all). I married into a big family and now I get that experience. My kids love their cousins. I also have lots of good friends. You make your own family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm the PP from earlier that is an only with an only who recommended continuing therapy with a new person.

In your last post you talk about the lack of family for your only. I will give you some perspective growing up as an only with very little extended family. On my mother's side, my mom did not speak to any siblings etc after my grandfather passed when I was very young. Long story short, she was not a biological child and was resented. So there was never any family interaction on that side.

My dad had one brother who was ten years older. They did not really speak, didn't live nearby, so I rarely if ever saw my cousins. My grandmother lived five minutes away but half the time she wasn't speaking to my parents based on perceived insults (she had issues). So very little family activities on that side either. 

Plus, we didn't have much money so we didn't go anywhere for holidays, we were always home.

And guess what? I have very happy memories of holidays and such! It was just the three of us but we had our little routines. Like, we would always go out to an early dinner on Christmas Eve to the same restaurant then drive around looking at lights. I was "forced" to stay upstairs until everything was ready on Christmas morning, then my mom took a picture of me coming down the stairs. I never saw my life as "less than" despite the fact everyone I knew had siblings. It was my life and I was happy.

As I got older, I made friends, and ended up marrying into a larger family (three brothers). And I can say that a larger family has its pros and cons as much as a smaller family and neither one is better or worse than the other. I do worry that your disappointment is projecting onto your son and maybe that's why you say he is lonely. I'm sure my parents were upset sometimes about the state of their own families, but that NEVER was passed on to me...I learned about all the dysfunction after I was older. I had no idea what they were going through, and if they were disappointed or sad, I never knew as a child.

I agree you should talk to someone again about this, because it's now obvious it's about more than having a second child. You are upset your parents aren't the grandparents you would like, your sister is not the aunt you would like. That your H's family is not how you wish they would be. And you thought you could "fix" all of that by having another child. But sometimes the only "fix" is to accept and enjoy life as it is. Good luck to you.

This is such good advice. You can’t control your family (size or dynamics), but you can control the narrative. PP’s urging you to try donor eggs and surrogacy at this point have not gone through infertility and don’t know the damage it does to your mental health. It is so easy to get fixated on that baby and how it will be the golden ticket to happiness. It rarely is though because the trauma and grief just doesn’t disappear.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Fostering sounds like a wonderful thing in this situation.

Yes, you could even foster an older kid who can actually play with your child.

I don’t think you need to foster/adopt a child just to have a playmate but this might be a win for all parties.

Foster parent here.
Some of you shoudl not comment "just foster!" if you haven't done it before.

First off, fostering is TIME CONSUMING. It's not fair to the kid if both parents are working. You have SO MANY appointments w/ a foster kid, you can't even imagine.
Second, don't assume a foster kid wants to play with your kid!! WTF, PP!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you again for your responses, I am definitely thinking about this issue from new perspectives.

I am curious: how would you come to an acceptance about the fact that your only child has little to no extended family? I ruminate about this all the time. This upsets/worries me constantly because I worry that my child, who already feels lonely as an only, will feel all alone in the future. My parents are completely disengaged grandparents, my sister has no interest in a relationship and I only see her once every few years and she's really not an aunt to my son, and my in-laws are incredibly dysfunctional. I feel upset and disappointed in my own family's lack of interest in me and my son. They are happy with the occasional phone call and don't feel a need to see us or visit more than once a year or every few years.

Most of my friends/acquaintances have very involved and engaged grandparents/aunts, uncles and cousins and they have big, warm loving extended families for their kids and fun holidays. In contrast we don't spend any holidays with family (due to their lack of interest plus the distance) so we have no holiday memories with family. In general, we don't see family that often and when we do it's not a very enjoyable time for any of us. My son doesn't really know his extended family very well.

I am really disappointed that our families don't value family and am having a hard time making peace with this and moving on. And this is part of why I spent 8 years TTC because I really wanted to grow my own family.

maybe your son will have a big family?

it seems that you have given up on the family you do have? your sister? ok, she lives in Hawaii - my own sister lives in europe and I don't see her very often but we talk several times a week. we are very close.

same with your parents, it just seems like you have given up on them and are resigned to having very little relationship with them.

regarding baby fever, i kind of understand where you are coming from. i had a baby at 45 (my third), she is only 4 and and i still tear up every few days looking at baby stuff or thinking how time is going to pass and everything that is an everyday thing now will be only a faded memory. i believe that baby fever has a mind of its own. like, i love babies, it's the happiest time and i would do it over and over and over and over again. and i say this as a pretty accomplished professional with a phd.

regarding your decision - i think the problem here is that it will take time to have that baby and you will be older still when it happens. it seems that you would have financial resources at least to handle it for a while. but i don't think having a baby would solve the issues you mention (loneliness, lack of family etc). it can also create issues you do not anticipate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Foster parent here. Don't foster if both parents work. It's not fair to the kid and it's not easy. There are SO MANY appointments and visits and etc etc etc. Two working parents makes this very, very difficult. Foster kids need more time/attention.

Where I live the reality is that there is a shortage of foster homes, and if it was limited to only two parent-one as sahp, it would be even worse.

Single people foster parent. WOHM parents foster parent. Foster parents are allowed access to FMLA, which can help with appointments and stuff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you again for your responses, I am definitely thinking about this issue from new perspectives.

I am curious: how would you come to an acceptance about the fact that your only child has little to no extended family? I ruminate about this all the time. This upsets/worries me constantly because I worry that my child, who already feels lonely as an only, will feel all alone in the future. My parents are completely disengaged grandparents, my sister has no interest in a relationship and I only see her once every few years and she's really not an aunt to my son, and my in-laws are incredibly dysfunctional. I feel upset and disappointed in my own family's lack of interest in me and my son. They are happy with the occasional phone call and don't feel a need to see us or visit more than once a year or every few years.

Most of my friends/acquaintances have very involved and engaged grandparents/aunts, uncles and cousins and they have big, warm loving extended families for their kids and fun holidays. In contrast we don't spend any holidays with family (due to their lack of interest plus the distance) so we have no holiday memories with family. In general, we don't see family that often and when we do it's not a very enjoyable time for any of us. My son doesn't really know his extended family very well.

I am really disappointed that our families don't value family and am having a hard time making peace with this and moving on. And this is part of why I spent 8 years TTC because I really wanted to grow my own family.

OP, I do get where you are coming from with small families. My child also has very little extended family, due to distance and illness/death for the most part rather than disinterest, which might make it easier for me to process. I can see how having the people exist but choose not to fill the roles you want can be hard. That being said, everyone has a different idea of how families "should" work and you can't impose your ideas on others unfortunately. It can definitely be hard when your friends have what you want (a couple of my friends have local, involved, healthy grandparents and I'm sometimes so incredibly jealous for their easy access to backup or in one case primary childcare) but some of my friends have it even worse than me -- super dysfunctional local family or grandparents who want to be involved but are genuinely dangerous to leave the kids with so it turns into the massive emotional burden for the parents.

What I do is try to make the family I want with the people who want to be part of it. I involve my friends who like kids, especially the single and childfree ones (I have a bunch of friend who like kids provided they're allowed to give them back when they get cranky or sick lol), in our holiday traditions and day-to-day life. I send pictures and provide emotional support to them just like I would my siblings. So far my kid has about 5 adults who revel in their courtesy "auntie" titles. This Thanksgiving, I ended up at a Friendsgiving with a bunch of people who couldn't celebrate with their families for various reasons and there were seven kids under 5 running around. It was as loud and chaotic as you could want and without any decades in the making drama.

Wishing you the best, OP! I know it's hard to revise your expectations of what your adult life will look like.

[Anonymous]

OP, listen to the immediate PP. You can either make the best of things or wallow in your disappointment. The choice is fully yours.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for the thoughtful responses. I do struggle a lot with not having anyone who wants to be a part of our family. We do have pets, which is great, because my son considers them his brothers and sisters. But we do not have family friends or relatives who are super interested in spending time with us. Aside from my MIL, who lives far away and who we see once a year, no other relatives really show much interest. I have tried to form a community for us through school, activities or the neighborhood but it's never worked out. I used to host most holidays but I stopped, it was a ton of work and no one ever reciprocated. We don't get invited to playdates (my son does get invited to birthday parties though). We do host lots of playdates and meetups for his friends, either at our house or out somewhere. They're just not reciprocated so I always feel like no one really thinks of us or is interested in getting to know us.

I would love to find some "aunties" or surrogate grandparents but I have no idea how to go about this. We're members of a church which hasn't helped us build community, and no one in the neighborhood, school or in activities seems interested either. We're not originally from this area and have no local family, which has made things more difficult, and work colleagues have not been a source of friends for either DH or me. I have a few mom friends but they don't want to celebrate holidays with us or vacation with us. I try to make new friends but so far that hasn't been very successful either. I feel chronically lonely and wish we had more of a sense of community but don't know how to find it.

[Anonymous]

How old is DH? I did donor egg et 45, no surrogate. The child is physically healthy and very sweet, but has autism. I am worried sick about his future. At this age its rolling the dice with special needs, make sure you have money and bandwidth for that eventuality.

[Anonymous]

Don't do it. For a million reasons. Just don't. Sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm the PP from earlier that is an only with an only who recommended continuing therapy with a new person.

In your last post you talk about the lack of family for your only. I will give you some perspective growing up as an only with very little extended family. On my mother's side, my mom did not speak to any siblings etc after my grandfather passed when I was very young. Long story short, she was not a biological child and was resented. So there was never any family interaction on that side.

My dad had one brother who was ten years older. They did not really speak, didn't live nearby, so I rarely if ever saw my cousins. My grandmother lived five minutes away but half the time she wasn't speaking to my parents based on perceived insults (she had issues). So very little family activities on that side either. 

Plus, we didn't have much money so we didn't go anywhere for holidays, we were always home.

And guess what? I have very happy memories of holidays and such! It was just the three of us but we had our little routines. Like, we would always go out to an early dinner on Christmas Eve to the same restaurant then drive around looking at lights. I was "forced" to stay upstairs until everything was ready on Christmas morning, then my mom took a picture of me coming down the stairs. I never saw my life as "less than" despite the fact everyone I knew had siblings. It was my life and I was happy.

As I got older, I made friends, and ended up marrying into a larger family (three brothers). And I can say that a larger family has its pros and cons as much as a smaller family and neither one is better or worse than the other. I do worry that your disappointment is projecting onto your son and maybe that's why you say he is lonely. I'm sure my parents were upset sometimes about the state of their own families, but that NEVER was passed on to me...I learned about all the dysfunction after I was older. I had no idea what they were going through, and if they were disappointed or sad, I never knew as a child.

I agree you should talk to someone again about this, because it's now obvious it's about more than having a second child. You are upset your parents aren't the grandparents you would like, your sister is not the aunt you would like. That your H's family is not how you wish they would be. And you thought you could "fix" all of that by having another child. But sometimes the only "fix" is to accept and enjoy life as it is. Good luck to you.

This is such good advice. You can’t control your family (size or dynamics), but you can control the narrative. PP’s urging you to try donor eggs and surrogacy at this point have not gone through infertility and don’t know the damage it does to your mental health. It is so easy to get fixated on that baby and how it will be the golden ticket to happiness. It rarely is though because the trauma and grief just doesn’t disappear.

This is an incorrect assumption. I am so grateful that I used donor eggs (after multiple failed IVFs) and I can say that yes it is so worth it!!! My life is infinitely richer. I get where OP is coming from because I am constantly trying to figure out how to have enough resources to have a second in part because I want my child to have a larger family and a family member after I am gone. I am an only child who always wanted a sibling. Sounds like OP does have the financial resources - I would just make sure her DH is on board and be aware that a baby is not going to be an instant companion to her child who will be a lot older (long-term is a different story).

[Anonymous]

NP: I was 42 but this was my reasoning for pushing for a second after many failed IVFS. My last hail mary worked and I now have DD1 (6) and DD2 (1 year old). They are the best of friends already and my husband even thanks me for not giving up now. He is an only that has lost both his parents and I may as well be an only with 2 dysfunctional brothers with no kids. Both my parents are onlys so no cousins. The fear that one day DD1 would be alone kept me up at night.
Sometimes you need to listen to your gut.

[Anonymous]

Only PP here with no extended family...I didn't have aunties either. My parents were pretty introverted. And I was fine. 

OP, it still seems to me you think having a second baby will "fix" everything and make everything okay. It's like in your head, you feel that if you do this one thing, then everything will be okay and you will be happy. As someone who once thought similar thoughts, gently I say, it doesn't work. I changed jobs multiple times thinking it would make me happy. I moved across the country twice, thinking that if I lived somewhere else, then I would be happy (I didn't learn after the first time!). I made other big choices, all because in my head I thought "if I change this one thing then I will be happy." None of them worked, in fact some made things worse (not saying a baby will make things worse).

What I learned is that happiness comes from inside oneself. Others (like family members) can enhance one's happiness, but not create it. It took some work for me to learn gratitude and acceptance, and now I am much happier and content than I ever was before. And my life is far from perfect.

Maybe I'm way off base here and if so just move on from my posts. Good luck to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm the PP from earlier that is an only with an only who recommended continuing therapy with a new person.

In your last post you talk about the lack of family for your only. I will give you some perspective growing up as an only with very little extended family. On my mother's side, my mom did not speak to any siblings etc after my grandfather passed when I was very young. Long story short, she was not a biological child and was resented. So there was never any family interaction on that side.

My dad had one brother who was ten years older. They did not really speak, didn't live nearby, so I rarely if ever saw my cousins. My grandmother lived five minutes away but half the time she wasn't speaking to my parents based on perceived insults (she had issues). So very little family activities on that side either. 

Plus, we didn't have much money so we didn't go anywhere for holidays, we were always home.

And guess what? I have very happy memories of holidays and such! It was just the three of us but we had our little routines. Like, we would always go out to an early dinner on Christmas Eve to the same restaurant then drive around looking at lights. I was "forced" to stay upstairs until everything was ready on Christmas morning, then my mom took a picture of me coming down the stairs. I never saw my life as "less than" despite the fact everyone I knew had siblings. It was my life and I was happy.

As I got older, I made friends, and ended up marrying into a larger family (three brothers). And I can say that a larger family has its pros and cons as much as a smaller family and neither one is better or worse than the other. I do worry that your disappointment is projecting onto your son and maybe that's why you say he is lonely. I'm sure my parents were upset sometimes about the state of their own families, but that NEVER was passed on to me...I learned about all the dysfunction after I was older. I had no idea what they were going through, and if they were disappointed or sad, I never knew as a child.

I agree you should talk to someone again about this, because it's now obvious it's about more than having a second child. You are upset your parents aren't the grandparents you would like, your sister is not the aunt you would like. That your H's family is not how you wish they would be. And you thought you could "fix" all of that by having another child. But sometimes the only "fix" is to accept and enjoy life as it is. Good luck to you.

This is such good advice. You can’t control your family (size or dynamics), but you can control the narrative. PP’s urging you to try donor eggs and surrogacy at this point have not gone through infertility and don’t know the damage it does to your mental health. It is so easy to get fixated on that baby and how it will be the golden ticket to happiness. It rarely is though because the trauma and grief just doesn’t disappear.

This is an incorrect assumption. I am so grateful that I used donor eggs (after multiple failed IVFs) and I can say that yes it is so worth it!!! My life is infinitely richer. I get where OP is coming from because I am constantly trying to figure out how to have enough resources to have a second in part because I want my child to have a larger family and a family member after I am gone. I am an only child who always wanted a sibling. Sounds like OP does have the financial resources - I would just make sure her DH is on board and be aware that a baby is not going to be an instant companion to her child who will be a lot older (long-term is a different story).

The “point” is after 10 years, not after failed OE IVF.

[Anonymous]

OP I did the surrogate/ donor egg thing at 44. Our life of not having children and traveling whenever we wanted to made us feel much younger than we actually were.
We have a wonderful child but really we were too old. We were constantly exhausted.
Years of infertility changed us also in ways we didn’t realize. I would not advise you to do this very expensive and time consuming project.
Just when we became empty nesters my DH died. So the life we thought we would go back to didn’t happen.
I think you are not being realistic about this — what is like in reality. Also you might consider changing therapists. Not all therapists are helpful.
You are having a middle aged crisis, I think.