Baby fever at 45

[Anonymous]

Do the egg donor plus gestational carrier route. Do it immediately. You will have no regrets.

[Anonymous]

OP don't you post about this frequently?

[Anonymous]

" He is on board with either but is neutral about it. He works a very demanding job and is exhausted a lot and I think it would be very difficult for him to have enough energy for a baby and toddler. I definitely have enough energy but with no local family it would be difficult (as it was the first time with no local family and a spouse who works 80 hour weeks)."


Don't do it, OP. This doesn't sound like a good set up for a new baby. I feel for you, truly, but it's better to get a puppy and also therapy.

[Anonymous]

Foster parent here. Don't foster if both parents work. It's not fair to the kid and it's not easy. There are SO MANY appointments and visits and etc etc etc. Two working parents makes this very, very difficult. Foster kids need more time/attention.

[Anonymous]

OP, having a child with a 10+ year age gap is not really giving your older one a sibling. You will be raising two "onlies," except with fewer resources. This is not something I would choose.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do the egg donor plus gestational carrier route. Do it immediately. You will have no regrets.

No regrets? How do you even know what effect that might have on your child?

ME ME ME is the mantra of the 40+ fertility warrior.

Just be grateful for the family you have.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thank you for all your responses, they have given me a lot to think about. Part of the issue is that I feel sad that I will never have a daughter. I loved doing mother-daughter things with my mom, like shopping, going out for lunch, tea parties, etc., and I will never get a chance to do those things with my own child and my son has no interest in those kinds of things. He's interested in sports and video games mainly and has no interest in doing things I'd like to do. I try to engage with his interests, and I go to all his sports games and try to take an interest in his interests which are mainly Legos and Minecraft, but honestly I have no genuine interest in these things. He and my husband do a lot together and even though I go with them I feel left out emotionally because they bond over their shared interests and I don't share their interests. I have tried to find things that my son and I can connect on and it's been a real challenge. We do play board games and draw together, but my son isn't really as interested in those.

The other part of the issue is that I feel very sad that my son will never really have any family on my side. I just have my parents (I have a sister who lives in Hawaii and who we rarely see). My parents are disinterested grandparents and we only see them once a year. They don't really have any interest in getting to know their only grandchild. Aunts, uncles, and cousins are not in the picture. My husband's family is dysfunctional and we rarely see them. My son has one cousin who is 10 years older who we see once a year. I wanted to provide more family for him and for me by growing our family but that did not happen naturally. Holidays are just the three of us and feel very lonely (though we do try to travel for most holidays whenever possible which helps with the loneliness somewhat).

[Anonymous]

Kindly, OP, you are projecting your grief and disappointment on your child. We are a family of three not by choice and I understand where you’re coming from. But you have to let it go. Your son has different interests than you, but many moms of multiple don’t have common interests with their kids. And your hypothetical daughter may not be into those things either. Adding a non-bio kid at this stage will give you a potential do over, but you will have two only children and your son will not have a shared childhood or potential connection for decades to come. And then it’s a very tenuous possibility at best.

Traveling is the best part of having an only child. Holidays are lonely because YOU think they are. Try to embrace the freedom and flexibility your small family gives you. You get to have adventures and spontaneity that bigger families don’t. Find the joy and focus on that. Force the feelings of sadness and loneliness out of your head and fake it until you make it. I promise you that another baby will not fix your pain. It’s in you and part of you now, you can only only overcome it by accepting your family as it is, which sounds pretty darn great if you ask me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for all your responses, they have given me a lot to think about. Part of the issue is that I feel sad that I will never have a daughter. I loved doing mother-daughter things with my mom, like shopping, going out for lunch, tea parties, etc., and I will never get a chance to do those things with my own child and my son has no interest in those kinds of things. He's interested in sports and video games mainly and has no interest in doing things I'd like to do. I try to engage with his interests, and I go to all his sports games and try to take an interest in his interests which are mainly Legos and Minecraft, but honestly I have no genuine interest in these things. He and my husband do a lot together and even though I go with them I feel left out emotionally because they bond over their shared interests and I don't share their interests. I have tried to find things that my son and I can connect on and it's been a real challenge. We do play board games and draw together, but my son isn't really as interested in those.

The other part of the issue is that I feel very sad that my son will never really have any family on my side. I just have my parents (I have a sister who lives in Hawaii and who we rarely see). My parents are disinterested grandparents and we only see them once a year. They don't really have any interest in getting to know their only grandchild. Aunts, uncles, and cousins are not in the picture. My husband's family is dysfunctional and we rarely see them. My son has one cousin who is 10 years older who we see once a year. I wanted to provide more family for him and for me by growing our family but that did not happen naturally. Holidays are just the three of us and feel very lonely (though we do try to travel for most holidays whenever possible which helps with the loneliness somewhat).

Even if you have a daughter you have no way of knowing if she’ll be interested in the same things you did with your mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you did have another baby, your child will be a teen and not at all interested in the new kid. Sounds like you need to focus on your lonely kid and the answer isn't to create another kid.

My little brother was born when I was 13. I was certainly interested in him/liked playing with him.

My uncle was 9 when my mom showed up. He disliked having to babysit and walk pick up my mom from school. He wanted to hang out with his friends, not babysit his kid sister.

[Anonymous]

I was the only daughter and was a big tomboy. I had zero interest in anything girly like dolls and dresses, etc. You have no idea what you're going to get.

[Anonymous]

I would try one last time OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would try one last time OP.

OP TTC for EIGHT YEARS and is 45 now. I think she’s given it the ol college try already.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for all your responses, they have given me a lot to think about. Part of the issue is that I feel sad that I will never have a daughter. I loved doing mother-daughter things with my mom, like shopping, going out for lunch, tea parties, etc., and I will never get a chance to do those things with my own child and my son has no interest in those kinds of things. He's interested in sports and video games mainly and has no interest in doing things I'd like to do. I try to engage with his interests, and I go to all his sports games and try to take an interest in his interests which are mainly Legos and Minecraft, but honestly I have no genuine interest in these things. He and my husband do a lot together and even though I go with them I feel left out emotionally because they bond over their shared interests and I don't share their interests. I have tried to find things that my son and I can connect on and it's been a real challenge. We do play board games and draw together, but my son isn't really as interested in those.

The other part of the issue is that I feel very sad that my son will never really have any family on my side. I just have my parents (I have a sister who lives in Hawaii and who we rarely see). My parents are disinterested grandparents and we only see them once a year. They don't really have any interest in getting to know their only grandchild. Aunts, uncles, and cousins are not in the picture. My husband's family is dysfunctional and we rarely see them. My son has one cousin who is 10 years older who we see once a year. I wanted to provide more family for him and for me by growing our family but that did not happen naturally. Holidays are just the three of us and feel very lonely (though we do try to travel for most holidays whenever possible which helps with the loneliness somewhat).

Give your child a sibling if you want. They will always have each other. Do the egg donor and surrogate route.

[Anonymous]

At your age, your child will likely avoid being seen with you as much as possible.