Baby fever at 45

[Anonymous]

I'm 45. I have one 10 year old and we are one and done, not by choice (due to infertility). I got pregnant right away at 35, easy pregnancy and delivery and then when we started TTC #2 at 37 I figured I would get pregnant right away. After 6 months of trying with no luck I went to see an infertility clinic and was told I was completely infertile (AMH of .2 and AFC of 10 at the time). I was told it would be very unlikely for me to get pregnant again. Despite 4 years of IVF, a surgery, and TTC for a total of 8 years, I never got pregnant again.

I tried to make peace with being one and done, but I never could. Therapy didn't help. I tried to move on in other ways. I landed my dream job, we travel a lot, and we have a pretty easy life with just one. I have a ton of free time and have several hobbies that I'm very into. However, I feel really sad that my only is lonely a lot, and we have had a hard time finding enough friends for him and family friends. We have no local family either so cousins aren't really in the picture (and he only has one cousin anyway that he sees once a year). I feel that our life feels not as full and complete as I'd like, and my family has never felt complete.

I have talked about adoption and donor egg plus surrogate with DH (I am not able to carry a donor egg because of a random medical condition that popped up for me last year that would make carrying a pregnancy too risky at this point). He is on board with either but is neutral about it. He works a very demanding job and is exhausted a lot and I think it would be very difficult for him to have enough energy for a baby and toddler. I definitely have enough energy but with no local family it would be difficult (as it was the first time with no local family and a spouse who works 80 hour weeks).

Even though I'm 45 I don't feel 45. I don't feel a lack of energy and feel perfectly able to raise another baby. I do look really old however--I have aged terribly since the pandemic--my face just looks tired and haggard (even though I don't feel that way at all). However I know that the average age for first time grandparents is like 48 or something so that gives me pause.

I don't know if it's peri-menopause or what (though I don't have any symptoms of peri), but I have baby fever all the time. I get teary when I walk through a store that has baby clothes/baby items, when I imagine that I will never have the opportunity to have another child. I don't know if adoption would even work out for us given our ages, if we would even be chosen by a birth mother (we're both 45).

What would you do? Therapy has not helped.

[Anonymous]

What about fostering? My friend has three amazing kids from fostering then as babies and eventually adopting them.

[Anonymous]

Focus on the child you have. This is likely affecting them and making them feel like they are not enough. Spending all your energy trying to find a baby that might not turn out like you hope is kind of a rude way to spend your child's childhood.

Move on. You have a lot. Another baby could be a nightmare.

Also, you are 45. I am too. I love babies too, but I think they are for younger women. My kids are teens.

Focus on what you have. He/She needs you!

[Anonymous]

Not fair to a baby to be born to 45 yo parents. Foster, volunteer with children and enjoy the child you have.

[Anonymous]

If I were in your shoes and could afford it, I would spend the money for another baby. You've wanted a second child for a long time.

I'm one and done, partly because of age. I got pregnant at 42 and have a 2 year old. I would only now consider a second child, but I don't want to carry a baby at 45 y.o.

[Anonymous]

You are 45 now. If you decide to do donor egg+ surrogacy it will realistically be another 1-2 years before you have the baby, assuming you start today.

[Anonymous]

I had my last kid at 45, 14 years ago. Currently our older kids are in college. I enjoyed every minute of the first six or so years of the little one and I was so glad I was not facing having an empty nest like my friends.

Now I am tired, sick of teen drama, and jealous of my friends who don’t have kids at home anymore.

I don’t always feel this way, and I am a very attentive mother, but my whole point of view changed around 55 or so.

[Anonymous]

It's just hormones you probably should not give in or think about it really hard and really long.

[Anonymous]

So the surrogate option wouldn’t be your egg anyway?

In that case I think I would look into fostering an infant or young child. Just to see how that experience goes. Maybe that would lead to adoption, maybe not.

And I wouldn’t be so sure that a birth parent wouldn’t pick you for adoption. You have wealth and education and it sounds like your son is a nice kid who would welcome a sibling. And you desperately want another child. That is a good combination for someone looking for a stable family for a baby they can’t keep. Just don’t get your hopes up too much about it.

[Anonymous]

It's hormones. Don't do it. Your husband doesn't want to and this will end up causing problems. Life is all about not always getting what you want. New therapist may be in order maybe. I would dig deeper into your reasons and emotions around this. And it will go away in a few years.

[Anonymous]

Get a puppy.

[Anonymous]

There's too much of an age difference for your 10yre old to have a built-in playmate/decrease the lonely factor.

In fact, your 10 yr old might resent the baby a bit. It'll throw a huge monkey-wrench into your relatively easy going , carefree lifestyle.
Just a thought.

[Anonymous]

If I were you, I would adopt or get a surrogate with donor egg and Dh sperm. I don’t know how your Dh is but it would matter to Dh having his dna.

Fostering may not be a bad idea.

I don’t think you should have another to fill your empty lives. Also, the baby will come when your child is a tween/teen so the kids will be unlikely play mates. I have 3 kids and while our house is busy, the kids all have different interests and don’t play with each other. They would rather play with their own friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There's too much of an age difference for your 10yre old to have a built-in playmate/decrease the lonely factor.

In fact, your 10 yr old might resent the baby a bit. It'll throw a huge monkey-wrench into your relatively easy going , carefree lifestyle.
Just a thought.

This. A baby won’t change a 10 year-old’s loneliness. Nor will a 4 year old make a 14 year-old less lonely. I’m going to guess older kid may feel more lonely if you add a baby to the family somehow.

[Anonymous]

My middle child is your child’s age. He has a lot of friends. One is an only child and another is the youngest while two older siblings are out of the house. Both those parents often host my kid, take my kid with them, offer to even take my child on vacation with them. My middle child is super social and loves to go. He has only been on one close weekend away. He is at an age where he plays a lot of video games at home so I’d rather he hang out with a friend.

My other son is an introvert and likes his downtime. He likes to read.

My daughter is just a happy kid, happy to hang out with us or friends or play by herself.

You should be able to fill your lives with happiness without a baby. I would not be trying to fill some void.