Boss told me that he rarely sees me interacting with my coworkers

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you give me some examples where your interactions with coworkers would demonstrate that you are very anxious? I honestly don't know what that would look like. I mean this sincerely. If I asked you "How is Project X going?" or "Hey, did you see there are brownies in the lunch room?" how would you reply?

I’ll answer your questions like this:

1) My project is going fine, just has some issues in x, y, but overall I’m doing ok

2) No, I didn’t see any.

My interactions demonstrate I’m very anxious in the sense that I never make jokes, engage in banter, small talk, etc. I don’t speak about my interests, personal life, hobbies, where I went on weekend, etc, whilst they openly discuss these things with each other. My interactions with my coworkers is strictly work related matters. I don’t initiate any conversations either. I feel uncomfortable eating in front of them. I’m very passive and don’t have a voice. I usually assist them with their tasks, for example like bringing printed papers, stapling them, etc. I frequently seem on edge, my face becomes red, tense, voice so low, etc. I don’t open up easily and keep to myself. I guess a few colleagues picked up on this hence them telling my boss I’m very anxious.

Have you considered this is the wrong work environment for you?

I don’t consider it the wrong environment. I stated previously that it ticks my boxes. The issue is not the workplace but rather my anxiety that affects me and my interactions with others. I keep blaming it on my personal life and the struggles that I’ve encountered because it’s just spilled onto my work life. Also, if I am ‘very anxious’ as described, would I be looked down upon and thought of poorly? Does that mean that my boss and coworkers are better of without me? Am I a hindrance to my team and a burden?

You sound very depressed. Are you in therapy?

No, it doesn’t mean your boss and co-workers are better off without you. It means you are socially awkward. Your co-workers may be telling the boss this because they are concerned about you and care….did you consider that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you give me some examples where your interactions with coworkers would demonstrate that you are very anxious? I honestly don't know what that would look like. I mean this sincerely. If I asked you "How is Project X going?" or "Hey, did you see there are brownies in the lunch room?" how would you reply?

I’ll answer your questions like this:

1) My project is going fine, just has some issues in x, y, but overall I’m doing ok

2) No, I didn’t see any.

My interactions demonstrate I’m very anxious in the sense that I never make jokes, engage in banter, small talk, etc. I don’t speak about my interests, personal life, hobbies, where I went on weekend, etc, whilst they openly discuss these things with each other. My interactions with my coworkers is strictly work related matters. I don’t initiate any conversations either. I feel uncomfortable eating in front of them. I’m very passive and don’t have a voice. I usually assist them with their tasks, for example like bringing printed papers, stapling them, etc. I frequently seem on edge, my face becomes red, tense, voice so low, etc. I don’t open up easily and keep to myself. I guess a few colleagues picked up on this hence them telling my boss I’m very anxious.

Have you considered this is the wrong work environment for you?

I don’t consider it the wrong environment. I stated previously that it ticks my boxes. The issue is not the workplace but rather my anxiety that affects me and my interactions with others. I keep blaming it on my personal life and the struggles that I’ve encountered because it’s just spilled onto my work life. Also, if I am ‘very anxious’ as described, would I be looked down upon and thought of poorly? Does that mean that my boss and coworkers are better of without me? Am I a hindrance to my team and a burden?

My point is you can’t change or eliminate your anxiety (most likely). I have anxiety. I switched from a 5 days a week in-person office with cubicle mates and group lunches to seeing no one from work for weeks at a time in 2018.

I mean if you really think being surrounded by people who make you nervous is best, then sure. But there are other work environments available where your anxiety can be a strength because you’re only focused on productivity.

[Anonymous]

Love that he created an even more anxious situation by gossiping about you to coworkers and then telling you about it. That's pretty unprofessional.


Girl, just do your job. These people don't matter.

[Anonymous]

To Boss-

Unless I'm not getting my work done satisfactorily, I'm not sure there is much to discuss here. I'm just notva big socializer in the workplace. I'm not rude or dismissive. This isn't a social club, it is my job.

Anything else?

[Anonymous]

I hope the PP isn’t you, OP. That’s really harsh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Love that he created an even more anxious situation by gossiping about you to coworkers and then telling you about it. That's pretty unprofessional.


Girl, just do your job. These people don't matter.

+1, he's gossiping about a medical condition (anxiety). WTF kind of boss is that?! He's a walking ADA violation.

[Anonymous]

I’m saying this person to person not in reference to your job, it is ok that you are anxious/ have anxiety. Take care of yourself and take the steps needed to build support systems/ people into your life.
If people don’t understand who you are or judge that, that is their issue, not yours.
I wish you the best!!

[Anonymous]

OP here. I know that most of you mean well. But my boss didn’t ‘gossip’ about me to my coworkers. I think my senior supervisor picked up on my anxiety early on and then mentioned it to my boss. Also, my coworkers have probably sensed that as well. The meeting with my boss didn’t sound judgmental, it was to ask about why I’m not being part of a team.

So for example, I don’t eat in lunch area, eat on my desk. They don’t see me grabbing lunch with other coworkers, laughing, joking, etc during lunchtime. When I was in my interview I remember him saying that their team is incredibly close and they’re like a big family. So it does make sense when my boss, supervisor or coworkers see my lack of social interaction in the workplace. He told me that we have no idea on who you are and what you’re like because we don’t see you interacting with others or being part of a team. He said he wants to see me from now on interacting with others for like an hour a day with my coworkers and work with them instead of being by myself.

The thing is I can’t get myself to do it. It’s too much for me at the moment. I just want to be left alone and do my own thing. I know it’s not ideal but at least I’m not causing problems and getting my work done. I understand that my boss’s request is reasonable and I should be more hands on and engage with others, but I can’t do it at this point in time. I might get the courage to do it after a few months, but at the same time I am afraid I’ll get fired? Can my refusal to be part of a team cause me to get fired? If my boss sees me next week still alone and not being with other coworkers what do I do or tell him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think "I don't want to talk about it" can't be where you leave something with a boss. You need to follow up.

It might be easier, for an emotionally laden issue, to send an email. Something like "I appreciate you bringing your concern to my attention. I'm actually very happy with this job. I'm enjoying X project, and it's been great to learn more about Y. Unfortunately, as you and some of my colleagues have noticed, I can be a bit anxious and withdrawn. I'm having some personal problems that I'm struggling with. I'd prefer not to go into more detail, however, I want you to know that I am working on the underlying issue, and am committed to not letting it impact my work. In the meantime, I have taken your feedback to heart, and I will try to engage more with my colleagues. Is there a particular project or task where you think collaborating more closely with the team would be beneficial?"

Then, you need to find some ways to interact with your team. It's important to your boss, so make it important for you. I would recommend forcing yourself to have one interaction with a colleague each day. Focus on the project(s) your boss says - that's a good starting point. Start small - "hey, do you know where the printer paper is?" "I like those shoes." "This coffee is great/terrible." Think about your colleagues - is there one that seems approachable, or at least the least intimidating? Start with them. Five minutes a day. You can do five minutes a day. If you can't do five minutes, you can do one minute. It'll feel crazy hard and stressful at first, but after a few weeks, you'll get in a groove, and it'll be fine. Really. They won't bite.

Once you're in a good groove with that, see if you can add in something bigger, maybe once a week. Bring in donuts for everyone. Ask someone to go with you to grab coffee. You can do this!!

+1 I think this is great advice. I agree it is not a good idea to leave something with “I don’t want to talk about it” to a superior. That might be okay with a co-worker, but it’s borderline insubordinate. That said, I really don’t understand why these bosses get all up in their employees’ attitudes as long as the employee is doing their work and not causing problems. But, this is how it is so you need to work with it.

I also agree with taking very small steps - this is hard work for you, I get it, but it may help a lot after you’ve taken some small steps. You may find you are building some confidence.

I think all a boss can expect is someone making an effort to make progress. If you get approached about this issue again, you can point out all the small steps you’ve taken.

Also, if your work has an employee assistance program, you may want to inquire about it, not only to help you, but to show your boss you are taking some action steps to address the issues s/he has raised.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I know that most of you mean well. But my boss didn’t ‘gossip’ about me to my coworkers. I think my senior supervisor picked up on my anxiety early on and then mentioned it to my boss. Also, my coworkers have probably sensed that as well. The meeting with my boss didn’t sound judgmental, it was to ask about why I’m not being part of a team.

So for example, I don’t eat in lunch area, eat on my desk. They don’t see me grabbing lunch with other coworkers, laughing, joking, etc during lunchtime. When I was in my interview I remember him saying that their team is incredibly close and they’re like a big family. So it does make sense when my boss, supervisor or coworkers see my lack of social interaction in the workplace. He told me that we have no idea on who you are and what you’re like because we don’t see you interacting with others or being part of a team. He said he wants to see me from now on interacting with others for like an hour a day with my coworkers and work with them instead of being by myself.

The thing is I can’t get myself to do it. It’s too much for me at the moment. I just want to be left alone and do my own thing. I know it’s not ideal but at least I’m not causing problems and getting my work done. I understand that my boss’s request is reasonable and I should be more hands on and engage with others, but I can’t do it at this point in time. I might get the courage to do it after a few months, but at the same time I am afraid I’ll get fired? Can my refusal to be part of a team cause me to get fired? If my boss sees me next week still alone and not being with other coworkers what do I do or tell him?

Refusal would be insubordination. Do what you can. One hour seems like a big expectation but you should be able to do something more than you’ve been doing. You may want to use language such as “accommodation” because while you are not seeking a reasonable accommodation, it does seem like you could use a bit of help.

Do your best to play along to the extent you can. If you cannot do one hour, as your boss requests, let them know what you can do and that you need to build up to it. Keep an eye on your co-workers, maybe you can find one that you mesh with and make a friend. That may make it easier to join the group.

Good luck - I think you can do this based on how well you speak and your clear intelligence. I know it is emotionally difficult but you seem like someone who can do hard things, like get this job. You can do the challenges to keep it. Do whatever you have to, bribe yourself with rewards. You’ll figure it out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I know that most of you mean well. But my boss didn’t ‘gossip’ about me to my coworkers. I think my senior supervisor picked up on my anxiety early on and then mentioned it to my boss. Also, my coworkers have probably sensed that as well. The meeting with my boss didn’t sound judgmental, it was to ask about why I’m not being part of a team.

So for example, I don’t eat in lunch area, eat on my desk. They don’t see me grabbing lunch with other coworkers, laughing, joking, etc during lunchtime. When I was in my interview I remember him saying that their team is incredibly close and they’re like a big family. So it does make sense when my boss, supervisor or coworkers see my lack of social interaction in the workplace. He told me that we have no idea on who you are and what you’re like because we don’t see you interacting with others or being part of a team. He said he wants to see me from now on interacting with others for like an hour a day with my coworkers and work with them instead of being by myself.

The thing is I can’t get myself to do it. It’s too much for me at the moment. I just want to be left alone and do my own thing. I know it’s not ideal but at least I’m not causing problems and getting my work done. I understand that my boss’s request is reasonable and I should be more hands on and engage with others, but I can’t do it at this point in time. I might get the courage to do it after a few months, but at the same time I am afraid I’ll get fired? Can my refusal to be part of a team cause me to get fired? If my boss sees me next week still alone and not being with other coworkers what do I do or tell him?

I have a few thoughts on this, as an introvert who really pushes herself sometimes. One, can you go to coffee with a coworker or two? I can't STAND eating in a company cafeteria, and on the rare occasions I've done it, I bring a book. That is my time to recharge and recover from having to be "in public" all morning so I can gear up to do it again all afternoon. So, can you do things like coffee or going for a walk around the block with a coworker? I've had "walking meetings" with people sometimes. Two, maybe this just isn't the environment for you? If I interviewed at a place that was big into team lunches and happy hours, I wouldn't take the job because see above for my lunch thing and I don't drink.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you give me some examples where your interactions with coworkers would demonstrate that you are very anxious? I honestly don't know what that would look like. I mean this sincerely. If I asked you "How is Project X going?" or "Hey, did you see there are brownies in the lunch room?" how would you reply?

I’ll answer your questions like this:

1) My project is going fine, just has some issues in x, y, but overall I’m doing ok

2) No, I didn’t see any.

My interactions demonstrate I’m very anxious in the sense that I never make jokes, engage in banter, small talk, etc. I don’t speak about my interests, personal life, hobbies, where I went on weekend, etc, whilst they openly discuss these things with each other. My interactions with my coworkers is strictly work related matters. I don’t initiate any conversations either. I feel uncomfortable eating in front of them. I’m very passive and don’t have a voice. I usually assist them with their tasks, for example like bringing printed papers, stapling them, etc. I frequently seem on edge, my face becomes red, tense, voice so low, etc. I don’t open up easily and keep to myself. I guess a few colleagues picked up on this hence them telling my boss I’m very anxious.

I'll be honest, you have a wonderfully clear sense of your self and your situation, and while it's a cliche, that's half the battle. So the decision comes down to would you rather address your social anxiety so that you can feel more comfortable with small talk and making conversation with friendly acquaintances, or would you rather find a remote job where you are not expected to be a part of the social group?

You can't change the culture of this office, so hoping they change their expectations is futile.

You know you have these anxious qualities like being uncomfortable eating in front of them and seeming like you're on edge. Do you want to change that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Find a WFH job OP - it automatically requires 60% less interactions with colleagues on a day to day basis. Mine’s dropped 90% simply because I don’t have to smile and chit-chat when Susie walks behind my cubicle for her third cup of coffee.

NP. I am a highly anxious person and to be honest it comes out at work sometimes but in a different way - more of like I can be a control freak/type A. But, I work in an operation role where ot actually works - I have to push things along. Personally, I find working from home to be much more stressful for my anxiety. It actually turns out to be MORE interaction to manage because my coworkers are constantly blowing up my chat, phone, and email with questions that would have easily been a 1 minute conversation in person but now turn into a big production of email chains, phone tag, and people constantly bothering me.

Just giving an example of why WFH isn’t necessarily the answer. Personally, I find working with oriole in person to be so much less stressful than virtually.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think "I don't want to talk about it" can't be where you leave something with a boss. You need to follow up.

It might be easier, for an emotionally laden issue, to send an email. Something like "I appreciate you bringing your concern to my attention. I'm actually very happy with this job. I'm enjoying X project, and it's been great to learn more about Y. Unfortunately, as you and some of my colleagues have noticed, I can be a bit anxious and withdrawn. I'm having some personal problems that I'm struggling with. I'd prefer not to go into more detail, however, I want you to know that I am working on the underlying issue, and am committed to not letting it impact my work. In the meantime, I have taken your feedback to heart, and I will try to engage more with my colleagues. Is there a particular project or task where you think collaborating more closely with the team would be beneficial?"

Then, you need to find some ways to interact with your team. It's important to your boss, so make it important for you. I would recommend forcing yourself to have one interaction with a colleague each day. Focus on the project(s) your boss says - that's a good starting point. Start small - "hey, do you know where the printer paper is?" "I like those shoes." "This coffee is great/terrible." Think about your colleagues - is there one that seems approachable, or at least the least intimidating? Start with them. Five minutes a day. You can do five minutes a day. If you can't do five minutes, you can do one minute. It'll feel crazy hard and stressful at first, but after a few weeks, you'll get in a groove, and it'll be fine. Really. They won't bite.

Once you're in a good groove with that, see if you can add in something bigger, maybe once a week. Bring in donuts for everyone. Ask someone to go with you to grab coffee. You can do this!!

This is EXCELLENT guidance, OP! I hope that you take it. Also, I know that you're in therapy but it is possible that a life coach or mentor might help you with some of the social aspects of your work. Very much like the guidance above, sometimes it takes an outside person to help you come up with a plan that you can act on. Your therapist may be able to help you find the right person or make some suggestions. These are two very different aspects: the therapist his helping you with specific issues, and the life coach is helping you manage relationships with collagues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think "I don't want to talk about it" can't be where you leave something with a boss. You need to follow up.

It might be easier, for an emotionally laden issue, to send an email. Something like "I appreciate you bringing your concern to my attention. I'm actually very happy with this job. I'm enjoying X project, and it's been great to learn more about Y. Unfortunately, as you and some of my colleagues have noticed, I can be a bit anxious and withdrawn. I'm having some personal problems that I'm struggling with. I'd prefer not to go into more detail, however, I want you to know that I am working on the underlying issue, and am committed to not letting it impact my work. In the meantime, I have taken your feedback to heart, and I will try to engage more with my colleagues. Is there a particular project or task where you think collaborating more closely with the team would be beneficial?"

Then, you need to find some ways to interact with your team. It's important to your boss, so make it important for you. I would recommend forcing yourself to have one interaction with a colleague each day. Focus on the project(s) your boss says - that's a good starting point. Start small - "hey, do you know where the printer paper is?" "I like those shoes." "This coffee is great/terrible." Think about your colleagues - is there one that seems approachable, or at least the least intimidating? Start with them. Five minutes a day. You can do five minutes a day. If you can't do five minutes, you can do one minute. It'll feel crazy hard and stressful at first, but after a few weeks, you'll get in a groove, and it'll be fine. Really. They won't bite.

Once you're in a good groove with that, see if you can add in something bigger, maybe once a week. Bring in donuts for everyone. Ask someone to go with you to grab coffee. You can do this!!

This is EXCELLENT guidance, OP! I hope that you take it. Also, I know that you're in therapy but it is possible that a life coach or mentor might help you with some of the social aspects of your work. Very much like the guidance above, sometimes it takes an outside person to help you come up with a plan that you can act on. Your therapist may be able to help you find the right person or make some suggestions. These are two very different aspects: the therapist his helping you with specific issues, and the life coach is helping you manage relationships with collagues*.

Colleagues **