Boss told me that he rarely sees me interacting with my coworkers

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Love that he created an even more anxious situation by gossiping about you to coworkers and then telling you about it. That's pretty unprofessional.


Girl, just do your job. These people don't matter.

+1, he's gossiping about a medical condition (anxiety). WTF kind of boss is that?! He's a walking ADA violation.

Um, he is not gossiping about a medical condition. He is a boss asking an employee's peers about their relationships with the employee. A good supervisor talks to the people s/he supervises to ensure that people are getting along.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I know that most of you mean well. But my boss didn’t ‘gossip’ about me to my coworkers. I think my senior supervisor picked up on my anxiety early on and then mentioned it to my boss. Also, my coworkers have probably sensed that as well. The meeting with my boss didn’t sound judgmental, it was to ask about why I’m not being part of a team.

So for example, I don’t eat in lunch area, eat on my desk. They don’t see me grabbing lunch with other coworkers, laughing, joking, etc during lunchtime. When I was in my interview I remember him saying that their team is incredibly close and they’re like a big family. So it does make sense when my boss, supervisor or coworkers see my lack of social interaction in the workplace. He told me that we have no idea on who you are and what you’re like because we don’t see you interacting with others or being part of a team. He said he wants to see me from now on interacting with others for like an hour a day with my coworkers and work with them instead of being by myself.

The thing is I can’t get myself to do it. It’s too much for me at the moment. I just want to be left alone and do my own thing. I know it’s not ideal but at least I’m not causing problems and getting my work done. I understand that my boss’s request is reasonable and I should be more hands on and engage with others, but I can’t do it at this point in time. I might get the courage to do it after a few months, but at the same time I am afraid I’ll get fired? Can my refusal to be part of a team cause me to get fired? If my boss sees me next week still alone and not being with other coworkers what do I do or tell him?

Two thoughts: 1) have you thought about talking to your senior supervisor, expressing what you've said here, and asking for a bit of grace?, and 2) in the realm of baby steps, could you each day engage in one small social interaction like, getting your lunch from the lunch room when you know someone else is there AND exchanging a pleasantry with that person "Hi, Sam. Beautiful day! Excuse me while I grab my lunch ... no, no, thank you! I prefer to eat at my desk today but thanks so much for asking."

[Anonymous]

Maybe bring in snacks or baked goods for the office. Some sort of small gesture that inticates you like them enough. Maybe up the non verbal gestures. A friendly smile as you dart away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Love that he created an even more anxious situation by gossiping about you to coworkers and then telling you about it. That's pretty unprofessional.


Girl, just do your job. These people don't matter.

+1, he's gossiping about a medical condition (anxiety). WTF kind of boss is that?! He's a walking ADA violation.

Um, he is not gossiping about a medical condition. He is a boss asking an employee's peers about their relationships with the employee. A good supervisor talks to the people s/he supervises to ensure that people are getting along.

Anxiety is a medical condition. It's none of his business nor his place.

He then told me that he’s asked a few of my other coworkers what they think about me and they all said I’m ‘highly anxious.’ I admit that it’s very true. My personal problems that I’ve been struggling for years have managed to spill into my work life and others have seemed to witness that.

He then told me that this was said by more than person, so they can’t be lying. I told him that I don’t disagree with that they’ve said. I then told him “I don’t want to talk about it.” He spoke for another few minutes about managing my anxiety and I left.

[Anonymous]

OP, you need to learn how to make friends. It is not OK to treat your colleagues like machines. You aren’t a machine, you are a person.

[Anonymous]

I don’t think you can request your boss to allow you not to interact with your coworkers. Have you tried asking HR though since you have a condition? Do you have a formal diagnosis?

I think most supervisors wouldn’t know how to handle a request like that. I supervise a group of 50+ and l really don’t know how l would deal with that. I once had an employee that was very emotional, crying about many different things during work, and l recommended she talk to the EAP which she refused. I know it was ok for me to recommend that because l asked employee relations.

[Anonymous]

OP - it is obvious that your anxiety has been a part of your life and is impacting your work life. You do not mention if you are on medication because if you are with the new job pressures, you may need a change in medication amount. If you are not on medication, then getting a screening is the first step. Have you considered getting a therapist that you could work on the issues leading to the anxiety and also on social strategies at work. You are so wound up, you need someone who could support you in small steps to improve your work relationships. Do you get regular exercise to help get the stress out of your system
Before the work day? Or have you considered even a 10 to 15 minute walk at lunch.

I have a highly successful and highly anxious daughter who needs the outlet of a weekly session by phone with a therapist to keep a life balance. As she describes it, feelings of stress can just take over if she does not get outside and have daily strenuous exercise. She is on medication for sleep, too, as that is
also a sign if things seem to getting a bit out of balance. It is just a part of how her body works. It is important for you to find the professional folks who can help you find a good balance as coworkers are not the ones to hear about your anxiety.
. Cm

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Love that he created an even more anxious situation by gossiping about you to coworkers and then telling you about it. That's pretty unprofessional.


Girl, just do your job. These people don't matter.

+1, he's gossiping about a medical condition (anxiety). WTF kind of boss is that?! He's a walking ADA violation.

Um, he is not gossiping about a medical condition. He is a boss asking an employee's peers about their relationships with the employee. A good supervisor talks to the people s/he supervises to ensure that people are getting along.

NP here, it's wildly inappropriate for the boss to tell OP what everybody is saying about her. That's middle school BS and no way to manage.

It would be fine for boss to schedule a regular (not daily) group lunch. It would be fine to have a lighthearted ice breaker at the staff meeting where you talk about hobbies. It would be fine for boss to buy OP a coffee and try to get to know her. That's not what happened.

I tend to think this isn't the right long term job for OP (the "family" stuff is a red flag for a lot of us) but boss is definitely in the wrong.

Side note on food - lunch is a mental break: if you must have a chatty work lunch, you need to let people take a quiet minute later to make up for it. Also some people really cannot eat with others for mental or physical reasons: I worked for 10 years with a very sociable man who attended all of our office parties and no morsel passed his lips. It was fine. Stop trying to make people eat to be social.

[Anonymous]

Just be like, "yea, well, I don't like them. I didn't come work here to make friends."

[Anonymous]

They are paying you to do your work, not to chit chat when and how they want you to.
I think your boss is a douche but I am not sure how to show him his place.
I hope others will chime in
I was in a similar situation, luckily no one raised the issue. I was older than most and was going through divorce and that job was a lifeline financially.
They laid me off once covid started (with others, some of which were in known conflict with their superiors).
It made me angry, I made sure I exhausted covid unemployment and then found a part time job at a school district where nobody wants to chat more than necessary and I just do my job and do it well.
Sorry I digressed but just letting you know that I know how painful it is to be part of the young happy go lucky crowd when you’ve been through stuff

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe bring in snacks or baked goods for the office. Some sort of small gesture that inticates you like them enough. Maybe up the non verbal gestures. A friendly smile as you dart away.

Don't do this. Especially if you are a woman.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Love that he created an even more anxious situation by gossiping about you to coworkers and then telling you about it. That's pretty unprofessional.


Girl, just do your job. These people don't matter.

+1, he's gossiping about a medical condition (anxiety). WTF kind of boss is that?! He's a walking ADA violation.

Um, he is not gossiping about a medical condition. He is a boss asking an employee's peers about their relationships with the employee. A good supervisor talks to the people s/he supervises to ensure that people are getting along.

NP here, it's wildly inappropriate for the boss to tell OP what everybody is saying about her. That's middle school BS and no way to manage.

It would be fine for boss to schedule a regular (not daily) group lunch. It would be fine to have a lighthearted ice breaker at the staff meeting where you talk about hobbies. It would be fine for boss to buy OP a coffee and try to get to know her. That's not what happened.

I tend to think this isn't the right long term job for OP (the "family" stuff is a red flag for a lot of us) but boss is definitely in the wrong.

Side note on food - lunch is a mental break: if you must have a chatty work lunch, you need to let people take a quiet minute later to make up for it. Also some people really cannot eat with others for mental or physical reasons: I worked for 10 years with a very sociable man who attended all of our office parties and no morsel passed his lips. It was fine. Stop trying to make people eat to be social.

+100

[Anonymous]

Without knowing more information, my best guess is that you should eat lunch with your coworkers.

Unfortunately, individuals do not dictate to employers how to run an office. Your coworkers and your superiors think that your lack of interaction with others is disruptive to the team. You want to work on your own terms regardless of how it may adversely affect the work environment for the rest of the team.

When your superior asked you if you had found another job, it was not a question, it was a hint.

[Anonymous]

+1 People love food.

Anonymous wrote:Maybe bring in snacks or baked goods for the office. Some sort of small gesture that inticates you like them enough. Maybe up the non verbal gestures. A friendly smile as you dart away.

[Anonymous]

You aren’t fitting into the culture. Culture is a major part of a job. Either try harder or look for a position at a place with an office culture that meets your needs better.