Boss told me that he rarely sees me interacting with my coworkers

[Anonymous]

Ok, so I’ve started a new job for almost 3 months now. It’s a good job and it ticks many boxes, so no complaints regarding it. However, I have been experiencing so many issues in my personal life for the past few years. It made me highly insecure and depressed. I was unemployed for a few years, so this job is a major step and progress for me.

My job mainly consists of my boss, senior supervisor and around 10 coworkers. I’m on good terms with everyone and have a cordial relationship with them. I often don’t get much face to face interaction with my boss because he’s always busy, so I see and interact with my senior supervisor more. I regularly email my boss though and he does to regarding coordinating the tasks. Yesterday my boss emailed me and said he wants to have a meeting with me and I agreed.

I got into his office and he asked me how I’m coping with the workload and if I find anything too much, I should let him know. He then told me that he doesn’t get to see me interacting with my coworkers and I’m always kept to myself in another room. He said that he doesn’t see me working as part of a team and asked if I already had another job lined up. I told him that’s not the case. He then told me that he’s asked a few of my other coworkers what they think about me and they all said I’m ‘highly anxious.’ I admit that it’s very true. My personal problems that I’ve been struggling for years have managed to spill into my work life and others have seemed to witness that.

He then told me that this was said by more than person, so they can’t be lying. I told him that I don’t disagree with that they’ve said. I then told him “I don’t want to talk about it.” He spoke for another few minutes about managing my anxiety and I left. I actually got teary driving on my way home.

I don’t know what to do. I can’t get myself to hang around my coworkers due to my anxiousness and difficult past. He told me that he wants to see me “interacting more” with others and it’s so hard for me. At the same time, does my boss think I have issues? If everyone describes me as “highly anxious,” does that reflect badly on me? Is it ok if I tell my boss that I can’t interact with my coworkers and I want some space and to be left alone? Please don’t advice me to seek therapy, because I’m in the process of doing that. I just want to know how can I handle this situation.

[Anonymous]

Is it possible to push yourself to interact with them. Even if it makes you feel uncomfortable. If it’s too difficult I would find a job that makes your work more independently.

[Anonymous]

Are you the OP of "need to work on "joy"" evaluation thread?

[Anonymous]

Can you give me some examples where your interactions with coworkers would demonstrate that you are very anxious? I honestly don't know what that would look like. I mean this sincerely. If I asked you "How is Project X going?" or "Hey, did you see there are brownies in the lunch room?" how would you reply?

[Anonymous]

Are you getting your work done well? If so, I don’t see the problem.

[Anonymous]

Can you give examples of high anxiety?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you getting your work done well? If so, I don’t see the problem.

Yes. I mean, this might be a legitimate problem in how you are perceived, or this may just be a bad boss.
I normally get excellent performance reviews but I did have one supervisor who had no problems with my actual work but had a lot of criticisms of my personality. He just had a very narrow view of what a successful employee looked like.

[Anonymous]

Find a WFH job OP - it automatically requires 60% less interactions with colleagues on a day to day basis. Mine’s dropped 90% simply because I don’t have to smile and chit-chat when Susie walks behind my cubicle for her third cup of coffee.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you the OP of "need to work on "joy"" evaluation thread?

No I’m not

[Anonymous]

I think "I don't want to talk about it" can't be where you leave something with a boss. You need to follow up.

It might be easier, for an emotionally laden issue, to send an email. Something like "I appreciate you bringing your concern to my attention. I'm actually very happy with this job. I'm enjoying X project, and it's been great to learn more about Y. Unfortunately, as you and some of my colleagues have noticed, I can be a bit anxious and withdrawn. I'm having some personal problems that I'm struggling with. I'd prefer not to go into more detail, however, I want you to know that I am working on the underlying issue, and am committed to not letting it impact my work. In the meantime, I have taken your feedback to heart, and I will try to engage more with my colleagues. Is there a particular project or task where you think collaborating more closely with the team would be beneficial?"

Then, you need to find some ways to interact with your team. It's important to your boss, so make it important for you. I would recommend forcing yourself to have one interaction with a colleague each day. Focus on the project(s) your boss says - that's a good starting point. Start small - "hey, do you know where the printer paper is?" "I like those shoes." "This coffee is great/terrible." Think about your colleagues - is there one that seems approachable, or at least the least intimidating? Start with them. Five minutes a day. You can do five minutes a day. If you can't do five minutes, you can do one minute. It'll feel crazy hard and stressful at first, but after a few weeks, you'll get in a groove, and it'll be fine. Really. They won't bite.

Once you're in a good groove with that, see if you can add in something bigger, maybe once a week. Bring in donuts for everyone. Ask someone to go with you to grab coffee. You can do this!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can you give me some examples where your interactions with coworkers would demonstrate that you are very anxious? I honestly don't know what that would look like. I mean this sincerely. If I asked you "How is Project X going?" or "Hey, did you see there are brownies in the lunch room?" how would you reply?

I’ll answer your questions like this:

1) My project is going fine, just has some issues in x, y, but overall I’m doing ok

2) No, I didn’t see any.

My interactions demonstrate I’m very anxious in the sense that I never make jokes, engage in banter, small talk, etc. I don’t speak about my interests, personal life, hobbies, where I went on weekend, etc, whilst they openly discuss these things with each other. My interactions with my coworkers is strictly work related matters. I don’t initiate any conversations either. I feel uncomfortable eating in front of them. I’m very passive and don’t have a voice. I usually assist them with their tasks, for example like bringing printed papers, stapling them, etc. I frequently seem on edge, my face becomes red, tense, voice so low, etc. I don’t open up easily and keep to myself. I guess a few colleagues picked up on this hence them telling my boss I’m very anxious.

[Anonymous]

Anxiety and depression fall under ADA so if you think you need to ask for accommodations (rather than risk losing your job), I'd get that on record now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you give me some examples where your interactions with coworkers would demonstrate that you are very anxious? I honestly don't know what that would look like. I mean this sincerely. If I asked you "How is Project X going?" or "Hey, did you see there are brownies in the lunch room?" how would you reply?

I’ll answer your questions like this:

1) My project is going fine, just has some issues in x, y, but overall I’m doing ok

2) No, I didn’t see any.

My interactions demonstrate I’m very anxious in the sense that I never make jokes, engage in banter, small talk, etc. I don’t speak about my interests, personal life, hobbies, where I went on weekend, etc, whilst they openly discuss these things with each other. My interactions with my coworkers is strictly work related matters. I don’t initiate any conversations either. I feel uncomfortable eating in front of them. I’m very passive and don’t have a voice. I usually assist them with their tasks, for example like bringing printed papers, stapling them, etc. I frequently seem on edge, my face becomes red, tense, voice so low, etc. I don’t open up easily and keep to myself. I guess a few colleagues picked up on this hence them telling my boss I’m very anxious.

Have you considered this is the wrong work environment for you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you give me some examples where your interactions with coworkers would demonstrate that you are very anxious? I honestly don't know what that would look like. I mean this sincerely. If I asked you "How is Project X going?" or "Hey, did you see there are brownies in the lunch room?" how would you reply?

I’ll answer your questions like this:

1) My project is going fine, just has some issues in x, y, but overall I’m doing ok

2) No, I didn’t see any.

My interactions demonstrate I’m very anxious in the sense that I never make jokes, engage in banter, small talk, etc. I don’t speak about my interests, personal life, hobbies, where I went on weekend, etc, whilst they openly discuss these things with each other. My interactions with my coworkers is strictly work related matters. I don’t initiate any conversations either. I feel uncomfortable eating in front of them. I’m very passive and don’t have a voice. I usually assist them with their tasks, for example like bringing printed papers, stapling them, etc. I frequently seem on edge, my face becomes red, tense, voice so low, etc. I don’t open up easily and keep to myself. I guess a few colleagues picked up on this hence them telling my boss I’m very anxious.

Have you considered this is the wrong work environment for you?

This...either the team or the company isn't right for you. I say that it could just be the team because teams at my company (tech) vary wildly in culture. Mine, you do better if you're funny and share your interests and we're friends. But others are very much, focus on your own work, all business, quiet. You need to find the latter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you give me some examples where your interactions with coworkers would demonstrate that you are very anxious? I honestly don't know what that would look like. I mean this sincerely. If I asked you "How is Project X going?" or "Hey, did you see there are brownies in the lunch room?" how would you reply?

I’ll answer your questions like this:

1) My project is going fine, just has some issues in x, y, but overall I’m doing ok

2) No, I didn’t see any.

My interactions demonstrate I’m very anxious in the sense that I never make jokes, engage in banter, small talk, etc. I don’t speak about my interests, personal life, hobbies, where I went on weekend, etc, whilst they openly discuss these things with each other. My interactions with my coworkers is strictly work related matters. I don’t initiate any conversations either. I feel uncomfortable eating in front of them. I’m very passive and don’t have a voice. I usually assist them with their tasks, for example like bringing printed papers, stapling them, etc. I frequently seem on edge, my face becomes red, tense, voice so low, etc. I don’t open up easily and keep to myself. I guess a few colleagues picked up on this hence them telling my boss I’m very anxious.

Have you considered this is the wrong work environment for you?

I don’t consider it the wrong environment. I stated previously that it ticks my boxes. The issue is not the workplace but rather my anxiety that affects me and my interactions with others. I keep blaming it on my personal life and the struggles that I’ve encountered because it’s just spilled onto my work life. Also, if I am ‘very anxious’ as described, would I be looked down upon and thought of poorly? Does that mean that my boss and coworkers are better of without me? Am I a hindrance to my team and a burden?