Boss told me that he rarely sees me interacting with my coworkers

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Love that he created an even more anxious situation by gossiping about you to coworkers and then telling you about it. That's pretty unprofessional.


Girl, just do your job. These people don't matter.

+1, he's gossiping about a medical condition (anxiety). WTF kind of boss is that?! He's a walking ADA violation.

Um, he is not gossiping about a medical condition. He is a boss asking an employee's peers about their relationships with the employee. A good supervisor talks to the people s/he supervises to ensure that people are getting along.

Anxiety is a medical condition. It's none of his business nor his place.

He then told me that he’s asked a few of my other coworkers what they think about me and they all said I’m ‘highly anxious.’ I admit that it’s very true. My personal problems that I’ve been struggling for years have managed to spill into my work life and others have seemed to witness that.

He then told me that this was said by more than person, so they can’t be lying. I told him that I don’t disagree with that they’ve said. I then told him “I don’t want to talk about it.” He spoke for another few minutes about managing my anxiety and I left.

Again, he isn't gossiping. He asked peers for their opinions, they gave their opinions. The peers' use of the word "anxiety" or "highly anxious" does not at all constitute gossiping or an ADA violation. The word anxiety is a noun that also can be used as an adjective.

There are very narrow situations where it would be okay for a boss to ask subordinates about another subordinate's work or behavior. There is no situation where it is okay to ask about another subordinate's personality or perceived mental health and, if this information came up in the conversation anyway (i.e., employee volunteers the other person is anxious) it is not appropriate to tell the person what was said let alone "everyone is saying it so it must be true."

That last part - relaying what everyone said -- is gossip.

Also, the ADA covers mental health issues including anxiety. The boss's intrusive little chat about anxiety makes it very difficult for HR to deny that OP has a covered disability, should OP decide to pursue accommodations or challenge adverse employment action.

You're wrong. Hey, Fred, how is it going with the new employee, Ron? or SusieQ, tell me what you think of the new employee, Ron. or Flighty, how did it go when you worked with Ron on the project? It is okay if you don't know the answer. It isn't okay if you make stuff up. Any boss can ask a subordinate about their relationships with other coworkers and for them to give their opinions about that person's work and behavior.

If you're a manager, you should have a chat with HR about this.

OMG. Your boss has never asked you about how the new guy is working out? You've never asked a subordinate the same thing? It is okay to ask staff members about how well or not well the team works together. It is okay for a group of employees to participate in a discussion of the team dynamics. Please stop making stuff up.

NP, I've been asked, but it's related to the task at hand. "Can you give Larlo a hand with the TPS reports? Looks like he's struggling putting the cover sheet on." Not "I think Larlo has anxiety, do you think he's weird? Should he be medicated? Does he act weird around you?"

RIF. You need to go back and read OP's posts. Literally NONE of them include those questions. Stop projecting. When you make stuff up, it derails the conversation. That may be your point but it is annoying to have to deal with that level of immaturity from you.

[Anonymous]

As someone who has mild anxiety in settings with a large group of people, I would recommend being the first to arrive at work and set yourself up in the common room. Once several people arrive and it gets to be too much, just pick up your stuff, announce that it's nothing personal but you work better in quiet settings, and move to the single room.
This is the strategy I use for parties. I arrive on time, mingle with the host and the first people to arrive, force myself to stay an extra 30 minutes and then sneak off.

[Anonymous]

Your boss was out of line. The worst thing to say to an anxious person is "everyone says you're anxious!". Your boss is not a good manager.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your boss was out of line. The worst thing to say to an anxious person is "everyone says you're anxious!". Your boss is not a good manager.

+1000

[Anonymous]

How did this week go, OP? Were you able to interact more with your colleagues?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As someone who has mild anxiety in settings with a large group of people, I would recommend being the first to arrive at work and set yourself up in the common room. Once several people arrive and it gets to be too much, just pick up your stuff, announce that it's nothing personal but you work better in quiet settings, and move to the single room.
This is the strategy I use for parties. I arrive on time, mingle with the host and the first people to arrive, force myself to stay an extra 30 minutes and then sneak off.

This is a great suggestion!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m having trouble seeing how your anxiety or disinclination to chit chat with coworkers is your boss’s business. How is your relationship with this boss? Is it possible to say to the boss, “I have diagnosed anxiety. It’s a medical condition. It sounds like you feel it’s affecting my work performance. Can we talk more about the ways you see it affecting my performance so that I can work on those? I care about being successful in this position.” Listen and see if you can do the things boss is asking for. You might need to think and process before you respond, and that’s ok. You can also say, “I want to meet all of these expectations. I might need to ask for accommodations under the ADA to do so. Let me have a chance to think about what accommodations I need, and I will get back to you.”

If the boss is just saying “be more outgoing because we think it’s weird that you don’t chat” s/he might realize what s/he is asking for is not appropriate. Otherwise, you can work with management so they make accommodations so that you can meet the requirements of your job.

+1000. This right here is an excellent response. Also, preface by saying “I didn’t mean to sound abrupt in our last conversation, I just needed a moment to gather my response.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m having trouble seeing how your anxiety or disinclination to chit chat with coworkers is your boss’s business. How is your relationship with this boss? Is it possible to say to the boss, “I have diagnosed anxiety. It’s a medical condition. It sounds like you feel it’s affecting my work performance. Can we talk more about the ways you see it affecting my performance so that I can work on those? I care about being successful in this position.” Listen and see if you can do the things boss is asking for. You might need to think and process before you respond, and that’s ok. You can also say, “I want to meet all of these expectations. I might need to ask for accommodations under the ADA to do so. Let me have a chance to think about what accommodations I need, and I will get back to you.”

If the boss is just saying “be more outgoing because we think it’s weird that you don’t chat” s/he might realize what s/he is asking for is not appropriate. Otherwise, you can work with management so they make accommodations so that you can meet the requirements of your job.

+1000. This right here is an excellent response. Also, preface by saying “I didn’t mean to sound abrupt in our last conversation, I just needed a moment to gather my response.”

And the executive functioning/life coach is an excellent suggestion as well. They can help you with the baby steps in these kinds of interactions. Meanwhile, you can work with a therapist on getting a formal diagnosis for ADA. I think it would help a lot to have that in place since it sounds like you may experience ongoing challenges with anxiety to various degrees. You will be protected more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m having trouble seeing how your anxiety or disinclination to chit chat with coworkers is your boss’s business. How is your relationship with this boss? Is it possible to say to the boss, “I have diagnosed anxiety. It’s a medical condition. It sounds like you feel it’s affecting my work performance. Can we talk more about the ways you see it affecting my performance so that I can work on those? I care about being successful in this position.” Listen and see if you can do the things boss is asking for. You might need to think and process before you respond, and that’s ok. You can also say, “I want to meet all of these expectations. I might need to ask for accommodations under the ADA to do so. Let me have a chance to think about what accommodations I need, and I will get back to you.”

If the boss is just saying “be more outgoing because we think it’s weird that you don’t chat” s/he might realize what s/he is asking for is not appropriate. Otherwise, you can work with management so they make accommodations so that you can meet the requirements of your job.

+1000. This right here is an excellent response. Also, preface by saying “I didn’t mean to sound abrupt in our last conversation, I just needed a moment to gather my response.”

People, read the posts that have come before yours.

The OP does NOT have a diagnosed medical condition. OP is NOT even in therapy, has not ever received a diagnosis, and is NOT receiving any treatment. OP has self-diagnosed and has said so explicitly.

Ergo, no ADA applies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m having trouble seeing how your anxiety or disinclination to chit chat with coworkers is your boss’s business. How is your relationship with this boss? Is it possible to say to the boss, “I have diagnosed anxiety. It’s a medical condition. It sounds like you feel it’s affecting my work performance. Can we talk more about the ways you see it affecting my performance so that I can work on those? I care about being successful in this position.” Listen and see if you can do the things boss is asking for. You might need to think and process before you respond, and that’s ok. You can also say, “I want to meet all of these expectations. I might need to ask for accommodations under the ADA to do so. Let me have a chance to think about what accommodations I need, and I will get back to you.”

If the boss is just saying “be more outgoing because we think it’s weird that you don’t chat” s/he might realize what s/he is asking for is not appropriate. Otherwise, you can work with management so they make accommodations so that you can meet the requirements of your job.

+1000. This right here is an excellent response. Also, preface by saying “I didn’t mean to sound abrupt in our last conversation, I just needed a moment to gather my response.”

People, read the posts that have come before yours.

The OP does NOT have a diagnosed medical condition. OP is NOT even in therapy, has not ever received a diagnosis, and is NOT receiving any treatment. OP has self-diagnosed and has said so explicitly.

Ergo, no ADA applies.

HENCE, based on the symptoms that OP has described, the many suggestions to seek a therapist that may be able to give her a formal diagnosis which could lead to ADA. And the life-skill coaching to help in these situations, the suggestions for which is WHY OP is here. Why don't YOU read the posts before yours.