Boss told me that he rarely sees me interacting with my coworkers

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Love that he created an even more anxious situation by gossiping about you to coworkers and then telling you about it. That's pretty unprofessional.


Girl, just do your job. These people don't matter.

+1, he's gossiping about a medical condition (anxiety). WTF kind of boss is that?! He's a walking ADA violation.

Um, he is not gossiping about a medical condition. He is a boss asking an employee's peers about their relationships with the employee. A good supervisor talks to the people s/he supervises to ensure that people are getting along.

Anxiety is a medical condition. It's none of his business nor his place.

He then told me that he’s asked a few of my other coworkers what they think about me and they all said I’m ‘highly anxious.’ I admit that it’s very true. My personal problems that I’ve been struggling for years have managed to spill into my work life and others have seemed to witness that.

He then told me that this was said by more than person, so they can’t be lying. I told him that I don’t disagree with that they’ve said. I then told him “I don’t want to talk about it.” He spoke for another few minutes about managing my anxiety and I left.

Again, he isn't gossiping. He asked peers for their opinions, they gave their opinions. The peers' use of the word "anxiety" or "highly anxious" does not at all constitute gossiping or an ADA violation. The word anxiety is a noun that also can be used as an adjective.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Love that he created an even more anxious situation by gossiping about you to coworkers and then telling you about it. That's pretty unprofessional.


Girl, just do your job. These people don't matter.

+1, he's gossiping about a medical condition (anxiety). WTF kind of boss is that?! He's a walking ADA violation.

Um, he is not gossiping about a medical condition. He is a boss asking an employee's peers about their relationships with the employee. A good supervisor talks to the people s/he supervises to ensure that people are getting along.

Anxiety is a medical condition. It's none of his business nor his place.

He then told me that he’s asked a few of my other coworkers what they think about me and they all said I’m ‘highly anxious.’ I admit that it’s very true. My personal problems that I’ve been struggling for years have managed to spill into my work life and others have seemed to witness that.

He then told me that this was said by more than person, so they can’t be lying. I told him that I don’t disagree with that they’ve said. I then told him “I don’t want to talk about it.” He spoke for another few minutes about managing my anxiety and I left.

Again, he isn't gossiping. He asked peers for their opinions, they gave their opinions. The peers' use of the word "anxiety" or "highly anxious" does not at all constitute gossiping or an ADA violation. The word anxiety is a noun that also can be used as an adjective.

There are very narrow situations where it would be okay for a boss to ask subordinates about another subordinate's work or behavior. There is no situation where it is okay to ask about another subordinate's personality or perceived mental health and, if this information came up in the conversation anyway (i.e., employee volunteers the other person is anxious) it is not appropriate to tell the person what was said let alone "everyone is saying it so it must be true."

That last part - relaying what everyone said -- is gossip.

Also, the ADA covers mental health issues including anxiety. The boss's intrusive little chat about anxiety makes it very difficult for HR to deny that OP has a covered disability, should OP decide to pursue accommodations or challenge adverse employment action.

[Anonymous]

I’m having trouble seeing how your anxiety or disinclination to chit chat with coworkers is your boss’s business. How is your relationship with this boss? Is it possible to say to the boss, “I have diagnosed anxiety. It’s a medical condition. It sounds like you feel it’s affecting my work performance. Can we talk more about the ways you see it affecting my performance so that I can work on those? I care about being successful in this position.” Listen and see if you can do the things boss is asking for. You might need to think and process before you respond, and that’s ok. You can also say, “I want to meet all of these expectations. I might need to ask for accommodations under the ADA to do so. Let me have a chance to think about what accommodations I need, and I will get back to you.”

If the boss is just saying “be more outgoing because we think it’s weird that you don’t chat” s/he might realize what s/he is asking for is not appropriate. Otherwise, you can work with management so they make accommodations so that you can meet the requirements of your job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you getting your work done well? If so, I don’t see the problem.

This, is part of your job to become friends with coworkers? I would ask him if your job performance was up to par, and leave it at that. And/or tell him that you didn’t know that friendships with coworkers was job requirement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you getting your work done well? If so, I don’t see the problem.

This, is part of your job to become friends with coworkers? I would ask him if your job performance was up to par, and leave it at that. And/or tell him that you didn’t know that friendships with coworkers was job requirement.

A lot of jobs aren't that narrow. It's about discussion and rapport, others feeling comfortable coming to you with questions, feeling like you are a team and can talk through issues, etc. This may not be the job for OP. But to turn the tables, it seems unpleasant to have to work with someone who is so stressed out over every small interaction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Love that he created an even more anxious situation by gossiping about you to coworkers and then telling you about it. That's pretty unprofessional.


Girl, just do your job. These people don't matter.

+1 He seems highly unprofessional.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you getting your work done well? If so, I don’t see the problem.

This, is part of your job to become friends with coworkers? I would ask him if your job performance was up to par, and leave it at that. And/or tell him that you didn’t know that friendships with coworkers was job requirement.

A lot of jobs aren't that narrow. It's about discussion and rapport, others feeling comfortable coming to you with questions, feeling like you are a team and can talk through issues, etc. This may not be the job for OP. But to turn the tables, it seems unpleasant to have to work with someone who is so stressed out over every small interaction.

It might be unpleasant. But if interacting with someone is unpleasant for you BECAUSE OF THEIR DISABILITY and their work performance meets requirements, it doesn’t matter one bit that you’re uncomfortable because of their disability. That boss can stuff it.

[Anonymous]

Advice from an employment lawyer — document the hell out of this, OP. Start by emailing yourself a summary of the meeting. The email will put a date stamp on it (because you’re sending it by email). You need to do it now while you’re close in time to the meeting with the supervisor. State the date of the meeting and everything that happened. Make sure you use the word “anxiety.”

You may end up with a claim for disability discrimination at the end of the day. But start documenting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you getting your work done well? If so, I don’t see the problem.

This, is part of your job to become friends with coworkers? I would ask him if your job performance was up to par, and leave it at that. And/or tell him that you didn’t know that friendships with coworkers was job requirement.

A lot of jobs aren't that narrow. It's about discussion and rapport, others feeling comfortable coming to you with questions, feeling like you are a team and can talk through issues, etc. This may not be the job for OP. But to turn the tables, it seems unpleasant to have to work with someone who is so stressed out over every small interaction.

It might be unpleasant. But if interacting with someone is unpleasant for you BECAUSE OF THEIR DISABILITY and their work performance meets requirements, it doesn’t matter one bit that you’re uncomfortable because of their disability. That boss can stuff it.

OP hasn't said she has a disability per se. If someone has a really high strung, stressed out personality, you can't see how it would affect others who have to work with them?

It really matters on what "work performance" means for this job

[Anonymous]

OP here. I just want to make things clearer because many people have assumptions about my boss. He is a good person and I like him. He is kind, down to earth and very warm. He is always regularly emailing me regarding projects. Every now and then, when he walks in the office, he seems to notice that I’m not engaging with others.

In the office, there’s a really large room with multiple computers like 5 and a few small rooms with only one computer. I’m always doing my work in one of these small rooms by myself (it’s only suitable for one person anyway) and rarely go to that main room. In that main room sometimes there’s discussions between coworkers about work related topics and projects. I rarely go to that room because I don’t feel comfortable around others and prefer to do my work in those small, individual rooms. They are a bit far from the other main room and I always leave my door open. So every now and then when my boss goes by, he doesn’t see me in that main room with others. So he automatically knows I’m by myself in the other rooms. He also talks with others in the main room for several minutes, then leaves. He has seemed to notice that I’m rarely in that main room and always by myself, and not interacting with my coworkers.

I have a feeling that he’s noticed I’m very distant and is worried about me. Combine that with the anxious behaviours my senior and coworkers have seen me displaying. So naturally, he probably asked a few coworkers about me to perhaps check up and see if everything is ok with me. I think my senior also told him about my ‘very anxious’ behaviour as well. I also want to add that one of my coworkers has texted me last week, asking if I’m ok because I didn’t come to work on a particular day. I told him that I’m fine and he’s like our boss wanted to see if everything is ok because he said he wanted to have a chat with you. So, that’s why my boss decided to have a meeting with me a few days later, ask me about how things are going and why ‘I’m not part of a team.’ I think he means well and is just checking on me like what a caring boss would do to his employees.

Also, when I said ‘I don’t want to talk about it’ to him, I never said it to end the conversation. He told me a few people said I’m very anxious and so I immediately became defensive and said that in a vulnerable manner. It was because I felt emotional. I’m going to work on Monday and need advice on how to go from there. I don’t think I’m yet comfortable to sit in the main area with others and would prefer the other individual room. Would it be ok if I remain in the small room by myself? What if he tells me that I need to go to the other main room and I just can’t get myself to do that, what shall I do? What if my other coworkers tell me to join them in the main room? Should I go or do I have the right to work alone by myself in the quite room?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I just want to make things clearer because many people have assumptions about my boss. He is a good person and I like him. He is kind, down to earth and very warm. He is always regularly emailing me regarding projects. Every now and then, when he walks in the office, he seems to notice that I’m not engaging with others.

In the office, there’s a really large room with multiple computers like 5 and a few small rooms with only one computer. I’m always doing my work in one of these small rooms by myself (it’s only suitable for one person anyway) and rarely go to that main room. In that main room sometimes there’s discussions between coworkers about work related topics and projects. I rarely go to that room because I don’t feel comfortable around others and prefer to do my work in those small, individual rooms. They are a bit far from the other main room and I always leave my door open. So every now and then when my boss goes by, he doesn’t see me in that main room with others. So he automatically knows I’m by myself in the other rooms. He also talks with others in the main room for several minutes, then leaves. He has seemed to notice that I’m rarely in that main room and always by myself, and not interacting with my coworkers.

I have a feeling that he’s noticed I’m very distant and is worried about me. Combine that with the anxious behaviours my senior and coworkers have seen me displaying. So naturally, he probably asked a few coworkers about me to perhaps check up and see if everything is ok with me. I think my senior also told him about my ‘very anxious’ behaviour as well. I also want to add that one of my coworkers has texted me last week, asking if I’m ok because I didn’t come to work on a particular day. I told him that I’m fine and he’s like our boss wanted to see if everything is ok because he said he wanted to have a chat with you. So, that’s why my boss decided to have a meeting with me a few days later, ask me about how things are going and why ‘I’m not part of a team.’ I think he means well and is just checking on me like what a caring boss would do to his employees.

Also, when I said ‘I don’t want to talk about it’ to him, I never said it to end the conversation. He told me a few people said I’m very anxious and so I immediately became defensive and said that in a vulnerable manner. It was because I felt emotional. I’m going to work on Monday and need advice on how to go from there. I don’t think I’m yet comfortable to sit in the main area with others and would prefer the other individual room. Would it be ok if I remain in the small room by myself? What if he tells me that I need to go to the other main room and I just can’t get myself to do that, what shall I do? What if my other coworkers tell me to join them in the main room? Should I go or do I have the right to work alone by myself in the quite room?

You've gotten tips on how to take some small steps in this direction.

In terms of the Q, it really depends on the job and role. It doesn't seem like they can expect you to work in the main room all day (what would be the point) but does your anxiety prevent you from attending meetings? Like if they say, we're all meeting to discuss XYZ at 2pm, would you say no?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Love that he created an even more anxious situation by gossiping about you to coworkers and then telling you about it. That's pretty unprofessional.


Girl, just do your job. These people don't matter.

+1, he's gossiping about a medical condition (anxiety). WTF kind of boss is that?! He's a walking ADA violation.

Um, he is not gossiping about a medical condition. He is a boss asking an employee's peers about their relationships with the employee. A good supervisor talks to the people s/he supervises to ensure that people are getting along.

Anxiety is a medical condition. It's none of his business nor his place.

He then told me that he’s asked a few of my other coworkers what they think about me and they all said I’m ‘highly anxious.’ I admit that it’s very true. My personal problems that I’ve been struggling for years have managed to spill into my work life and others have seemed to witness that.

He then told me that this was said by more than person, so they can’t be lying. I told him that I don’t disagree with that they’ve said. I then told him “I don’t want to talk about it.” He spoke for another few minutes about managing my anxiety and I left.

Again, he isn't gossiping. He asked peers for their opinions, they gave their opinions. The peers' use of the word "anxiety" or "highly anxious" does not at all constitute gossiping or an ADA violation. The word anxiety is a noun that also can be used as an adjective.

There are very narrow situations where it would be okay for a boss to ask subordinates about another subordinate's work or behavior. There is no situation where it is okay to ask about another subordinate's personality or perceived mental health and, if this information came up in the conversation anyway (i.e., employee volunteers the other person is anxious) it is not appropriate to tell the person what was said let alone "everyone is saying it so it must be true."

That last part - relaying what everyone said -- is gossip.

Also, the ADA covers mental health issues including anxiety. The boss's intrusive little chat about anxiety makes it very difficult for HR to deny that OP has a covered disability, should OP decide to pursue accommodations or challenge adverse employment action.

You're wrong. Hey, Fred, how is it going with the new employee, Ron? or SusieQ, tell me what you think of the new employee, Ron. or Flighty, how did it go when you worked with Ron on the project? It is okay if you don't know the answer. It isn't okay if you make stuff up. Any boss can ask a subordinate about their relationships with other coworkers and for them to give their opinions about that person's work and behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I just want to make things clearer because many people have assumptions about my boss. He is a good person and I like him. He is kind, down to earth and very warm. He is always regularly emailing me regarding projects. Every now and then, when he walks in the office, he seems to notice that I’m not engaging with others.

In the office, there’s a really large room with multiple computers like 5 and a few small rooms with only one computer. I’m always doing my work in one of these small rooms by myself (it’s only suitable for one person anyway) and rarely go to that main room. In that main room sometimes there’s discussions between coworkers about work related topics and projects. I rarely go to that room because I don’t feel comfortable around others and prefer to do my work in those small, individual rooms. They are a bit far from the other main room and I always leave my door open. So every now and then when my boss goes by, he doesn’t see me in that main room with others. So he automatically knows I’m by myself in the other rooms. He also talks with others in the main room for several minutes, then leaves. He has seemed to notice that I’m rarely in that main room and always by myself, and not interacting with my coworkers.

I have a feeling that he’s noticed I’m very distant and is worried about me. Combine that with the anxious behaviours my senior and coworkers have seen me displaying. So naturally, he probably asked a few coworkers about me to perhaps check up and see if everything is ok with me. I think my senior also told him about my ‘very anxious’ behaviour as well. I also want to add that one of my coworkers has texted me last week, asking if I’m ok because I didn’t come to work on a particular day. I told him that I’m fine and he’s like our boss wanted to see if everything is ok because he said he wanted to have a chat with you. So, that’s why my boss decided to have a meeting with me a few days later, ask me about how things are going and why ‘I’m not part of a team.’ I think he means well and is just checking on me like what a caring boss would do to his employees.

Also, when I said ‘I don’t want to talk about it’ to him, I never said it to end the conversation. He told me a few people said I’m very anxious and so I immediately became defensive and said that in a vulnerable manner. It was because I felt emotional. I’m going to work on Monday and need advice on how to go from there. I don’t think I’m yet comfortable to sit in the main area with others and would prefer the other individual room. Would it be ok if I remain in the small room by myself? What if he tells me that I need to go to the other main room and I just can’t get myself to do that, what shall I do? What if my other coworkers tell me to join them in the main room? Should I go or do I have the right to work alone by myself in the quite room?

You've gotten tips on how to take some small steps in this direction.

In terms of the Q, it really depends on the job and role. It doesn't seem like they can expect you to work in the main room all day (what would be the point) but does your anxiety prevent you from attending meetings? Like if they say, we're all meeting to discuss XYZ at 2pm, would you say no?

This. Or would you be willing to negotiate that you will take some baby steps and perhaps work in the main room for small amounts of time every day, say maybe 30 minutes to an hour?

It sounds like your boss and colleagues are really willing to work with you. I'm not getting mean or malicious vibes at all from your reenactment of the discussion. It sounds like this is a very collaborative and friendly group. It may be as difficult for them to have you outside of their circle as it is for you to move into the circle.

[Anonymous]

So my new employees that have started since Covid basically don’t talk to anyone. They don’t make an effort to make friends or learn more about different program areas. And so what happens is that anytime they need anything- they ask me to do it for them. Or dont know where to go. It’s driving me crazy. One of our performance categories is “plays well with others” and I’m going to be adding more about interacting with coworkers and understanding our workplace.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you give me some examples where your interactions with coworkers would demonstrate that you are very anxious? I honestly don't know what that would look like. I mean this sincerely. If I asked you "How is Project X going?" or "Hey, did you see there are brownies in the lunch room?" how would you reply?

I’ll answer your questions like this:

1) My project is going fine, just has some issues in x, y, but overall I’m doing ok

2) No, I didn’t see any.

My interactions demonstrate I’m very anxious in the sense that I never make jokes, engage in banter, small talk, etc. I don’t speak about my interests, personal life, hobbies, where I went on weekend, etc, whilst they openly discuss these things with each other. My interactions with my coworkers is strictly work related matters. I don’t initiate any conversations either. I feel uncomfortable eating in front of them. I’m very passive and don’t have a voice. I usually assist them with their tasks, for example like bringing printed papers, stapling them, etc. I frequently seem on edge, my face becomes red, tense, voice so low, etc. I don’t open up easily and keep to myself. I guess a few colleagues picked up on this hence them telling my boss I’m very anxious.

Have you considered this is the wrong work environment for you?

I don’t consider it the wrong environment. I stated previously that it ticks my boxes. The issue is not the workplace but rather my anxiety that affects me and my interactions with others. I keep blaming it on my personal life and the struggles that I’ve encountered because it’s just spilled onto my work life. Also, if I am ‘very anxious’ as described, would I be looked down upon and thought of poorly? Does that mean that my boss and coworkers are better of without me? Am I a hindrance to my team and a burden?

Are you medicated? It sounds as if you are very uncomfortable at work and it is showing. Your boss brought it up either because it is a problem or because they wanted to see if they can help. You say you are working on it. What does that entail? You need to be in regular therapy and on medication.