How to forgive parents when they've never apologized?

[Anonymous]

I let go of needing to find forgiveness. What I developed instead was *understanding*.

I understand the challenges my mom went through in her life. I understand that she had many, many traumatic experiences. I understand that she had too many children at too young of an age due to outside pressures. These all explain her behavior, but they do not excuse it. I have empathy for her, but I also have tremendous empathy for myself and do what is best for me. And what was best was to give her an extremely limited presence in my life, not to seeep everything under the rug in the name of “forgiveness” and continue on as normal.

I also harnessed the power of my anger for good. Anger is a good, healthy emotion. It is our best signal that our boundaries are being violated. I channel that into good: I use that anger as a catalyst for working on myself, and being the best possible mom I can be for my own kids.

[Anonymous]

Forgiveness isn't something you give someone because they apologized. It's something you give yourself -- the freedom to stop carrying around the hurt, the freedom to stop expecting something that's not going to happen, the freedom to use that space in your head for something else. "Forgiveness is giving up hope of having had a different past." It doesn't mean you forget what they did, but you cancel the debt. Stop expecting them to repay you. Spend as much or as little time with them as you want. Let it go and see what you can do with the energy you have now that you'd dropped that load.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Forgiveness has to do with you, not them. They owe you nothing it's up to you to figure out.

probably one of the least helpful responses I've ever seen on here and that's saying a lot. She didn't ask if she SHOULD forgive, she asked HOW to forgive. You don't wake up in the morning, snap your fingers, and make all those feelings go away. Either offer actual advice or move on.

Well, I’m really sorry that you’re so angry T his morning. People so often think that forgiveness is a gift somehow to the other person, and it’s important to clarify that it is not. Before you worry about the how’s of forgiveness, you have to truly understand what forgiveness actually is. It’s actually helpful to see that forgiveness isn’t serving the person you’re angry at, but serves your health and happiness. If you can’t come to that, forgiveness is never going to come, or certainly not easily.

And no, you don’t wake up one morning and snap your fingers, but forgiveness is often very much a conscious decision. The actual action of it can be that quick and decided. You wake up one heir morning and carrying the other person’s burden to you is no longer serving you. You decide to look at your life and the effects of their actions in a different way. You realize that their actions aren’t yours to carry. And you find your way to let that go - therapy, visit your spiritual leader, and yes - a conscious snap of the fingers decision to not feed that side of it any more.

Great response, PP. I was going to respond to the person who posted that but you did a great job and I have nothing to add.

[Anonymous]

I grew up in a dysfunctional home as well: yelling, hitting, emotional neglect, and sexual molestation. Have been in therapy for a while and doing better, but still a bit shaky. I never felt a need to forgive my parents, but did ask my therapist about it. Her answer was that forgiveness is a Christian construct and not needed by everyone to heal. For me, forgiveness or an apology wouldn't change or fix anything.

However, you get to decide what you need, OP. What would an apology give you? What would forgiveness give you? Is there another way to address those needs?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Forgiveness isn't something you give someone because they apologized. It's something you give yourself -- the freedom to stop carrying around the hurt, the freedom to stop expecting something that's not going to happen, the freedom to use that space in your head for something else. "Forgiveness is giving up hope of having had a different past." It doesn't mean you forget what they did, but you cancel the debt. Stop expecting them to repay you. Spend as much or as little time with them as you want. Let it go and see what you can do with the energy you have now that you'd dropped that load.

+1 When you're able to forgive, you lighten your own load. Oprah talks about it as letting go. Here is a link to an Oprah Daily. It has a very strong and salient message for us all. https://www.oprahdaily.com/life/a23900108/oprah-art-of-letting-go/

[Anonymous]

OP, I’m sorry for your childhood. I’m curious what your thoughts are about how you’ll handle it when your parents are old enough to need care. Do they have enough money to cover their needs and pay for a home or in-home care? Are they going to expect you to help them? If it’s the latter, I’d be pretty pissed in your shoes and would not help. Do your siblings have a better relationship with your parents?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I grew up in an exceptionally dysfunctional home with 2 siblings. The dysfunction involved neglect and alcoholism. At 40, I realize my parents have never changed in my lifetime. The only difference is they are getting older. My siblings and I had to fend for ourselves from a young age. Everyone in the family acts like things were normal and that we're not affected by the dysfunction. I have had a few rounds of therapy and have grown, but still feel a need for recompense for what I've been through. They will never acknowledge what they put us through and my siblings won't either. How can I move on and heal without getting an apology from my parents?

One classic aspect of alcoholism in a family is the denial that anything is happening, and the unwritten rule that everyone is supposed to pretend it's not happening and NEVER talk about it. That warped dynamic is one of the reasons alcoholism in a family is so damaging. Don't expect your parents to apologize unless they go to AA.

If I were you, I would not cut off your parents, as some have suggested, unless the damage is ongoing. You're talking about things that happened in the past. Dealing with that is now in your control. Go to a therapist to figure out how this has affected you. Also try to figure out why your parents were the way they were. Try ACOA groups -- they're really helpful.

Your parents are damaged goods, for probably a long list of complaints from their OWN childhoods. But you're still better off with them in your life than not (unless the damage is ongoing).

[Anonymous]

I relate OP. I would love an apology, but doubt it will happen. I just cannot have a deep relationship with my mother. I have to protect myself, keep major boundaries and gray rock.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Forgiveness has to do with you, not them. They owe you nothing it's up to you to figure out.

THIS

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not currently in therapy, but will likely start again. My child is at an age which, I believe, is triggering me and bringing up these feelings. I look at her at this age and remember my life at that age and I think what the actual f*#$!?! You know? I feel fresh anger and I want to yell at my parents and tell them did were terrible. It would blindside them because I'v played the role of peacemaker and dutiful child. As others have mentioned, I can't and don't rely on them for anything and I've established and maintained boundaries without too much pushback. I just really want some justice or revenge or...something.

NP. I just want to say that when my 2 younger kids (I have 3) were the age my younger brother and I were when I first remember abuse, I went into a tailspin. I'd had some counseling about how f@cked up my childhood was, was in a good place with a great DH and had a stable home life. I thought I'd put it all behind me. Then, seeing how my 2 youngest interacted and their relationship, it was so much like my younger brother (who killed himself when he was 21) and I that I was triggered/re-traumatized. I went back to counseling but it really didn't help. It was so very raw and my mother's complicity (my father had been dead for over a decade) in it just flooded me. It was a horrible time for me. I just couldn't understand how someone could do what had been done to us - and do it for years! I couldn't believe that my mother had let that happen. If anyone had done that to my kids even once, I, literally, would kill them.

Luckily, my mother lives 600 miles away and I didn't have to see her. She remarried after my father's death and was tightly wound with her 2nd DH's family. She sensed something was wrong and kept trying to reach out but I just blew her off. I have an older half sister from my father's first marriage and she reached out to me to see what was going on. I was able to talk to her about it and, honestly, that was better than going to a counselor. She, too, had been a victim and knew what I was going through.

That was about 15 years ago and my relationship with my mother has never been the same. I'm able to see her, she even comes to visit now, but I have a wall with her that will never come down. I haven't sought an apology/acknowledgement because it won't make any difference. This is a direct result of her choices. She's lucky we have any kind of relationship.

I just wanted to post to let you know that what you're going through isn't uncommon. Now that you're an adult, you get to make the choices that are best for you. You get to decide if you have a relationship with your parents and, if so, what kind. I'm in a good place again but can never have a 'normal' relationship with my mother. Hugs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not currently in therapy, but will likely start again. My child is at an age which, I believe, is triggering me and bringing up these feelings. I look at her at this age and remember my life at that age and I think what the actual f*#$!?! You know? I feel fresh anger and I want to yell at my parents and tell them did were terrible. It would blindside them because I'v played the role of peacemaker and dutiful child. As others have mentioned, I can't and don't rely on them for anything and I've established and maintained boundaries without too much pushback. I just really want some justice or revenge or...something.

NP. I just want to say that when my 2 younger kids (I have 3) were the age my younger brother and I were when I first remember abuse, I went into a tailspin. I'd had some counseling about how f@cked up my childhood was, was in a good place with a great DH and had a stable home life. I thought I'd put it all behind me. Then, seeing how my 2 youngest interacted and their relationship, it was so much like my younger brother (who killed himself when he was 21) and I that I was triggered/re-traumatized. I went back to counseling but it really didn't help. It was so very raw and my mother's complicity (my father had been dead for over a decade) in it just flooded me. It was a horrible time for me. I just couldn't understand how someone could do what had been done to us - and do it for years! I couldn't believe that my mother had let that happen. If anyone had done that to my kids even once, I, literally, would kill them.

Luckily, my mother lives 600 miles away and I didn't have to see her. She remarried after my father's death and was tightly wound with her 2nd DH's family. She sensed something was wrong and kept trying to reach out but I just blew her off. I have an older half sister from my father's first marriage and she reached out to me to see what was going on. I was able to talk to her about it and, honestly, that was better than going to a counselor. She, too, had been a victim and knew what I was going through.

That was about 15 years ago and my relationship with my mother has never been the same. I'm able to see her, she even comes to visit now, but I have a wall with her that will never come down. I haven't sought an apology/acknowledgement because it won't make any difference. This is a direct result of her choices. She's lucky we have any kind of relationship.

I just wanted to post to let you know that what you're going through isn't uncommon. Now that you're an adult, you get to make the choices that are best for you. You get to decide if you have a relationship with your parents and, if so, what kind. I'm in a good place again but can never have a 'normal' relationship with my mother. Hugs.

Thank you so much for this, pp. I know you understand how I'm feeling and I feel validated in what ai'm experiencing. I feel comforted that these feelings will pass. I've done the work: nearly 15 years combined of competent therapy with 4 different therapists. My childhood was traumatic and I've done so well, all things considered. I just have to ride out this storm until it passes.

[Anonymous]

And I am sorry for the loss of your brother, pp.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I grew up in a dysfunctional home as well: yelling, hitting, emotional neglect, and sexual molestation. Have been in therapy for a while and doing better, but still a bit shaky. I never felt a need to forgive my parents, but did ask my therapist about it. Her answer was that forgiveness is a Christian construct and not needed by everyone to heal. For me, forgiveness or an apology wouldn't change or fix anything.

However, you get to decide what you need, OP. What would an apology give you? What would forgiveness give you? Is there another way to address those needs?

I know that I will never get an apology. I was thinking about forgiveness in terms of lightening the burden I'm currently bearing. The fighter in me wants to go off on them and tell them how terrible they were to my siblings and to me, but I'll never do that. I also will never cut them out completely; although I keep my distance for my own sanity and to protect my dd. I am simply hurting and feeling anger. I know it will pass eventually.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I’m sorry for your childhood. I’m curious what your thoughts are about how you’ll handle it when your parents are old enough to need care. Do they have enough money to cover their needs and pay for a home or in-home care? Are they going to expect you to help them? If it’s the latter, I’d be pretty pissed in your shoes and would not help. Do your siblings have a better relationship with your parents?

My siblings and I pretty much stick to our childhood roles and don't rock the boat, so to speak. They have always needed our help. As kids, we were more like parents than children. They are irresponsible with money and will be up a creek if they should need help in old age. I could see myself contributing money to pay for their care, but not arranging it or participating in it. If I could survive as a child with no support of any type and withstand abuse, neglect and all the fun stuff alcoholism brings, then they, as mature adults, can handle figuring out their old age care.

[Anonymous]

How? I was wising up after years of struggling like you, OP. I realized I have a choice, that I'm in control of my life, that I don't need their approval or their drama in my life. So I went low to no contact to let it heals.

I realized I was wounded by my parents, and I need time away from them to heal. The less interaction with them, aka, constant poking at the wound, would do wonder to my mental health.