How to forgive parents when they've never apologized?

[Anonymous]

I grew up in an exceptionally dysfunctional home with 2 siblings. The dysfunction involved neglect and alcoholism. At 40, I realize my parents have never changed in my lifetime. The only difference is they are getting older. My siblings and I had to fend for ourselves from a young age. Everyone in the family acts like things were normal and that we're not affected by the dysfunction. I have had a few rounds of therapy and have grown, but still feel a need for recompense for what I've been through. They will never acknowledge what they put us through and my siblings won't either. How can I move on and heal without getting an apology from my parents?

[Anonymous]

Just leave them in the past and move on from them. Why choose to stay connected with them? You don’t have to. You can protect yourself now. You can make your own family and friends now. Leave them in the past.

[Anonymous]

I understand where you are coming from OP. They are unlikely ever to apologize. But as an adult, you can control what kind of relationship you want to have with them.

I am still connected to my parents, but I see them for who they are and what they are/are not capable of. I expect very little from them, and I don't live my life in a way that depends on them.

[Anonymous]

Agree with 10:07 -- My stepfather sexually abused my sister and me, and my mother was told about it more than once. Nothing changed until we got old enough to tell him to stop. They stayed married till he died, and I spent very little time around them. I now have a distant, cordial but very, very low expectation relationship with my mother.

Therapy taught me that forgiveness isn't about them, it's about me. I need to let this go or else they will continue to have power over my life.

It's not easy, but it is healing and freeing.

[Anonymous]

You need to make the choice to move on, OP. You cannot force them to be who you want them to be, people who will see that you think they wronged you and that you need them to apologize to you. They can't do that and they won't. You need to recognize that they are people with failings and you need to forgive them for that. Once you do that, you'll be able to move on. Are you still in therapy? Your therapist should be helping you work through this important step.

[Anonymous]

This is a conversation you should be having with a therapist, not an anonymous forum.

[Anonymous]

You don’t get an apology for every transgression ever committed toward you. You choose to move on and let it rest.

[Anonymous]

I'm not currently in therapy, but will likely start again. My child is at an age which, I believe, is triggering me and bringing up these feelings. I look at her at this age and remember my life at that age and I think what the actual f*#$!?! You know? I feel fresh anger and I want to yell at my parents and tell them did were terrible. It would blindside them because I'v played the role of peacemaker and dutiful child. As others have mentioned, I can't and don't rely on them for anything and I've established and maintained boundaries without too much pushback. I just really want some justice or revenge or...something.

[Anonymous]

I know first hand what you're talking about. It's hard stuff. Really, all you can do is 1) realize very few people wake up in the morning and think "what can I do to make my kids miserable today?" Really they're thinking "how can I survive today?" and 2) You can parent yourself and give yourself the love and nurturing you didn't get as a child and deserved and still need and want. I've also found it helpful to journal about it.

Laura Connell has a self-parenting course (and good info on her email list and instagram page) that I found helpful in navigating these kinds of feelings.

[Anonymous]

PP here--meant to add the link in case you want it: https://laurakconnell.com

[Anonymous]

Forgiveness is not for them, it’s for you. Accept that they did the best they could with the tools they had, and that they are their own imperfect beings with their own traumas.

Get some therapy, and build your own tools to deal with the things that they couldn’t. You don’t have to forgive them in the capacity that you pretend your last never happened, but you can move forward knowing you don’t live there any more. Holding on to the anger is just poisoning YOUR happiness, and is it worth that? They don’t feel it, you do.

[Anonymous]

Forgiveness has to do with you, not them. They owe you nothing it's up to you to figure out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Forgiveness has to do with you, not them. They owe you nothing it's up to you to figure out.

probably one of the least helpful responses I've ever seen on here and that's saying a lot. She didn't ask if she SHOULD forgive, she asked HOW to forgive. You don't wake up in the morning, snap your fingers, and make all those feelings go away. Either offer actual advice or move on.

[Anonymous]

Parents never apologize, OP. It's the rare parent that will do that. My grandparents never apologized for their medieval attitudes and neglect towards their daughters. My mother never apologized for her verbal abuse. My friend's mother never apologized for her neglect.

Don't feel obligated to forgive. Just move on with your life, and over time, the wounds will heal and you will forget. Which is nearly as good as forgiving. That's what most of us do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Forgiveness has to do with you, not them. They owe you nothing it's up to you to figure out.

probably one of the least helpful responses I've ever seen on here and that's saying a lot. She didn't ask if she SHOULD forgive, she asked HOW to forgive. You don't wake up in the morning, snap your fingers, and make all those feelings go away. Either offer actual advice or move on.

Well, I’m really sorry that you’re so angry T his morning. People so often think that forgiveness is a gift somehow to the other person, and it’s important to clarify that it is not. Before you worry about the how’s of forgiveness, you have to truly understand what forgiveness actually is. It’s actually helpful to see that forgiveness isn’t serving the person you’re angry at, but serves your health and happiness. If you can’t come to that, forgiveness is never going to come, or certainly not easily.

And no, you don’t wake up one morning and snap your fingers, but forgiveness is often very much a conscious decision. The actual action of it can be that quick and decided. You wake up one heir morning and carrying the other person’s burden to you is no longer serving you. You decide to look at your life and the effects of their actions in a different way. You realize that their actions aren’t yours to carry. And you find your way to let that go - therapy, visit your spiritual leader, and yes - a conscious snap of the fingers decision to not feed that side of it any more.