How to forgive parents when they've never apologized?

[Anonymous]

Please keep aggression and toxicity out of this thread. We are discussing childhood abuse after all.

[Anonymous]

Allow yourself to not care for them in their old age. It’s even easier when you have siblings who probably will. Then cut of contact or be in as much contact as you like. But never make any sacrifices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op - you move on by taking full responsibility for your life now.

Yes. It may be time to reconsider my boundaries. The old ones aren't doing the trick any more.

[Anonymous]

Everyone gets 2 chances to have a happy family:
1 ) the family you are born into
2) the family you create for yourself

Get healthy. Build a family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I let go of needing to find forgiveness. What I developed instead was *understanding*.

I understand the challenges my mom went through in her life. I understand that she had many, many traumatic experiences. I understand that she had too many children at too young of an age due to outside pressures. These all explain her behavior, but they do not excuse it. I have empathy for her, but I also have tremendous empathy for myself and do what is best for me. And what was best was to give her an extremely limited presence in my life, not to seeep everything under the rug in the name of “forgiveness” and continue on as normal.

I also harnessed the power of my anger for good. Anger is a good, healthy emotion. It is our best signal that our boundaries are being violated. I channel that into good: I use that anger as a catalyst for working on myself, and being the best possible mom I can be for my own kids.

To be clear, I understand that they had sh1t lives, too. Where understanding fails me is how could they not only not protect us from others, but how they could neglect and abuse us. Guess what? My childhood was straight sh1t, with no glimmer of hope and *yet* I've never hit the bottle as an adult, nor have I abused or neglected my child. Like another pp, if someone did even one of the things which was done to me to my child, I would actually kill them.

PP, we get it. You're not hearing us.

You can't go back and change the past. You also have no way of changing your parents.

Therefore, if you want to find peace within yourself then you're going to have to make peace with your past and with your flawed parents. Making peace doesn't mean lovey-dovey. Making peace means accepting what happened and moving on. Otherwise you are going to be left with this anger that you are going to pass along to your child. I really hope you don't want that.

So be a bigger, better person and get yourself into therapy, and put this monster to rest. Forgiving your parents or letting go of what they did to you is really the only option you have to make peace with yourself. I hope that you choose to do it.

13:13 here. OP is not in any danger of passing along her anger to her kid?! WTF! I understand you have positive intent but your language can be inflammatory. I suspect you are a Christian or whoever counseled you had that bent as your language, 'making peace', 'accepting', 'be a bigger, better person', 'forgiving', 'letting go', etc. reeks of it. It can be very triggering for some of us, especially since it comes across as diminishing our pain and experiences.

OP is struggling with banking her anger - and that's completely normal. She is not going to pass it on to her child. It's really hard having a scab ripped off, especially when you thought it was a scar. Of course, she's going to reach out to others to see how they recovered from it! What's not helpful is the repetition of platitudes.

Sorry you are still in the thick of it, PP. No reason to mock people who have gotten through that to someplace better. OP is asking for a way to get where they are, not stay where you are.

DP. You need to stop projecting and preaching. It was unreasonable and unfounded for you to assert OP will let her anger impact her child. It's just as unreasonable and unfounded for you to assert the PP isn't in a healthy place. You can be in a healthy place and remain in touch with that anger. I suspect you really have no idea what you're talking about and repeat what you've heard others say. Therapy would benefit you.

Oh - and 'mock' doesn't mean what you think it means.

DP here. And I agree with PP that if you are carrying around anger, it will impact your kids in some ways. It may not be the worst thing that ever happened in their life, but it has an impact. Kids are sponges to everything around them.

Regardless, anger is a demanding emotion. It's generally better for one's mental and physical health to find a way to let it go. Often, that means allowing yourself to fully experience it first (i.e. "Sometimes the only way past is through."). The questions OP is asking suggest to me that there is more letting go that she can do. When I remember how f'ed up the things my parents did are, especially in light of what I could possibly imagine doing to/for my kids, I never cease to be amazed that what I experienced was actual reality. But it doesn't make me angry or hurt per se. I'm safe now. And I have a family I created that loves me. I'm able to interact with them as long as I maintain certain boundaries. This doesn't mean there aren't specific traumatic incidents that I'm still working through...they are there. But I'm much more focused on how those memories and feelings have shaped the person I am today and whether they've led to unhealthy behaviors/reactions...I have accepted that my parents were just not good parents, and questioning why won't change anything. That's just another way in which they are taking from me energy and emotion that I deserve to spend on myself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ll never forgive my mother. But going no contact and the passage of many years have made it easier to not focus on her or the things that happened in the past. That’s what forgiveness is to me-just having it be more remote. If I start thinking about it, I’ll get very wound up.

I’m not sure it can get any more resolved than this, barring some miraculous transformation on her part.

I am going to change one word in your post because this is what needs to happen: I’m not sure it can get any more resolved than this, barring some miraculous transformation on MY part. When YOU change, then your "miraculous transformation" to your life will happen. Not a second before then.

You cannot change your past. You cannot change your mom. You cannot change anything except you. When you change you, then will you be happy. Good luck.

Please stop. This is not helpful to me. I’ve moved on and created my own life apart from my mom. She’s not a focal point. Things go up and down but I don’t need to do anything further

DP (probably the one you ripped early on for not being helpful).

You do need do something further if you truly want to heal. You’re still carrying this around - *for what*? Put it down. What you want, which is a different past, cannot happen. Because something is not a focal point does not mean that it is impacting your life, your health, and your happiness. Like the tiny drip from the faucet that adds up to hundreds of gallons of water- that’s what this does. “Moving on
“ and avoiding it isn’t the solution either if you’re still dragging the same dead horse to beat around every now and then. You’re so angry you can’t even see help and actually reflect on the words that are being posted here. Look at your responses - do you think you don’t respond the same way to things in real life? Is that how you really want to live?

You can therapy yourself all day, every day, but until you choose to actually accept that the course of the rest of your life is solely up to you, and that every day the things you continue us to carry their burdens is also your choice, then you’re gonna just keep on keeping on the same way you are. When you choose to make that change, then that therapy will actually help you build new tools to live life the way you actually want to.

+1 Please listen to this person, OP. Please.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I let go of needing to find forgiveness. What I developed instead was *understanding*.

I understand the challenges my mom went through in her life. I understand that she had many, many traumatic experiences. I understand that she had too many children at too young of an age due to outside pressures. These all explain her behavior, but they do not excuse it. I have empathy for her, but I also have tremendous empathy for myself and do what is best for me. And what was best was to give her an extremely limited presence in my life, not to seeep everything under the rug in the name of “forgiveness” and continue on as normal.

I also harnessed the power of my anger for good. Anger is a good, healthy emotion. It is our best signal that our boundaries are being violated. I channel that into good: I use that anger as a catalyst for working on myself, and being the best possible mom I can be for my own kids.

To be clear, I understand that they had sh1t lives, too. Where understanding fails me is how could they not only not protect us from others, but how they could neglect and abuse us. Guess what? My childhood was straight sh1t, with no glimmer of hope and *yet* I've never hit the bottle as an adult, nor have I abused or neglected my child. Like another pp, if someone did even one of the things which was done to me to my child, I would actually kill them.

PP, we get it. You're not hearing us.

You can't go back and change the past. You also have no way of changing your parents.

Therefore, if you want to find peace within yourself then you're going to have to make peace with your past and with your flawed parents. Making peace doesn't mean lovey-dovey. Making peace means accepting what happened and moving on. Otherwise you are going to be left with this anger that you are going to pass along to your child. I really hope you don't want that.

So be a bigger, better person and get yourself into therapy, and put this monster to rest. Forgiving your parents or letting go of what they did to you is really the only option you have to make peace with yourself. I hope that you choose to do it.

13:13 here. OP is not in any danger of passing along her anger to her kid?! WTF! I understand you have positive intent but your language can be inflammatory. I suspect you are a Christian or whoever counseled you had that bent as your language, 'making peace', 'accepting', 'be a bigger, better person', 'forgiving', 'letting go', etc. reeks of it. It can be very triggering for some of us, especially since it comes across as diminishing our pain and experiences.

OP is struggling with banking her anger - and that's completely normal. She is not going to pass it on to her child. It's really hard having a scab ripped off, especially when you thought it was a scar. Of course, she's going to reach out to others to see how they recovered from it! What's not helpful is the repetition of platitudes.

Sorry you are still in the thick of it, PP. No reason to mock people who have gotten through that to someplace better. OP is asking for a way to get where they are, not stay where you are.

+1

If you two truly endured traumatic childhoods, perhaps you shouldn't be so smug. That sh!t rears its head when you least expect it. You will process and reprocess your pain many times over the course of your life. Try showing some compassion since you claim to have suffered, too.

You are responding to at least two of us and we each have essential the same message. We are showing compassion by telling you that you need to learn to let this go. Your anger and your "sh!t" will eat you alive, making you even more miserable than you already are unless you take steps to let this go. Letting it go (or forgiveness, as it also is said) isn't about your mom or your parents, it is about you and making you feel better. Once you release the burden you're carrying, you'll be much happier and healthier. Promise.

So pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and get back into therapy. You need someone who will teach you the skills of how to release and let go of your anger.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Allow yourself to not care for them in their old age. It’s even easier when you have siblings who probably will. Then cut of contact or be in as much contact as you like. But never make any sacrifices.

Hhhmmmm. Revenge is a two-edged sword and the edge of the sword you get doesn't give as clean of a cut as you think. I have never in all my years of practice met any person who practiced a revenge strategy and came out the better for it. It is better to heal yourself first. After you do that, then you can think about how to proceed.

[Anonymous]

Some of these responses sound like they are written by functional alcoholics who are currently messing up their kids' lives and rationalizing that everything is fine. Like you're defending yourselves 20 years ahead of schedule. Nothing to see here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some of these responses sound like they are written by functional alcoholics who are currently messing up their kids' lives and rationalizing that everything is fine. Like you're defending yourselves 20 years ahead of schedule. Nothing to see here.

I agree! Lots of weirdness on this thread

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some of these responses sound like they are written by functional alcoholics who are currently messing up their kids' lives and rationalizing that everything is fine. Like you're defending yourselves 20 years ahead of schedule. Nothing to see here.

I agree! Lots of weirdness on this thread

+2 and they excuse it because they are saying it with 'compassion'.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I let go of needing to find forgiveness. What I developed instead was *understanding*.

I understand the challenges my mom went through in her life. I understand that she had many, many traumatic experiences. I understand that she had too many children at too young of an age due to outside pressures. These all explain her behavior, but they do not excuse it. I have empathy for her, but I also have tremendous empathy for myself and do what is best for me. And what was best was to give her an extremely limited presence in my life, not to seeep everything under the rug in the name of “forgiveness” and continue on as normal.

I also harnessed the power of my anger for good. Anger is a good, healthy emotion. It is our best signal that our boundaries are being violated. I channel that into good: I use that anger as a catalyst for working on myself, and being the best possible mom I can be for my own kids.

To be clear, I understand that they had sh1t lives, too. Where understanding fails me is how could they not only not protect us from others, but how they could neglect and abuse us. Guess what? My childhood was straight sh1t, with no glimmer of hope and *yet* I've never hit the bottle as an adult, nor have I abused or neglected my child. Like another pp, if someone did even one of the things which was done to me to my child, I would actually kill them.

PP, we get it. You're not hearing us.

You can't go back and change the past. You also have no way of changing your parents.

Therefore, if you want to find peace within yourself then you're going to have to make peace with your past and with your flawed parents. Making peace doesn't mean lovey-dovey. Making peace means accepting what happened and moving on. Otherwise you are going to be left with this anger that you are going to pass along to your child. I really hope you don't want that.

So be a bigger, better person and get yourself into therapy, and put this monster to rest. Forgiving your parents or letting go of what they did to you is really the only option you have to make peace with yourself. I hope that you choose to do it.

13:13 here. OP is not in any danger of passing along her anger to her kid?! WTF! I understand you have positive intent but your language can be inflammatory. I suspect you are a Christian or whoever counseled you had that bent as your language, 'making peace', 'accepting', 'be a bigger, better person', 'forgiving', 'letting go', etc. reeks of it. It can be very triggering for some of us, especially since it comes across as diminishing our pain and experiences.

OP is struggling with banking her anger - and that's completely normal. She is not going to pass it on to her child. It's really hard having a scab ripped off, especially when you thought it was a scar. Of course, she's going to reach out to others to see how they recovered from it! What's not helpful is the repetition of platitudes.

Sorry you are still in the thick of it, PP. No reason to mock people who have gotten through that to someplace better. OP is asking for a way to get where they are, not stay where you are.

DP. You need to stop projecting and preaching. It was unreasonable and unfounded for you to assert OP will let her anger impact her child. It's just as unreasonable and unfounded for you to assert the PP isn't in a healthy place. You can be in a healthy place and remain in touch with that anger. I suspect you really have no idea what you're talking about and repeat what you've heard others say. Therapy would benefit you.

Oh - and 'mock' doesn't mean what you think it means.

Remaining "in touch with anger" is not a sign of health or healing. That's what most people want to get over. And I wasn't the PP who said she was at risk of passing that on to her child, either.

[Anonymous]

Lately I've been thinking about people who don't deserve being parents having children, and those who would make fabulous parents not being able to have them for one reason or another.

OP, your parents fall into the first category. You should've gotten better people to raise you. No advice but so sorry this was your reality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I let go of needing to find forgiveness. What I developed instead was *understanding*.

I understand the challenges my mom went through in her life. I understand that she had many, many traumatic experiences. I understand that she had too many children at too young of an age due to outside pressures. These all explain her behavior, but they do not excuse it. I have empathy for her, but I also have tremendous empathy for myself and do what is best for me. And what was best was to give her an extremely limited presence in my life, not to seeep everything under the rug in the name of “forgiveness” and continue on as normal.

I also harnessed the power of my anger for good. Anger is a good, healthy emotion. It is our best signal that our boundaries are being violated. I channel that into good: I use that anger as a catalyst for working on myself, and being the best possible mom I can be for my own kids.

To be clear, I understand that they had sh1t lives, too. Where understanding fails me is how could they not only not protect us from others, but how they could neglect and abuse us. Guess what? My childhood was straight sh1t, with no glimmer of hope and *yet* I've never hit the bottle as an adult, nor have I abused or neglected my child. Like another pp, if someone did even one of the things which was done to me to my child, I would actually kill them.

PP, we get it. You're not hearing us.

You can't go back and change the past. You also have no way of changing your parents.

Therefore, if you want to find peace within yourself then you're going to have to make peace with your past and with your flawed parents. Making peace doesn't mean lovey-dovey. Making peace means accepting what happened and moving on. Otherwise you are going to be left with this anger that you are going to pass along to your child. I really hope you don't want that.

So be a bigger, better person and get yourself into therapy, and put this monster to rest. Forgiving your parents or letting go of what they did to you is really the only option you have to make peace with yourself. I hope that you choose to do it.

13:13 here. OP is not in any danger of passing along her anger to her kid?! WTF! I understand you have positive intent but your language can be inflammatory. I suspect you are a Christian or whoever counseled you had that bent as your language, 'making peace', 'accepting', 'be a bigger, better person', 'forgiving', 'letting go', etc. reeks of it. It can be very triggering for some of us, especially since it comes across as diminishing our pain and experiences.

OP is struggling with banking her anger - and that's completely normal. She is not going to pass it on to her child. It's really hard having a scab ripped off, especially when you thought it was a scar. Of course, she's going to reach out to others to see how they recovered from it! What's not helpful is the repetition of platitudes.

Sorry you are still in the thick of it, PP. No reason to mock people who have gotten through that to someplace better. OP is asking for a way to get where they are, not stay where you are.

+1

If you two truly endured traumatic childhoods, perhaps you shouldn't be so smug. That sh!t rears its head when you least expect it. You will process and reprocess your pain many times over the course of your life. Try showing some compassion since you claim to have suffered, too.

No shit. The thing you don't get is, healing is real. Healing is ACTUALLY POSSIBLE. You can ACTUALLY be free of consuming anger. Yes, it comes up many times over the course of your life but it does not come up like a raging fire inside of you. It subsides. You will get there. And no, that is not smug. It is my hope for you and for OP.

The only thing I will add is that you can't "let it go" or "move on." That is not realistic or compassionate advice. I don't know why people always say that. I've already given advice up thread and it was shot down so I won't bother sharing how i made my way out of hell, but just know that it is possible.

[Anonymous]

Similar situation with my family. Each time an upsetting memory came to mind, I said I forgive my biological father. At first, I needed to do it frequently and it didn't feel sincere, but after awhile it was true and not something I needed to carry anymore. Also, forgiveness and reconciliation (or healthy boundaries) are two different thing. Forgiving someone doesn't mean you should except abuse or that you need to give them anymore chances. I opted to go no contact over a decade ago, but I don't have the weight of anxiety and anger. Remember whether or not they deserve your forgiveness is irrelevant.. you deserve it.