How to forgive parents when they've never apologized?

[Anonymous]

I don’t get the weird fetishization of forgiveness.

You don’t have to forgive anyone.

Just because you don’t forgive someone, it doesn’t mean you’re consumed with anger or holding onto hatred for them.

There’s a neutral ground where you don’t forgive the person, but also aren’t angry at them anymore. My life just is not about my parents. I don’t hate them, I don’t forgive them, we are just completely separate and it’s in the past. I have my own family now and they have nothing to do with my life now. I don’t wish them ill, I don’t wish them well, I don’t wish them anything either way.

What is so horrible about that?

[Anonymous]

Dr Ramani on YouTube.

Also, you need more therapy. You need to gray rock and ghost completely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Similar situation with my family. Each time an upsetting memory came to mind, I said I forgive my biological father. At first, I needed to do it frequently and it didn't feel sincere, but after awhile it was true and not something I needed to carry anymore. Also, forgiveness and reconciliation (or healthy boundaries) are two different thing. Forgiving someone doesn't mean you should except abuse or that you need to give them anymore chances. I opted to go no contact over a decade ago, but I don't have the weight of anxiety and anger. Remember whether or not they deserve your forgiveness is irrelevant.. you deserve it.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dr Ramani on YouTube.

Also, you need more therapy. You need to gray rock and ghost completely.

Therapy costs time and money, both of which I have invested heavily with good improvement. I want to stand on my own and not replace my non existent nurturing parents with a therapist who is paid to help me. I've had enough therapy. I am in a rough patch, which will pass. If you knew the details of my young life, you'd be amazed that I'm still alive and that I'm a nice, loving person. I have a right to feel angry over what I went through and I understand I won't always feel it as acutely as I did yesterday when I wrote the op. I am thankful to everyone who posted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dr Ramani on YouTube.

Also, you need more therapy. You need to gray rock and ghost completely.

Therapy costs time and money, both of which I have invested heavily with good improvement. I want to stand on my own and not replace my non existent nurturing parents with a therapist who is paid to help me. I've had enough therapy. I am in a rough patch, which will pass. If you knew the details of my young life, you'd be amazed that I'm still alive and that I'm a nice, loving person. I have a right to feel angry over what I went through and I understand I won't always feel it as acutely as I did yesterday when I wrote the op. I am thankful to everyone who posted.

Take each day as it comes and know that what you are currently feeling will pass. Feel the feelings and put words to emotions. Sometimes when we speak words to emotions it helps us move through the pain/anger/sadness/frustration/resentment. It is ok to feel but don't hold on to them longer than necessary. Make a gratitude list of 2-3 things each day. Find a distraction when you are feeling bogged down by your inner emotions. Hang in there. You are not alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dr Ramani on YouTube.

Also, you need more therapy. You need to gray rock and ghost completely.

Therapy costs time and money, both of which I have invested heavily with good improvement. I want to stand on my own and not replace my non existent nurturing parents with a therapist who is paid to help me. I've had enough therapy. I am in a rough patch, which will pass. If you knew the details of my young life, you'd be amazed that I'm still alive and that I'm a nice, loving person. I have a right to feel angry over what I went through and I understand I won't always feel it as acutely as I did yesterday when I wrote the op. I am thankful to everyone who posted.

Take each day as it comes and know that what you are currently feeling will pass. Feel the feelings and put words to emotions. Sometimes when we speak words to emotions it helps us move through the pain/anger/sadness/frustration/resentment. It is ok to feel but don't hold on to them longer than necessary. Make a gratitude list of 2-3 things each day. Find a distraction when you are feeling bogged down by your inner emotions. Hang in there. You are not alone.

Thank you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I let go of needing to find forgiveness. What I developed instead was *understanding*.

I understand the challenges my mom went through in her life. I understand that she had many, many traumatic experiences. I understand that she had too many children at too young of an age due to outside pressures. These all explain her behavior, but they do not excuse it. I have empathy for her, but I also have tremendous empathy for myself and do what is best for me. And what was best was to give her an extremely limited presence in my life, not to seeep everything under the rug in the name of “forgiveness” and continue on as normal.

I also harnessed the power of my anger for good. Anger is a good, healthy emotion. It is our best signal that our boundaries are being violated. I channel that into good: I use that anger as a catalyst for working on myself, and being the best possible mom I can be for my own kids.

To be clear, I understand that they had sh1t lives, too. Where understanding fails me is how could they not only not protect us from others, but how they could neglect and abuse us. Guess what? My childhood was straight sh1t, with no glimmer of hope and *yet* I've never hit the bottle as an adult, nor have I abused or neglected my child. Like another pp, if someone did even one of the things which was done to me to my child, I would actually kill them.

PP, we get it. You're not hearing us.

You can't go back and change the past. You also have no way of changing your parents.

Therefore, if you want to find peace within yourself then you're going to have to make peace with your past and with your flawed parents. Making peace doesn't mean lovey-dovey. Making peace means accepting what happened and moving on. Otherwise you are going to be left with this anger that you are going to pass along to your child. I really hope you don't want that.

So be a bigger, better person and get yourself into therapy, and put this monster to rest. Forgiving your parents or letting go of what they did to you is really the only option you have to make peace with yourself. I hope that you choose to do it.

13:13 here. OP is not in any danger of passing along her anger to her kid?! WTF! I understand you have positive intent but your language can be inflammatory. I suspect you are a Christian or whoever counseled you had that bent as your language, 'making peace', 'accepting', 'be a bigger, better person', 'forgiving', 'letting go', etc. reeks of it. It can be very triggering for some of us, especially since it comes across as diminishing our pain and experiences.

OP is struggling with banking her anger - and that's completely normal. She is not going to pass it on to her child. It's really hard having a scab ripped off, especially when you thought it was a scar. Of course, she's going to reach out to others to see how they recovered from it! What's not helpful is the repetition of platitudes.

Sorry you are still in the thick of it, PP. No reason to mock people who have gotten through that to someplace better. OP is asking for a way to get where they are, not stay where you are.

DP. You need to stop projecting and preaching. It was unreasonable and unfounded for you to assert OP will let her anger impact her child. It's just as unreasonable and unfounded for you to assert the PP isn't in a healthy place. You can be in a healthy place and remain in touch with that anger. I suspect you really have no idea what you're talking about and repeat what you've heard others say. Therapy would benefit you.

Oh - and 'mock' doesn't mean what you think it means.

Remaining "in touch with anger" is not a sign of health or healing. That's what most people want to get over. And I wasn't the PP who said she was at risk of passing that on to her child, either.

I don't know why you think every one has to manage their emotions the same way in order to be healthy and healing. Remaining in touch with your anger may not be healthy/sign of healing for you but it's been really helpful to me. It provides me strength and motivation to do better than my parents and to persevere when I'm struggling. I'm not irrational, nor overly emotional with it nor do I lash out. It works for me and my therapists (various individual and relationship counselors) have indicated it's healthy and appropriate. Anger is neither good nor bad. It's what you do with it and how it makes you feel - just like any emotion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I let go of needing to find forgiveness. What I developed instead was *understanding*.

I understand the challenges my mom went through in her life. I understand that she had many, many traumatic experiences. I understand that she had too many children at too young of an age due to outside pressures. These all explain her behavior, but they do not excuse it. I have empathy for her, but I also have tremendous empathy for myself and do what is best for me. And what was best was to give her an extremely limited presence in my life, not to seeep everything under the rug in the name of “forgiveness” and continue on as normal.

I also harnessed the power of my anger for good. Anger is a good, healthy emotion. It is our best signal that our boundaries are being violated. I channel that into good: I use that anger as a catalyst for working on myself, and being the best possible mom I can be for my own kids.

To be clear, I understand that they had sh1t lives, too. Where understanding fails me is how could they not only not protect us from others, but how they could neglect and abuse us. Guess what? My childhood was straight sh1t, with no glimmer of hope and *yet* I've never hit the bottle as an adult, nor have I abused or neglected my child. Like another pp, if someone did even one of the things which was done to me to my child, I would actually kill them.

PP, we get it. You're not hearing us.

You can't go back and change the past. You also have no way of changing your parents.

Therefore, if you want to find peace within yourself then you're going to have to make peace with your past and with your flawed parents. Making peace doesn't mean lovey-dovey. Making peace means accepting what happened and moving on. Otherwise you are going to be left with this anger that you are going to pass along to your child. I really hope you don't want that.

So be a bigger, better person and get yourself into therapy, and put this monster to rest. Forgiving your parents or letting go of what they did to you is really the only option you have to make peace with yourself. I hope that you choose to do it.

13:13 here. OP is not in any danger of passing along her anger to her kid?! WTF! I understand you have positive intent but your language can be inflammatory. I suspect you are a Christian or whoever counseled you had that bent as your language, 'making peace', 'accepting', 'be a bigger, better person', 'forgiving', 'letting go', etc. reeks of it. It can be very triggering for some of us, especially since it comes across as diminishing our pain and experiences.

OP is struggling with banking her anger - and that's completely normal. She is not going to pass it on to her child. It's really hard having a scab ripped off, especially when you thought it was a scar. Of course, she's going to reach out to others to see how they recovered from it! What's not helpful is the repetition of platitudes.

Sorry you are still in the thick of it, PP. No reason to mock people who have gotten through that to someplace better. OP is asking for a way to get where they are, not stay where you are.

DP. You need to stop projecting and preaching. It was unreasonable and unfounded for you to assert OP will let her anger impact her child. It's just as unreasonable and unfounded for you to assert the PP isn't in a healthy place. You can be in a healthy place and remain in touch with that anger. I suspect you really have no idea what you're talking about and repeat what you've heard others say. Therapy would benefit you.

Oh - and 'mock' doesn't mean what you think it means.

Remaining "in touch with anger" is not a sign of health or healing. That's what most people want to get over. And I wasn't the PP who said she was at risk of passing that on to her child, either.

I don't know why you think every one has to manage their emotions the same way in order to be healthy and healing. Remaining in touch with your anger may not be healthy/sign of healing for you but it's been really helpful to me. It provides me strength and motivation to do better than my parents and to persevere when I'm struggling. I'm not irrational, nor overly emotional with it nor do I lash out. It works for me and my therapists (various individual and relationship counselors) have indicated it's healthy and appropriate. Anger is neither good nor bad. It's what you do with it and how it makes you feel - just like any emotion.

DP. Anger is fine. Repressing anger is not the same as not being angry, AND probably more damaging than just experiencing and expressing that anger in a healthy manner. Resentment is the deeper problem, and it’s not the same as just anger. There’s a reason it factors so heavily in any 12 part program.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dr Ramani on YouTube.

Also, you need more therapy. You need to gray rock and ghost completely.

Therapy costs time and money, both of which I have invested heavily with good improvement. I want to stand on my own and not replace my non existent nurturing parents with a therapist who is paid to help me. I've had enough therapy. I am in a rough patch, which will pass. If you knew the details of my young life, you'd be amazed that I'm still alive and that I'm a nice, loving person. I have a right to feel angry over what I went through and I understand I won't always feel it as acutely as I did yesterday when I wrote the op. I am thankful to everyone who posted.

I’m glad you’ve come a long way. Please understand that you are not alone or unique in having a horrific childhood, and that people posting here have quite possibly been in your shoes. I’m not about to get into some kind of suffering competition with you.

You don’t need lifelong therapy, you just need the right therapy, and the right tools. As has been stated here, you can therapy all day, every day and not get the results you want and need. That’s why PP said you need more therapy. The choice to hold on to this because you “have the right to” is the kind of thinking that therapy might help you with. You don’t live there anymore. You deserve to not look back.

[Anonymous]

https://www.facebook.com/watch/?v=5083941981670180

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dr Ramani on YouTube.

Also, you need more therapy. You need to gray rock and ghost completely.

Therapy costs time and money, both of which I have invested heavily with good improvement. I want to stand on my own and not replace my non existent nurturing parents with a therapist who is paid to help me. I've had enough therapy. I am in a rough patch, which will pass. If you knew the details of my young life, you'd be amazed that I'm still alive and that I'm a nice, loving person. I have a right to feel angry over what I went through and I understand I won't always feel it as acutely as I did yesterday when I wrote the op. I am thankful to everyone who posted.

I’m glad you’ve come a long way. Please understand that you are not alone or unique in having a horrific childhood, and that people posting here have quite possibly been in your shoes. I’m not about to get into some kind of suffering competition with you.

You don’t need lifelong therapy, you just need the right therapy, and the right tools. As has been stated here, you can therapy all day, every day and not get the results you want and need. That’s why PP said you need more therapy. The choice to hold on to this because you “have the right to” is the kind of thinking that therapy might help you with. You don’t live there anymore. You deserve to not look back.

I appreciate the advice, but you don't know me or the quality of the therapy I have received. I am currently having a bad period of time. I am not lashing out or acting weird around my family. I understand from many of the responses that pps have suffered, too, as children. I'm not competing with anyone. Childhood is precious and many of us were deprived of peace, safety, comfort, etc. As a pp put it, my anger reminds me how wrong my parents were and it pushes me and strengthens me to protect my child and protect her in her youth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I let go of needing to find forgiveness. What I developed instead was *understanding*.

I understand the challenges my mom went through in her life. I understand that she had many, many traumatic experiences. I understand that she had too many children at too young of an age due to outside pressures. These all explain her behavior, but they do not excuse it. I have empathy for her, but I also have tremendous empathy for myself and do what is best for me. And what was best was to give her an extremely limited presence in my life, not to seeep everything under the rug in the name of “forgiveness” and continue on as normal.

I also harnessed the power of my anger for good. Anger is a good, healthy emotion. It is our best signal that our boundaries are being violated. I channel that into good: I use that anger as a catalyst for working on myself, and being the best possible mom I can be for my own kids.

To be clear, I understand that they had sh1t lives, too. Where understanding fails me is how could they not only not protect us from others, but how they could neglect and abuse us. Guess what? My childhood was straight sh1t, with no glimmer of hope and *yet* I've never hit the bottle as an adult, nor have I abused or neglected my child. Like another pp, if someone did even one of the things which was done to me to my child, I would actually kill them.

PP, we get it. You're not hearing us.

You can't go back and change the past. You also have no way of changing your parents.

Therefore, if you want to find peace within yourself then you're going to have to make peace with your past and with your flawed parents. Making peace doesn't mean lovey-dovey. Making peace means accepting what happened and moving on. Otherwise you are going to be left with this anger that you are going to pass along to your child. I really hope you don't want that.

So be a bigger, better person and get yourself into therapy, and put this monster to rest. Forgiving your parents or letting go of what they did to you is really the only option you have to make peace with yourself. I hope that you choose to do it.

13:13 here. OP is not in any danger of passing along her anger to her kid?! WTF! I understand you have positive intent but your language can be inflammatory. I suspect you are a Christian or whoever counseled you had that bent as your language, 'making peace', 'accepting', 'be a bigger, better person', 'forgiving', 'letting go', etc. reeks of it. It can be very triggering for some of us, especially since it comes across as diminishing our pain and experiences.

OP is struggling with banking her anger - and that's completely normal. She is not going to pass it on to her child. It's really hard having a scab ripped off, especially when you thought it was a scar. Of course, she's going to reach out to others to see how they recovered from it! What's not helpful is the repetition of platitudes.

Sorry you are still in the thick of it, PP. No reason to mock people who have gotten through that to someplace better. OP is asking for a way to get where they are, not stay where you are.

DP. You need to stop projecting and preaching. It was unreasonable and unfounded for you to assert OP will let her anger impact her child. It's just as unreasonable and unfounded for you to assert the PP isn't in a healthy place. You can be in a healthy place and remain in touch with that anger. I suspect you really have no idea what you're talking about and repeat what you've heard others say. Therapy would benefit you.

Oh - and 'mock' doesn't mean what you think it means.

Remaining "in touch with anger" is not a sign of health or healing. That's what most people want to get over. And I wasn't the PP who said she was at risk of passing that on to her child, either.

I don't know why you think every one has to manage their emotions the same way in order to be healthy and healing. Remaining in touch with your anger may not be healthy/sign of healing for you but it's been really helpful to me. It provides me strength and motivation to do better than my parents and to persevere when I'm struggling. I'm not irrational, nor overly emotional with it nor do I lash out. It works for me and my therapists (various individual and relationship counselors) have indicated it's healthy and appropriate. Anger is neither good nor bad. It's what you do with it and how it makes you feel - just like any emotion.

DP. Anger is fine. Repressing anger is not the same as not being angry, AND probably more damaging than just experiencing and expressing that anger in a healthy manner. Resentment is the deeper problem, and it’s not the same as just anger. There’s a reason it factors so heavily in any 12 part program.

<sigh> Twelve step programs don't work for everyone, particularly people who do not believe in a higher power. While it's great that it worked for you, repeatedly pushing that philosophy on others is not great.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I let go of needing to find forgiveness. What I developed instead was *understanding*.

I understand the challenges my mom went through in her life. I understand that she had many, many traumatic experiences. I understand that she had too many children at too young of an age due to outside pressures. These all explain her behavior, but they do not excuse it. I have empathy for her, but I also have tremendous empathy for myself and do what is best for me. And what was best was to give her an extremely limited presence in my life, not to seeep everything under the rug in the name of “forgiveness” and continue on as normal.

I also harnessed the power of my anger for good. Anger is a good, healthy emotion. It is our best signal that our boundaries are being violated. I channel that into good: I use that anger as a catalyst for working on myself, and being the best possible mom I can be for my own kids.

To be clear, I understand that they had sh1t lives, too. Where understanding fails me is how could they not only not protect us from others, but how they could neglect and abuse us. Guess what? My childhood was straight sh1t, with no glimmer of hope and *yet* I've never hit the bottle as an adult, nor have I abused or neglected my child. Like another pp, if someone did even one of the things which was done to me to my child, I would actually kill them.

PP, we get it. You're not hearing us.

You can't go back and change the past. You also have no way of changing your parents.

Therefore, if you want to find peace within yourself then you're going to have to make peace with your past and with your flawed parents. Making peace doesn't mean lovey-dovey. Making peace means accepting what happened and moving on. Otherwise you are going to be left with this anger that you are going to pass along to your child. I really hope you don't want that.

So be a bigger, better person and get yourself into therapy, and put this monster to rest. Forgiving your parents or letting go of what they did to you is really the only option you have to make peace with yourself. I hope that you choose to do it.

13:13 here. OP is not in any danger of passing along her anger to her kid?! WTF! I understand you have positive intent but your language can be inflammatory. I suspect you are a Christian or whoever counseled you had that bent as your language, 'making peace', 'accepting', 'be a bigger, better person', 'forgiving', 'letting go', etc. reeks of it. It can be very triggering for some of us, especially since it comes across as diminishing our pain and experiences.

OP is struggling with banking her anger - and that's completely normal. She is not going to pass it on to her child. It's really hard having a scab ripped off, especially when you thought it was a scar. Of course, she's going to reach out to others to see how they recovered from it! What's not helpful is the repetition of platitudes.

Sorry you are still in the thick of it, PP. No reason to mock people who have gotten through that to someplace better. OP is asking for a way to get where they are, not stay where you are.

DP. You need to stop projecting and preaching. It was unreasonable and unfounded for you to assert OP will let her anger impact her child. It's just as unreasonable and unfounded for you to assert the PP isn't in a healthy place. You can be in a healthy place and remain in touch with that anger. I suspect you really have no idea what you're talking about and repeat what you've heard others say. Therapy would benefit you.

Oh - and 'mock' doesn't mean what you think it means.

Remaining "in touch with anger" is not a sign of health or healing. That's what most people want to get over. And I wasn't the PP who said she was at risk of passing that on to her child, either.

I don't know why you think every one has to manage their emotions the same way in order to be healthy and healing. Remaining in touch with your anger may not be healthy/sign of healing for you but it's been really helpful to me. It provides me strength and motivation to do better than my parents and to persevere when I'm struggling. I'm not irrational, nor overly emotional with it nor do I lash out. It works for me and my therapists (various individual and relationship counselors) have indicated it's healthy and appropriate. Anger is neither good nor bad. It's what you do with it and how it makes you feel - just like any emotion.

DP. Anger is fine. Repressing anger is not the same as not being angry, AND probably more damaging than just experiencing and expressing that anger in a healthy manner. Resentment is the deeper problem, and it’s not the same as just anger. There’s a reason it factors so heavily in any 12 part program.

<sigh> Twelve step programs don't work for everyone, particularly people who do not believe in a higher power. While it's great that it worked for you, repeatedly pushing that philosophy on others is not great.

No one is pushing on here, least of all me. Do you realize you are snapping at multiple posters?


And as far as a higher power, sometimes that’s exactly what people need. Others don’t, so there are secular programs, but you don’t want to know about those. I also didn’t suggest one for you. I just said that dealing with resentments are a huge part of 12 step programs for a reason. Those programs have helped people with all kinds of addictions and mental illnesses.

By all means, though, take your anger and hold it tight as it seems to be a comfort and badge of honour to you. I’m glad it is serving you so well. May you find the healing you’re seeking while getting to keep it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I let go of needing to find forgiveness. What I developed instead was *understanding*.

I understand the challenges my mom went through in her life. I understand that she had many, many traumatic experiences. I understand that she had too many children at too young of an age due to outside pressures. These all explain her behavior, but they do not excuse it. I have empathy for her, but I also have tremendous empathy for myself and do what is best for me. And what was best was to give her an extremely limited presence in my life, not to seeep everything under the rug in the name of “forgiveness” and continue on as normal.

I also harnessed the power of my anger for good. Anger is a good, healthy emotion. It is our best signal that our boundaries are being violated. I channel that into good: I use that anger as a catalyst for working on myself, and being the best possible mom I can be for my own kids.

To be clear, I understand that they had sh1t lives, too. Where understanding fails me is how could they not only not protect us from others, but how they could neglect and abuse us. Guess what? My childhood was straight sh1t, with no glimmer of hope and *yet* I've never hit the bottle as an adult, nor have I abused or neglected my child. Like another pp, if someone did even one of the things which was done to me to my child, I would actually kill them.

PP, we get it. You're not hearing us.

You can't go back and change the past. You also have no way of changing your parents.

Therefore, if you want to find peace within yourself then you're going to have to make peace with your past and with your flawed parents. Making peace doesn't mean lovey-dovey. Making peace means accepting what happened and moving on. Otherwise you are going to be left with this anger that you are going to pass along to your child. I really hope you don't want that.

So be a bigger, better person and get yourself into therapy, and put this monster to rest. Forgiving your parents or letting go of what they did to you is really the only option you have to make peace with yourself. I hope that you choose to do it.

13:13 here. OP is not in any danger of passing along her anger to her kid?! WTF! I understand you have positive intent but your language can be inflammatory. I suspect you are a Christian or whoever counseled you had that bent as your language, 'making peace', 'accepting', 'be a bigger, better person', 'forgiving', 'letting go', etc. reeks of it. It can be very triggering for some of us, especially since it comes across as diminishing our pain and experiences.

OP is struggling with banking her anger - and that's completely normal. She is not going to pass it on to her child. It's really hard having a scab ripped off, especially when you thought it was a scar. Of course, she's going to reach out to others to see how they recovered from it! What's not helpful is the repetition of platitudes.

Sorry you are still in the thick of it, PP. No reason to mock people who have gotten through that to someplace better. OP is asking for a way to get where they are, not stay where you are.

DP. You need to stop projecting and preaching. It was unreasonable and unfounded for you to assert OP will let her anger impact her child. It's just as unreasonable and unfounded for you to assert the PP isn't in a healthy place. You can be in a healthy place and remain in touch with that anger. I suspect you really have no idea what you're talking about and repeat what you've heard others say. Therapy would benefit you.

Oh - and 'mock' doesn't mean what you think it means.

Remaining "in touch with anger" is not a sign of health or healing. That's what most people want to get over. And I wasn't the PP who said she was at risk of passing that on to her child, either.

I don't know why you think every one has to manage their emotions the same way in order to be healthy and healing. Remaining in touch with your anger may not be healthy/sign of healing for you but it's been really helpful to me. It provides me strength and motivation to do better than my parents and to persevere when I'm struggling. I'm not irrational, nor overly emotional with it nor do I lash out. It works for me and my therapists (various individual and relationship counselors) have indicated it's healthy and appropriate. Anger is neither good nor bad. It's what you do with it and how it makes you feel - just like any emotion.

DP. Anger is fine. Repressing anger is not the same as not being angry, AND probably more damaging than just experiencing and expressing that anger in a healthy manner. Resentment is the deeper problem, and it’s not the same as just anger. There’s a reason it factors so heavily in any 12 part program.

<sigh> Twelve step programs don't work for everyone, particularly people who do not believe in a higher power. While it's great that it worked for you, repeatedly pushing that philosophy on others is not great.

No one is pushing on here, least of all me. Do you realize you are snapping at multiple posters?


And as far as a higher power, sometimes that’s exactly what people need. Others don’t, so there are secular programs, but you don’t want to know about those. I also didn’t suggest one for you. I just said that dealing with resentments are a huge part of 12 step programs for a reason. Those programs have helped people with all kinds of addictions and mental illnesses.

By all means, though, take your anger and hold it tight as it seems to be a comfort and badge of honour to you. I’m glad it is serving you so well. May you find the healing you’re seeking while getting to keep it.

Dp. Some of us were raised and abused in authoritarian homes, where religion and God were used to keep us in line. I was told it was "God's will" that I was hungry, poor and struggling to learn at 7! years old. I can't remember the first time I heard it, but I grew up thinking God was a real ahole for what he was putting me through. I no longer believe in anything except self determination. Indignation and, yes, righteous anger fuel my success in life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I grew up in an exceptionally dysfunctional home with 2 siblings. The dysfunction involved neglect and alcoholism. At 40, I realize my parents have never changed in my lifetime. The only difference is they are getting older. My siblings and I had to fend for ourselves from a young age. Everyone in the family acts like things were normal and that we're not affected by the dysfunction. I have had a few rounds of therapy and have grown, but still feel a need for recompense for what I've been through. They will never acknowledge what they put us through and my siblings won't either. How can I move on and heal without getting an apology from my parents?

What do you think that your obsessing about your childhood at 40 years of age will do to your children?! Here's a news flash! Just about every person on this earth had imperfect parents.