How to forgive parents when they've never apologized?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I let go of needing to find forgiveness. What I developed instead was *understanding*.

I understand the challenges my mom went through in her life. I understand that she had many, many traumatic experiences. I understand that she had too many children at too young of an age due to outside pressures. These all explain her behavior, but they do not excuse it. I have empathy for her, but I also have tremendous empathy for myself and do what is best for me. And what was best was to give her an extremely limited presence in my life, not to seeep everything under the rug in the name of “forgiveness” and continue on as normal.

I also harnessed the power of my anger for good. Anger is a good, healthy emotion. It is our best signal that our boundaries are being violated. I channel that into good: I use that anger as a catalyst for working on myself, and being the best possible mom I can be for my own kids.

To be clear, I understand that they had sh1t lives, too. Where understanding fails me is how could they not only not protect us from others, but how they could neglect and abuse us. Guess what? My childhood was straight sh1t, with no glimmer of hope and *yet* I've never hit the bottle as an adult, nor have I abused or neglected my child. Like another pp, if someone did even one of the things which was done to me to my child, I would actually kill them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I let go of needing to find forgiveness. What I developed instead was *understanding*.

I understand the challenges my mom went through in her life. I understand that she had many, many traumatic experiences. I understand that she had too many children at too young of an age due to outside pressures. These all explain her behavior, but they do not excuse it. I have empathy for her, but I also have tremendous empathy for myself and do what is best for me. And what was best was to give her an extremely limited presence in my life, not to seeep everything under the rug in the name of “forgiveness” and continue on as normal.

I also harnessed the power of my anger for good. Anger is a good, healthy emotion. It is our best signal that our boundaries are being violated. I channel that into good: I use that anger as a catalyst for working on myself, and being the best possible mom I can be for my own kids.

To be clear, I understand that they had sh1t lives, too. Where understanding fails me is how could they not only not protect us from others, but how they could neglect and abuse us. Guess what? My childhood was straight sh1t, with no glimmer of hope and *yet* I've never hit the bottle as an adult, nor have I abused or neglected my child. Like another pp, if someone did even one of the things which was done to me to my child, I would actually kill them.

PP, we get it. You're not hearing us.

You can't go back and change the past. You also have no way of changing your parents.

Therefore, if you want to find peace within yourself then you're going to have to make peace with your past and with your flawed parents. Making peace doesn't mean lovey-dovey. Making peace means accepting what happened and moving on. Otherwise you are going to be left with this anger that you are going to pass along to your child. I really hope you don't want that.

So be a bigger, better person and get yourself into therapy, and put this monster to rest. Forgiving your parents or letting go of what they did to you is really the only option you have to make peace with yourself. I hope that you choose to do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I let go of needing to find forgiveness. What I developed instead was *understanding*.

I understand the challenges my mom went through in her life. I understand that she had many, many traumatic experiences. I understand that she had too many children at too young of an age due to outside pressures. These all explain her behavior, but they do not excuse it. I have empathy for her, but I also have tremendous empathy for myself and do what is best for me. And what was best was to give her an extremely limited presence in my life, not to seeep everything under the rug in the name of “forgiveness” and continue on as normal.

I also harnessed the power of my anger for good. Anger is a good, healthy emotion. It is our best signal that our boundaries are being violated. I channel that into good: I use that anger as a catalyst for working on myself, and being the best possible mom I can be for my own kids.

To be clear, I understand that they had sh1t lives, too. Where understanding fails me is how could they not only not protect us from others, but how they could neglect and abuse us. Guess what? My childhood was straight sh1t, with no glimmer of hope and *yet* I've never hit the bottle as an adult, nor have I abused or neglected my child. Like another pp, if someone did even one of the things which was done to me to my child, I would actually kill them.

PP, we get it. You're not hearing us.

You can't go back and change the past. You also have no way of changing your parents.

Therefore, if you want to find peace within yourself then you're going to have to make peace with your past and with your flawed parents. Making peace doesn't mean lovey-dovey. Making peace means accepting what happened and moving on. Otherwise you are going to be left with this anger that you are going to pass along to your child. I really hope you don't want that.

So be a bigger, better person and get yourself into therapy, and put this monster to rest. Forgiving your parents or letting go of what they did to you is really the only option you have to make peace with yourself. I hope that you choose to do it.

13:13 here. OP is not in any danger of passing along her anger to her kid?! WTF! I understand you have positive intent but your language can be inflammatory. I suspect you are a Christian or whoever counseled you had that bent as your language, 'making peace', 'accepting', 'be a bigger, better person', 'forgiving', 'letting go', etc. reeks of it. It can be very triggering for some of us, especially since it comes across as diminishing our pain and experiences.

OP is struggling with banking her anger - and that's completely normal. She is not going to pass it on to her child. It's really hard having a scab ripped off, especially when you thought it was a scar. Of course, she's going to reach out to others to see how they recovered from it! What's not helpful is the repetition of platitudes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I let go of needing to find forgiveness. What I developed instead was *understanding*.

I understand the challenges my mom went through in her life. I understand that she had many, many traumatic experiences. I understand that she had too many children at too young of an age due to outside pressures. These all explain her behavior, but they do not excuse it. I have empathy for her, but I also have tremendous empathy for myself and do what is best for me. And what was best was to give her an extremely limited presence in my life, not to seeep everything under the rug in the name of “forgiveness” and continue on as normal.

I also harnessed the power of my anger for good. Anger is a good, healthy emotion. It is our best signal that our boundaries are being violated. I channel that into good: I use that anger as a catalyst for working on myself, and being the best possible mom I can be for my own kids.

To be clear, I understand that they had sh1t lives, too. Where understanding fails me is how could they not only not protect us from others, but how they could neglect and abuse us. Guess what? My childhood was straight sh1t, with no glimmer of hope and *yet* I've never hit the bottle as an adult, nor have I abused or neglected my child. Like another pp, if someone did even one of the things which was done to me to my child, I would actually kill them.

PP, we get it. You're not hearing us.

You can't go back and change the past. You also have no way of changing your parents.

Therefore, if you want to find peace within yourself then you're going to have to make peace with your past and with your flawed parents. Making peace doesn't mean lovey-dovey. Making peace means accepting what happened and moving on. Otherwise you are going to be left with this anger that you are going to pass along to your child. I really hope you don't want that.

So be a bigger, better person and get yourself into therapy, and put this monster to rest. Forgiving your parents or letting go of what they did to you is really the only option you have to make peace with yourself. I hope that you choose to do it.

13:13 here. OP is not in any danger of passing along her anger to her kid?! WTF! I understand you have positive intent but your language can be inflammatory. I suspect you are a Christian or whoever counseled you had that bent as your language, 'making peace', 'accepting', 'be a bigger, better person', 'forgiving', 'letting go', etc. reeks of it. It can be very triggering for some of us, especially since it comes across as diminishing our pain and experiences.

OP is struggling with banking her anger - and that's completely normal. She is not going to pass it on to her child. It's really hard having a scab ripped off, especially when you thought it was a scar. Of course, she's going to reach out to others to see how they recovered from it! What's not helpful is the repetition of platitudes.

Sorry you are still in the thick of it, PP. No reason to mock people who have gotten through that to someplace better. OP is asking for a way to get where they are, not stay where you are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I let go of needing to find forgiveness. What I developed instead was *understanding*.

I understand the challenges my mom went through in her life. I understand that she had many, many traumatic experiences. I understand that she had too many children at too young of an age due to outside pressures. These all explain her behavior, but they do not excuse it. I have empathy for her, but I also have tremendous empathy for myself and do what is best for me. And what was best was to give her an extremely limited presence in my life, not to seeep everything under the rug in the name of “forgiveness” and continue on as normal.

I also harnessed the power of my anger for good. Anger is a good, healthy emotion. It is our best signal that our boundaries are being violated. I channel that into good: I use that anger as a catalyst for working on myself, and being the best possible mom I can be for my own kids.

To be clear, I understand that they had sh1t lives, too. Where understanding fails me is how could they not only not protect us from others, but how they could neglect and abuse us. Guess what? My childhood was straight sh1t, with no glimmer of hope and *yet* I've never hit the bottle as an adult, nor have I abused or neglected my child. Like another pp, if someone did even one of the things which was done to me to my child, I would actually kill them.

PP. To clarify - I haven't spoken to my mom in 3 years. I don't forgive her, because in my mind, forgiveness means some form of "it's okay you did those things". When it wasn't okay at all.

BUT I understand that she went through some serious sh!t in a time where mental health services just weren't available and were frowned upon. I was very lucky that my generation encourages mental health treatment and healing. Her generation and family look down on it as weakness. I also understand that in reality, my mom just isn't smart and can't understand the impact her actions had.

It's a grieving process. I was angry for a very, very long time. But understanding the reality of generational trauma, addiction, etc and how difficult it is to overcome helped me a lot.

[Anonymous]

I’ll never forgive my mother. But going no contact and the passage of many years have made it easier to not focus on her or the things that happened in the past. That’s what forgiveness is to me-just having it be more remote. If I start thinking about it, I’ll get very wound up.

I’m not sure it can get any more resolved than this, barring some miraculous transformation on her part.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ll never forgive my mother. But going no contact and the passage of many years have made it easier to not focus on her or the things that happened in the past. That’s what forgiveness is to me-just having it be more remote. If I start thinking about it, I’ll get very wound up.

I’m not sure it can get any more resolved than this, barring some miraculous transformation on her part.

I am going to change one word in your post because this is what needs to happen: I’m not sure it can get any more resolved than this, barring some miraculous transformation on MY part. When YOU change, then your "miraculous transformation" to your life will happen. Not a second before then.

You cannot change your past. You cannot change your mom. You cannot change anything except you. When you change you, then will you be happy. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I let go of needing to find forgiveness. What I developed instead was *understanding*.

I understand the challenges my mom went through in her life. I understand that she had many, many traumatic experiences. I understand that she had too many children at too young of an age due to outside pressures. These all explain her behavior, but they do not excuse it. I have empathy for her, but I also have tremendous empathy for myself and do what is best for me. And what was best was to give her an extremely limited presence in my life, not to seeep everything under the rug in the name of “forgiveness” and continue on as normal.

I also harnessed the power of my anger for good. Anger is a good, healthy emotion. It is our best signal that our boundaries are being violated. I channel that into good: I use that anger as a catalyst for working on myself, and being the best possible mom I can be for my own kids.

To be clear, I understand that they had sh1t lives, too. Where understanding fails me is how could they not only not protect us from others, but how they could neglect and abuse us. Guess what? My childhood was straight sh1t, with no glimmer of hope and *yet* I've never hit the bottle as an adult, nor have I abused or neglected my child. Like another pp, if someone did even one of the things which was done to me to my child, I would actually kill them.

PP, we get it. You're not hearing us.

You can't go back and change the past. You also have no way of changing your parents.

Therefore, if you want to find peace within yourself then you're going to have to make peace with your past and with your flawed parents. Making peace doesn't mean lovey-dovey. Making peace means accepting what happened and moving on. Otherwise you are going to be left with this anger that you are going to pass along to your child. I really hope you don't want that.

So be a bigger, better person and get yourself into therapy, and put this monster to rest. Forgiving your parents or letting go of what they did to you is really the only option you have to make peace with yourself. I hope that you choose to do it.

13:13 here. OP is not in any danger of passing along her anger to her kid?! WTF! I understand you have positive intent but your language can be inflammatory. I suspect you are a Christian or whoever counseled you had that bent as your language, 'making peace', 'accepting', 'be a bigger, better person', 'forgiving', 'letting go', etc. reeks of it. It can be very triggering for some of us, especially since it comes across as diminishing our pain and experiences.

OP is struggling with banking her anger - and that's completely normal. She is not going to pass it on to her child. It's really hard having a scab ripped off, especially when you thought it was a scar. Of course, she's going to reach out to others to see how they recovered from it! What's not helpful is the repetition of platitudes.

Sorry you are still in the thick of it, PP. No reason to mock people who have gotten through that to someplace better. OP is asking for a way to get where they are, not stay where you are.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I let go of needing to find forgiveness. What I developed instead was *understanding*.

I understand the challenges my mom went through in her life. I understand that she had many, many traumatic experiences. I understand that she had too many children at too young of an age due to outside pressures. These all explain her behavior, but they do not excuse it. I have empathy for her, but I also have tremendous empathy for myself and do what is best for me. And what was best was to give her an extremely limited presence in my life, not to seeep everything under the rug in the name of “forgiveness” and continue on as normal.

I also harnessed the power of my anger for good. Anger is a good, healthy emotion. It is our best signal that our boundaries are being violated. I channel that into good: I use that anger as a catalyst for working on myself, and being the best possible mom I can be for my own kids.

To be clear, I understand that they had sh1t lives, too. Where understanding fails me is how could they not only not protect us from others, but how they could neglect and abuse us. Guess what? My childhood was straight sh1t, with no glimmer of hope and *yet* I've never hit the bottle as an adult, nor have I abused or neglected my child. Like another pp, if someone did even one of the things which was done to me to my child, I would actually kill them.

PP, we get it. You're not hearing us.

You can't go back and change the past. You also have no way of changing your parents.

Therefore, if you want to find peace within yourself then you're going to have to make peace with your past and with your flawed parents. Making peace doesn't mean lovey-dovey. Making peace means accepting what happened and moving on. Otherwise you are going to be left with this anger that you are going to pass along to your child. I really hope you don't want that.

So be a bigger, better person and get yourself into therapy, and put this monster to rest. Forgiving your parents or letting go of what they did to you is really the only option you have to make peace with yourself. I hope that you choose to do it.

13:13 here. OP is not in any danger of passing along her anger to her kid?! WTF! I understand you have positive intent but your language can be inflammatory. I suspect you are a Christian or whoever counseled you had that bent as your language, 'making peace', 'accepting', 'be a bigger, better person', 'forgiving', 'letting go', etc. reeks of it. It can be very triggering for some of us, especially since it comes across as diminishing our pain and experiences.

OP is struggling with banking her anger - and that's completely normal. She is not going to pass it on to her child. It's really hard having a scab ripped off, especially when you thought it was a scar. Of course, she's going to reach out to others to see how they recovered from it! What's not helpful is the repetition of platitudes.

Sorry you are still in the thick of it, PP. No reason to mock people who have gotten through that to someplace better. OP is asking for a way to get where they are, not stay where you are.

DP. You need to stop projecting and preaching. It was unreasonable and unfounded for you to assert OP will let her anger impact her child. It's just as unreasonable and unfounded for you to assert the PP isn't in a healthy place. You can be in a healthy place and remain in touch with that anger. I suspect you really have no idea what you're talking about and repeat what you've heard others say. Therapy would benefit you.

Oh - and 'mock' doesn't mean what you think it means.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ll never forgive my mother. But going no contact and the passage of many years have made it easier to not focus on her or the things that happened in the past. That’s what forgiveness is to me-just having it be more remote. If I start thinking about it, I’ll get very wound up.

I’m not sure it can get any more resolved than this, barring some miraculous transformation on her part.

I am going to change one word in your post because this is what needs to happen: I’m not sure it can get any more resolved than this, barring some miraculous transformation on MY part. When YOU change, then your "miraculous transformation" to your life will happen. Not a second before then.

You cannot change your past. You cannot change your mom. You cannot change anything except you. When you change you, then will you be happy. Good luck.

Please stop. This is not helpful to me. I’ve moved on and created my own life apart from my mom. She’s not a focal point. Things go up and down but I don’t need to do anything further

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ll never forgive my mother. But going no contact and the passage of many years have made it easier to not focus on her or the things that happened in the past. That’s what forgiveness is to me-just having it be more remote. If I start thinking about it, I’ll get very wound up.

I’m not sure it can get any more resolved than this, barring some miraculous transformation on her part.

I am going to change one word in your post because this is what needs to happen: I’m not sure it can get any more resolved than this, barring some miraculous transformation on MY part. When YOU change, then your "miraculous transformation" to your life will happen. Not a second before then.

You cannot change your past. You cannot change your mom. You cannot change anything except you. When you change you, then will you be happy. Good luck.

Please stop. This is not helpful to me. I’ve moved on and created my own life apart from my mom. She’s not a focal point. Things go up and down but I don’t need to do anything further

DP (probably the one you ripped early on for not being helpful).

You do need do something further if you truly want to heal. You’re still carrying this around - *for what*? Put it down. What you want, which is a different past, cannot happen. Because something is not a focal point does not mean that it is impacting your life, your health, and your happiness. Like the tiny drip from the faucet that adds up to hundreds of gallons of water- that’s what this does. “Moving on
“ and avoiding it isn’t the solution either if you’re still dragging the same dead horse to beat around every now and then. You’re so angry you can’t even see help and actually reflect on the words that are being posted here. Look at your responses - do you think you don’t respond the same way to things in real life? Is that how you really want to live?

You can therapy yourself all day, every day, but until you choose to actually accept that the course of the rest of your life is solely up to you, and that every day the things you continue us to carry their burdens is also your choice, then you’re gonna just keep on keeping on the same way you are. When you choose to make that change, then that therapy will actually help you build new tools to live life the way you actually want to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I’m sorry for your childhood. I’m curious what your thoughts are about how you’ll handle it when your parents are old enough to need care. Do they have enough money to cover their needs and pay for a home or in-home care? Are they going to expect you to help them? If it’s the latter, I’d be pretty pissed in your shoes and would not help. Do your siblings have a better relationship with your parents?

My siblings and I pretty much stick to our childhood roles and don't rock the boat, so to speak. They have always needed our help. As kids, we were more like parents than children. They are irresponsible with money and will be up a creek if they should need help in old age. I could see myself contributing money to pay for their care, but not arranging it or participating in it. If I could survive as a child with no support of any type and withstand abuse, neglect and all the fun stuff alcoholism brings, then they, as mature adults, can handle figuring out their old age care.

Good for you. And in your shoes, I wouldn’t bother giving them money. Have you given them money in the past? Why can’t you just cut them out of your life, if they don’t bring you anything positive? Life is too short, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I let go of needing to find forgiveness. What I developed instead was *understanding*.

I understand the challenges my mom went through in her life. I understand that she had many, many traumatic experiences. I understand that she had too many children at too young of an age due to outside pressures. These all explain her behavior, but they do not excuse it. I have empathy for her, but I also have tremendous empathy for myself and do what is best for me. And what was best was to give her an extremely limited presence in my life, not to seeep everything under the rug in the name of “forgiveness” and continue on as normal.

I also harnessed the power of my anger for good. Anger is a good, healthy emotion. It is our best signal that our boundaries are being violated. I channel that into good: I use that anger as a catalyst for working on myself, and being the best possible mom I can be for my own kids.

To be clear, I understand that they had sh1t lives, too. Where understanding fails me is how could they not only not protect us from others, but how they could neglect and abuse us. Guess what? My childhood was straight sh1t, with no glimmer of hope and *yet* I've never hit the bottle as an adult, nor have I abused or neglected my child. Like another pp, if someone did even one of the things which was done to me to my child, I would actually kill them.

PP, we get it. You're not hearing us.

You can't go back and change the past. You also have no way of changing your parents.

Therefore, if you want to find peace within yourself then you're going to have to make peace with your past and with your flawed parents. Making peace doesn't mean lovey-dovey. Making peace means accepting what happened and moving on. Otherwise you are going to be left with this anger that you are going to pass along to your child. I really hope you don't want that.

So be a bigger, better person and get yourself into therapy, and put this monster to rest. Forgiving your parents or letting go of what they did to you is really the only option you have to make peace with yourself. I hope that you choose to do it.

13:13 here. OP is not in any danger of passing along her anger to her kid?! WTF! I understand you have positive intent but your language can be inflammatory. I suspect you are a Christian or whoever counseled you had that bent as your language, 'making peace', 'accepting', 'be a bigger, better person', 'forgiving', 'letting go', etc. reeks of it. It can be very triggering for some of us, especially since it comes across as diminishing our pain and experiences.

OP is struggling with banking her anger - and that's completely normal. She is not going to pass it on to her child. It's really hard having a scab ripped off, especially when you thought it was a scar. Of course, she's going to reach out to others to see how they recovered from it! What's not helpful is the repetition of platitudes.

Sorry you are still in the thick of it, PP. No reason to mock people who have gotten through that to someplace better. OP is asking for a way to get where they are, not stay where you are.

+1

If you two truly endured traumatic childhoods, perhaps you shouldn't be so smug. That sh!t rears its head when you least expect it. You will process and reprocess your pain many times over the course of your life. Try showing some compassion since you claim to have suffered, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I’m sorry for your childhood. I’m curious what your thoughts are about how you’ll handle it when your parents are old enough to need care. Do they have enough money to cover their needs and pay for a home or in-home care? Are they going to expect you to help them? If it’s the latter, I’d be pretty pissed in your shoes and would not help. Do your siblings have a better relationship with your parents?

My siblings and I pretty much stick to our childhood roles and don't rock the boat, so to speak. They have always needed our help. As kids, we were more like parents than children. They are irresponsible with money and will be up a creek if they should need help in old age. I could see myself contributing money to pay for their care, but not arranging it or participating in it. If I could survive as a child with no support of any type and withstand abuse, neglect and all the fun stuff alcoholism brings, then they, as mature adults, can handle figuring out their old age care.

Good for you. And in your shoes, I wouldn’t bother giving them money. Have you given them money in the past? Why can’t you just cut them out of your life, if they don’t bring you anything positive? Life is too short, OP.

I recognize my dysfunctionality in continuing to be in touch, however rare and distant it may be. In short, I'm afraid of losing my siblings and their families. We wouldn't have survived childhood without each other.

[Anonymous]

Op - you move on by taking full responsibility for your life now.