How to forgive parents when they've never apologized?

[Anonymous]

You can still get a lot out of AA even if you don't believe in a higher power. Same with ACOA. Just being around other people who get it and hearing their stories is healing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I grew up in an exceptionally dysfunctional home with 2 siblings. The dysfunction involved neglect and alcoholism. At 40, I realize my parents have never changed in my lifetime. The only difference is they are getting older. My siblings and I had to fend for ourselves from a young age. Everyone in the family acts like things were normal and that we're not affected by the dysfunction. I have had a few rounds of therapy and have grown, but still feel a need for recompense for what I've been through. They will never acknowledge what they put us through and my siblings won't either. How can I move on and heal without getting an apology from my parents?

What do you think that your obsessing about your childhood at 40 years of age will do to your children?! Here's a news flash! Just about every person on this earth had imperfect parents.

Thanks, Mom. I'm surprised to learn my children can read my mind. Wow!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I grew up in an exceptionally dysfunctional home with 2 siblings. The dysfunction involved neglect and alcoholism. At 40, I realize my parents have never changed in my lifetime. The only difference is they are getting older. My siblings and I had to fend for ourselves from a young age. Everyone in the family acts like things were normal and that we're not affected by the dysfunction. I have had a few rounds of therapy and have grown, but still feel a need for recompense for what I've been through. They will never acknowledge what they put us through and my siblings won't either. How can I move on and heal without getting an apology from my parents?

What do you think that your obsessing about your childhood at 40 years of age will do to your children?! Here's a news flash! Just about every person on this earth had imperfect parents.

Thanks, Mom. I'm surprised to learn my children can read my mind. Wow!

If you’re even a fraction as aggressive to things you don’t like/don’t align with you as you are on here, they won’t need to read your mind, it is written all over you.

[Anonymous]

They don’t apologize. I changed myself: my mindsets and behavior (which were informed by my being deemed the “black sheep”). My relationship has changed for the better in almost inconceivable ways with my mother. I had to cease communication with my father. But you have to change yourself and your mindset for your own benefit. You can’t ever expect other people to change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I grew up in an exceptionally dysfunctional home with 2 siblings. The dysfunction involved neglect and alcoholism. At 40, I realize my parents have never changed in my lifetime. The only difference is they are getting older. My siblings and I had to fend for ourselves from a young age. Everyone in the family acts like things were normal and that we're not affected by the dysfunction. I have had a few rounds of therapy and have grown, but still feel a need for recompense for what I've been through. They will never acknowledge what they put us through and my siblings won't either. How can I move on and heal without getting an apology from my parents?

What do you think that your obsessing about your childhood at 40 years of age will do to your children?! Here's a news flash! Just about every person on this earth had imperfect parents.

Thanks, Mom. I'm surprised to learn my children can read my mind. Wow!

If you’re even a fraction as aggressive to things you don’t like/don’t align with you as you are on here, they won’t need to read your mind, it is written all over you.

+1

[Anonymous]

I know I will never get an apology. I have come a long way, but my mother is going to die soon and I am really bracing myself for the actual fact that an apology will no longer be possible. : (

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know I will never get an apology. I have come a long way, but my mother is going to die soon and I am really bracing myself for the actual fact that an apology will no longer be possible. : (

Try to make peace with it before she passes, PP. That may mean different things to different people. Your goal should be no regrets for you.

I don't know if you've thought about the time left and what your options are vis a vis the issues and the past that the two of you have. Talk to your partner or spouse or therapist. Should you say something to your mom, you know, try to talk to her before she passes? Should you, without expecting an apology back, tell her you forgive her? Should you let it go by some action within you that doesn't involve her?

Your goal needs to be that you have no regret once she passes, that you've done/said what you wanted to and needed to say to her. And that you won't be wishing you had done/said something.

Hugs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some of these responses sound like they are written by functional alcoholics who are currently messing up their kids' lives and rationalizing that everything is fine. Like you're defending yourselves 20 years ahead of schedule. Nothing to see here.

+1 I feel like my wacko stepmother is posting here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I let go of needing to find forgiveness. What I developed instead was *understanding*.

I understand the challenges my mom went through in her life. I understand that she had many, many traumatic experiences. I understand that she had too many children at too young of an age due to outside pressures. These all explain her behavior, but they do not excuse it. I have empathy for her, but I also have tremendous empathy for myself and do what is best for me. And what was best was to give her an extremely limited presence in my life, not to seeep everything under the rug in the name of “forgiveness” and continue on as normal.

I also harnessed the power of my anger for good. Anger is a good, healthy emotion. It is our best signal that our boundaries are being violated. I channel that into good: I use that anger as a catalyst for working on myself, and being the best possible mom I can be for my own kids.

To be clear, I understand that they had sh1t lives, too. Where understanding fails me is how could they not only not protect us from others, but how they could neglect and abuse us. Guess what? My childhood was straight sh1t, with no glimmer of hope and *yet* I've never hit the bottle as an adult, nor have I abused or neglected my child. Like another pp, if someone did even one of the things which was done to me to my child, I would actually kill them.

PP, we get it. You're not hearing us.

You can't go back and change the past. You also have no way of changing your parents.

Therefore, if you want to find peace within yourself then you're going to have to make peace with your past and with your flawed parents. Making peace doesn't mean lovey-dovey. Making peace means accepting what happened and moving on. Otherwise you are going to be left with this anger that you are going to pass along to your child. I really hope you don't want that.

So be a bigger, better person and get yourself into therapy, and put this monster to rest. Forgiving your parents or letting go of what they did to you is really the only option you have to make peace with yourself. I hope that you choose to do it.

13:13 here. OP is not in any danger of passing along her anger to her kid?! WTF! I understand you have positive intent but your language can be inflammatory. I suspect you are a Christian or whoever counseled you had that bent as your language, 'making peace', 'accepting', 'be a bigger, better person', 'forgiving', 'letting go', etc. reeks of it. It can be very triggering for some of us, especially since it comes across as diminishing our pain and experiences.

OP is struggling with banking her anger - and that's completely normal. She is not going to pass it on to her child. It's really hard having a scab ripped off, especially when you thought it was a scar. Of course, she's going to reach out to others to see how they recovered from it! What's not helpful is the repetition of platitudes.

Sorry you are still in the thick of it, PP. No reason to mock people who have gotten through that to someplace better. OP is asking for a way to get where they are, not stay where you are.

DP. You need to stop projecting and preaching. It was unreasonable and unfounded for you to assert OP will let her anger impact her child. It's just as unreasonable and unfounded for you to assert the PP isn't in a healthy place. You can be in a healthy place and remain in touch with that anger. I suspect you really have no idea what you're talking about and repeat what you've heard others say. Therapy would benefit you.

Oh - and 'mock' doesn't mean what you think it means.

Dp. If op is spending time here and in therapy she’s already impacting her child. Resentment leaks through. It’s impossible that the feelings of a parent don’t transmit to the child. Choose your feelings wisely!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I grew up in an exceptionally dysfunctional home with 2 siblings. The dysfunction involved neglect and alcoholism. At 40, I realize my parents have never changed in my lifetime. The only difference is they are getting older. My siblings and I had to fend for ourselves from a young age. Everyone in the family acts like things were normal and that we're not affected by the dysfunction. I have had a few rounds of therapy and have grown, but still feel a need for recompense for what I've been through. They will never acknowledge what they put us through and my siblings won't either. How can I move on and heal without getting an apology from my parents?

What would happen if you told your parents: “Each of you behaves as though things were normal and not dysfunctional. It would help me if you would acknowledge that things were not normal and were dysfunctional. You could apologize, and we might be able to be closer after that”?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Forgiveness isn't something you give someone because they apologized. It's something you give yourself -- [b]the freedom to stop carrying around the hurt, the freedom to stop expecting something that's not going to happen, the freedom to use that space in your head for something else. "Forgiveness is giving up hope of having had a different past." It doesn't mean you forget what they did, but you cancel the debt. Stop expecting them to repay you. Spend as much or as little time with them as you want. Let it go and see what you can do with the energy you have now that you'd dropped that load.

Agree 100%
Well said

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I grew up in an exceptionally dysfunctional home with 2 siblings. The dysfunction involved neglect and alcoholism. At 40, I realize my parents have never changed in my lifetime. The only difference is they are getting older. My siblings and I had to fend for ourselves from a young age. Everyone in the family acts like things were normal and that we're not affected by the dysfunction. I have had a few rounds of therapy and have grown, but still feel a need for recompense for what I've been through. They will never acknowledge what they put us through and my siblings won't either. How can I move on and heal without getting an apology from my parents?

What would happen if you told your parents: “Each of you behaves as though things were normal and not dysfunctional. It would help me if you would acknowledge that things were not normal and were dysfunctional. You could apologize, and we might be able to be closer after that”?

I don't know what would happen, but I suspect (based on past discussions) that they would employ a variety of defense mechanisms including denial, minimizing, changing the subject, etc. As others have noted, I will never get an apology. I am feeling better than I was when I first wrote here. I am comforted knowing that others understand how I feel, although I also feel bad they suffered as children.

[Anonymous]

Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families was very helpful to me on this exact point. The materials, esp the How to Become Your Own Loving Parent Guidebook and the meetings (many on Zoom) really changed my life and helped me process past trauma.

https://adultchildren.org/
https://adultchildren.org/literature/problem/
https://adultchildren.org/literature/solution/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families was very helpful to me on this exact point. The materials, esp the How to Become Your Own Loving Parent Guidebook and the meetings (many on Zoom) really changed my life and helped me process past trauma.

https://adultchildren.org/
https://adultchildren.org/literature/problem/
https://adultchildren.org/literature/solution/

This is very helpful, thanks. Interestingly, I don't see myself in the "laundry list", but the "other laundry list"? Whoo boy! At least 4 of those resonate with me. I no longer believe in a higher power, but I will look deeper into the steps.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I let go of needing to find forgiveness. What I developed instead was *understanding*.

I understand the challenges my mom went through in her life. I understand that she had many, many traumatic experiences. I understand that she had too many children at too young of an age due to outside pressures. These all explain her behavior, but they do not excuse it. I have empathy for her, but I also have tremendous empathy for myself and do what is best for me. And what was best was to give her an extremely limited presence in my life, not to seeep everything under the rug in the name of “forgiveness” and continue on as normal.

I also harnessed the power of my anger for good. Anger is a good, healthy emotion. It is our best signal that our boundaries are being violated. I channel that into good: I use that anger as a catalyst for working on myself, and being the best possible mom I can be for my own kids.

To be clear, I understand that they had sh1t lives, too. Where understanding fails me is how could they not only not protect us from others, but how they could neglect and abuse us. Guess what? My childhood was straight sh1t, with no glimmer of hope and *yet* I've never hit the bottle as an adult, nor have I abused or neglected my child. Like another pp, if someone did even one of the things which was done to me to my child, I would actually kill them.

PP, we get it. You're not hearing us.

You can't go back and change the past. You also have no way of changing your parents.

Therefore, if you want to find peace within yourself then you're going to have to make peace with your past and with your flawed parents. Making peace doesn't mean lovey-dovey. Making peace means accepting what happened and moving on. Otherwise you are going to be left with this anger that you are going to pass along to your child. I really hope you don't want that.

So be a bigger, better person and get yourself into therapy, and put this monster to rest. Forgiving your parents or letting go of what they did to you is really the only option you have to make peace with yourself. I hope that you choose to do it.

13:13 here. OP is not in any danger of passing along her anger to her kid?! WTF! I understand you have positive intent but your language can be inflammatory. I suspect you are a Christian or whoever counseled you had that bent as your language, 'making peace', 'accepting', 'be a bigger, better person', 'forgiving', 'letting go', etc. reeks of it. It can be very triggering for some of us, especially since it comes across as diminishing our pain and experiences.

OP is struggling with banking her anger - and that's completely normal. She is not going to pass it on to her child. It's really hard having a scab ripped off, especially when you thought it was a scar. Of course, she's going to reach out to others to see how they recovered from it! What's not helpful is the repetition of platitudes.

Sorry you are still in the thick of it, PP. No reason to mock people who have gotten through that to someplace better. OP is asking for a way to get where they are, not stay where you are.

DP. You need to stop projecting and preaching. It was unreasonable and unfounded for you to assert OP will let her anger impact her child. It's just as unreasonable and unfounded for you to assert the PP isn't in a healthy place. You can be in a healthy place and remain in touch with that anger. I suspect you really have no idea what you're talking about and repeat what you've heard others say. Therapy would benefit you.

Oh - and 'mock' doesn't mean what you think it means.

Dp. If op is spending time here and in therapy she’s already impacting her child. Resentment leaks through. It’s impossible that the feelings of a parent don’t transmit to the child. Choose your feelings wisely!

This. And don't let your feelings affect your child. Learn to mask your displeasure, your anger and your unhappiness from your child. Your child is too young to deal with it. Your child deserves better.