“The Harsh Reality of Gentle Parenting”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just skimmed the article, so I could be off base, but I'm not sure if our definitions of gentle parenting are the same.

I have a child who is extremely anxious. When she says she is too anxious to go to school, I am gentle and understanding, but I make her go to school.

When I am angry, I don't bottle up my emotions, but I also don't take my anger out on my kids or suggest that they are somehow the cause of my anger.

If my kid doesn't want to do an assignment, I don't make them do an assignment, but I also wouldn't dream of shielding them from the teacher's consequences of not handing in the assignment.

I don't yell at my kid when they don't do their chores, but I do stand next to them and keep asking them to do their chores until they do them, rather than just not giving my kids chores.

My approach is really not outcome-based, it's more needs-based, which is why I'm generally attracted to the idea of gentle parenting. And so much of what kids need is boundaries, guidance through difficult times (rather than help avoiding difficult times), and allowing kids to fail.

So, I dunno. I wonder if it's hard to talk about gentle parenting because the terms aren't firmly defined.

NO, this is not what the author means by gentle parenting.

[Anonymous]

I’m a mental health professional and loved this article. There is a lot to like in gentle parenting but the ideas that parents should constantly disguise their emotional state is a big problem. There’s a world of difference between “you make mommy sad!” and a gauzy, cooing “it seems like you’re having such a good time hitting mommy in the face with your train’” type response. Also, the part about hitting the little sister was perfect example of the excesses/absurdity of the gentle parenting ethos.

[Anonymous]

I thought the article was interesting and I do think she highlights the problems with the way gentle parenting can be if you buy into like a cult and use it to shame parents (mostly moms). But honestly, you can use anything for that -- they were shaming moms back in the 80s, too, and gentle parenting wasn't a thing back then.

I don't identify with the complaints she has about making the child the center of the universe or attending to their every emotional need. I don't feel that way at all. To me, gentle parenting is a set of tools for keeping myself calm as a parent, especially when I'm tired or overstressed or my kid is really pushing me to the end. Like one of the biggest things I've gotten out of gentle parenting guidance is that if I feel myself getting angry or pushed to to an edge, to train myself to say to my kid "I'm feeling really upset and need a minute. I'm going to go be alone for a little while and listen to some music, and then we will talk about this." It's not about centering my kid's emotions at all -- it's about learning to control mine and give myself what I need in order to respond calmly to challenges. And added benefit -- when my kid hears me say this and sees me do this, she learns to calmly express her feelings and let us know when she needs space. It's a win-win and I don't feel enslaved to her inner life at all.

But I also grew up in a house where yelling, crying, guilt-tripping, and physical abuse were the standard parenting methods for dealing with stress and challenges. I think gentle parenting approaches are necessary for people who grew up like I did because we basically have to reparent ourselves-- we can't rely on what our parents modeled for us as "good enough". We are sort of reinventing the wheel. I think if you grew up in a safe and happy environment, gentle parenting may not make sense to you because emotional regulation might come naturally to you. That sounds awesome, but it's not an option for me. I need tools for this, and stuff like "mindful parenting" offers them because it doesn't assume I'm just naturally an even keel person. It assumes I have work to do, which is true, and gives me ways to do that work.

I honestly think most gentle parenting proponents are either people from similar backgrounds to mine or therapists who have worked with lots of people like me. I don't really think it's meant as a universal approach. For people with past trauma, its' great.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just skimmed the article, so I could be off base, but I'm not sure if our definitions of gentle parenting are the same.

I have a child who is extremely anxious. When she says she is too anxious to go to school, I am gentle and understanding, but I make her go to school.

When I am angry, I don't bottle up my emotions, but I also don't take my anger out on my kids or suggest that they are somehow the cause of my anger.

If my kid doesn't want to do an assignment, I don't make them do an assignment, but I also wouldn't dream of shielding them from the teacher's consequences of not handing in the assignment.

I don't yell at my kid when they don't do their chores, but I do stand next to them and keep asking them to do their chores until they do them, rather than just not giving my kids chores.

My approach is really not outcome-based, it's more needs-based, which is why I'm generally attracted to the idea of gentle parenting. And so much of what kids need is boundaries, guidance through difficult times (rather than help avoiding difficult times), and allowing kids to fail.

So, I dunno. I wonder if it's hard to talk about gentle parenting because the terms aren't firmly defined.

Agree with this, maybe there is an aspect to gentle parenting that is little or extreme or permissive that people associate it with, but this is very much how i have heard it being implemented. Another name for it is Authoritative Parenting, which i think people will have more time accepting bc it sounds stronger. But ultimately it is the same concept of being empathetic and responsive to emotional needs, while holding strong boundaries and allowing for natural consequences in many situations.

In the cited article, Authoritative Parenting is specifically cited as not gentle parenting.

As an "Authoritative Parent", I used to listen to Janet Lansbury but it wasn't me. I can empathize with a toddler but in general, I don't think it's healthy for them to be in charge. My kids love to push boundaries and break rules (they both have ADHD, fwiw), but they also need rules and boundaries to know where they are and what to fight against. Until they've figured out the rules, they are very unhappy/anxious.

[Anonymous]

I still wonder what happened to the "gentle parenting" mom I met years ago who told me she never wanted her son to hear the word "no". Then he ran up and started pushing her and she didn't tell him to stop. She just stood there talking to me as he kicked her shins over and over and over again.

Yeah, I wonder where that kid ended up.

[Anonymous]

All I know is the parents who didn’t say no and refused to sleep train, delayed potty training or enforce basic rules ended up with kids with behavioral problems. Their kids don’t seem to be doing well at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just skimmed the article, so I could be off base, but I'm not sure if our definitions of gentle parenting are the same.

I have a child who is extremely anxious. When she says she is too anxious to go to school, I am gentle and understanding, but I make her go to school.

When I am angry, I don't bottle up my emotions, but I also don't take my anger out on my kids or suggest that they are somehow the cause of my anger.

If my kid doesn't want to do an assignment, I don't make them do an assignment, but I also wouldn't dream of shielding them from the teacher's consequences of not handing in the assignment.

I don't yell at my kid when they don't do their chores, but I do stand next to them and keep asking them to do their chores until they do them, rather than just not giving my kids chores.

My approach is really not outcome-based, it's more needs-based, which is why I'm generally attracted to the idea of gentle parenting. And so much of what kids need is boundaries, guidance through difficult times (rather than help avoiding difficult times), and allowing kids to fail.

So, I dunno. I wonder if it's hard to talk about gentle parenting because the terms aren't firmly defined.

How is that fair to your kid’s teachers? They need parents to back them up, not make their jobs even more difficult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All I know is the parents who didn’t say no and refused to sleep train, delayed potty training or enforce basic rules ended up with kids with behavioral problems. Their kids don’t seem to be doing well at all.

I agree with this except potty training. Pushing potty training before ready can cause years-long struggle for a child.

[Anonymous]

I will never forget a trip to the Washington Zoo with my son's kindergarten class. I watched this boy literally walk across the park benches, stepping over the people sitting on them as his mother followed him around going "Benches are for sitting." We still joke about this woman.

My problem with a lot of this advice is that I had 3 kids under the age of four and a husband who was deployed a lot. If I didn't say hurry up we never would have made it to the store before it closed. (This was in Europe where things weren't open 24/7). I always had trouble with 'remove the tantrumming child from the store and go home and try again another day' advice. If I did that, we wouldn't have eaten.

It feels like a lot of this advice is written by really wealthy women who either have one child or a lot of childcare help and a lot of resources. (I.E. The idea of giving children food choices presupposes that there is enough food around the home for people to have choices which wasn't the case in my husband's immigrant household growing up.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I thought the article was interesting and I do think she highlights the problems with the way gentle parenting can be if you buy into like a cult and use it to shame parents (mostly moms). But honestly, you can use anything for that -- they were shaming moms back in the 80s, too, and gentle parenting wasn't a thing back then.

I don't identify with the complaints she has about making the child the center of the universe or attending to their every emotional need. I don't feel that way at all. To me, gentle parenting is a set of tools for keeping myself calm as a parent, especially when I'm tired or overstressed or my kid is really pushing me to the end. Like one of the biggest things I've gotten out of gentle parenting guidance is that if I feel myself getting angry or pushed to to an edge, to train myself to say to my kid "I'm feeling really upset and need a minute. I'm going to go be alone for a little while and listen to some music, and then we will talk about this." It's not about centering my kid's emotions at all -- it's about learning to control mine and give myself what I need in order to respond calmly to challenges. And added benefit -- when my kid hears me say this and sees me do this, she learns to calmly express her feelings and let us know when she needs space. It's a win-win and I don't feel enslaved to her inner life at all.

But I also grew up in a house where yelling, crying, guilt-tripping, and physical abuse were the standard parenting methods for dealing with stress and challenges. I think gentle parenting approaches are necessary for people who grew up like I did because we basically have to reparent ourselves-- we can't rely on what our parents modeled for us as "good enough". We are sort of reinventing the wheel. I think if you grew up in a safe and happy environment, gentle parenting may not make sense to you because emotional regulation might come naturally to you. That sounds awesome, but it's not an option for me. I need tools for this, and stuff like "mindful parenting" offers them because it doesn't assume I'm just naturally an even keel person. It assumes I have work to do, which is true, and gives me ways to do that work.

I honestly think most gentle parenting proponents are either people from similar backgrounds to mine or therapists who have worked with lots of people like me. I don't really think it's meant as a universal approach. For people with past trauma, its' great.

This is a really interesting perspective — thank you for sharing! I posted upthread about not learning about parenting philosophies much and I think you’re right — I had a very happy childhood so a lot of my toolbox is “what would my parents do/what did they do to help me when I was this age?”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m a mental health professional and loved this article. There is a lot to like in gentle parenting but the ideas that parents should constantly disguise their emotional state is a big problem. There’s a world of difference between “you make mommy sad!” and a gauzy, cooing “it seems like you’re having such a good time hitting mommy in the face with your train’” type response. Also, the part about hitting the little sister was perfect example of the excesses/absurdity of the gentle parenting ethos.

I think I must just have stumbled on a more reasonable corner of the gentle parenting universe because neither of those reflects the advice I've read or the overall philosophy at all.

I follow a few gentle therapy proponents on Instagram and they are very clear that while you shouldn't blame your kid for your emotional state ("you make mommy so mad") you can absolutely express negative emotions to your kid and hold them responsible for their behavior ("I can't let you hit me with your train, because it hurts and I don't like it. I'm feeling pretty stressed right now, so I'm going to take a break and we'll try playing together again in a couple minutes.") And while I have an only, I've seen lots of gentle parenting guidance for siblings and all of it says that when kids hit each other you should begin by focusing on the injured or attacked child and making sure they are okay and know that you aren't okay with them being hurt, and then turn to the kid who hit or whatever and talk through the behavior. Yes, you are supposed to approach it from a place of curiosity, not blame, but of course you explain that hitting isn't an acceptable solution for whatever feelings they might have been having. You might talk through other options they can use in the future if they get frustrated with their sibling ("I wonder what you might do next time if your little sister is playing with one of your toys -- what are some things we could try instead of hitting to solve that problem?").

I also think authoritative parenting has it's place. I don't think it makes sense to deploy all these gentle parenting methods when you are trying to get your kid out the door in the morning, for instance. That's a good time to set a schedule, make sure your kid knows what it is, and stick to it. I think gentle parenting methods are mostly for keeping yourself calm and for teaching your kid to regulate their own emotions. That's only one part of parenting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think empathy, modeling the behavior you want to see, and getting away from shame all make sense, but also think there are some parts of gentle parenting philosophy that are actively bad for parents and kids.

I think advice that tells parents (moms) that they can't express a full range of emotions is really problematic (the go in the garage and scream in a pillow rather than show frustration or anger in front of your child-to me that is messed up.

More harmful to me as the parent of a kid with anxiety is the constant smoothing of the path for kids. The experts in my life keep stressing that my role as a parent is to help my kid build distress tolerance. Kids need to know that they can hear "no" and they will be okay, that someone can be angry at them and they will be okay. If you don't have those small experiences of suffering and recovering through childhood-how do you get to a place where failing a test in college, or getting negative feedback from a boss is something you accept, recover, and work through. I see young people in my life who do not seem to be able to navigate even small adversities without falling apart and I wonder if there is a connection to this style of parenting.

+1

I agree that parents play a different role in children's lives than everyone else, but your children will encounter many, many other people, including authority figures (teachers, coaches, etc.), and they need to be able to understand that sometimes the answer is simply no, and not everyone has time to discuss how you feel when you didn't get to kick the soccer ball first.

I do try to talk to my children about how they're feeling and why and try to discuss how we can handle the situation better next time instead of simply punishing them for doing something wrong (since generally they felt "out of control" when they did the "bad" thing, so punishing them doesn't do anything to stop the behavior from happening again). But they also aren't the center of anyone's universe, and I think they need to know that. They need to appreciate that their actions and words have consequences and that they make other people feel certain ways and that it isn't ok to do or say whatever you want regardless of the effect it has on someone else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just skimmed the article, so I could be off base, but I'm not sure if our definitions of gentle parenting are the same.

I have a child who is extremely anxious. When she says she is too anxious to go to school, I am gentle and understanding, but I make her go to school.

When I am angry, I don't bottle up my emotions, but I also don't take my anger out on my kids or suggest that they are somehow the cause of my anger.

If my kid doesn't want to do an assignment, I don't make them do an assignment, but I also wouldn't dream of shielding them from the teacher's consequences of not handing in the assignment.

I don't yell at my kid when they don't do their chores, but I do stand next to them and keep asking them to do their chores until they do them, rather than just not giving my kids chores.

My approach is really not outcome-based, it's more needs-based, which is why I'm generally attracted to the idea of gentle parenting. And so much of what kids need is boundaries, guidance through difficult times (rather than help avoiding difficult times), and allowing kids to fail.

So, I dunno. I wonder if it's hard to talk about gentle parenting because the terms aren't firmly defined.

Agree with this, maybe there is an aspect to gentle parenting that is little or extreme or permissive that people associate it with, but this is very much how i have heard it being implemented. Another name for it is Authoritative Parenting, which i think people will have more time accepting bc it sounds stronger. But ultimately it is the same concept of being empathetic and responsive to emotional needs, while holding strong boundaries and allowing for natural consequences in many situations.

In the cited article, Authoritative Parenting is specifically cited as not gentle parenting.

As an "Authoritative Parent", I used to listen to Janet Lansbury but it wasn't me. I can empathize with a toddler but in general, I don't think it's healthy for them to be in charge. My kids love to push boundaries and break rules (they both have ADHD, fwiw), but they also need rules and boundaries to know where they are and what to fight against. Until they've figured out the rules, they are very unhappy/anxious.

I think part of this is that different kids, and different parents, do better with different approaches. My kid is more like the original PP's anxious child -- very sensitive, very emotionally in tune. Gentle parenting is useful with her because she can get very easily stressed out if she feels like she's being ordered around or doesn't have some control over her life. But that doesn't mean she runs the show or has no boundaries. It mostly means that just change my approach so it's, well, gentler, and that makes it easier for her to accept the schedules and boundaries I impose. The difference might be subtle but the response from her is big.

If I say "time for dinner, we are all going to sit down together and eat" she will sometimes (not always, it depends) get stressed about this and start resisting. She'll say she's not hungry, she'll ask if she can eat in her room (she's 5, that's not an option), she'll wiggle around in her chair and refuse to look at her food. If we double down and say no, this is what we're doing, she'll get oppositional and then it's a fight and everyone is grump.

But the "gentle" approach might be something as simple as giving her more agency or something to do. I started asking her to set the table for us instead of telling her when dinner was, and it solved the problem of making meals happen on time and at the table because then she was invested. Instead of saying "this is what's for dinner, no substitutions" we frame it as "there are five options for dinner tonight, you can have a little of everything or pick your three favorites." She gets a choice but we aren't making her special meals or anything. If she can't sit still in her seat, we'll suggest she get up and run a lap around the table and see if that gets her wiggles out, recognizing sometimes little kids just need to move their bodies.

It's not permissive. It's using gentle techniques to accomplish the same goals as an authoritative parent would. It does require a bit more planning and creativity than just telling your kids, "this is what we're doing." But if telling them isn't working, these other methods work, and you get used to it and don't have to think much about it after a while.

For some kids, this really is the best way. If you don't need this stuff, maybe your kid is just more naturally easy going or compliant. That works too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just skimmed the article, so I could be off base, but I'm not sure if our definitions of gentle parenting are the same.

I have a child who is extremely anxious. When she says she is too anxious to go to school, I am gentle and understanding, but I make her go to school.

When I am angry, I don't bottle up my emotions, but I also don't take my anger out on my kids or suggest that they are somehow the cause of my anger.

If my kid doesn't want to do an assignment, I don't make them do an assignment, but I also wouldn't dream of shielding them from the teacher's consequences of not handing in the assignment.

I don't yell at my kid when they don't do their chores, but I do stand next to them and keep asking them to do their chores until they do them, rather than just not giving my kids chores.

My approach is really not outcome-based, it's more needs-based, which is why I'm generally attracted to the idea of gentle parenting. And so much of what kids need is boundaries, guidance through difficult times (rather than help avoiding difficult times), and allowing kids to fail.

So, I dunno. I wonder if it's hard to talk about gentle parenting because the terms aren't firmly defined.

NO, this is not what the author means by gentle parenting.

Okay so I want off base. And while I haven’t done a ton of research on gentle parenting, all the gentle parenting advocates I have come across in blog posts, articles, and social media make recommendations completely consistent with my approach. I know a lot of parents think that gentle parenting is basically coddling so the author isn’t quite doing a straw man here, but I don’t think that any problems the author sees with gentle parenting actually exist, if you’re doing the kind of gentle parenting I have seen advocated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I will never forget a trip to the Washington Zoo with my son's kindergarten class. I watched this boy literally walk across the park benches, stepping over the people sitting on them as his mother followed him around going "Benches are for sitting." We still joke about this woman.

My problem with a lot of this advice is that I had 3 kids under the age of four and a husband who was deployed a lot. If I didn't say hurry up we never would have made it to the store before it closed. (This was in Europe where things weren't open 24/7). I always had trouble with 'remove the tantrumming child from the store and go home and try again another day' advice. If I did that, we wouldn't have eaten.

It feels like a lot of this advice is written by really wealthy women who either have one child or a lot of childcare help and a lot of resources. (I.E. The idea of giving children food choices presupposes that there is enough food around the home for people to have choices which wasn't the case in my husband's immigrant household growing up.)

One of my favorite gentle parenting advocates is an immigrant (I assume, her English isn’t 100% perfect and she lives in Arizona).

https://instagram.com/highimpactclub?utm_medium=copy_link