Reply to “The Harsh Reality of Gentle Parenting”

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I’m a mental health professional and loved this article. There is a lot to like in gentle parenting but the ideas that parents should constantly disguise their emotional state is a big problem. There’s a world of difference between “you make mommy sad!” and a gauzy, cooing “it seems like you’re having such a good time hitting mommy in the face with your train’” type response. Also, the part about hitting the little sister was perfect example of the excesses/absurdity of the gentle parenting ethos. [/quote]

I think I must just have stumbled on a more reasonable corner of the gentle parenting universe because neither of those reflects the advice I've read or the overall philosophy at all.

I follow a few gentle therapy proponents on Instagram and they are very clear that while you shouldn't blame your kid for your emotional state ("you make mommy so mad") you can absolutely express negative emotions to your kid and hold them responsible for their behavior ("I can't let you hit me with your train, because it hurts and I don't like it. I'm feeling pretty stressed right now, so I'm going to take a break and we'll try playing together again in a couple minutes.") And while I have an only, I've seen lots of gentle parenting guidance for siblings and all of it says that when kids hit each other you should begin by focusing on the injured or attacked child and making sure they are okay and know that you aren't okay with them being hurt, and then turn to the kid who hit or whatever and talk through the behavior. Yes, you are supposed to approach it from a place of curiosity, not blame, but of course you explain that hitting isn't an acceptable solution for whatever feelings they might have been having. You might talk through other options they can use in the future if they get frustrated with their sibling ("I wonder what you might do next time if your little sister is playing with one of your toys -- what are some things we could try instead of hitting to solve that problem?").

I also think authoritative parenting has it's place. I don't think it makes sense to deploy all these gentle parenting methods when you are trying to get your kid out the door in the morning, for instance. That's a good time to set a schedule, make sure your kid knows what it is, and stick to it. I think gentle parenting methods are mostly for keeping yourself calm and for teaching your kid to regulate their own emotions. That's only one part of parenting.[/quote]

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