Reply to “The Harsh Reality of Gentle Parenting”

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I think empathy, modeling the behavior you want to see, and getting away from shame all make sense, but also think there are some parts of gentle parenting philosophy that are actively bad for parents and kids.

I think advice that tells parents (moms) that they can't express a full range of emotions is really problematic (the go in the garage and scream in a pillow rather than show frustration or anger in front of your child-to me that is messed up.

[b]More harmful to me as the parent of a kid with anxiety is the constant smoothing of the path for kids. The experts in my life keep stressing that my role as a parent is to help my kid build distress tolerance. Kids need to know that they can hear "no" and they will be okay, that someone can be angry at them and they will be okay. If you don't have those small experiences of suffering and recovering through childhood-how do you get to a place where failing a test in college, or getting negative feedback from a boss is something you accept, recover, and work through. I see young people in my life who do not seem to be able to navigate even small adversities without falling apart and I wonder if there is a connection to this style of parenting.[/b][/quote]

I agree that parents play a different role in children's lives than everyone else, but your children will encounter many, many other people, including authority figures (teachers, coaches, etc.), and they need to be able to understand that sometimes the answer is simply no, and not everyone has time to discuss how you feel when you didn't get to kick the soccer ball first.

I do try to talk to my children about how they're feeling and why and try to discuss how we can handle the situation better next time instead of simply punishing them for doing something wrong (since generally they felt "out of control" when they did the "bad" thing, so punishing them doesn't do anything to stop the behavior from happening again). But they also aren't the center of anyone's universe, and I think they need to know that. They need to appreciate that their actions and words have consequences and that they make other people feel certain ways and that it isn't ok to do or say whatever you want regardless of the effect it has on someone else.
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