Reply to “The Harsh Reality of Gentle Parenting”

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Reply to "“The Harsh Reality of Gentle Parenting”"

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[quote=Anonymous]I thought the article was interesting and I do think she highlights the problems with the way gentle parenting can be if you buy into like a cult and use it to shame parents (mostly moms). But honestly, you can use anything for that -- they were shaming moms back in the 80s, too, and gentle parenting wasn't a thing back then.

I don't identify with the complaints she has about making the child the center of the universe or attending to their every emotional need. I don't feel that way at all. To me, gentle parenting is a set of tools for keeping myself calm as a parent, especially when I'm tired or overstressed or my kid is really pushing me to the end. Like one of the biggest things I've gotten out of gentle parenting guidance is that if I feel myself getting angry or pushed to to an edge, to train myself to say to my kid "I'm feeling really upset and need a minute. I'm going to go be alone for a little while and listen to some music, and then we will talk about this." It's not about centering my kid's emotions at all -- it's about learning to control mine and give myself what I need in order to respond calmly to challenges. And added benefit -- when my kid hears me say this and sees me do this, she learns to calmly express her feelings and let us know when she needs space. It's a win-win and I don't feel enslaved to her inner life at all.

But I also grew up in a house where yelling, crying, guilt-tripping, and physical abuse were the standard parenting methods for dealing with stress and challenges. I think gentle parenting approaches are necessary for people who grew up like I did because we basically have to reparent ourselves-- we can't rely on what our parents modeled for us as "good enough". We are sort of reinventing the wheel. I think if you grew up in a safe and happy environment, gentle parenting may not make sense to you because emotional regulation might come naturally to you. That sounds awesome, but it's not an option for me. I need tools for this, and stuff like "mindful parenting" offers them because it doesn't assume I'm just naturally an even keel person. It assumes I have work to do, which is true, and gives me ways to do that work.

I honestly think most gentle parenting proponents are either people from similar backgrounds to mine or therapists who have worked with lots of people like me. I don't really think it's meant as a universal approach. For people with past trauma, its' great.[/quote]

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