Reply to “The Harsh Reality of Gentle Parenting”

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I just skimmed the article, so I could be off base, but I'm not sure if our definitions of gentle parenting are the same.

I have a child who is extremely anxious. When she says she is too anxious to go to school, I am gentle and understanding, but I make her go to school.

When I am angry, I don't bottle up my emotions, but I also don't take my anger out on my kids or suggest that they are somehow the cause of my anger.

If my kid doesn't want to do an assignment, I don't make them do an assignment, but I also wouldn't dream of shielding them from the teacher's consequences of not handing in the assignment.

I don't yell at my kid when they don't do their chores, but I do stand next to them and keep asking them to do their chores until they do them, rather than just not giving my kids chores.

My approach is really not outcome-based, it's more needs-based, which is why I'm generally attracted to the idea of gentle parenting. And so much of what kids need is boundaries, guidance through difficult times (rather than help avoiding difficult times), and allowing kids to fail.

So, I dunno. I wonder if it's hard to talk about gentle parenting because the terms aren't firmly defined. [/quote]

Agree with this, maybe there is an aspect to gentle parenting that is little or extreme or permissive that people associate it with, but this is very much how i have heard it being implemented. Another name for it is Authoritative Parenting, which i think people will have more time accepting bc it sounds stronger. But ultimately it is the same concept of being empathetic and responsive to emotional needs, while holding strong boundaries and allowing for natural consequences in many situations. [/quote]

In the cited article, Authoritative Parenting is specifically cited as not gentle parenting.

As an "Authoritative Parent", I used to listen to Janet Lansbury but it wasn't me.  I can empathize with a toddler but in general, I don't think it's healthy for them to be in charge.  My kids love to push boundaries and break rules (they both have ADHD, fwiw), but they also need rules and boundaries to know where they are and what to fight against.  Until they've figured out the rules, they are very unhappy/anxious.  [/quote]

I think part of this is that different kids, and different parents, do better with different approaches. My kid is more like the original PP's anxious child -- very sensitive, very emotionally in tune. Gentle parenting is useful with her because she can get very easily stressed out if she feels like she's being ordered around or doesn't have some control over her life. But that doesn't mean she runs the show or has no boundaries. It mostly means that just change my approach so it's, well, gentler, and that makes it easier for her to accept the schedules and boundaries I impose. The difference might be subtle but the response from her is big.

If I say "time for dinner, we are all going to sit down together and eat" she will sometimes (not always, it depends) get stressed about this and start resisting. She'll say she's not hungry, she'll ask if she can eat in her room (she's 5, that's not an option), she'll wiggle around in her chair and refuse to look at her food. If we double down and say no, this is what we're doing, she'll get oppositional and then it's a fight and everyone is grump.

But the "gentle" approach might be something as simple as giving her more agency or something to do. I started asking her to set the table for us instead of telling her when dinner was, and it solved the problem of making meals happen on time and at the table because then she was invested. Instead of saying "this is what's for dinner, no substitutions" we frame it as "there are five options for dinner tonight, you can have a little of everything or pick your three favorites." She gets a choice but we aren't making her special meals or anything. If she can't sit still in her seat, we'll suggest she get up and run a lap around the table and see if that gets her wiggles out, recognizing sometimes little kids just need to move their bodies.

It's not permissive. It's using gentle techniques to accomplish the same goals as an authoritative parent would. It does require a bit more planning and creativity than just telling your kids, "this is what we're doing." But if telling them isn't working, these other methods work, and you get used to it and don't have to think much about it after a while.

For some kids, this really is the best way. If you don't need this stuff, maybe your kid is just more naturally easy going or compliant. That works too.[/quote]

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