“The Harsh Reality of Gentle Parenting”

[Anonymous]

I do think that there are two offshoots of gentle parenting- permissive gentle and authoritarian gentle, the latter should not be confused with authoritarian style of parenting.

What the author is talking about is the gentle permissive not gentle authoritarian, which is most of the people I read/follow (Dr. Becky, Dr. Siggie, Sarah Ockwell-Smith, MrChazz. BigLittleFeelings, The Explosive CHild, Whole Brain CHild)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do think that there are two offshoots of gentle parenting- permissive gentle and authoritarian gentle, the latter should not be confused with authoritarian style of parenting.

What the author is talking about is the gentle permissive not gentle authoritarian, which is most of the people I read/follow (Dr. Becky, Dr. Siggie, Sarah Ockwell-Smith, MrChazz. BigLittleFeelings, The Explosive CHild, Whole Brain CHild)

What's the difference between authoritarian gentle and authoritarian?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do think that there are two offshoots of gentle parenting- permissive gentle and authoritarian gentle, the latter should not be confused with authoritarian style of parenting.

What the author is talking about is the gentle permissive not gentle authoritarian, which is most of the people I read/follow (Dr. Becky, Dr. Siggie, Sarah Ockwell-Smith, MrChazz. BigLittleFeelings, The Explosive CHild, Whole Brain CHild)

What's the difference between authoritarian gentle and authoritarian?

Not pp but authoritative isn’t the same as authoritarian

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do think that there are two offshoots of gentle parenting- permissive gentle and authoritarian gentle, the latter should not be confused with authoritarian style of parenting.

What the author is talking about is the gentle permissive not gentle authoritarian, which is most of the people I read/follow (Dr. Becky, Dr. Siggie, Sarah Ockwell-Smith, MrChazz. BigLittleFeelings, The Explosive CHild, Whole Brain CHild)

What's the difference between authoritarian gentle and authoritarian?

I believe they meant to say Authoritative-Gentle. Not Authoritarian.

Authoritarian is very strict parenting style. With the emphasis on obedience and control of your children mostly through fear. I feel this was largely used through the mid century maybe up until the 80s when things started to change a bit

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do think that there are two offshoots of gentle parenting- permissive gentle and authoritarian gentle, the latter should not be confused with authoritarian style of parenting.

What the author is talking about is the gentle permissive not gentle authoritarian, which is most of the people I read/follow (Dr. Becky, Dr. Siggie, Sarah Ockwell-Smith, MrChazz. BigLittleFeelings, The Explosive CHild, Whole Brain CHild)

What's the difference between authoritarian gentle and authoritarian?

That should read "authoritative gentle" not authoritarian. My bad! Too many syllables during the 2pm slump for me

[Anonymous]

I once saw a kid hit their mother in the face and the mom said “oh, did that hurt your hand love?”

If THAT is gentle parenting then gentle parenting is BS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I once saw a kid hit their mother in the face and the mom said “oh, did that hurt your hand love?”

If THAT is gentle parenting then gentle parenting is BS.

It's not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do think that there are two offshoots of gentle parenting- permissive gentle and authoritarian gentle, the latter should not be confused with authoritarian style of parenting.

What the author is talking about is the gentle permissive not gentle authoritarian, which is most of the people I read/follow (Dr. Becky, Dr. Siggie, Sarah Ockwell-Smith, MrChazz. BigLittleFeelings, The Explosive CHild, Whole Brain CHild)

What's the difference between authoritarian gentle and authoritarian?

That should read "authoritative gentle" not authoritarian. My bad! Too many syllables during the 2pm slump for me

DP and lol! Also, yes, thank you for making the distinction. What the author describes is absolutely permissive-gentle, vs. authoritative-gentle. I wouldn't describe Whole Brain Child as permissive at all, even while it's gentler and more informed than many parenting approaches.

I'd also put Lisa Damour in this category for teens, adapted well for the age group. I see the authoritative-gentle as taking into account the importance of children's brain and emotional development, while at the same time recognizing the importance of boundaries. They also IME do a good job of recognizing parents as human beings who will screw up sometimes.

[Anonymous]

There seem to be a lot of gentle parenting mavens who think the alternative is a spanking/screaming/“why are you being such a bad little boy?!” Style. It’s not! I just think the occasional star chart is perfectly fine as is laying off the “your feel like kicking brother! Do you want to kick the blue pillow instead or this red pillow?” sometimes in favor of “stop kicking.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I once saw a kid hit their mother in the face and the mom said “oh, did that hurt your hand love?”

If THAT is gentle parenting then gentle parenting is BS.

No it's not. But also, you have NO IDEA what is actually happening here. The kid may have special needs, and the mother has already learned that screaming "DO NOT HIT ME BILLY!" is only going to escalate things.

Parents are really just overwhelmed with information. It's easy to mock someone when you aren't doing the job they are trying to do. Giving a smile and a "this age can be tough" can go a really long way.

[Anonymous]

I think so many aspects of gentle parenting are stupid. There, I said it. No, I do not yell at or harshly discipline my children. Yes, I am empathetic and kind with them, but this bullshit narrating their feelings to them and holding mine in is stupid.

[Anonymous]

Gentle parenting is NOT permissive parenting. As others have said it basically tells the parents to keep their outbursts in check and be calm and firm even when the child is misbehaving. The parent is still very much in charge and gentle parenting advocates actually state holding firm boundaries and not giving in to your kids actually leads them to feeling safe and secure.

I have often seen parents yell at their kids only for the kids to start crying which leads to the parent getting overwhelmed and giving in. That confuses the child and makes them think they can get away with their tantrums and crying. Mindful parenting just means acknowledge your child’s feelings, understand they are having a rough time but not yelling or shaming them. It promotes the view that as a parent you are always in charge and you are the one who makes the rules but that doesn’t mean you resort to yelling, shaming or ridiculing your child. It’s an amazing approach and one that actually works!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Gentle parenting is NOT permissive parenting. As others have said it basically tells the parents to keep their outbursts in check and be calm and firm even when the child is misbehaving. The parent is still very much in charge and gentle parenting advocates actually state holding firm boundaries and not giving in to your kids actually leads them to feeling safe and secure.

I have often seen parents yell at their kids only for the kids to start crying which leads to the parent getting overwhelmed and giving in. That confuses the child and makes them think they can get away with their tantrums and crying. Mindful parenting just means acknowledge your child’s feelings, understand they are having a rough time but not yelling or shaming them. It promotes the view that as a parent you are always in charge and you are the one who makes the rules but that doesn’t mean you resort to yelling, shaming or ridiculing your child. It’s an amazing approach and one that actually works!

You could equally be describing authoritative parenting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I really like Janet Lansbury. But I can't say I follow all her advice perfectly. I don't see most of these philosophies as something you need to do PERFECTLY. They are ideas. Ways to push your thinking about child rearing, and how to change your approach when you aren't getting the behavior you want. I do not see them as a holy gospel. I think that's our cultural problem, we want a check list of "how to do it right" when it's much more complicated than that.

Lansbury helped me be MUCH more empathetic with my toddler. Especially after I added a little brother to her life, which really did throw her in a tailspin. I still put her in timeout, so I was not The Perfect Unruffled Parent, but it helped me immensely see the limitations of my own "my way or the highway" attitude in getting what *I* wanted.

I think each generation finds improvements in parenting. But again, there is no one perfect doctrine. It just moves the needle. Look at how spanking has gone from common to derided in just one generation.[/quote]

I'm 56 years old, and it was much derided in my parents' circle of friends. My (close) friends and I were never spanked. Anecdote is not data, but I think it's socioeconomic or education. There are still many many places in the US where spanking is common and accepted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Gentle parenting is NOT permissive parenting. As others have said it basically tells the parents to keep their outbursts in check and be calm and firm even when the child is misbehaving. The parent is still very much in charge and gentle parenting advocates actually state holding firm boundaries and not giving in to your kids actually leads them to feeling safe and secure.

I have often seen parents yell at their kids only for the kids to start crying which leads to the parent getting overwhelmed and giving in. That confuses the child and makes them think they can get away with their tantrums and crying. Mindful parenting just means acknowledge your child’s feelings, understand they are having a rough time but not yelling or shaming them. It promotes the view that as a parent you are always in charge and you are the one who makes the rules but that doesn’t mean you resort to yelling, shaming or ridiculing your child. It’s an amazing approach and one that actually works!

You could equally be describing authoritative parenting.

DP, but the gentle parenting authors described above (at least, the authoritative-gentle ones) incorporate children's development and neuroscience in a way that wasn't available when Diana Baumrind first published about it.

But otherwise, yeah, it's the same thing in a different label. I do agree with the PP who pointed out that some of the "gentle parenting" crowd veers more permissive than authoritative.