Daughter’s boyfriend taking advantage

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tread carefully. Give her space to come to her own conclusions about him.

This was my thought too. She’s a grown woman, and you are choosing to give her the money. Now you are attaching strings to it and trying to control her via your money.

Yes, and she will start lying and hiding things from you and possibly others she knows share information.. You can let her know at lease renewal your financial support will change. It doesn't have anything to do with boyfriend, it is because she is an adult and needs to be able to take ownership of herself.

For now, Don't give her additional money to support him. She has to make do with what you've agreed to do.

[Anonymous]

Have you met this kid? Does he actually have a job/career? When will your DD be done with school? Does she have a stipend and you are just supplementing? How far away is she from you?

You can limit the money you give her which will force her to pickup a part time job.

[Anonymous]

Oh wow, this is all so familiar. My BIL is a freeloader and started living in my parents’ basement “temporarily” while dating my sister. She convinced them to help out. 15 years and two kids later, they’re still in the basement! My parents are now retired and supporting her entire family on very little money.

Cut her living expenses by half while he’s there. Yes, you might force her to lose the apartment if she stays with him and he doesn’t start paying his half. But it’s the only way.

[Anonymous]

Does your daughter's landlord know he is living there? Has he officially been put on the lease--landlords will usually want all adults living in an apartment to be on the lease (and possibly a credit check) regardless of who is paying the bills.
The landlord could possibly evict your daughter for violating this.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like they are both taking advantage of you, not just the boyfriend.

When I lived with my BF, we paid a percentage of rent based on income. IMO the BF should be the one paying more in rent since he has a job. I’d think through some sort of structure to lower the amount you contribute. Something like:

“That’s so wonderful you two have found each other. Now that you’re living together, we need to contribute less to your housing bill so we can fund our retirement, etc. Let us know how you two plan to handle finances going forward. We will continue to pay your portion of housing as long as you’re enrolled in school, but we don’t believe we should pay housing costs for both of you.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're trying to help her through grad school by paying her bills directly?

At age 25, she can manage her own finances. If you want to help, maybe give her a set amount based on her pre-boyfriend expenses and let her figure it out.

This. I’d switch to a stipend for your DD. Let her be the one to cut the check to support the freeloader. I’m guessing this approach may change her views

[Anonymous]

How much longer will she be in grad school?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would be running a credit check and police report in this guy and checking him out on social media to get a sense of who you’re dealing with first.

This. I would be highly suspicious.

[Anonymous]

OP tell her you are not providing free housing for anyone but her. Boyfriend will disappear when that happens. Tell your daughter she doesn't get to help people out on your dime. And point out at 25 she's incredibly lucky to have financial support.

[Anonymous]

They've only been dating for 8 months and he's been living with her for 4? He moved in with her after only dating four months?
That's pretty crazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would pay only half her rent and have her ask him to pay his half. She maybe furious but you’re doing her a favor. Sounds like she needs to break up with him and this may force her to see him for who he really is—a freeloader. Normally, I’d stay out of my kid’s’ relationships, but because you’re still supporting her, it’s like you’re supporting someone who you didn’t sign up to support. Hard pass.

This. Tell her immediately, from this point forward, you will pay half. When it is her money, she may see the situation a little more clearly. He is taking advantage of her, but she is also taking advantage of YOU!

[Anonymous]

This is the tough thing about financially supporting adult kids (particularly to the degree that they don't have to hustle and find roommates!). If you try to control her with money, it will cause conflict but I get why you don't want to foot the bill for an adult +1. I would either leave it or do a breezy, "so glad you found a roommate. Starting in April, we will cover 50% of rent since you found someone to split your bills with." I think the potential drawback of the latter is that if he is paying rent they are more tied together-classic high rent city scenario where you can't breakup because no one can afford the rent alone.

[Anonymous]

She’s 25 and you’re paying for all her expenses? No wonder she’s dating a freeloader.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tread carefully. Give her space to come to her own conclusions about him.

This was my thought too. She’s a grown woman, and you are choosing to give her the money. Now you are attaching strings to it and trying to control her via your money.

Agree with both PPs. You shouldn’t be providing this amount of support if you are going to attach strings. The only way to attach strings to money is if you do it from the very beginning (ie “we will pay your rent, but expect you to pay us back later” or something along those lines). I think you have to let her work this out if you’re expenses haven’t gone up. If the expenses have increased, that’s a different story.

How is your daughter learning anything about finances? We don’t have enough info in the post to know your full arrangement (which is understandable), but I think you should think about the answer to that question and whether the help you are providing in the short-term will be helpful to her in the long-term. For example, you may be empowering her to let this dude live there for free because she doesn’t see any financial cost to the situation. Or you may be taking away her opportunity to learn about budgeting and managing her household. These things are important.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tread carefully. Give her space to come to her own conclusions about him.

This was my thought too. She’s a grown woman, and you are choosing to give her the money. Now you are attaching strings to it and trying to control her via your money.

I disagree. I posted a couple hours ago asking if the daughter's landlord knew the boyfriend is living there. If OP is paying all the bills, I'm assuming the daughter doesn't have sufficient income to qualify for rent, and OP is probably a co-signer on the apartment. If the daughter gets evicted for having an unauthorized tenant, how will that effect OP as a co-signer? Will OP have an eviction on her/his record?