Daughter’s boyfriend taking advantage

[Anonymous]

My 25 year old daughter has been dating a guy for about 8 months now and we feel like he is taking advantage of her and her situation. She is currently in graduate school and we have been generously supporting her, which is where the taking advantage piece comes in. We don’t seem to get all the details, but the boyfriend has been “temporarily” living with her for 4 months after something happened with where he was living. He does have a job, but contributes no rent and doesn’t seem to pay any expenses - we can tell since we are footing all the bills. We are friendly with our daughter’s best friend’s parents who have heard from their daughter that the boyfriend constantly goes out without our daughter multiple night a week.

We’ve tried to talk to her but she gets very defensive. We’ve asked if the boyfriend can contribute some rent or expenses or what he is doing to pay his share, but she makes excuses or doesn’t want to hear it - she claims he is saving up to buy his own place so she is trying to help him out.

Where do we go from here - don’t want to cut her off but do we hold back money to force him into paying his own way? We also don’t want to cause a rift with our daughter since we have always had a great relationship. Not sure how to handle this.

[Anonymous]

Isn't your rent cost the same whether he's living there or not?

[Anonymous]

Did you say he’s been getting a piece as it comes in? That’s the idea.

[Anonymous]

You say you have a great relationship. So why is she getting defensive? I think your questions to her are all valid.

Prior to your DD's relationship, what was your long-term plan for supporting your DD - how much and how long?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 25 year old daughter has been dating a guy for about 8 months now and we feel like he is taking advantage of her and her situation. She is currently in graduate school and we have been generously supporting her, which is where the taking advantage piece comes in. We don’t seem to get all the details, but the boyfriend has been “temporarily” living with her for 4 months after something happened with where he was living. He does have a job, but contributes no rent and doesn’t seem to pay any expenses - we can tell since we are footing all the bills. We are friendly with our daughter’s best friend’s parents who have heard from their daughter that the boyfriend constantly goes out without our daughter multiple night a week.

We’ve tried to talk to her but she gets very defensive. We’ve asked if the boyfriend can contribute some rent or expenses or what he is doing to pay his share, but she makes excuses or doesn’t want to hear it - she claims he is saving up to buy his own place so she is trying to help him out.

Where do we go from here - don’t want to cut her off but do we hold back money to force him into paying his own way? We also don’t want to cause a rift with our daughter since we have always had a great relationship. Not sure how to handle this.

But it’s not her who is helping him out; it’s you. So you should tell her there are conditions to his living there as long as you’re paying. Whatever those conditions may be are obviously up to you. But your daughter (and of course her BF) are out of line.

Tell her how much you’re willing to contribute and how much you expect him to contribute.

[Anonymous]

I would pay only half her rent and have her ask him to pay his half. She maybe furious but you’re doing her a favor. Sounds like she needs to break up with him and this may force her to see him for who he really is—a freeloader. Normally, I’d stay out of my kid’s’ relationships, but because you’re still supporting her, it’s like you’re supporting someone who you didn’t sign up to support. Hard pass.

[Anonymous]

I would be running a credit check and police report in this guy and checking him out on social media to get a sense of who you’re dealing with first.

[Anonymous]

Tread carefully. Give her space to come to her own conclusions about him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 25 year old daughter has been dating a guy for about 8 months now and we feel like he is taking advantage of her and her situation. She is currently in graduate school and we have been generously supporting her, which is where the taking advantage piece comes in. We don’t seem to get all the details, but the boyfriend has been “temporarily” living with her for 4 months after something happened with where he was living. He does have a job, but contributes no rent and doesn’t seem to pay any expenses - we can tell since we are footing all the bills. We are friendly with our daughter’s best friend’s parents who have heard from their daughter that the boyfriend constantly goes out without our daughter multiple night a week.

We’ve tried to talk to her but she gets very defensive. We’ve asked if the boyfriend can contribute some rent or expenses or what he is doing to pay his share, but she makes excuses or doesn’t want to hear it - she claims he is saving up to buy his own place so she is trying to help him out.

Where do we go from here - don’t want to cut her off but do we hold back money to force him into paying his own way? We also don’t want to cause a rift with our daughter since we have always had a great relationship. Not sure how to handle this.

Lol who is We? It really seems it is just you. So at least own that part of this. It does not sound like you have a great relationship with your DD. Now you want to make a decision based on your daughter’s best friend’s parents who have heard from their daughter? I am sure you can take that information to the bank! I mean third hand information is always spot on! I guess your DD’s best friend spends hours talking to her parents about your DD’s living arrangements with her boyfriend? Does that sound right to you? Let me guess the best friend’s mother does not approve of your DD living situation..lol?

What is wrong with you? She is your adult daughter(25 years old), not some simpleton. She is not being taken advantage of. You already know the answer and I bet you are going to cut her off. The only question is how many years will it be before she talks to you again and will that win you the approval of your daughter’s best friend’s parents?

What exactly do you gains by doing this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tread carefully. Give her space to come to her own conclusions about him.

This was my thought too. She’s a grown woman, and you are choosing to give her the money. Now you are attaching strings to it and trying to control her via your money.

[Anonymous]

Are you paying more now than when the boyfriend was not living there? If not, I would be patient and let your daughter handle the situation for a few more months. You are assuming he is doing nothing for her but he could be supporting her other ways. If he ends up marrying her, neither of them will ever forget your criticisms.

[Anonymous]

Your first mistake was paying your daughters way after she’s out of college.

[Anonymous]

'She's' not helping him out, YOU are. Why are you paying all of a 25-year-old's bills? Does she not have a job?

[Anonymous]

You're trying to help her through grad school by paying her bills directly?

At age 25, she can manage her own finances. If you want to help, maybe give her a set amount based on her pre-boyfriend expenses and let her figure it out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 25 year old daughter has been dating a guy for about 8 months now and we feel like he is taking advantage of her and her situation. She is currently in graduate school and we have been generously supporting her, which is where the taking advantage piece comes in. We don’t seem to get all the details, but the boyfriend has been “temporarily” living with her for 4 months after something happened with where he was living. He does have a job, but contributes no rent and doesn’t seem to pay any expenses - we can tell since we are footing all the bills. We are friendly with our daughter’s best friend’s parents who have heard from their daughter that the boyfriend constantly goes out without our daughter multiple night a week.

We’ve tried to talk to her but she gets very defensive. We’ve asked if the boyfriend can contribute some rent or expenses or what he is doing to pay his share, but she makes excuses or doesn’t want to hear it - she claims he is saving up to buy his own place so she is trying to help him out.

Where do we go from here - don’t want to cut her off but do we hold back money to force him into paying his own way? We also don’t want to cause a rift with our daughter since we have always had a great relationship. Not sure how to handle this.

Lol who is We? It really seems it is just you. So at least own that part of this. It does not sound like you have a great relationship with your DD. Now you want to make a decision based on your daughter’s best friend’s parents who have heard from their daughter? I am sure you can take that information to the bank! I mean third hand information is always spot on! I guess your DD’s best friend spends hours talking to her parents about your DD’s living arrangements with her boyfriend? Does that sound right to you? Let me guess the best friend’s mother does not approve of your DD living situation..lol?

What is wrong with you? She is your adult daughter(25 years old), not some simpleton. She is not being taken advantage of. You already know the answer and I bet you are going to cut her off. The only question is how many years will it be before she talks to you again and will that win you the approval of your daughter’s best friend’s parents?

What exactly do you gains by doing this?

Then she should be paying her own way. Grad school is not undergrad and mommy and daddy don’t need to pay for her “adult” housing and bills.