Daughter’s boyfriend taking advantage

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tread carefully. Give her space to come to her own conclusions about him.

This!!! My boyfriend once moved in with me when I was living alone and he was a FT student. My parents weren't helping me, but... he was not a keeper. Took me a long time to figure that out. If my parents had forced the issue, I might have married him out of spite, and that's definitely not what you want.

[Anonymous]

We’ve asked if the boyfriend can contribute some rent or expenses or what he is doing to pay his share, but she makes excuses or doesn’t want to hear it - she claims he is saving up to buy his own place so she is trying to help him out.

Haha, SHE’S not helping him out. YOU’RE helping him out. Tell her she needs to move back home because you’re not in a position to pay for her boyfriend’s portion of the rent.

[Anonymous]

Cut her off. He is using her, she is using you and you are being used. The only person who is losing anything here is you. Stand up for yourself and make your daughter grow up.

Of course she thinks it ok for him to live with her and not pay anything to support himself. YOU are the one who taught her that.

[Anonymous]

What did you decide, OP?

[Anonymous]

Its a tricky situation. I would go visit, meet them and try to understand their situation with an open mind before passing a verdict.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In graduate school at 25?? Unless it's medical or law school or a STEM doctorate, I don't understand.

Well then you’re not very bright. Lots of PhD graduate degrees take 4-5 years to complete, not just STEM doctorates. Even if she went to grad school directly after college, she’d most likely still be working on a PhD in any field at 25. Plus I’m not sure you’re aware but not everyone goes directly to graduate school after undergrad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let me guess, op, books before boys was how you raised your daughter? There’s a reason she’s putting up with this nonsense, are you sure she isn’t into drugs or bad stuff, or isn’t supporting someone who is? Why would she want to “help him” “buy his *own* place”, that’s the kind of nonsense you teach your kids about at hopefully a much earlier age. Why didn’t this happen?

You need to be concerned with your daughter and why this is attractive to her, as well as seeming like a good idea.

I hope too that you haven’t run off every boyfriend she’s had because “she’s too young” “she needs to get an education” “she’d better not even think of marriage and family yet”, you need to do a deep dive into why this guy is who she wants.

Since she’s an adult, you can’t stop her from dating him. You also can’t kick him out, not unless you own the property and are renting to her, and even then, she’s allowed legally to have overnight guests, you can’t show up at noon and say “time’s up, John”.
You really screwed up on this, op.
You also have no way to make him give you or your daughter money, not unless you own the property and add him to the lease. Be careful that you don’t come off as trying to extort him, I did get that vibe from you, and yes, I think this guy is bad news, people don’t just leave a place and not tell you why. He probably got evicted or his previous girlfriend kicked him out. Your daughter is feeding you a line about why he’s there. Does she really believe it?

I also wasn’t a fan of “my best friend says..” maybe your best friend is right, but you come off as an extortionist who needs to pay up if your best friend tells you something you don’t like, which may be why other more respectable guys have ran, I would have. I wouldn’t want to date someone only to have you wonder who I hugged last week because “my best friend saw you do it”, a best friend I probably don’t know, and who probably made hugging my mother sound sleazy.

How exactly do you expect your daughter to support herself if you just stop paying her expenses? That’s the school solution, pardon the word choice, but what exactly do you expect her to do? She’s probably set up her classes and study time counting on your support. Did you formalize this support? You aren’t serving your daughter well if you didn’t, something you should have thought about and something that you should take care of today if you truly want to do this right. Set up a trust, it doesn’t have to be a large trust, but a trust so that funds will be dispersed to her.

As of now, you sound like a controlling mom (or dad) who has driven the daughter into the arms of a looser.


Please, for the love of all that’s holy: it’s “loser”.

[Anonymous]

Theres all kinds of psychological issues here. Basically op you've raised an entitled daughter so she doesn't feel she is obligated to not use the apartment you are paying for in a manner you feel is not responsible. On the other hand you feel giving her the money gives you the right to control who lives in it.


You also have bad boundaries with your daughter. If you don't want to pay for her apartment if this guy is freeloading off her, you have to set that boundary and stick to it. But her poor decision making is a direct result of how you raised her--that she doesn't have to worry about possible negative consequences from her bad decisions because she's not financially responsible for them.

You probably need family therapy and thats when all the deeper issues about how you are over enmeshed with her will start to come out too. This is not really about her bum boyfriend at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OK i am SHOCKED at the consensus of the replies b/c I strongly disagree. Her rent has not changed...if you were cool playing the rent for a 25 year old, you can't pull it back to 50% b/c she has a BF/Roommate.

Do you know that he's not contributing in other ways? Maybe he's covering all their "going out" expenses or something else, maybe she uses his car, who knows. It doesn't impact your bills, which you were comfortable with when she was single or casually dating. I see this as 100% you trying to control your 25 yr olds' dating life b/c you don't like the BF. They may wind up married, who can know, but making her DEPENDENT on the relationship by cutting the living expenses by 50% only makes them staying together more likely. If you want to keep this relationship strong, really think carefully about how much you meddle and what strings you add to financial support. I see you as wanting to control an outcome that has nothing to really do with you, which is manipulation.

I agree with the other posters that if you were seeing grocery stores on the credit card bill and the food costs have doubled, that is totally fair game to discuss with her.

Why can't they? Because being unconditionally subsidized in perpetuity is every Americans birth right? She's an adult and her parents can stop paying the rent at any time they want, for any reason or no reason at all.

[Anonymous]

If parents are co-signers on the lease, stopping payments really isn’t an option. When my DS was in graduate school, I was a co-signer for 4 years on his lease because he had zero income.

[Anonymous]

FWIW I know a couple who was able to buy their $1m house in NW when we were only 30 because they lived in an apartment that his parents bought as "an investment" that he was allowed to live in rent free in law school (I assume he also had no loans, but likley OP is paying for graduate school too)- it freed up a LOT of money since her salary was as a teacher at that time.

Same for another couple I know who sold the small condo they lived in that was owned by her parents/ paid for by the parents and then used that to buy their home. In both situations the partner moved into the 1 bedroom apartmentat about 25-27, they saved a bunch of money and got married 4-5 years later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OK i am SHOCKED at the consensus of the replies b/c I strongly disagree. Her rent has not changed...if you were cool playing the rent for a 25 year old, you can't pull it back to 50% b/c she has a BF/Roommate.

Do you know that he's not contributing in other ways? Maybe he's covering all their "going out" expenses or something else, maybe she uses his car, who knows. It doesn't impact your bills, which you were comfortable with when she was single or casually dating. I see this as 100% you trying to control your 25 yr olds' dating life b/c you don't like the BF. They may wind up married, who can know, but making her DEPENDENT on the relationship by cutting the living expenses by 50% only makes them staying together more likely. If you want to keep this relationship strong, really think carefully about how much you meddle and what strings you add to financial support. I see you as wanting to control an outcome that has nothing to really do with you, which is manipulation.

I agree with the other posters that if you were seeing grocery stores on the credit card bill and the food costs have doubled, that is totally fair game to discuss with her.

Why can't they? Because being unconditionally subsidized in perpetuity is every Americans birth right? She's an adult and her parents can stop paying the rent at any time they want, for any reason or no reason at all.

Exactly. I’m actually shocked at the replies from people who would continue to pay full living expenses. It’s not the parents changing terms here. They agreed to pay for HER living expenses and have now been roped into paying for his as well. Grow a spine, people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OK i am SHOCKED at the consensus of the replies b/c I strongly disagree. Her rent has not changed...if you were cool playing the rent for a 25 year old, you can't pull it back to 50% b/c she has a BF/Roommate.

Do you know that he's not contributing in other ways? Maybe he's covering all their "going out" expenses or something else, maybe she uses his car, who knows. It doesn't impact your bills, which you were comfortable with when she was single or casually dating. I see this as 100% you trying to control your 25 yr olds' dating life b/c you don't like the BF. They may wind up married, who can know, but making her DEPENDENT on the relationship by cutting the living expenses by 50% only makes them staying together more likely. If you want to keep this relationship strong, really think carefully about how much you meddle and what strings you add to financial support. I see you as wanting to control an outcome that has nothing to really do with you, which is manipulation.

I agree with the other posters that if you were seeing grocery stores on the credit card bill and the food costs have doubled, that is totally fair game to discuss with her.

Why can't they? Because being unconditionally subsidized in perpetuity is every Americans birth right? She's an adult and her parents can stop paying the rent at any time they want, for any reason or no reason at all.

Exactly. I’m actually shocked at the replies from people who would continue to pay full living expenses. It’s not the parents changing terms here. They agreed to pay for HER living expenses and have now been roped into paying for his as well. Grow a spine, people.

Many parents pay for kids to get masters because either intended jobs need masters or because they want kids to get it done without wasting time on ho hum jobs.

[Anonymous]

Average age to finish masters degree is 33. With parents footing the bills, most bright students finish it at 24-25. It gives them a leg up in job market and in life.

[Anonymous]

OP! What’s your plan? How do you intend to handle it? Update how it unfolds.