Daughter’s boyfriend taking advantage

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think you shouldn't put your daughter in the middle. You're payingrent so technically it's your place. I'd contact him directly and let him know that he needs to start paying you $XX per month if he is to continue living there.

if you stop paying the rent, I could see a situation where your daughter ends up getting a job - not to support herself, but to support her loser bf. And that's throwing the baby out with the bathwater.

Wth, no, this is terrible advice. OP would appear completely nuts.

OP, your daughter is a 25 year old fully grown adult. You made a decision to pay for her place during grad school. I’m not going to comment on that decision itself. Your daughter is an adult. It’s really not your place to step in here and try to manage how she lives her life. Would you be this upset if she was hosting a girlfriend who needed a place to stay for a few months? It is possible this this guy is bad news but in all likelihood she would be letting him crash even if she were paying for the apartment herself. It sounds like you a classic helicopter who is trying to use your money to control your child’s action, framed as concern for her well-being.

[Anonymous]

This is OP, I want to clarify a few things. My daughter is in medical school (her choice, not us pushing) and we have the means to support her and are happy to do so. Our agreement was that we pay her tuition, rent, basic utilities and for what were her minimal living expenses (groceries and occasionally some inexpensive dinners out with friends). We never needed to set a budget because everything was totally reasonable.

It’s not really the rent I care so much about, although in principle if he has a job I am not sure why he should not contribute. Since they started dating the charges for things like groceries and dinners out have gone up quite a bit. It seems like she is treating him to a nice dinner out once a week which I don’t like. We pay all the bills directly so given the charges I am seeing it does not look like he is paying for anything.

DH and I have met him a couple times (they are in another state) and he honestly seems like a nice guy, but we don’t know him all that well.

And for those questioning our relationship has always been good and is fine outside of this one thing. I think she just doesn’t want to push in the boyfriend because it’s awkward. I don’t know how or why exactly she started paying for things.

[Anonymous]

Set up a meeting with a financial counselor so he can help her look at this in a rational and factual manner.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think you know what the answer here is, you just don't want to do it because you're scared of how your daughter will react. This is why you are in this situation because it sounds like she controls you. Don't let her and don't let him. There is nothing wrong with saying, "here was our agreement and you are breaking it." I'm not saying you should use money to control your daughter (you should have already cut those strings) but it's YOUR money and she is taking advantage of you. You agreed to support HER and you can still do that. But when she brings in another employed adult who you have know for less than a year and you are also supporting him, that's not fair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP, I want to clarify a few things. My daughter is in medical school (her choice, not us pushing) and we have the means to support her and are happy to do so. Our agreement was that we pay her tuition, rent, basic utilities and for what were her minimal living expenses (groceries and occasionally some inexpensive dinners out with friends). We never needed to set a budget because everything was totally reasonable.

It’s not really the rent I care so much about, although in principle if he has a job I am not sure why he should not contribute. Since they started dating the charges for things like groceries and dinners out have gone up quite a bit. It seems like she is treating him to a nice dinner out once a week which I don’t like. We pay all the bills directly so given the charges I am seeing it does not look like he is paying for anything.

DH and I have met him a couple times (they are in another state) and he honestly seems like a nice guy, but we don’t know him all that well.

And for those questioning our relationship has always been good and is fine outside of this one thing. I think she just doesn’t want to push in the boyfriend because it’s awkward. I don’t know how or why exactly she started paying for things.

Lol. She is not “paying for things” you are. In all seriousness I think it’s possible that you have enabled her spending so much that she just views your money as hers and she doesn’t even realize that you would take issue with her paying for the boyfriend. This conversation is long overdue. I’d suggest putting her on a monthly stipend instead of just covering all bills each month. Honestly at this point your financial enabling is harming rather than helping her at this point.

[Anonymous]

She has a roommate, so I’d pay half her expenses.

[Anonymous]

I don't know. Maybe I am different from many other posters here.

I am absolutely ok with my 25 yr old DD, allowing someone to stay rent-free with her. Why? Because for me the question of who is financing her is immaterial. It does not matter if I am paying rent or if DD is. The cost does not go up if she lets someone live with her.

For me, what matters is that she decided to let someone live with her. With me DD, I believe the following things - I have raised her well and she makes good decisions, she wants to invest in this relationship, she is committed to her studies and career, she will confide with me because she is close to me, she will never let some man treat her poorly because she has a loving dad.

My DD is allowed to be generous with others and give a helping hand to her friends and bf, as long as it does not impact more important things in her life.

[Anonymous]

It doesn’t have to be a BF problem. My DD paid for her friends and drove them everywhere because she felt bad they had less and she had more money. Sometimes other people can manipulate goodness in other people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know. Maybe I am different from many other posters here.

I am absolutely ok with my 25 yr old DD, allowing someone to stay rent-free with her. Why? Because for me the question of who is financing her is immaterial. It does not matter if I am paying rent or if DD is. The cost does not go up if she lets someone live with her.

For me, what matters is that she decided to let someone live with her. With me DD, I believe the following things - I have raised her well and she makes good decisions, she wants to invest in this relationship, she is committed to her studies and career, she will confide with me because she is close to me, she will never let some man treat her poorly because she has a loving dad.

My DD is allowed to be generous with others and give a helping hand to her friends and bf, as long as it does not impact more important things in her life.

You must have missed OP's latest post. The spending did go up. OP's DD's "generosity" is taken directly from OP.

[Anonymous]

I would think it is great that DD has a live-in BF and is supported through her medical school.

Is the problem that the BF is not in med school? In any case, do you want to create drama while she is in med school or do you want to support her?

If you are worried that this man is abusing your DD then you need to go visit and get a good sense of what and who he is.

[Anonymous]

The stipend is the way to go, even without the boyfriend. Your daughter is 25 and apparently pays no bills directly. Just puts lot on a credit card and forgets about it. She needs to learn financial management - budgeting, remembering to pay bills on time, etc. These are critical life lessons and now is the time to learn.

So, decide on her monthly stipend amount. Treat it like a paycheck. Deposit once a month or split in 2 installments. After that, let her take over and pay for her expenses directly.

This arrangement will be good for all of you. It will give her some independence and teach her fiscal management. And it will help you step back and let go a little. I mean, most parents aren't intimately acquainted with their 25 year olds grocery bills.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know. Maybe I am different from many other posters here.

I am absolutely ok with my 25 yr old DD, allowing someone to stay rent-free with her. Why? Because for me the question of who is financing her is immaterial. It does not matter if I am paying rent or if DD is. The cost does not go up if she lets someone live with her.

For me, what matters is that she decided to let someone live with her. With me DD, I believe the following things - I have raised her well and she makes good decisions, she wants to invest in this relationship, she is committed to her studies and career, she will confide with me because she is close to me, she will never let some man treat her poorly because she has a loving dad.

My DD is allowed to be generous with others and give a helping hand to her friends and bf, as long as it does not impact more important things in her life.

Agree with you. The real issue here is that OP Feels that her daughter is not making good decisions. So she is trying to change that through financial means.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know. Maybe I am different from many other posters here.

I am absolutely ok with my 25 yr old DD, allowing someone to stay rent-free with her. Why? Because for me the question of who is financing her is immaterial. It does not matter if I am paying rent or if DD is. The cost does not go up if she lets someone live with her.

For me, what matters is that she decided to let someone live with her. With me DD, I believe the following things - I have raised her well and she makes good decisions, she wants to invest in this relationship, she is committed to her studies and career, she will confide with me because she is close to me, she will never let some man treat her poorly because she has a loving dad.

My DD is allowed to be generous with others and give a helping hand to her friends and bf, as long as it does not impact more important things in her life.

You must have missed OP's latest post. The spending did go up. OP's DD's "generosity" is taken directly from OP.

No. The rent cost has not gone up. The cost for expensive dinners have gone up. It is quite possible that the guy buys her several nice dinners and every once in a while she pays for a nice dinner. It is a romantic relationship, they are having fun and dining out etc.

OP should care that the BF is loving and kind to her DD and not care if they are eating sushi too often. I am not hearing her say that there are any red flags that she has observed with the guy - he yells at her, she cooks and cleans while he drinks, he cheats on her, he is 15 yrs older than her, he has several baby mamas etc, etc.

So I don't think the focus should be on the slight increase in cost of eating out because that increase is normal. Why? When you are dating and young, your entertainment cost goes up. If OP has any concern, it should be that her DD is happy and safe.

Is the OP financing her DD? Yes, she decided before the BF was in the picture to finance her DD's medical college and she cannot go and change rules now on her DD now. In fact, that will leave her DD more vulnerable and isolated. That does not make sense at all.

I think that the communication channels between OP and her DD is broken because there should have been no reason to post this on DCUM. Instead, OP should talk to her DD and find out what she thinks about the guy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The stipend is the way to go, even without the boyfriend. Your daughter is 25 and apparently pays no bills directly. Just puts lot on a credit card and forgets about it. She needs to learn financial management - budgeting, remembering to pay bills on time, etc. These are critical life lessons and now is the time to learn.

So, decide on her monthly stipend amount. Treat it like a paycheck. Deposit once a month or split in 2 installments. After that, let her take over and pay for her expenses directly.

This arrangement will be good for all of you. It will give her some independence and teach her fiscal management. And it will help you step back and let go a little. I mean, most parents aren't intimately acquainted with their 25 year olds grocery bills.

+ 1

Have this convo with the DD first. Figure out what the amount should be together. Don't get the BF in the picture (infact, don't even mention him). It is just that your DD is living with a budget.

Give her enough that she can treat herself to occasion treats but not that she can splurge too much. When there is not unlimited funds and credit card available, your DD will be more willing for her BF (or friends) to go dutch on stuff, because treating others will mean curtailing her own spending.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am a PP who posted earlier that we are also supporting our 25 year old DD. She is also in medical school. It sounds like your DD is taking advantage of your relationship, or she is letting her bf take advantage of you. Have you considered giving your DD a fixed amount per month for groceries, etc.? We pay our DD’s rent directly and give her a set amount for groceries/miscellaneous. She does not have our credit card. This allows her to make her own decisions, but with the reality of a (fairly tight) budget. Hopefully, this is preparing her for real life, as she will definitely need to budget during residency, etc.