Daughter’s boyfriend taking advantage

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow I am amazed at how many parents are ok with paying their adult children’s expenses after undergrad.

My parents paid my tuition, room and board, and meal plan for undergrad which I thought was very generous. After that, I was on my own. Same with my husband who went on to grad school and then professional school.

I think you need to wean your daughter from your financial support. Your daughter can do part time work or apply for financial stipend scholarships to support herself.

How can any student learn the context of any discipline without having first worked?
How can any student appreciate the value of higher education without having first worked?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OK i am SHOCKED at the consensus of the replies b/c I strongly disagree. Her rent has not changed...if you were cool playing the rent for a 25 year old, you can't pull it back to 50% b/c she has a BF/Roommate.

Do you know that he's not contributing in other ways? Maybe he's covering all their "going out" expenses or something else, maybe she uses his car, who knows. It doesn't impact your bills, which you were comfortable with when she was single or casually dating. I see this as 100% you trying to control your 25 yr olds' dating life b/c you don't like the BF. They may wind up married, who can know, but making her DEPENDENT on the relationship by cutting the living expenses by 50% only makes them staying together more likely. If you want to keep this relationship strong, really think carefully about how much you meddle and what strings you add to financial support. I see you as wanting to control an outcome that has nothing to really do with you, which is manipulation.

I agree with the other posters that if you were seeing grocery stores on the credit card bill and the food costs have doubled, that is totally fair game to discuss with her.

Why can't they? Because being unconditionally subsidized in perpetuity is every Americans birth right? She's an adult and her parents can stop paying the rent at any time they want, for any reason or no reason at all.

PP here. Of course they *can, but they shouldn't spend $ with the strings of who their DD is sleeping with. If these were super conservative parents who said "we were supporting our kid, but now they are in a relationship with a same sex partner, so we're going to stop paying rent" that would be awful. In this case the parents do have her best interests at heart, but they are still trying to pull $ away based on not liking her romantic partner.

OP never says anything about “her DD best interests”. Some busybody has been whispering in OP’s ear about how her DD is so feeble minded she’s being taken advantage of and now OP is on the war path. If OP is so upset she should tell DD she has three months after which OP will cut her off.

[Anonymous]

OP, you need to accept that you won't be dictating the terms of her relationships. You can't control. You can't control with money. The time has come for a change

I think this is a wake-up for you that you need to step back, in a huge way, monetarily. No drama. No debate. Just set a date to stop paying expenses and do it. Make sure you wait until the next school-year cycle so your DD can get financial aid/loans if she needs to. Btw, graduate loans, unlike UG loans, provide ample monetary support. She will be fine. She will have money (though will owe after)

[Anonymous]

Look at your expenses for her and give her a monthly allowance. She has to lay bills directly. And no more use of your credit card. She can call you in an emergency if car breaks down etc but she should be budgeting for herself. Then you’re also not in the mix about micromanaging her expenses. And if things are tight, she will figure out how to make it work, by asking her BF or realizing he’s a freeloader.

She seems to think this money is negligible to you. Is it? We are similarly supporting our kids through law school but they are really appreciative and would ask a BF to contribute.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you need to accept that you won't be dictating the terms of her relationships. You can't control. You can't control with money. The time has come for a change

I think this is a wake-up for you that you need to step back, in a huge way, monetarily. No drama. No debate. Just set a date to stop paying expenses and do it. Make sure you wait until the next school-year cycle so your DD can get financial aid/loans if she needs to. Btw, graduate loans, unlike UG loans, provide ample monetary support. She will be fine. She will have money (though will owe after)

DP. I would prefer my kid doesn’t graduate with loans from med school. Give her a set amount and lose visibility into how she spends it. She’s 25 and if in med school, should be able to handle a monthly budget.

[Anonymous]

For whatever reason, she feels like if she isn’t generous - she won’t have men she likes. I say this as someone who felt the same way when I was young. I am not sure if it’s something with self esteem, or just generally a personality of a people pleaser who feels they won’t be loved if they don’t behave?
That’s where I would dig. But she may well be the product of your upbringing, so maybe it’s better if a professional handles it.

[Anonymous]

If she is 25 year old and a med student, she must be of average intelligence and maturity. Shouldn’t you trust her judgment? She’ll be making her own money soon so only thing you’ll get out of disputing her judgment is getting alienated. If that guy is staying long term in her life or marrying her, suspecting him isn’t going to sit well.

[Anonymous]

I would look him and his family up, if educated professionals then not likely to be a moocher.

[Anonymous]

You are supporting two grifters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For whatever reason, she feels like if she isn’t generous - she won’t have men she likes. I say this as someone who felt the same way when I was young. I am not sure if it’s something with self esteem, or just generally a personality of a people pleaser who feels they won’t be loved if they don’t behave?
That’s where I would dig. But she may well be the product of your upbringing, so maybe it’s better if a professional handles it.

Or maybe she is really into this guy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If she is 25 year old and a med student, she must be of average intelligence and maturity. Shouldn’t you trust her judgment? She’ll be making her own money soon so only thing you’ll get out of disputing her judgment is getting alienated. If that guy is staying long term in her life or marrying her, suspecting him isn’t going to sit well.

Even 25-year-old med students and intelligent successful people can have bad judgment. Sounds like this daughter has bad judgment because she is allowing her BF to live off her parents instead of asking him to pay his share.

[Anonymous]

Dd needs to support herself. 25 is a grownup.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If she is 25 year old and a med student, she must be of average intelligence and maturity. Shouldn’t you trust her judgment? She’ll be making her own money soon so only thing you’ll get out of disputing her judgment is getting alienated. If that guy is staying long term in her life or marrying her, suspecting him isn’t going to sit well.

If he's asked to contribute 50% of the rent and stays all will be fine. His reaction to that request will reveal a lot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know. Maybe I am different from many other posters here.

I am absolutely ok with my 25 yr old DD, allowing someone to stay rent-free with her. Why? Because for me the question of who is financing her is immaterial. It does not matter if I am paying rent or if DD is. The cost does not go up if she lets someone live with her.

For me, what matters is that she decided to let someone live with her. With me DD, I believe the following things - I have raised her well and she makes good decisions, she wants to invest in this relationship, she is committed to her studies and career, she will confide with me because she is close to me, she will never let some man treat her poorly because she has a loving dad.

My DD is allowed to be generous with others and give a helping hand to her friends and bf, as long as it does not impact more important things in her life.

You must have missed OP's latest post. The spending did go up. OP's DD's "generosity" is taken directly from OP.

No. The rent cost has not gone up. The cost for expensive dinners have gone up. It is quite possible that the guy buys her several nice dinners and every once in a while she pays for a nice dinner. It is a romantic relationship, they are having fun and dining out etc.

OP should care that the BF is loving and kind to her DD and not care if they are eating sushi too often. I am not hearing her say that there are any red flags that she has observed with the guy - he yells at her, she cooks and cleans while he drinks, he cheats on her, he is 15 yrs older than her, he has several baby mamas etc, etc.

So I don't think the focus should be on the slight increase in cost of eating out because that increase is normal. Why? When you are dating and young, your entertainment cost goes up. If OP has any concern, it should be that her DD is happy and safe.

Is the OP financing her DD? Yes, she decided before the BF was in the picture to finance her DD's medical college and she cannot go and change rules now on her DD now. In fact, that will leave her DD more vulnerable and isolated. That does not make sense at all.

I think that the communication channels between OP and her DD is broken because there should have been no reason to post this on DCUM. Instead, OP should talk to her DD and find out what she thinks about the guy.

Yes, she absolutely 100% can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For whatever reason, she feels like if she isn’t generous - she won’t have men she likes. I say this as someone who felt the same way when I was young. I am not sure if it’s something with self esteem, or just generally a personality of a people pleaser who feels they won’t be loved if they don’t behave?
That’s where I would dig. But she may well be the product of your upbringing, so maybe it’s better if a professional handles it.

Or maybe she is really into this guy.

Yes, but why is into someone like that?! A decent guy would contribute or even pay the majority of costs