Daughter’s boyfriend taking advantage

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If she is 25 year old and a med student, she must be of average intelligence and maturity. Shouldn’t you trust her judgment? She’ll be making her own money soon so only thing you’ll get out of disputing her judgment is getting alienated. If that guy is staying long term in her life or marrying her, suspecting him isn’t going to sit well.

Even 25-year-old med students and intelligent successful people can have bad judgment. Sounds like this daughter has bad judgment because she is allowing her BF to live off her parents instead of asking him to pay his share.

Divorce rate among physicians is quite high in general and surprisingly high in psychiatrists.

[Anonymous]

When's the wedding?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For whatever reason, she feels like if she isn’t generous - she won’t have men she likes. I say this as someone who felt the same way when I was young. I am not sure if it’s something with self esteem, or just generally a personality of a people pleaser who feels they won’t be loved if they don’t behave?
That’s where I would dig. But she may well be the product of your upbringing, so maybe it’s better if a professional handles it.

Or maybe she is really into this guy.

Yes, but why is into someone like that?! A decent guy would contribute or even pay the majority of costs

Those are the old days. Surely you would not be saying the same if the genders were reversed?

[Anonymous]

Why are you paying a 25 year old’s bills?

At that age at most pay the tuition. She can work and support herself. Most grad programs are set up so you can work as well.

Don’t make it about the guy. Make it about cutting the apron strings with the daughter. If she wants to support a loser, that’s her path in life and her mistake to learn from.

[Anonymous]

Why would you continue to pay her bills directly? This is so unbelievably infantilizing and odd.

Give her a monthly amount if you want to help her and completely stay out of how she’s spending it. She should be paying all her own bills and managing her own budget.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For whatever reason, she feels like if she isn’t generous - she won’t have men she likes. I say this as someone who felt the same way when I was young. I am not sure if it’s something with self esteem, or just generally a personality of a people pleaser who feels they won’t be loved if they don’t behave?
That’s where I would dig. But she may well be the product of your upbringing, so maybe it’s better if a professional handles it.

Or maybe she is really into this guy.

The guy is not into her. He is into the fact that he has a free place to stay and someone else taking him out to dinner. OP said in her first (only? Has OP been back at all?) post that the guy goes out several nights a week without the daughter.
Posters here keep saying "if they get married..." This guy is not going to marry OP's daughter!

[Anonymous]

My DS has graduated from medical school. I paid all his living expenses and he has loans for tuition. The major difference I see that my DS had 2 roommates the entire 4 years which cut down on ALL his expenses. Please understand that your DD is very fortunate that you are paying for it all! From what I have seen, she is in rare air to have it all paid for. I agree with the others that she should be managing her expenses, not you.

[Anonymous]

Give her half of the expenses. Why are YOU helping him buy a house?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For whatever reason, she feels like if she isn’t generous - she won’t have men she likes. I say this as someone who felt the same way when I was young. I am not sure if it’s something with self esteem, or just generally a personality of a people pleaser who feels they won’t be loved if they don’t behave?
That’s where I would dig. But she may well be the product of your upbringing, so maybe it’s better if a professional handles it.

Or maybe she is really into this guy.

Yes, but why is into someone like that?! A decent guy would contribute or even pay the majority of costs

Those are the old days. Surely you would not be saying the same if the genders were reversed?

NP. In 2022, both parties in the relationship need to contribute SOMETHING. Groceries, some trips, half on the water bill, *something*. OP - look up hobosexuals. They are hard to get rid of. I would keep supporting her, and let her know that if/when she needs your help, you are there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For whatever reason, she feels like if she isn’t generous - she won’t have men she likes. I say this as someone who felt the same way when I was young. I am not sure if it’s something with self esteem, or just generally a personality of a people pleaser who feels they won’t be loved if they don’t behave?
That’s where I would dig. But she may well be the product of your upbringing, so maybe it’s better if a professional handles it.

Or maybe she is really into this guy.

Yes, but why is into someone like that?! A decent guy would contribute or even pay the majority of costs

Those are the old days. Surely you would not be saying the same if the genders were reversed?

NP. In 2022, both parties in the relationship need to contribute SOMETHING. Groceries, some trips, half on the water bill, *something*. OP - look up hobosexuals. They are hard to get rid of. I would keep supporting her, and let her know that if/when she needs your help, you are there.

Yes, you hit the nail on the head! Op's daughter's "boyfriend" is a hobosexual. That is what "happened" to his last living situation--the previous girl finally wised up and kicked him out! Did your daughter ever actually see or visit him at the last situation? I'm guessing no--because it was with another woman. When he lived with that previous woman, he was probably "going out all the time without her" to see your daughter (setting up his next potential living arrangement for when the woman inevitably kicked him out.) He's learned to always have someone "waiting in the wings" to take him in.

[Anonymous]

OP, what’s his educational, professional and family background? That should give some insight.

[Anonymous]

You don’t have to give exact details here to keep your privacy but change it a bit to give us some idea of his personality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why would you continue to pay her bills directly? This is so unbelievably infantilizing and odd.

Give her a monthly amount if you want to help her and completely stay out of how she’s spending it. She should be paying all her own bills and managing her own budget.

OP I suggest you take this advice. This has nothing to do with the boyfriend. I'd be alarmed if I knew my recent med school grad doctor wasn't yet managing their own money (be it earned or given). It would signal of lack of maturity, judgment, and decision-making skills, all of which are important in a doctor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For whatever reason, she feels like if she isn’t generous - she won’t have men she likes. I say this as someone who felt the same way when I was young. I am not sure if it’s something with self esteem, or just generally a personality of a people pleaser who feels they won’t be loved if they don’t behave?
That’s where I would dig. But she may well be the product of your upbringing, so maybe it’s better if a professional handles it.

Or maybe she is really into this guy.

The guy is not into her. He is into the fact that he has a free place to stay and someone else taking him out to dinner. OP said in her first (only? Has OP been back at all?) post that the guy goes out several nights a week without the daughter.
Posters here keep saying "if they get married..." This guy is not going to marry OP's daughter!

No OP said she heard third hand from the parent of OP’s best friend. OP really has no clue what is happening.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For whatever reason, she feels like if she isn’t generous - she won’t have men she likes. I say this as someone who felt the same way when I was young. I am not sure if it’s something with self esteem, or just generally a personality of a people pleaser who feels they won’t be loved if they don’t behave?
That’s where I would dig. But she may well be the product of your upbringing, so maybe it’s better if a professional handles it.

Or maybe she is really into this guy.

The guy is not into her. He is into the fact that he has a free place to stay and someone else taking him out to dinner. OP said in her first (only? Has OP been back at all?) post that the guy goes out several nights a week without the daughter.
Posters here keep saying "if they get married..." This guy is not going to marry OP's daughter!

No OP said she heard third hand from the parent of OP’s best friend. OP really has no clue what is happening.

The best friend has no reason to lie to her parents and the parents have no reason to lie to OP.

If OP has no clue what is happening, it's because she is intentionally keeping herself in the dark. I am a random internet stranger and I can clearly see what is happening.