Icing on the Cake

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is fidelity important to you or are you pretty chill about that too? If not there are tons of careers where the guy is away a lot — whether that leads to you two growing apart and him seeking other places to get his needs met is a risk, though.

Thanks for the comment! I’ve thought about this to some degree. Unless we agreed to be monogamous, I’d be totally fine with a partner meeting their needs elsewhere. Perhaps a cohabitation situation where the guy himself would like a nuclear family, but to still have some free reign to sleep with other women. The greatest concern here though would be if he leaves the family for another woman and breaks up a stable situation. I’m certainly open to discussing this and the various nuances with a potential partner should it come up. As long as communication, openness, honesty, and respect are there, I can see other view points and consider different perspectives as it relates to this potential.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, there are very few men your age who would be interested in building a relationship that will reduce, rather than increase, access to sex. Few childless men want to give up fathering children biologically, but be compelled to help raise offspring to whom they are not genetically related. The truth of your life has given you the answer to your question. I think you should remain open to love but not actively seek it out. Your time is better spent in other ways.

Agree wholeheartedly with this.

[Anonymous]

I don’t think you need to focus on dating but if you do, I agree with PPs that you might want to at least explore the asexual community.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Fostering teenagers is a huge challenge and something you will likely find extremely challenging if you have younger, biological children in the home. Also, there are sometimes safety concerns with that age difference. I am not blaming the foster children specifically for their difficult upbringings, but it can create issues.

Also, I have a friend who wanted to be a single mom and adopted a the 10-year old boy from foster care. She has a reliable income and supportive family. The one child nearly broke her, but everything is as ok as it can be now ten years later.

As far as a relationship goes, if you meet "the one" you won't have any hangups. Just don't force yourself into a relationship because you sense it is a convenient time or a means to an end.

Thank you for sharing your friends experience! I do understand that there will be some concerns with younger children in the along with one or more foster teenagers. I can only think about best and worst case scenarios at this time, and how I might resolve them, but thought exercises certainly won’t prepare me for the reality of it.

I still haven’t sorted out if I want to start off with fostering a teenager or two, and seeing how it goes before bringing an infant into the mix, or if I should start off with having my biological children first and then, at some point in time, fostering. There will be different challenges to both, but I’m sort of leaning towards the former because I want to start helping children and teenagers in the system ASAP. However, I don’t want to rush it. I want to be in the best condition possible to take on these varied challenges. I know it will be a learning process as one goes along, and not all issues may be readily available when a child comes into a foster home - new or different issues may come to light with time, and those will have to be addressed. But I think my base nature is capable of handling this uncertainty and high potential for changing difficulties. I will also research and seek out resources to help myself and the child(ren) I foster address these challenges in appropriate ways.

I still have time to sort things out, and the information and advice I’ve received from you and others is helpful in piecing this all together. Thanks again! 😄

[Anonymous]

What job will you have where you can support teenagers, and pay of what I assume is a significant amount of student debt, and live in NYC? Or if not NYC, will your phD support a quality of life in flyover country?

It sounds like you have your life plan already going with quite a bit momentum and it’d be incredibly difficult to change direction at this point. You embarked on a path many years ago with desires and specific outcomes, where clearly a man was not considered at the beginning. You can’t just jam a man in at the end. The man you think you want is incredibly rare, like .00001% of the male population.

It’d be better for you to stick with being alone and figure out your life as you architechted it. You haven’t gotten your real job yet and you’re worrying about some imaginary traveling man to foster troubled 17 year olds with!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP. You are the cake. You're very sure of what you want. That's good. Whether it will actually look like that remains to be seen, but that's for the future to decide. I wouldn't stop dating, but I'd say that if you're sure about raising/having kids and have the community and resources to do so, do it. Whether that's fostering, IVF, etc. The odds of meeting a guy for whom your well-thought out plans work is low; not meeting the guy per se, but having him fit into this plan. So do your thing. If you're happy and thriving, relationships are more likely to come. And if they don't? You're living the life you want.

- A single mom by choice who met DH years later

Thank you for sharing your story, and for the encouraging words! I guess I very much do want someone to fit into this mold of a family I want. I know those chances are slim though, especially since I’d like to outright “screen” for guys who either know for certain they’d like to foster/adopt, or would give it some earnest thought. I also feel like I’m on a timeline given my age and stage of life, and would like to start on my family aspiration within the next 2 years or so.

I’ll continue to date in earnest, and be open and honest about what I want family-wise. If something comes of it, awesome! If not, and I have time to meet or date guys as I move through life as I start a family, and foster/adopt, equally awesome.

Thanks again for the advice! 🥰

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it will be difficult to find someone who’s both up for fostering kids and have a partner with a low sex drive. I suggest you try to join groups or apps for asexual people( I’m sure there must be some.

Thank you for your comment! I actually did try an app or two geared towards aesexuals a couple years ago. Sadly the apps were mostly dead at the time I checked them out - I suppose past their prime, and the pandemic probably didn’t help. But no harm in trying again, and seeing if new apps and/or resources have popped up since I last checked!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you are the perfect candidate for being a single mom by choice. I would just say (1) don't do it if you're over 45 because it's not fair to make your poor child care of you when they are supposed to be in the prime of their life and (2) make sure your village really does intend to help you. I know two single moms by choice and both of them live with their parents - so grandma, grandpa, single mom, toddler.

Thank you for your comment! 🙃 Yes, I will definitely start early, as I likewise think it would be unfair for a young adult to have to step into that role when they should be enjoying life. My siblings have all explicitly said they’d be willing to help out, and some close friends as well (they currently have no desire for children themselves). I wouldn’t take advantage of that/overburden any of them though, and will employ help where and when needed to put us all in the best possible position for success.

[Anonymous]

I don’t think you’re going to find a man who wants to play second fiddle to your lofty life goals. Consider a different route.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you are asexual. There are communities for that. Do you think you are asexual? If so, you may want to talk with others like you to find out how they thought about and resolved issues of partnership/marriage.

Also, you sound awesome and I think you should go ahead with your plans for parenting.

Thank you for your comment! Yes, I do think I’m aesexual. Nothing really “froths my loins”, so to speak, 😂. While I’ve dabbled in a couple of dating apps geared towards aesexuals, they were pretty dead by the time I joined. But I think your advice to reach out and speak to others in the community about how they came to terms with themselves, family aspirations, and other related matters is spot on! I know there’s a subreddit for this group, so I’ll go peruse topics there, and start a thread myself if I need more answers or different perspectives.

Thanks again for your advice and encouragement! You and other PPs are quiet awesome yourselves to have read my “novel” (yes, this is even a running joke amongst myself and my family/friends, lol) and provided kind and helpful feedback. Much obliged! 😀

[Anonymous]

Congratulations on defending your dissertation. I know what a bear that process can be. Honestly, I think you need to wait to get out of grad school to reassess. PhD programs are emotionally constipating. Myself and many of my friends found that when we finished and got jobs, some in academia and some in other fields, our lives and even our personalities changed quite a bit. Being in school makes it hard to see how the future is going to unfold, but after school you start making the choices that will shape your life - where you will live, what you will do, how you will spend your free time, etc.

Focus on finishing and making some decisions about the future and then, when you land, think about the life that you want. You will naturally run into new people in that new life and you might find that you can imagine picking one to make a life with. Or you won’t feel that, and you can pursue a solo life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel like the fact that you’ve never been in a relationship is telling. It doesn’t sound like you want to be in one.

Thanks for your comment! It’s more like I never had much time for them. I’ve been focused on school, work, side hustles, Kung Fu class, hobbies, and volunteering over the last decade+. Throw in my social life with family, friends, and colleagues, and commuting around for all of that - there was never loads of time to get into it since it’s definitely a huge time investment - from the initial dating grind to the actual building of a relationship.

As social and outgoing as I am, I can also be a homebody, so I’d often clash between setting up a date or just staying in and enjoying some down time. I suppose if it’s something I really wanted, I would have made more time for it back then. I’m just trying to take in advice and assess myself more holistically now that I’m at a point in life where I’d like to start a family relatively soon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op you sound like someone who for whatever reason is emotionally walled off from having a deep meaningful emotional relationship with another person and you've basically half heartedly trying but not really. Adoption or single momhood is not a substitute for what you don't have any claim you dont need. Sounds like at some point along the way you just missed the boat. I wouldthink you should get therapy before considering fostering or adopting because those things aren't a substitute for a relationship with an adult partner. Kids are not pets or toys to comfort your loneliness.

Thank you for your comment! I do have really deep and meaningful relationships, they’re just with family members, friends, and children, and aren’t of the romantic sort. I’m not seeking to have children and foster/adopt to fulfill some deep seated lack of emotional relationships. I’m aiming to do so because I actually like children, want children, and also want to help children who already exist out in this world and are in the system through no fault of their own. The last thing I am is lonely, and I’m really happy with my life right now, and the aspirations I have for my future, come what may.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like the fact that you’ve never been in a relationship is telling. It doesn’t sound like you want to be in one.

Thanks for your comment! It’s more like I never had much time for them. I’ve been focused on school, work, side hustles, Kung Fu class, hobbies, and volunteering over the last decade+. Throw in my social life with family, friends, and colleagues, and commuting around for all of that - there was never loads of time to get into it since it’s definitely a huge time investment - from the initial dating grind to the actual building of a relationship.

As social and outgoing as I am, I can also be a homebody, so I’d often clash between setting up a date or just staying in and enjoying some down time. I suppose if it’s something I really wanted, I would have made more time for it back then. I’m just trying to take in advice and assess myself more holistically now that I’m at a point in life where I’d like to start a family relatively soon.

NP. Are you a virgin? You seem to have lots of excuses for not having any romantic relationships which is fine but you come across as quite defensive. It’s clear you’re talking yourself out of it. You don’t really want one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, there are very few men your age who would be interested in building a relationship that will reduce, rather than increase, access to sex. Few childless men want to give up fathering children biologically, but be compelled to help raise offspring to whom they are not genetically related. The truth of your life has given you the answer to your question. I think you should remain open to love but not actively seek it out. Your time is better spent in other ways.

Thank you for your comment, and shedding some truthful reality! Yes, I know my prospects are low given the nature of most men, and that’s okay. I’m willing to compromise with frequency of sex - although being willing and what actually plays out are two different things. I just wish it’d be easier to find those men who would like to foster/adopt as well. I know they exist somewhere, if only few and far between. Perhaps male childcare workers 🤔. Your comment has sparked an idea of where I may find some success as it relates to the fostering/adopting avenue. I’ll continue to remain open, but will also focus where I need to focus for myself as you’ve advised. Much appreciated! 😄