Icing on the Cake

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She's a highly intelligent bio-medical researcher with a PhD. People like OP are often a little quirky. Can be exasperating for average Joes who don't have the intelligence to relate. She has plans and wants to do great things with her life. So be nice.

OP, I wanted to mention that I know a woman (she's not asexual but divorced) who started up a cooperative living situation with a couple other single moms, they share a home and the child care responsibilities. They say it's working out great. Might be an idea to explore.

Thanks for your comment! And thanks for being nice yourself!

What your friend did actually sounds really amazing! I can certainly see myself in a situation like that. I’ll look into it - see if something like this already exists in my area. I’m not opposed to starting something like this myself too down the line. Something certainly worth considering that I haven’t heard of before. Thanks again for sharing! 😄

[Anonymous]

OP I have a friend not dissimilar to you, who lives in Los Angeles. She decided to have a child on her own, age 40 before it was biologically more challenging and did so via IVF and an anonymous donor. And her kid is now in HS and they have a great relationship, there are uncles and aunts and cousins, grandparents (one set) all nearby and it works for them.

I don't think you need a partner, unless you happen to come across someone organically who you get along with. Not everyone does.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, there are very few men your age who would be interested in building a relationship that will reduce, rather than increase, access to sex. Few childless men want to give up fathering children biologically, but be compelled to help raise offspring to whom they are not genetically related. The truth of your life has given you the answer to your question. I think you should remain open to love but not actively seek it out. Your time is better spent in other ways.

Thank you for your comment, and shedding some truthful reality! Yes, I know my prospects are low given the nature of most men, and that’s okay. I’m willing to compromise with frequency of sex - although being willing and what actually plays out are two different things. I just wish it’d be easier to find those men who would like to foster/adopt as well. I know they exist somewhere, if only few and far between. Perhaps male childcare workers 🤔. Your comment has sparked an idea of where I may find some success as it relates to the fostering/adopting avenue. I’ll continue to remain open, but will also focus where I need to focus for myself as you’ve advised. Much appreciated! 😄

I wish you success in your quest. If you did not grow up with brothers at home, as I did not, you may find the reality of the expectations of women many "good" men have very surprising. Many of us married DCUM posters are reeling at how casually male partners put themselves and their needs first, even after children are born. A division of labor that seems patently unfair is often the baseline expectation. I have posted elsewhere that female breadwinners with SAH partners actually do a greater percentage of domestic work than SAHMs or than working women married to working men. There is so much acrimony inherent in modern marriage that you seem to have found what may be a better path.

[Anonymous]

You need a job and you will probably need to make much more money than your PhD allows for. I hope you didn’t take out loans. You have a long way to go to sort yourself out before you can think of caring for others. The fact that you are worrying about all this when you should be focused on kicking off your career and becoming financially secure suggests you are not thinking clearly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She's a highly intelligent bio-medical researcher with a PhD. People like OP are often a little quirky. Can be exasperating for average Joes who don't have the intelligence to relate. She has plans and wants to do great things with her life. So be nice.

OP, I wanted to mention that I know a woman (she's not asexual but divorced) who started up a cooperative living situation with a couple other single moms, they share a home and the child care responsibilities. They say it's working out great. Might be an idea to explore.

Well, I think that’s the point. One can’t ask for perspective then get offended when some people’s perspective is that she’s so quirky it seems affected, annoying and off putting to most men.

[Anonymous]

OP - I think your plan sounds good now, but you should consider that as you and your friends age, more and more of them will have families of their own and the support you think you'll have for more than a decade will subside. Also, you mention that you get your social needs met through friends. That, too, will subside. I'm an introvert but need minimal socialization. I found that as I got older, my friends were getting married and most had kids. Their social needs were being met for the most part by their spouses and kids (and moms of their kids) and we saw less and less of each other.

While I applaud you for thinking this way, you should look at long term strategies that will give you your "village" for helping you with your family and continue to meet your social needs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, there are very few men your age who would be interested in building a relationship that will reduce, rather than increase, access to sex. Few childless men want to give up fathering children biologically, but be compelled to help raise offspring to whom they are not genetically related. The truth of your life has given you the answer to your question. I think you should remain open to love but not actively seek it out. Your time is better spent in other ways.

Thank you for your comment, and shedding some truthful reality! Yes, I know my prospects are low given the nature of most men, and that’s okay. I’m willing to compromise with frequency of sex - although being willing and what actually plays out are two different things. I just wish it’d be easier to find those men who would like to foster/adopt as well. I know they exist somewhere, if only few and far between. Perhaps male childcare workers 🤔. Your comment has sparked an idea of where I may find some success as it relates to the fostering/adopting avenue. I’ll continue to remain open, but will also focus where I need to focus for myself as you’ve advised. Much appreciated! 😄

This is going to sound dark, but you will need to be VERY careful that any man looking to be a foster parent and partnered with someone with a low/non-existent sex drive is not a pedophile seeking access to children!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Either (i) you come off as a complete lunatic in person, laughing constantly and at inappropriate times, or (ii) you have no earthly idea what lol means.

Also, repeated use of emojis is the sign of a 15 yo.

I don’t know about that, but she seems overly eager to come off as a happy, well-adjusted and fulfilled person. I used to do the same thing when I was single and alone, kind of a self-defense mechanism about how UNfufilled (miserable) I was with certain aspects of my life.

It also reminds me of when people call into dating streams and parrot all of the “correct” answers back to the host. Well if you have all the answers, how come your present dating life actually sucks?

She sounds like 90% of my friends and colleagues with PhDs, in that they spend too much time living in their heads, and need to get out and experience life in general.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Either (i) you come off as a complete lunatic in person, laughing constantly and at inappropriate times, or (ii) you have no earthly idea what lol means.

Also, repeated use of emojis is the sign of a 15 yo.

I don’t know about that, but she seems overly eager to come off as a happy, well-adjusted and fulfilled person. I used to do the same thing when I was single and alone, kind of a self-defense mechanism about how UNfufilled (miserable) I was with certain aspects of my life.

It also reminds me of when people call into dating streams and parrot all of the “correct” answers back to the host. Well if you have all the answers, how come your present dating life actually sucks?

Bingo. OP is in lala land and is trying to insert an imaginary man into the hypothetical life she doesn’t have yet. Maybe back off a bit of all your future “goals” and live your life a little day to day.

Eh, this is simply how I write and message in this context. Among my demographic and the people in my circles, we sprinkle in our “lols” here and there. We don’t always literally mean it as laughing out loud, but to also note that something is humorous or to be taken lightly. Not something to majorly analyze, but have at it. When one puts something on a messaging board, one has to be ready to accept all kinds of responses. Alas 🤷🏾‍♀️

In any case, I am actually happy with my life and future goals. The point of starting this thread was to gain perspective on the questions posed in the OP. Many posters have provided great insight, advice, and shared anecdotes, and for that I’m grateful, as it will better inform me going forward as I think about my future and dating prospects.

Not sure why others are so hard pressed to label me as miserable, lonely, maladjusted, etc., and additionally pick apart my messaging style to glean some idea of where I’m mentally at when that’s not the point of this post. But again, to each his/her own. It’s not my job to convince anybody otherwise, so take it for what you will.

OP - I think you sound really great. Like you know yourself, and you know what you want - and what you want is really meaningful and deep. I have no idea if you should try to find a partner or not but it doesn't seem like there's much harm in at least going on the apps, being honest, and seeing what happens.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think you want a partner in the life partner/romantic sense that most people expect. That's FINE -- but you need to be 100% up front and honest about that with anyone that you plan to date. Not fair otherwise.

I think you'd be better off finding someone else like you who is interested in a non-romantic non-sexual partnership to raise children. I don't think you should automatically assume that person will be a man, either.

Thank you for your comment! Yes, I understand that, and have always been honest, upfront, and forethcoming about these family ideals and aspirations of mine with those I’ve gone on dates with, and even sometimes in the initial stages of messaging. I also write it into my bio as well on the dating apps I’ve used/am currently using.

And yes, I’ve considered your later advice as well. I do have a good female friend who’s similar to me - no desire for a relationship. She also doesn’t want children though. So that already got me thinking about having that kind of “relationship.” Someone who’s just fun to live with as a friend and wants to jointly raise and foster/adopt, be they a man or women.

Thanks again for your comment! I’ve still much to consider and think about! 😌

How about a commune?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Congratulations on defending your dissertation. I know what a bear that process can be. Honestly, I think you need to wait to get out of grad school to reassess. PhD programs are emotionally constipating. Myself and many of my friends found that when we finished and got jobs, some in academia and some in other fields, our lives and even our personalities changed quite a bit. Being in school makes it hard to see how the future is going to unfold, but after school you start making the choices that will shape your life - where you will live, what you will do, how you will spend your free time, etc.

Focus on finishing and making some decisions about the future and then, when you land, think about the life that you want. You will naturally run into new people in that new life and you might find that you can imagine picking one to make a life with. Or you won’t feel that, and you can pursue a solo life.

Another PhD here. Don’t make big life decisions while trying to finish your dissertation. It’s a time that messes with your head. Maybe you will want to be a single mom, but you shouldn’t do it right now. Finish your degree and settle into your “real” life before you make any decisions. Grad school is such an artificial environment with its own stresses, but it is very different than the working world.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Congratulations on defending your dissertation. I know what a bear that process can be. Honestly, I think you need to wait to get out of grad school to reassess. PhD programs are emotionally constipating. Myself and many of my friends found that when we finished and got jobs, some in academia and some in other fields, our lives and even our personalities changed quite a bit. Being in school makes it hard to see how the future is going to unfold, but after school you start making the choices that will shape your life - where you will live, what you will do, how you will spend your free time, etc.

Focus on finishing and making some decisions about the future and then, when you land, think about the life that you want. You will naturally run into new people in that new life and you might find that you can imagine picking one to make a life with. Or you won’t feel that, and you can pursue a solo life.

Thank you for your comment and advice! Yes, that’s a good point as well. My life experience has largely been in the school setting, with a 5 year gap to nanny and work as a research technician. Perhaps it is best to wait and see where I’m at once I’m finished with grad school and settled into a career. I’m confident I want to foster/adopt, but the life change from grad school to career work perhaps will change my outlook on other matters and ways to achieve the things I want. Particularly how much I may actually start off making, and considerations about saving for a home, etc.

Thanks again for sharing your experience!

[Anonymous]

Are you ugly and overweight?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Either (i) you come off as a complete lunatic in person, laughing constantly and at inappropriate times, or (ii) you have no earthly idea what lol means.

Also, repeated use of emojis is the sign of a 15 yo.

I don’t know about that, but she seems overly eager to come off as a happy, well-adjusted and fulfilled person. I used to do the same thing when I was single and alone, kind of a self-defense mechanism about how UNfufilled (miserable) I was with certain aspects of my life.

It also reminds me of when people call into dating streams and parrot all of the “correct” answers back to the host. Well if you have all the answers, how come your present dating life actually sucks?

Bingo. OP is in lala land and is trying to insert an imaginary man into the hypothetical life she doesn’t have yet. Maybe back off a bit of all your future “goals” and live your life a little day to day.

Eh, this is simply how I write and message in this context. Among my demographic and the people in my circles, we sprinkle in our “lols” here and there. We don’t always literally mean it as laughing out loud, but to also note that something is humorous or to be taken lightly. Not something to majorly analyze, but have at it. When one puts something on a messaging board, one has to be ready to accept all kinds of responses. Alas 🤷🏾‍♀️

In any case, I am actually happy with my life and future goals. The point of starting this thread was to gain perspective on the questions posed in the OP. Many posters have provided great insight, advice, and shared anecdotes, and for that I’m grateful, as it will better inform me going forward as I think about my future and dating prospects.

Not sure why others are so hard pressed to label me as miserable, lonely, maladjusted, etc., and additionally pick apart my messaging style to glean some idea of where I’m mentally at when that’s not the point of this post. But again, to each his/her own. It’s not my job to convince anybody otherwise, so take it for what you will.

I have no idea if you are the bolded. But, based solely on your posts here, I know you're annoying AF, which is going to impact your likelihood of finding a partner far more than your self-proclaimed ambivalence.

I’m not sure where you’re getting that from. You’re welcome to that opinion though.

[
DP. Ignore the name-callers on here, OP. No need to respond to them. They come to these threads just to bash OPs. They're the kind of posters who bash you for a long and detailed description of your situation, but also would bash any OP who didn't provide what they deem enough details, and would "call troll" on those PPs for not writing enough.

Thanks PP! I’m glad I’ve gotten more helpful responses from many other PPs. I’ve definitely observed this kind of behavior on other posts, so I wasn’t thrown by these responses. Modestly annoyed and humored by them though 😂

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I have a friend not dissimilar to you, who lives in Los Angeles. She decided to have a child on her own, age 40 before it was biologically more challenging and did so via IVF and an anonymous donor. And her kid is now in HS and they have a great relationship, there are uncles and aunts and cousins, grandparents (one set) all nearby and it works for them.

I don't think you need a partner, unless you happen to come across someone organically who you get along with. Not everyone does.

Thank you for your comment, and for sharing your friend’s experience! It’s encouraging to see how others have navigated this, and what’s worked. Family seems to be a key player here, in addition to other forms of support and help. Thankfully I do have a big family, and while I’m Not outright expecting everyone to provide support/help, they’ll certainly be around for family events and activities and bonding as we currently are.

This thread has really given me some great perspective. Thanks again! 🙃