Icing on the Cake

[Anonymous]

Hey everyone! 😀

This is going to be a long post, so either strap yourself in, or skip to the end as you see fit. Looking to gather some general advice. 🙃

I’m a 32F living in NYC (born and raised). I’ve never really been super interested in having a partner apart from a family standpoint, and I’ve never been in a serious/long-term romantic relationship. I’ve had my fair share of attractions over the years to classmates and colleagues, so I know what it is for me to really like someone, and it’s largely based on an affinity for their personality that grows with time and shared experiences (yea, pretty typical, I know, lol).

I’ve dabbled in online dating (OLD) since my mid-twenties. I’ve used several different apps/websites, and often did a paid 6 month or yearly subscription. I’ve gone on one or more dates with a few guys over the years, but nothing serious has come of anything.

To be fair, I’d often take long gaps between signing onto the app and either actively searching for folks to message, or responding to current messages and matches. Even if I spent a good bit of money to sign up, I’d generally get lazy with it a few weeks in, and use them sparingly in bursts of activity 😅. I’d also often be the one to stop seeing a guy after a date or two because I wasn’t feeling the person.

Now that I’m getting to the end of my PhD training - hoping to defend and be out within this year, or by/before April 2023 - I’ve decided to give myself one last proper go to find a partner, and will be more consistent about it.

I want to get some perspective on a few things though, so any advice, suggestions, or resources anyone can offer would be kindly appreciated!

The thing about me is that I’m entirely satisfied and fulfilled by the current family, friend, and school/work relationships in my life, along with the voluntary work I do, and I’ve never felt I needed a partner to fulfill any unmet physical, sexual (I have a low or non-existent sex drive 🤷🏾‍♀️😂), mental, emotional, or social needs. I’m just super happy with my life and who I am, and have felt this way for years. This is in large part a reason for why I’ve always been so nonchalant about dating and finding a partner.

I want to spend a significant part of my life fostering and adopting - particularly teenagers and young adults since they’re a neglected demographic - i.e. most people who go into foster care understandably prefer to foster/adopt babies and younger children. I also want to have some biological children (2-4… I used to want 10 when I was young and naive, lol).

I’m perfectly fine with doing all of this as a single person, and being a single mother. My mom raised me and my 4 siblings pretty much herself, with some help from her parents - they basically took us in and let us live with them when our dad peaced out - so I have some perspective with that. Plus, I’ve cared for children of various ages and in differing capacities since I was 14, including full-time nannying, so I’m extremely comfortable and confident with children and teenagers.

I’m great with caring for children, time management, organization, handling finances, etc., traits that are essential for building and managing a peaceful household, and I have additional characteristics and skills that will make me a good foster parent as well to teenagers and young adults. I already did the certification classes, so I’m well aware of what I’d be getting myself into from a knowledge standpoint, although time will really tell. But I’ve got some hefty resilience and I’m adaptable, so I don’t see myself as ever giving up on this or on a foster child/teen.

So basically I see myself as being able to do all of this on my own, with some family help of course - my siblings and I are close, and are good about supporting each other in different ways (e.g. I watch my niece and nephew a lot, buy them essential items, we all chip in to help financially or otherwise when a sibling or family member has an event or something, etc.), so I have my village, inclusive of awesome friends. I know it won’t be easy, and it won’t be cheap (children are expensive, lol), but that’s perfectly fine by me, and I have the mettle and personality for it.

Basically, having a partner - someone who’s a best friend and shares my values and desire to foster/adopt - would be the icing on the cake. So I’m grappling with if it’s really worth going through the dating grind and work of building a relationship since I already have the cake - or rather I am the cake, lol.

Sometimes I feel like it wouldn’t be fair to outrightly deprive my prospective biological children of a traditional father, since I do think having that fatherly, male influence is great, and I lacked that for myself growing up, although I never bore any significant regrets about it. Plus, my dad came back into our lives nearly a decade ago and we’ve all been cool.

To add, I really like being in my own space, and I commiserate with Whoopi Goldberg’s “I don’t want anybody in my house,” statement - kids would be totally fine of course, lol. Another reason why dating/finding a partner has been a low priority thing for me.

Nevertheless, I feel I should make an effort during my last year or so of grad school. Once I’m out and start on my career - which should bring in a good entry level salary - I’m going to begin a family one way or another. So I figured I’d use this year as a last hurrah effort to see if I can find that icing for my cake.

So here are my questions:

-Do you think it’s worth it for me to invest time and effort into finding a partner, given the deep seated feelings and mentality I have about my independence, fulfillment, and ability to raise and foster children on my own?

-What dating app(s) would be the best to try/get back on? Or perhaps another method. I’m very clear on my profile about what I’m looking for relationship and family-wise. I always write a solid bio (although in my experience most guys gloss over or don’t even read it 🤦🏾‍♀️), and I’m an open book when it comes to answering questions because I don’t have time to waste - mine or another’s.

-How many guys are actually open to fostering and adopting? Where can I find these men? 🤔

-I had a couple of recent experiences with scammers posing to be military men. Although the experiences themselves aren’t anything to write home about, and they wasted a minuscule amount of my time, it got me thinking about dating/marrying a soldier.

The biggest pro here, as it relates to what I envision as a “dream life,” would be the potential for them to be deployed here and there so that I can get that periodic time alone (in a lengthier sense). Idk if that’s mean to say, but… yea, just being honest with myself, lol. However, I won’t be able to move around a lot because of the obligation I’ll have to the foster care program, so I’m not sure if an active military guy would work for this reason.

That said, in addition to military men, what other career types may be good to perhaps preference/focus on?

Of course if I find someone I’m cool with who’s always home in a more common sense, I won’t resent him for that. It’s more like the ideal vs a reality I’d be comfortable with if it’s with the right person.

Overall I’m a pretty chill person, and I understand that a strong relationship is built by great communication, honesty, and an ability to respect and compromise within boundaries, and this goes for all kinds of relationships. I’m just about the least dramatic person on this planet, lol. I just want to live life and be happy and have those around me be happy too and make foster children/teens/young adults happy as well before we all meet our end. 🙃

[Anonymous]

I think people like you are so used to being alone that they don’t make great partners and do better alone. That said, 1) if you are on the pill try going off it and seeing what happens to your libido 2) find a therapist to see if this is what you really want vs a defense and 3) realize that if you ever plan to have a biological child your ability to do it alone is severely compromised in the initial stages. It is not like adopting and older child 4) adopted and foster kids often have extraordinary needs that can be extraordinarily demanding of time, money and emotional resources that are unlike what you may be used to think you can handle with your developed skills.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think people like you are so used to being alone that they don’t make great partners and do better alone. That said, 1) if you are on the pill try going off it and seeing what happens to your libido 2) find a therapist to see if this is what you really want vs a defense and 3) realize that if you ever plan to have a biological child your ability to do it alone is severely compromised in the initial stages. It is not like adopting and older child 4) adopted and foster kids often have extraordinary needs that can be extraordinarily demanding of time, money and emotional resources that are unlike what you may be used to think you can handle with your developed skills.

Thanks for commenting! To address your points in turn:

1. I’ve never been on birth control, so I’m just naturally this way.

2. I suppose this is reasonable, and I can look into it. I guess I’m used to being sure of myself and what I want, and haven’t regretted any of my life decisions thus far. But still, consulting an expert would provide another perspective.

3. I’ve weighed the pros and cons of it. I’m not expecting it to be easy, even with the experience I have. Every infant and child is different, and it’s certainly possible that I may end up with a more difficult child. However, I’m willing to take that bet if it comes to it, and just taking things day by day.

4. I’ve learned about all of this during the foster care class, and I know that the actual reality of it all will be major. However, this is something I really want to do. People are needed for this role, and I want to be one of them. With older teens/young adults, the goal isn’t to replace their parents/family - even with younger kids the goal is reunification with their biological family. I’d just like to be another source of support in preparing them to take on the world. I’ll work within my means, but it’s not something I plan to outright give up on due to the challenge.

Thanks again for your advice! 😀

[Anonymous]

Is fidelity important to you or are you pretty chill about that too? If not there are tons of careers where the guy is away a lot — whether that leads to you two growing apart and him seeking other places to get his needs met is a risk, though.

[Anonymous]

Fostering teenagers is a huge challenge and something you will likely find extremely challenging if you have younger, biological children in the home. Also, there are sometimes safety concerns with that age difference. I am not blaming the foster children specifically for their difficult upbringings, but it can create issues.

Also, I have a friend who wanted to be a single mom and adopted a the 10-year old boy from foster care. She has a reliable income and supportive family. The one child nearly broke her, but everything is as ok as it can be now ten years later.

As far as a relationship goes, if you meet "the one" you won't have any hangups. Just don't force yourself into a relationship because you sense it is a convenient time or a means to an end.

[Anonymous]

NP. You are the cake. You're very sure of what you want. That's good. Whether it will actually look like that remains to be seen, but that's for the future to decide. I wouldn't stop dating, but I'd say that if you're sure about raising/having kids and have the community and resources to do so, do it. Whether that's fostering, IVF, etc. The odds of meeting a guy for whom your well-thought out plans work is low; not meeting the guy per se, but having him fit into this plan. So do your thing. If you're happy and thriving, relationships are more likely to come. And if they don't? You're living the life you want.

- A single mom by choice who met DH years later

[Anonymous]

I think it will be difficult to find someone who’s both up for fostering kids and have a partner with a low sex drive. I suggest you try to join groups or apps for asexual people( I’m sure there must be some.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you are the perfect candidate for being a single mom by choice. I would just say (1) don't do it if you're over 45 because it's not fair to make your poor child care of you when they are supposed to be in the prime of their life and (2) make sure your village really does intend to help you. I know two single moms by choice and both of them live with their parents - so grandma, grandpa, single mom, toddler.

[Anonymous]

Find an editor. Marry him, sight unseen.

[Anonymous]

I came here to simply say: I didn’t read a word of that novel.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you are asexual. There are communities for that. Do you think you are asexual? If so, you may want to talk with others like you to find out how they thought about and resolved issues of partnership/marriage.

Also, you sound awesome and I think you should go ahead with your plans for parenting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Find an editor. Marry him, sight unseen.

😂

[Anonymous]

I feel like the fact that you’ve never been in a relationship is telling. It doesn’t sound like you want to be in one.

[Anonymous]

Op you sound like someone who for whatever reason is emotionally walled off from having a deep meaningful emotional relationship with another person and you've basically half heartedly trying but not really. Adoption or single momhood is not a substitute for what you don't have any claim you dont need. Sounds like at some point along the way you just missed the boat. I wouldthink you should get therapy before considering fostering or adopting because those things aren't a substitute for a relationship with an adult partner. Kids are not pets or toys to comfort your loneliness.

[Anonymous]

OP, there are very few men your age who would be interested in building a relationship that will reduce, rather than increase, access to sex. Few childless men want to give up fathering children biologically, but be compelled to help raise offspring to whom they are not genetically related. The truth of your life has given you the answer to your question. I think you should remain open to love but not actively seek it out. Your time is better spent in other ways.