Icing on the Cake

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think you need to focus on dating but if you do, I agree with PPs that you might want to at least explore the asexual community.

Thank you for your comment! Yes, I will look into the community again as you and other PPs have suggested! 🙃

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What job will you have where you can support teenagers, and pay of what I assume is a significant amount of student debt, and live in NYC? Or if not NYC, will your phD support a quality of life in flyover country?

It sounds like you have your life plan already going with quite a bit momentum and it’d be incredibly difficult to change direction at this point. You embarked on a path many years ago with desires and specific outcomes, where clearly a man was not considered at the beginning. You can’t just jam a man in at the end. The man you think you want is incredibly rare, like .00001% of the male population.

It’d be better for you to stick with being alone and figure out your life as you architechted it. You haven’t gotten your real job yet and you’re worrying about some imaginary traveling man to foster troubled 17 year olds with!

Thankfully I have no student loans to pay off. My PhD will be in biomedical science, and I receive a stipend for research, so I currently make a liveable wage. I plan to go into medical/science writing to combine my passion for writing (evidenced here, lol), as well as science. This career prospect will also have more opportunities for remote work and flexible hours - I prefer working early mornings like 5/6AM, but can also work late night hours too. It would be one of the more ideal careers to start a family solo for those reasons.

I do want to stay where I am now, in Brooklyn, because the need for foster parents is great here. Much as I’d love to live someplace closer to nature. My family’s here as well, so that’s another major reason for staying where I’m at for now. I’m not looking to lead a life of luxury - basic comforts and providing for my family will be more than enough for me.

I’ve always had a tendency to move full steam ahead towards what I’ve wanted in life, for better or for worse. I agree that stopping now, and trying to fit a guy into my ideal, would be difficult, if not impossible, especially since I’m not willing to compromise with fostering/adopting.

Gaining perspective from you and others in this thread has been helpful. And yes, I do sometimes dream about that ideal life, like anyone else who dreams about things. But I’m set in reality as is, and trying to gauge things.

Thanks again for your comment!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think you’re going to find a man who wants to play second fiddle to your lofty life goals. Consider a different route.

Thanks for your comment. Fair enough. People have found different routes to happiness for sure, and wether I find a guy who’d like to have the same before I start this or during my course of it, life will come as it comes I suppose.

I’m going to take the advice of some other PPs and just keep myself open, look into other communities, and see what comes of it all with time and effort.

[Anonymous]

Either (i) you come off as a complete lunatic in person, laughing constantly and at inappropriate times, or (ii) you have no earthly idea what lol means.

Also, repeated use of emojis is the sign of a 15 yo.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Either (i) you come off as a complete lunatic in person, laughing constantly and at inappropriate times, or (ii) you have no earthly idea what lol means.

Also, repeated use of emojis is the sign of a 15 yo.

I don’t know about that, but she seems overly eager to come off as a happy, well-adjusted and fulfilled person. I used to do the same thing when I was single and alone, kind of a self-defense mechanism about how UNfufilled (miserable) I was with certain aspects of my life.

It also reminds me of when people call into dating streams and parrot all of the “correct” answers back to the host. Well if you have all the answers, how come your present dating life actually sucks?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Either (i) you come off as a complete lunatic in person, laughing constantly and at inappropriate times, or (ii) you have no earthly idea what lol means.

Also, repeated use of emojis is the sign of a 15 yo.

I don’t know about that, but she seems overly eager to come off as a happy, well-adjusted and fulfilled person. I used to do the same thing when I was single and alone, kind of a self-defense mechanism about how UNfufilled (miserable) I was with certain aspects of my life.

It also reminds me of when people call into dating streams and parrot all of the “correct” answers back to the host. Well if you have all the answers, how come your present dating life actually sucks?

Bingo. OP is in lala land and is trying to insert an imaginary man into the hypothetical life she doesn’t have yet. Maybe back off a bit of all your future “goals” and live your life a little day to day.

[Anonymous]

I don't think you want a partner in the life partner/romantic sense that most people expect. That's FINE -- but you need to be 100% up front and honest about that with anyone that you plan to date. Not fair otherwise.

I think you'd be better off finding someone else like you who is interested in a non-romantic non-sexual partnership to raise children. I don't think you should automatically assume that person will be a man, either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you are asexual. There are communities for that. Do you think you are asexual? If so, you may want to talk with others like you to find out how they thought about and resolved issues of partnership/marriage.

Also, you sound awesome and I think you should go ahead with your plans for parenting.

NP. Not every person for whom sex is not priority No. 1 is asexual. OP said she has low drive. That does not mean that, if she met the right person, her drive wouldn't increase. Some people need to find the whole person who is right for them (not just the sexual side) and engage emotionally in order for their drive to click into gear, and there is nothing wrong, or diagnosable, about that.

(And please don't come back to label the sex and love connection as "demisexual," the currently trendy term for people who actually need an emotional connection to feel sexual attraction. Just stop turning everything on the vast spectrum of attraction into a convenient term that then requires support groups.)

OP, let's get down to basics. You're happy as you are. Icing on the cake is fine, but no one really wants to be someone else's icing; anyone worth being with for the long haul should be someone who wants to be an integral, needed part of your whole life, not merely a nice addition. Can you see the difference, OP? The people you'd attract possibly will be seeing you as their icing, too, and while that could work -- is that also someone who will want to go in, 100 percent, with you on your plans for kids, whether bio or foster? I kind of doubt that.

Your long post indicates, to me, a need to hash things out in your own head before you do the thing that you REALLY are thinking about most--and that is not partnering up. It's kids.

Take the effort and time you would put into dating apps (where people will want and expect sex, to be blunt) and put that energy instead into finding a good therapist -- don't tune me out yet, keep reading -- who specializes in working with single-by-choice parents, if you can find one. Before you take the big step of having or fostering kids, you should do your due diligence and tell an experienced therapist everything you wrote here. I think the partner thing, dating apps, one last stab at finding a partner, etc. is all muddying the water, frankly. You sound like you want to go the single parent route more than you really crave a deeply connected partner. Get it all out with a professional AND work through whether you are realistic in your expectations of single parenthood/fostering. You really must get an objective third party to discuss this with as it will affect kids' lives eventually. Examine your motivations and your own expectations so you are going into any parenthood with open eyes.

I really wonder if on some level you are thinking about finding a partner because it's expected of women your age and stage in life. I think your initial response there is going to be, "Oh, no, I don't care what society thinks of me, I'm the cake," but even the most self-sufficient of us still is aware, on some unspoken level, that partnering up eventually is...what people "do." You seem self-aware about what you do and don't want, which is good, but you also are asking for advice about dating apps. If you're as happy as you say with your life, then drop the pretense of finding icing on the cake (see above: Will an "icing" partner really be up for the commitment to kids the way you're discussing? Will that partner be willing to work with you on a level of sex that's acceptable to you both? Kind of doubt it.)

Proceed with the rest of your life. It is much likelier that you will find a real partner, not a nice-to-have icing on the cake partner, naturally, via your volunteering, shared interests, even through your kids. And if you don't, you sound like you'll be fine. I'd move ahead with what you seem really to want, rather than doing a hail-Mary attempt at dating apps.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Either (i) you come off as a complete lunatic in person, laughing constantly and at inappropriate times, or (ii) you have no earthly idea what lol means.

Also, repeated use of emojis is the sign of a 15 yo.

I don’t know about that, but she seems overly eager to come off as a happy, well-adjusted and fulfilled person. I used to do the same thing when I was single and alone, kind of a self-defense mechanism about how UNfufilled (miserable) I was with certain aspects of my life.

It also reminds me of when people call into dating streams and parrot all of the “correct” answers back to the host. Well if you have all the answers, how come your present dating life actually sucks?

Bingo. OP is in lala land and is trying to insert an imaginary man into the hypothetical life she doesn’t have yet. Maybe back off a bit of all your future “goals” and live your life a little day to day.

Eh, this is simply how I write and message in this context. Among my demographic and the people in my circles, we sprinkle in our “lols” here and there. We don’t always literally mean it as laughing out loud, but to also note that something is humorous or to be taken lightly. Not something to majorly analyze, but have at it. When one puts something on a messaging board, one has to be ready to accept all kinds of responses. Alas 🤷🏾‍♀️

In any case, I am actually happy with my life and future goals. The point of starting this thread was to gain perspective on the questions posed in the OP. Many posters have provided great insight, advice, and shared anecdotes, and for that I’m grateful, as it will better inform me going forward as I think about my future and dating prospects.

Not sure why others are so hard pressed to label me as miserable, lonely, maladjusted, etc., and additionally pick apart my messaging style to glean some idea of where I’m mentally at when that’s not the point of this post. But again, to each his/her own. It’s not my job to convince anybody otherwise, so take it for what you will.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Either (i) you come off as a complete lunatic in person, laughing constantly and at inappropriate times, or (ii) you have no earthly idea what lol means.

Also, repeated use of emojis is the sign of a 15 yo.

I don’t know about that, but she seems overly eager to come off as a happy, well-adjusted and fulfilled person. I used to do the same thing when I was single and alone, kind of a self-defense mechanism about how UNfufilled (miserable) I was with certain aspects of my life.

It also reminds me of when people call into dating streams and parrot all of the “correct” answers back to the host. Well if you have all the answers, how come your present dating life actually sucks?

Bingo. OP is in lala land and is trying to insert an imaginary man into the hypothetical life she doesn’t have yet. Maybe back off a bit of all your future “goals” and live your life a little day to day.

Eh, this is simply how I write and message in this context. Among my demographic and the people in my circles, we sprinkle in our “lols” here and there. We don’t always literally mean it as laughing out loud, but to also note that something is humorous or to be taken lightly. Not something to majorly analyze, but have at it. When one puts something on a messaging board, one has to be ready to accept all kinds of responses. Alas 🤷🏾‍♀️

In any case, I am actually happy with my life and future goals. The point of starting this thread was to gain perspective on the questions posed in the OP. Many posters have provided great insight, advice, and shared anecdotes, and for that I’m grateful, as it will better inform me going forward as I think about my future and dating prospects.

Not sure why others are so hard pressed to label me as miserable, lonely, maladjusted, etc., and additionally pick apart my messaging style to glean some idea of where I’m mentally at when that’s not the point of this post. But again, to each his/her own. It’s not my job to convince anybody otherwise, so take it for what you will.

I have no idea if you are the bolded. But, based solely on your posts here, I know you're annoying AF, which is going to impact your likelihood of finding a partner far more than your self-proclaimed ambivalence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think you want a partner in the life partner/romantic sense that most people expect. That's FINE -- but you need to be 100% up front and honest about that with anyone that you plan to date. Not fair otherwise.

I think you'd be better off finding someone else like you who is interested in a non-romantic non-sexual partnership to raise children. I don't think you should automatically assume that person will be a man, either.

Thank you for your comment! Yes, I understand that, and have always been honest, upfront, and forethcoming about these family ideals and aspirations of mine with those I’ve gone on dates with, and even sometimes in the initial stages of messaging. I also write it into my bio as well on the dating apps I’ve used/am currently using.

And yes, I’ve considered your later advice as well. I do have a good female friend who’s similar to me - no desire for a relationship. She also doesn’t want children though. So that already got me thinking about having that kind of “relationship.” Someone who’s just fun to live with as a friend and wants to jointly raise and foster/adopt, be they a man or women.

Thanks again for your comment! I’ve still much to consider and think about! 😌

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Either (i) you come off as a complete lunatic in person, laughing constantly and at inappropriate times, or (ii) you have no earthly idea what lol means.

Also, repeated use of emojis is the sign of a 15 yo.

I don’t know about that, but she seems overly eager to come off as a happy, well-adjusted and fulfilled person. I used to do the same thing when I was single and alone, kind of a self-defense mechanism about how UNfufilled (miserable) I was with certain aspects of my life.

It also reminds me of when people call into dating streams and parrot all of the “correct” answers back to the host. Well if you have all the answers, how come your present dating life actually sucks?

Bingo. OP is in lala land and is trying to insert an imaginary man into the hypothetical life she doesn’t have yet. Maybe back off a bit of all your future “goals” and live your life a little day to day.

Eh, this is simply how I write and message in this context. Among my demographic and the people in my circles, we sprinkle in our “lols” here and there. We don’t always literally mean it as laughing out loud, but to also note that something is humorous or to be taken lightly. Not something to majorly analyze, but have at it. When one puts something on a messaging board, one has to be ready to accept all kinds of responses. Alas 🤷🏾‍♀️

In any case, I am actually happy with my life and future goals. The point of starting this thread was to gain perspective on the questions posed in the OP. Many posters have provided great insight, advice, and shared anecdotes, and for that I’m grateful, as it will better inform me going forward as I think about my future and dating prospects.

Not sure why others are so hard pressed to label me as miserable, lonely, maladjusted, etc., and additionally pick apart my messaging style to glean some idea of where I’m mentally at when that’s not the point of this post. But again, to each his/her own. It’s not my job to convince anybody otherwise, so take it for what you will.

I have no idea if you are the bolded. But, based solely on your posts here, I know you're annoying AF, which is going to impact your likelihood of finding a partner far more than your self-proclaimed ambivalence.

I’m not sure where you’re getting that from. You’re welcome to that opinion though.

[Anonymous]

She's a highly intelligent bio-medical researcher with a PhD. People like OP are often a little quirky. Can be exasperating for average Joes who don't have the intelligence to relate. She has plans and wants to do great things with her life. So be nice.

OP, I wanted to mention that I know a woman (she's not asexual but divorced) who started up a cooperative living situation with a couple other single moms, they share a home and the child care responsibilities. They say it's working out great. Might be an idea to explore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you are asexual. There are communities for that. Do you think you are asexual? If so, you may want to talk with others like you to find out how they thought about and resolved issues of partnership/marriage.

Also, you sound awesome and I think you should go ahead with your plans for parenting.

NP. Not every person for whom sex is not priority No. 1 is asexual. OP said she has low drive. That does not mean that, if she met the right person, her drive wouldn't increase. Some people need to find the whole person who is right for them (not just the sexual side) and engage emotionally in order for their drive to click into gear, and there is nothing wrong, or diagnosable, about that.

(And please don't come back to label the sex and love connection as "demisexual," the currently trendy term for people who actually need an emotional connection to feel sexual attraction. Just stop turning everything on the vast spectrum of attraction into a convenient term that then requires support groups.)

OP, let's get down to basics. You're happy as you are. Icing on the cake is fine, but no one really wants to be someone else's icing; anyone worth being with for the long haul should be someone who wants to be an integral, needed part of your whole life, not merely a nice addition. Can you see the difference, OP? The people you'd attract possibly will be seeing you as their icing, too, and while that could work -- is that also someone who will want to go in, 100 percent, with you on your plans for kids, whether bio or foster? I kind of doubt that.

Your long post indicates, to me, a need to hash things out in your own head before you do the thing that you REALLY are thinking about most--and that is not partnering up. It's kids.

Take the effort and time you would put into dating apps (where people will want and expect sex, to be blunt) and put that energy instead into finding a good therapist -- don't tune me out yet, keep reading -- who specializes in working with single-by-choice parents, if you can find one. Before you take the big step of having or fostering kids, you should do your due diligence and tell an experienced therapist everything you wrote here. I think the partner thing, dating apps, one last stab at finding a partner, etc. is all muddying the water, frankly. You sound like you want to go the single parent route more than you really crave a deeply connected partner. Get it all out with a professional AND work through whether you are realistic in your expectations of single parenthood/fostering. You really must get an objective third party to discuss this with as it will affect kids' lives eventually. Examine your motivations and your own expectations so you are going into any parenthood with open eyes.

I really wonder if on some level you are thinking about finding a partner because it's expected of women your age and stage in life. I think your initial response there is going to be, "Oh, no, I don't care what society thinks of me, I'm the cake," but even the most self-sufficient of us still is aware, on some unspoken level, that partnering up eventually is...what people "do." You seem self-aware about what you do and don't want, which is good, but you also are asking for advice about dating apps. If you're as happy as you say with your life, then drop the pretense of finding icing on the cake (see above: Will an "icing" partner really be up for the commitment to kids the way you're discussing? Will that partner be willing to work with you on a level of sex that's acceptable to you both? Kind of doubt it.)

Proceed with the rest of your life. It is much likelier that you will find a real partner, not a nice-to-have icing on the cake partner, naturally, via your volunteering, shared interests, even through your kids. And if you don't, you sound like you'll be fine. I'd move ahead with what you seem really to want, rather than doing a hail-Mary attempt at dating apps.

This is all really wonderful advice, and I thank you for taking the time to write all of this! It’s as you say. I do think I’m already close to the other side of the fence where I’m completely fine with becoming a single parent, and doing things “my way.” Also, you’re spot on regarding how I actually feel about the societal conventions regarding marriage and what’s expected of women. What’s helped me in some respects is having several (yes, surprisingly several 😂) really close friends, one even my best friend, who are similar, and the broader internet community where this isn’t so uncommon - including the stories I’ve read on DCUM and in this thread about women who have done things their own way.

I suppose I identify with the idea that one’s happiness is their own to achieve, and that nobody is responsible for making another happy. I think people should amplify one’s happiness, and vice versa, but never be the sole source of it - once you’re a mature adult at least.

Indeed I am grappling with what I really, truly, and honestly want, and the best way to achieve that. So yes, as you and another PP suggested, it would be best to find an experienced therapist of this nature to sort things out with. I’m not opposed to therapy at all. I know it can be helpful towards a healthy life and relationships, and there are so many resources these days.

Your advice is really great, and I’m appreciative of you and other PPs who have commented with helpful advice and encouragement. Perhaps years down the line I’ll make another post to update everyone as to what’s become of me 🤣.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Either (i) you come off as a complete lunatic in person, laughing constantly and at inappropriate times, or (ii) you have no earthly idea what lol means.

Also, repeated use of emojis is the sign of a 15 yo.

I don’t know about that, but she seems overly eager to come off as a happy, well-adjusted and fulfilled person. I used to do the same thing when I was single and alone, kind of a self-defense mechanism about how UNfufilled (miserable) I was with certain aspects of my life.

It also reminds me of when people call into dating streams and parrot all of the “correct” answers back to the host. Well if you have all the answers, how come your present dating life actually sucks?

Bingo. OP is in lala land and is trying to insert an imaginary man into the hypothetical life she doesn’t have yet. Maybe back off a bit of all your future “goals” and live your life a little day to day.

Eh, this is simply how I write and message in this context. Among my demographic and the people in my circles, we sprinkle in our “lols” here and there. We don’t always literally mean it as laughing out loud, but to also note that something is humorous or to be taken lightly. Not something to majorly analyze, but have at it. When one puts something on a messaging board, one has to be ready to accept all kinds of responses. Alas 🤷🏾‍♀️

In any case, I am actually happy with my life and future goals. The point of starting this thread was to gain perspective on the questions posed in the OP. Many posters have provided great insight, advice, and shared anecdotes, and for that I’m grateful, as it will better inform me going forward as I think about my future and dating prospects.

Not sure why others are so hard pressed to label me as miserable, lonely, maladjusted, etc., and additionally pick apart my messaging style to glean some idea of where I’m mentally at when that’s not the point of this post. But again, to each his/her own. It’s not my job to convince anybody otherwise, so take it for what you will.

I have no idea if you are the bolded. But, based solely on your posts here, I know you're annoying AF, which is going to impact your likelihood of finding a partner far more than your self-proclaimed ambivalence.

I’m not sure where you’re getting that from. You’re welcome to that opinion though.

[
DP. Ignore the name-callers on here, OP. No need to respond to them. They come to these threads just to bash OPs. They're the kind of posters who bash you for a long and detailed description of your situation, but also would bash any OP who didn't provide what they deem enough details, and would "call troll" on those PPs for not writing enough.