Worried Relationship Is Over

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How does her sleeping with anyone before you were in a relationship with her matter?

It's his best friend I get it.

+1 and OP even says it's not so much that it happened, but that she chose to keep it from him for more than a year. I'm a woman and I wouldn't like it either.

I totally agree, and the fact that she’s acting like he did something wrong by needing time to cool off is a big red flag to me. She should be acting like she’s ecstatic he’s even considering staying with her, not twisting it around and acting like she’s the one who’s been hurt and deceived. It’s hard but I think ending this is good for OP. I’m sorry this happened to OP. Hugs and move on to find a better girl.

Please tell me you are also dumping your friend if you take this advice.

[Anonymous]

The part about his friend and his GF agreeing not to tell him is super weird.

It would be one thing if somehow it just hadn't come out, but discussing it and agreeing to keep it a secret would raise all sorts of red flags for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The part about his friend and his GF agreeing not to tell him is super weird.

It would be one thing if somehow it just hadn't come out, but discussing it and agreeing to keep it a secret would raise all sorts of red flags for me.

Yeah. I’m wondering if she cheated during the past year with BF.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What exactly happened between the two of them? How did you react?

OP here. They met online and had sex twice. Realized there wasn’t much there and then I met her two weeks later. We dated for about two months before introducing to family/friends since we are both looking for something serious. They met and decided not to tell me because she liked me and I had made a comment about not wanting to date someone a friend slept with. I told my friend how I was looking at rings and he said he felt he needed to tell me.

I told her that I knew about that they had slept together and that my buddy told me. She cried and said she was afraid to tell me because of the comment that I made and because she liked me so much. I was more upset and hurt that they didn’t bother to tell me for a year. This weekend I was very distant and slept on the couch. I planned to talk to her but I just needed time to digest everything and not saying something I would regret. She decided to pack a back and leave to think things over.

OP, it is entirely within your rights to break it off. Everyone has to know their own limits and shouldn’t feel obligated to stay in a relationship that exceeds them.

That said, it sounds like your rigidity contributed to this. Yes, the most honest thing would have been for her to tell you up front that she dated your friend so you could have broken up with her earlier. If that’s the outcome you would have preferred here, to never get serious with her at all, then maintain your standards on that point. But as a general rule, it’s good to leave room for honesty in your relationships even if that honesty might make you a little uncomfortable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you seen your friend naked?

OP here. Why would it matter?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The part about his friend and his GF agreeing not to tell him is super weird.

It would be one thing if somehow it just hadn't come out, but discussing it and agreeing to keep it a secret would raise all sorts of red flags for me.

Yeah, this. For me it's not so much the sex, it's scheming, and the secret-keeping for over a year, that I would find unsettling.

[Anonymous]

I understand both of your perspectives. What a shame if this destroys an otherwise happy relationship, though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The part about his friend and his GF agreeing not to tell him is super weird.

It would be one thing if somehow it just hadn't come out, but discussing it and agreeing to keep it a secret would raise all sorts of red flags for me.

Yeah, this. For me it's not so much the sex, it's scheming, and the secret-keeping for over a year, that I would find unsettling.

I would find it unsettling that my best friend was so afraid telling me the truth that he would keep this secret for over a year. What would it say about me if my best friend couldn’t trust me to react rationally to this?

[Anonymous]

Yikes, OP, you didn’t do anything wrong! Sounds like you handled it well, taking time to think. They both shouldn’t have kept a secret for so long

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The part about his friend and his GF agreeing not to tell him is super weird.

It would be one thing if somehow it just hadn't come out, but discussing it and agreeing to keep it a secret would raise all sorts of red flags for me.

Yeah, this. For me it's not so much the sex, it's scheming, and the secret-keeping for over a year, that I would find unsettling.

I would find it unsettling that my best friend was so afraid telling me the truth that he would keep this secret for over a year. What would it say about me if my best friend couldn’t trust me to react rationally to this?

Yet it was the friend who ultimately told him. And I kinda get the perspective of the friend, as a friend you walk a fine line between staying cool with your friend and trying not to interfere with their relationships. MAybe he wanted to give the girlfriend a chance to come clean.

Maybe more went on between them than is being said. NO matter how hard you try, you aren't going to spin it so the girlfriend is an innocent party.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How does her sleeping with anyone before you were in a relationship with her matter?

This. Who cares if it was before?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The part about his friend and his GF agreeing not to tell him is super weird.

It would be one thing if somehow it just hadn't come out, but discussing it and agreeing to keep it a secret would raise all sorts of red flags for me.

OP here. He told me he wanted to tell me but she begged him not to because she was afraid I would break up with her. He felt guilty once I started talking about marrying her and he didn’t want me to find out years later.

Pissed at my friend too but more upset with her. I’m not mad they slept together, I’m just mad they didn’t tell me they did. I feel like I looked like a fool this whole time.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't say OP is completely blameless. I don't like the distance and sleeping on the couch, and then expecting her to be around when he deemed he was ready to discuss it.

That's not maturity.

I totally get his being upset about them keeping this a secret from him. That's valid.

I'm just against silent treatment.

Final diagnosis: this relationship is likely done, and you both have some growing to do as individuals before you are ready for marriage.

[Anonymous]

Demote her to FWB while you find someone new.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How does her sleeping with anyone before you were in a relationship with her matter?

This. Who cares if it was before?

OP here. It doesn’t. I don’t care that they slept together. The issue I have is them not telling me and me looking like an idiot for a year.