Worried Relationship Is Over

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The part about his friend and his GF agreeing not to tell him is super weird.

It would be one thing if somehow it just hadn't come out, but discussing it and agreeing to keep it a secret would raise all sorts of red flags for me.

OP here. He told me he wanted to tell me but she begged him not to because she was afraid I would break up with her. He felt guilty once I started talking about marrying her and he didn’t want me to find out years later.

Pissed at my friend too but more upset with her. I’m not mad they slept together, I’m just mad they didn’t tell me they did. I feel like I looked like a fool this whole time.

Yeah, I'm not buying that this wasn't an ongoing thing. It went on for too long , and they held off on telling you for too long, even if you factor in what you previously said it just doesn't make sense. You'd do well to watch your back when it comes to your best friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't say OP is completely blameless. I don't like the distance and sleeping on the couch, and then expecting her to be around when he deemed he was ready to discuss it.

That's not maturity.

I totally get his being upset about them keeping this a secret from him. That's valid.

I'm just against silent treatment.

Final diagnosis: this relationship is likely done, and you both have some growing to do as individuals before you are ready for marriage.

OP handled it poorly. What happened before is no one’s business. His friend should not have said a word. I do not blame her for not saying anything. It was/is none of OP’s business. The girlfriend should break up with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't say OP is completely blameless. I don't like the distance and sleeping on the couch, and then expecting her to be around when he deemed he was ready to discuss it.

That's not maturity.

I totally get his being upset about them keeping this a secret from him. That's valid.

I'm just against silent treatment.

Final diagnosis: this relationship is likely done, and you both have some growing to do as individuals before you are ready for marriage.

OP here. In all fairness, I told her I needed some time to think things over. Would you want to sleep in the bed with someone who lied to you for a whole year about banging your best friend? It was better for me to think things through than to get upset and say something I might regret.

I also did not go full silence. We still talked but I didn’t want to talk about anything yet. I wasn’t having sex or being intimate towards her but I still treated her with basic human decency and respect. I still love her and wouldn’t treat her poorly. She got mad I refused to talk about it and left. She doesn’t know if she wants to be with me after how I handled things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The part about his friend and his GF agreeing not to tell him is super weird.

It would be one thing if somehow it just hadn't come out, but discussing it and agreeing to keep it a secret would raise all sorts of red flags for me.

OP here. He told me he wanted to tell me but she begged him not to because she was afraid I would break up with her. He felt guilty once I started talking about marrying her and he didn’t want me to find out years later.

Pissed at my friend too but more upset with her. I’m not mad they slept together, I’m just mad they didn’t tell me they did. I feel like I looked like a fool this whole time.

Yeah, I'm not buying that this wasn't an ongoing thing. It went on for too long , and they held off on telling you for too long, even if you factor in what you previously said it just doesn't make sense. You'd do well to watch your back when it comes to your best friend.

OP here. I trust him. Been friends since we were kids. I trust it went down how they said. They both said they realized fairly quickly that it was just sex for them and they weren’t interested in anything beyond that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't say OP is completely blameless. I don't like the distance and sleeping on the couch, and then expecting her to be around when he deemed he was ready to discuss it.

That's not maturity.

I totally get his being upset about them keeping this a secret from him. That's valid.

I'm just against silent treatment.

Final diagnosis: this relationship is likely done, and you both have some growing to do as individuals before you are ready for marriage.

OP here. In all fairness, I told her I needed some time to think things over. Would you want to sleep in the bed with someone who lied to you for a whole year about banging your best friend? It was better for me to think things through than to get upset and say something I might regret.

I also did not go full silence. We still talked but I didn’t want to talk about anything yet. I wasn’t having sex or being intimate towards her but I still treated her with basic human decency and respect. I still love her and wouldn’t treat her poorly. She got mad I refused to talk about it and left. She doesn’t know if she wants to be with me after how I handled things.

I understand your perspective but I get hers too. You both sound like decent ppl, but unless you can put aside egos/shame/etc and really work this out, you should just break up. There’s too much drama and baggage already.

[Anonymous]

Seems worth it to try and work it out. Your gf may need time to cool down herself, and is probably feeling shame and guilt over what happened. Hoping your relationship survives. If you’re looking at rings, must’ve been good.

[Anonymous]

People blaming this on OP are sexist. It just goes to show how much of a pass women get in this world. OP did not wrong. His gf is a liar who purposely hid sleeping with his friend and then demands he respond to the situation the way she wants him too. She sounds like a manipulative jerk. OP move on and find someone else.

[Anonymous]

Yes, she shouldn’t have lied to you for ay ear, but it sounds like she really loved you and was afraid of this exact reaction. What if she had told you after a month or 6 months in? What would you have done? I think it’s worth a second go if you can get past it. Or spend less time with the friend. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What exactly happened between the two of them? How did you react?

OP here. They met online and had sex twice. Realized there wasn’t much there and then I met her two weeks later. We dated for about two months before introducing to family/friends since we are both looking for something serious. They met and decided not to tell me because she liked me and I had made a comment about not wanting to date someone a friend slept with. I told my friend how I was looking at rings and he said he felt he needed to tell me.

I told her that I knew about that they had slept together and that my buddy told me. She cried and said she was afraid to tell me because of the comment that I made and because she liked me so much. I was more upset and hurt that they didn’t bother to tell me for a year. This weekend I was very distant and slept on the couch. I planned to talk to her but I just needed time to digest everything and not saying something I would regret. She decided to pack a back and leave to think things over.

Well, I guess you were wrong, and you should have admitted it instead of getting mad with her. Now you lost her. Congratulations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How does her sleeping with anyone before you were in a relationship with her matter?

It's his best friend I get it.

+1 and OP even says it's not so much that it happened, but that she chose to keep it from him for more than a year. I'm a woman and I wouldn't like it either.

I totally agree, and the fact that she’s acting like he did something wrong by needing time to cool off is a big red flag to me. She should be acting like she’s ecstatic he’s even considering staying with her, not twisting it around and acting like she’s the one who’s been hurt and deceived. It’s hard but I think ending this is good for OP. I’m sorry this happened to OP. Hugs and move on to find a better girl.

Did OP tell her every person he has slept with?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't say OP is completely blameless. I don't like the distance and sleeping on the couch, and then expecting her to be around when he deemed he was ready to discuss it.

That's not maturity.

I totally get his being upset about them keeping this a secret from him. That's valid.

I'm just against silent treatment.

Final diagnosis: this relationship is likely done, and you both have some growing to do as individuals before you are ready for marriage.

OP here. In all fairness, I told her I needed some time to think things over. Would you want to sleep in the bed with someone who lied to you for a whole year about banging your best friend? It was better for me to think things through than to get upset and say something I might regret.

I also did not go full silence. We still talked but I didn’t want to talk about anything yet. I wasn’t having sex or being intimate towards her but I still treated her with basic human decency and respect. I still love her and wouldn’t treat her poorly. She got mad I refused to talk about it and left. She doesn’t know if she wants to be with me after how I handled things.

Well, she was not sleeping with your best friend, just an internet date. She has her dignity and some thinking through as well. I guess she decided she was not going to wait around for your mood.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The part about his friend and his GF agreeing not to tell him is super weird.

It would be one thing if somehow it just hadn't come out, but discussing it and agreeing to keep it a secret would raise all sorts of red flags for me.

OP here. He told me he wanted to tell me but she begged him not to because she was afraid I would break up with her. He felt guilty once I started talking about marrying her and he didn’t want me to find out years later.

Pissed at my friend too but more upset with her. I’m not mad they slept together, I’m just mad they didn’t tell me they did. I feel like I looked like a fool this whole time.

Yeah, I'm not buying that this wasn't an ongoing thing. It went on for too long , and they held off on telling you for too long, even if you factor in what you previously said it just doesn't make sense. You'd do well to watch your back when it comes to your best friend.

OP here. I trust him. Been friends since we were kids. I trust it went down how they said. They both said they realized fairly quickly that it was just sex for them and they weren’t interested in anything beyond that.

Then this really should not be an issue. It was before you met her. I don't think you have a right to be upset about this. It's ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The part about his friend and his GF agreeing not to tell him is super weird.

It would be one thing if somehow it just hadn't come out, but discussing it and agreeing to keep it a secret would raise all sorts of red flags for me.

OP here. He told me he wanted to tell me but she begged him not to because she was afraid I would break up with her. He felt guilty once I started talking about marrying her and he didn’t want me to find out years later.

Pissed at my friend too but more upset with her. I’m not mad they slept together, I’m just mad they didn’t tell me they did. I feel like I looked like a fool this whole time.

Yeah, I'm not buying that this wasn't an ongoing thing. It went on for too long , and they held off on telling you for too long, even if you factor in what you previously said it just doesn't make sense. You'd do well to watch your back when it comes to your best friend.

OP here. I trust him. Been friends since we were kids. I trust it went down how they said. They both said they realized fairly quickly that it was just sex for them and they weren’t interested in anything beyond that.

I guess it is bro over hoe, you should marry your best friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How does her sleeping with anyone before you were in a relationship with her matter?

This. Who cares if it was before?

OP here. It doesn’t. I don’t care that they slept together. The issue I have is them not telling me and me looking like an idiot for a year.

Yeah right. Now you know and are making a big deal of it. Of course they were not going to tell you. 1. It was before you met her. 2. They were single and did nothing wrong. 3. You do not have a right to know anyway. Grow up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How does her sleeping with anyone before you were in a relationship with her matter?

This. Who cares if it was before?

OP here. It doesn’t. I don’t care that they slept together. The issue I have is them not telling me and me looking like an idiot for a year.

Yeah right. Now you know and are making a big deal of it. Of course they were not going to tell you. 1. It was before you met her. 2. They were single and did nothing wrong. 3. You do not have a right to know anyway. Grow up.

The girlfriend has found this thread. Another red flag.