Asperger marriage

[Anonymous]

I think the PP is ignoring all the posters with husbands who are diagnosed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Adults do. Similar to alcoholics. They hide and perform all of the time - when out of the house or dating.

Unfortuately, all the therapy that helps many with austism appear "normal" in order to get through school, college, find a partner, etc. is just masking. It becomes harder and harder to basically live a lie. After 20 years or more, they at least stop hiding it in the comfort of their homes and the fallout harms primarily the spouse. I had no idea of the kind of person my husband really was into about 4 years into the marriage and it got progessively worse. 20 years in, I am under constant verbal and emotional abuse. I woud never have married him had I know. Outside the house, he acts like a normal, functioning member of society, then at home, he stops all the acting and it's a nightmare.

Same. Divorced after the last kid left for college, he was a terrible, defunct “parent.” The kids know all about aspergers and have since they were 10.
I recreated super social lives and active ECs and tons of vacations. Sometimes he tagged along but mainly worked or went to bed early or looked at his computer while we did stuff.
I was super lonely in such a “marriage” but he got a DX and I had orally stopped trying to get him involved with life, the house, me or the kids. He was just too incapable. Most of the lashing out stopped though weekends were the worst- so many accidents, messes, lies, excuses, cluelessness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Adults do. Similar to alcoholics. They hide and perform all of the time - when out of the house or dating.

? ASD is a developmental disorder, not addiction. Manipulation and masking is not part of the description! When Dr Asperger defined Aspergers Syndrome, he was describing a group of children so disabled by their social deficiencies that being systemically killed by the Nazis was on the table. These people have the intellect to perform, but have significant social deficiencies. They don’t have the social intelligence all day long or “trickg” people into marriage. If you’ve actually interacted with a high-functioning person, you’ll find that they say dumb and offensive things to their spouse AND their boss. But not like, calling someone expletives. More like, hey that dress doesn’t look good on you. Why did you buy it?

True. They do say Bs and insulting things to people at work. But guess what? By age 40 they are so vested in their special interest job that they are high enough in the heirarchy that people put up with it or quit. By apsis still thinks he’s the best and you all are crazy and dumb. Coworkers heads are spinning all the time by the insane stuff said it asked for or taken credit for or things that were said and then denied being said. The gaslighting is real. I would not want to LIVE with someone like that…. Holy moly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Adults do. Similar to alcoholics. They hide and perform all of the time - when out of the house or dating.

? ASD is a developmental disorder, not addiction. Manipulation and masking is not part of the description! When Dr Asperger defined Aspergers Syndrome, he was describing a group of children so disabled by their social deficiencies that being systemically killed by the Nazis was on the table. These people have the intellect to perform, but have significant social deficiencies. They don’t have the social intelligence all day long or “trickg” people into marriage. If you’ve actually interacted with a high-functioning person, you’ll find that they say dumb and offensive things to their spouse AND their boss. But not like, calling someone expletives. More like, hey that dress doesn’t look good on you. Why did you buy it?

Be grateful you don't have to be subjected to the abuses. You can't speak for someone else's hell.

+100. When you've met one person with autism, you've met one person with autism. Some I'm sure do not have the social ability to mask, but some do. Especially the super high IQ ones who have been smart enough to develop coping mechanisms in all areas of their lives. The problem is, as the PP said, the coping mechanisms, while successful, are not authentic and take energy. At some point the person with autism just gets tired.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Adults do. Similar to alcoholics. They hide and perform all of the time - when out of the house or dating.

Unfortuately, all the therapy that helps many with austism appear "normal" in order to get through school, college, find a partner, etc. is just masking. It becomes harder and harder to basically live a lie. After 20 years or more, they at least stop hiding it in the comfort of their homes and the fallout harms primarily the spouse. I had no idea of the kind of person my husband really was into about 4 years into the marriage and it got progessively worse. 20 years in, I am under constant verbal and emotional abuse. I woud never have married him had I know. Outside the house, he acts like a normal, functioning member of society, then at home, he stops all the acting and it's a nightmare.

To this poster - I'm just wondering, has your DH been officially diagnosed? Did he actually go through therapy as a child? Not coming from a place of judgement... just wondering... have a child going through therapy and DH who I suspect is HFA but not diagnosed, so obviously did not have therapy as a child but has issues now... I have this idea that by putting my son in therapy now, I can set him up for a happier life and avoid the scenario you're describing (which I am living also), but sometimes I wonder if what you're describing is going to be my son's fate anyway. Maybe it's inevitable.

[Anonymous]

The negative coping mechanism (excuses, lying, omitting, blaming others) really damage whatever semblance of a relationship is left.

And then there are the temper tantrums and meltdowns when everything from work, family builds up. Those scary the krap out of the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Adults do. Similar to alcoholics. They hide and perform all of the time - when out of the house or dating.

Unfortuately, all the therapy that helps many with austism appear "normal" in order to get through school, college, find a partner, etc. is just masking. It becomes harder and harder to basically live a lie. After 20 years or more, they at least stop hiding it in the comfort of their homes and the fallout harms primarily the spouse. I had no idea of the kind of person my husband really was into about 4 years into the marriage and it got progessively worse. 20 years in, I am under constant verbal and emotional abuse. I woud never have married him had I know. Outside the house, he acts like a normal, functioning member of society, then at home, he stops all the acting and it's a nightmare.

To this poster - I'm just wondering, has your DH been officially diagnosed? Did he actually go through therapy as a child? Not coming from a place of judgement... just wondering... have a child going through therapy and DH who I suspect is HFA but not diagnosed, so obviously did not have therapy as a child but has issues now... I have this idea that by putting my son in therapy now, I can set him up for a happier life and avoid the scenario you're describing (which I am living also), but sometimes I wonder if what you're describing is going to be my son's fate anyway. Maybe it's inevitable.

Different poster. I don’t think it has to be inevitable! My husband was failed by his parents (at least one is on the spectrum but likely both). They rejected therapy, meds, etc. I’m certain ALL of those would have helped my husband. It also would have helped to have one non-Aspie model to follow. He didn’t get that

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This has been a real eye-opening thread. I’ve been with DH for 25 years. Lots of conflict over:

Took risks with the kids when they were young
Inability to stick to routines or actually parent them
Zero help with social life mgt for us or kids
Zero help with anything related to the kids like extracurriculars unless related to his personal interest
Rudeness in restaurants/public
Inappropriate comments in social settings, actually everywhere
Zero executive functioning ability
Hates change, refused to move for years despite kids being in poor schools
Zero ability to connect with kids beyond teasing or his one sport of interest
Never shows empathy to me and any situation I’m in that could be painful
Drinks daily to handle high anxiety
Was insanely hyperactive and hyper sexual until his early 50s (no affairs, but expected sex daily)
Cannot engage in anything but superficial convos
Never remembers bdays, special occasions etc.
In arguments with me, appears to only hear 20% of what I say, nitpicks that 20%, never affirms my experiences
Can be incredibly bossy/overbearing, never picks up on social cues

I thought all of these traits were ADHD (one of our children is diagnosed ADHD) although he was never diagnosed as a child. He has never been emotionally abusive, does not have tantrums as described in this thread. But, I’ve felt like a single parent since day 1 and the loneliness of not being with someone who can emotionally connect with me is breaking me apart.

This is exactly why this thread is damaging. Please, please, please educate yourself about these conditions (not on DCUM) and speak to a medical professional before concluding your spouse has a specific disorder. It’s embarrassing to you and dehumanizing to those with autism.

To the poster who is offended whenever anyone suggests autism and being abusive are related... it clearly strikes a nerve and I'm sorry about that. I agree, there are many people with autism out there who are kind, compassionate, pleasant people who don't have an abusive bone in their body. However, they are not who these threads are about.

Some of the traits that go along with autism (and ADHD, which is highly co-morbid) do make it more likely for an individual to become abusive, and there is a subset (maybe a very small one) of autistic people for whom this plays out. It's tough for us living with a partner like this, and leaving would be much more complicated than leaving a "traditional" abusive situation. I find posts like this helpful and somewhat therapeutic. I get good advice, feel that the other posters understand me to a T, and feel less alone. We all paint the exact same picture, and there is a lot of research out there to back it up (and I have done my research, not to blame my DH, but to learn more about my special needs child). Please don't deny my (or other's) reality. I am not denying yours, just saying mine is different than yours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This has been a real eye-opening thread. I’ve been with DH for 25 years. Lots of conflict over:

Took risks with the kids when they were young
Inability to stick to routines or actually parent them
Zero help with social life mgt for us or kids
Zero help with anything related to the kids like extracurriculars unless related to his personal interest
Rudeness in restaurants/public
Inappropriate comments in social settings, actually everywhere
Zero executive functioning ability
Hates change, refused to move for years despite kids being in poor schools
Zero ability to connect with kids beyond teasing or his one sport of interest
Never shows empathy to me and any situation I’m in that could be painful
Drinks daily to handle high anxiety
Was insanely hyperactive and hyper sexual until his early 50s (no affairs, but expected sex daily)
Cannot engage in anything but superficial convos
Never remembers bdays, special occasions etc.
In arguments with me, appears to only hear 20% of what I say, nitpicks that 20%, never affirms my experiences
Can be incredibly bossy/overbearing, never picks up on social cues

I thought all of these traits were ADHD (one of our children is diagnosed ADHD) although he was never diagnosed as a child. He has never been emotionally abusive, does not have tantrums as described in this thread. But, I’ve felt like a single parent since day 1 and the loneliness of not being with someone who can emotionally connect with me is breaking me apart.

This is exactly why this thread is damaging. Please, please, please educate yourself about these conditions (not on DCUM) and speak to a medical professional before concluding your spouse has a specific disorder. It’s embarrassing to you and dehumanizing to those with autism.

To the poster who is offended whenever anyone suggests autism and being abusive are related... it clearly strikes a nerve and I'm sorry about that. I agree, there are many people with autism out there who are kind, compassionate, pleasant people who don't have an abusive bone in their body. However, they are not who these threads are about.

Some of the traits that go along with autism (and ADHD, which is highly co-morbid) do make it more likely for an individual to become abusive, and there is a subset (maybe a very small one) of autistic people for whom this plays out. It's tough for us living with a partner like this, and leaving would be much more complicated than leaving a "traditional" abusive situation. I find posts like this helpful and somewhat therapeutic. I get good advice, feel that the other posters understand me to a T, and feel less alone. We all paint the exact same picture, and there is a lot of research out there to back it up (and I have done my research, not to blame my DH, but to learn more about my special needs child). Please don't deny my (or other's) reality. I am not denying yours, just saying mine is different than yours.

Unfortunately the same label is being used for both extremes. Imagine if a racial term was used To describe SOME of the people in the group, and the defense was, “sorry, we only mean SOME of those people. Stop being easily offended by the stereotypes being presented.” I mean, in this society, we should KNOW how harmful that line of argument is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This has been a real eye-opening thread. I’ve been with DH for 25 years. Lots of conflict over:

Took risks with the kids when they were young
Inability to stick to routines or actually parent them
Zero help with social life mgt for us or kids
Zero help with anything related to the kids like extracurriculars unless related to his personal interest
Rudeness in restaurants/public
Inappropriate comments in social settings, actually everywhere
Zero executive functioning ability
Hates change, refused to move for years despite kids being in poor schools
Zero ability to connect with kids beyond teasing or his one sport of interest
Never shows empathy to me and any situation I’m in that could be painful
Drinks daily to handle high anxiety
Was insanely hyperactive and hyper sexual until his early 50s (no affairs, but expected sex daily)
Cannot engage in anything but superficial convos
Never remembers bdays, special occasions etc.
In arguments with me, appears to only hear 20% of what I say, nitpicks that 20%, never affirms my experiences
Can be incredibly bossy/overbearing, never picks up on social cues

I thought all of these traits were ADHD (one of our children is diagnosed ADHD) although he was never diagnosed as a child. He has never been emotionally abusive, does not have tantrums as described in this thread. But, I’ve felt like a single parent since day 1 and the loneliness of not being with someone who can emotionally connect with me is breaking me apart.

This is exactly why this thread is damaging. Please, please, please educate yourself about these conditions (not on DCUM) and speak to a medical professional before concluding your spouse has a specific disorder. It’s embarrassing to you and dehumanizing to those with autism.

To the poster who is offended whenever anyone suggests autism and being abusive are related... it clearly strikes a nerve and I'm sorry about that. I agree, there are many people with autism out there who are kind, compassionate, pleasant people who don't have an abusive bone in their body. However, they are not who these threads are about.

Some of the traits that go along with autism (and ADHD, which is highly co-morbid) do make it more likely for an individual to become abusive, and there is a subset (maybe a very small one) of autistic people for whom this plays out. It's tough for us living with a partner like this, and leaving would be much more complicated than leaving a "traditional" abusive situation. I find posts like this helpful and somewhat therapeutic. I get good advice, feel that the other posters understand me to a T, and feel less alone. We all paint the exact same picture, and there is a lot of research out there to back it up (and I have done my research, not to blame my DH, but to learn more about my special needs child). Please don't deny my (or other's) reality. I am not denying yours, just saying mine is different than yours.

Unfortunately the same label is being used for both extremes. Imagine if a racial term was used To describe SOME of the people in the group, and the defense was, “sorry, we only mean SOME of those people. Stop being easily offended by the stereotypes being presented.” I mean, in this society, we should KNOW how harmful that line of argument is.

Translation: Abuse victims should shut up because I don't like to hear their realities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This has been a real eye-opening thread. I’ve been with DH for 25 years. Lots of conflict over:

Took risks with the kids when they were young
Inability to stick to routines or actually parent them
Zero help with social life mgt for us or kids
Zero help with anything related to the kids like extracurriculars unless related to his personal interest
Rudeness in restaurants/public
Inappropriate comments in social settings, actually everywhere
Zero executive functioning ability
Hates change, refused to move for years despite kids being in poor schools
Zero ability to connect with kids beyond teasing or his one sport of interest
Never shows empathy to me and any situation I’m in that could be painful
Drinks daily to handle high anxiety
Was insanely hyperactive and hyper sexual until his early 50s (no affairs, but expected sex daily)
Cannot engage in anything but superficial convos
Never remembers bdays, special occasions etc.
In arguments with me, appears to only hear 20% of what I say, nitpicks that 20%, never affirms my experiences
Can be incredibly bossy/overbearing, never picks up on social cues

I thought all of these traits were ADHD (one of our children is diagnosed ADHD) although he was never diagnosed as a child. He has never been emotionally abusive, does not have tantrums as described in this thread. But, I’ve felt like a single parent since day 1 and the loneliness of not being with someone who can emotionally connect with me is breaking me apart.

This is exactly why this thread is damaging. Please, please, please educate yourself about these conditions (not on DCUM) and speak to a medical professional before concluding your spouse has a specific disorder. It’s embarrassing to you and dehumanizing to those with autism.

To the poster who is offended whenever anyone suggests autism and being abusive are related... it clearly strikes a nerve and I'm sorry about that. I agree, there are many people with autism out there who are kind, compassionate, pleasant people who don't have an abusive bone in their body. However, they are not who these threads are about.

Some of the traits that go along with autism (and ADHD, which is highly co-morbid) do make it more likely for an individual to become abusive, and there is a subset (maybe a very small one) of autistic people for whom this plays out. It's tough for us living with a partner like this, and leaving would be much more complicated than leaving a "traditional" abusive situation. I find posts like this helpful and somewhat therapeutic. I get good advice, feel that the other posters understand me to a T, and feel less alone. We all paint the exact same picture, and there is a lot of research out there to back it up (and I have done my research, not to blame my DH, but to learn more about my special needs child). Please don't deny my (or other's) reality. I am not denying yours, just saying mine is different than yours.

Unfortunately the same label is being used for both extremes. Imagine if a racial term was used To describe SOME of the people in the group, and the defense was, “sorry, we only mean SOME of those people. Stop being easily offended by the stereotypes being presented.” I mean, in this society, we should KNOW how harmful that line of argument is.

Translation: Abuse victims should shut up because I don't like to hear their realities.

No. Abuse victims should be careful not to abuse a vulnerable group- which is statistically more like to be abused than neurotypical people-while telling their realities.

[Anonymous]

Wow, phenomenal amount of gaslighting from the pro-ASD activist who keeps posting and reposting the same thing.

And why is the divorce rate 80% again?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This has been a real eye-opening thread. I’ve been with DH for 25 years. Lots of conflict over:

Took risks with the kids when they were young
Inability to stick to routines or actually parent them
Zero help with social life mgt for us or kids
Zero help with anything related to the kids like extracurriculars unless related to his personal interest
Rudeness in restaurants/public
Inappropriate comments in social settings, actually everywhere
Zero executive functioning ability
Hates change, refused to move for years despite kids being in poor schools
Zero ability to connect with kids beyond teasing or his one sport of interest
Never shows empathy to me and any situation I’m in that could be painful
Drinks daily to handle high anxiety
Was insanely hyperactive and hyper sexual until his early 50s (no affairs, but expected sex daily)
Cannot engage in anything but superficial convos
Never remembers bdays, special occasions etc.
In arguments with me, appears to only hear 20% of what I say, nitpicks that 20%, never affirms my experiences
Can be incredibly bossy/overbearing, never picks up on social cues

I thought all of these traits were ADHD (one of our children is diagnosed ADHD) although he was never diagnosed as a child. He has never been emotionally abusive, does not have tantrums as described in this thread. But, I’ve felt like a single parent since day 1 and the loneliness of not being with someone who can emotionally connect with me is breaking me apart.

This is exactly why this thread is damaging. Please, please, please educate yourself about these conditions (not on DCUM) and speak to a medical professional before concluding your spouse has a specific disorder. It’s embarrassing to you and dehumanizing to those with autism.

To the poster who is offended whenever anyone suggests autism and being abusive are related... it clearly strikes a nerve and I'm sorry about that. I agree, there are many people with autism out there who are kind, compassionate, pleasant people who don't have an abusive bone in their body. However, they are not who these threads are about.

Some of the traits that go along with autism (and ADHD, which is highly co-morbid) do make it more likely for an individual to become abusive, and there is a subset (maybe a very small one) of autistic people for whom this plays out. It's tough for us living with a partner like this, and leaving would be much more complicated than leaving a "traditional" abusive situation. I find posts like this helpful and somewhat therapeutic. I get good advice, feel that the other posters understand me to a T, and feel less alone. We all paint the exact same picture, and there is a lot of research out there to back it up (and I have done my research, not to blame my DH, but to learn more about my special needs child). Please don't deny my (or other's) reality. I am not denying yours, just saying mine is different than yours.

Unfortunately the same label is being used for both extremes. Imagine if a racial term was used To describe SOME of the people in the group, and the defense was, “sorry, we only mean SOME of those people. Stop being easily offended by the stereotypes being presented.” I mean, in this society, we should KNOW how harmful that line of argument is.

Translation: Abuse victims should shut up because I don't like to hear their realities.

No. Abuse victims should be careful not to abuse a vulnerable group- which is statistically more like to be abused than neurotypical people-while telling their realities.

That's some serious gaslighting.

Abuse victims, ignore this poster.

[Anonymous]

“While telling their realities..”

Wow

You mean how they they didn’t just say what they said? And how your feelings are needy and stupid so don’t tell them? And how they left the baby’s tub filled but oh no they didn’t you’re lying? How they blame you for their forgetting again or losing something again or forgetting to do something again? Or how they didn’t think their kid broken his leg when falling yesterday and still can’t want so just didn’t tell you?

Yeah. Quite the “reality.”

[Anonymous]

Abuse victims should GTFO no matter how many mental disorders the abuser has. Full stop.