Asperger marriage

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This has been a real eye-opening thread. I’ve been with DH for 25 years. Lots of conflict over:

Took risks with the kids when they were young
Inability to stick to routines or actually parent them
Zero help with social life mgt for us or kids
Zero help with anything related to the kids like extracurriculars unless related to his personal interest
Rudeness in restaurants/public
Inappropriate comments in social settings, actually everywhere
Zero executive functioning ability
Hates change, refused to move for years despite kids being in poor schools
Zero ability to connect with kids beyond teasing or his one sport of interest
Never shows empathy to me and any situation I’m in that could be painful
Drinks daily to handle high anxiety
Was insanely hyperactive and hyper sexual until his early 50s (no affairs, but expected sex daily)
Cannot engage in anything but superficial convos
Never remembers bdays, special occasions etc.
In arguments with me, appears to only hear 20% of what I say, nitpicks that 20%, never affirms my experiences
Can be incredibly bossy/overbearing, never picks up on social cues

I thought all of these traits were ADHD (one of our children is diagnosed ADHD) although he was never diagnosed as a child. He has never been emotionally abusive, does not have tantrums as described in this thread. But, I’ve felt like a single parent since day 1 and the loneliness of not being with someone who can emotionally connect with me is breaking me apart.

This is exactly why this thread is damaging. Please, please, please educate yourself about these conditions (not on DCUM) and speak to a medical professional before concluding your spouse has a specific disorder. It’s embarrassing to you and dehumanizing to those with autism.

To the poster who is offended whenever anyone suggests autism and being abusive are related... it clearly strikes a nerve and I'm sorry about that. I agree, there are many people with autism out there who are kind, compassionate, pleasant people who don't have an abusive bone in their body. However, they are not who these threads are about.

Some of the traits that go along with autism (and ADHD, which is highly co-morbid) do make it more likely for an individual to become abusive, and there is a subset (maybe a very small one) of autistic people for whom this plays out. It's tough for us living with a partner like this, and leaving would be much more complicated than leaving a "traditional" abusive situation. I find posts like this helpful and somewhat therapeutic. I get good advice, feel that the other posters understand me to a T, and feel less alone. We all paint the exact same picture, and there is a lot of research out there to back it up (and I have done my research, not to blame my DH, but to learn more about my special needs child). Please don't deny my (or other's) reality. I am not denying yours, just saying mine is different than yours.

Unfortunately the same label is being used for both extremes. Imagine if a racial term was used To describe SOME of the people in the group, and the defense was, “sorry, we only mean SOME of those people. Stop being easily offended by the stereotypes being presented.” I mean, in this society, we should KNOW how harmful that line of argument is.

Translation: Abuse victims should shut up because I don't like to hear their realities.

No. Abuse victims should be careful not to abuse a vulnerable group- which is statistically more like to be abused than neurotypical people-while telling their realities.

That's some serious gaslighting.

Abuse victims, ignore this poster.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This has been a real eye-opening thread. I’ve been with DH for 25 years. Lots of conflict over:

Took risks with the kids when they were young
Inability to stick to routines or actually parent them
Zero help with social life mgt for us or kids
Zero help with anything related to the kids like extracurriculars unless related to his personal interest
Rudeness in restaurants/public
Inappropriate comments in social settings, actually everywhere
Zero executive functioning ability
Hates change, refused to move for years despite kids being in poor schools
Zero ability to connect with kids beyond teasing or his one sport of interest
Never shows empathy to me and any situation I’m in that could be painful
Drinks daily to handle high anxiety
Was insanely hyperactive and hyper sexual until his early 50s (no affairs, but expected sex daily)
Cannot engage in anything but superficial convos
Never remembers bdays, special occasions etc.
In arguments with me, appears to only hear 20% of what I say, nitpicks that 20%, never affirms my experiences
Can be incredibly bossy/overbearing, never picks up on social cues

I thought all of these traits were ADHD (one of our children is diagnosed ADHD) although he was never diagnosed as a child. He has never been emotionally abusive, does not have tantrums as described in this thread. But, I’ve felt like a single parent since day 1 and the loneliness of not being with someone who can emotionally connect with me is breaking me apart.

This is exactly why this thread is damaging. Please, please, please educate yourself about these conditions (not on DCUM) and speak to a medical professional before concluding your spouse has a specific disorder. It’s embarrassing to you and dehumanizing to those with autism.

To the poster who is offended whenever anyone suggests autism and being abusive are related... it clearly strikes a nerve and I'm sorry about that. I agree, there are many people with autism out there who are kind, compassionate, pleasant people who don't have an abusive bone in their body. However, they are not who these threads are about.

Some of the traits that go along with autism (and ADHD, which is highly co-morbid) do make it more likely for an individual to become abusive, and there is a subset (maybe a very small one) of autistic people for whom this plays out. It's tough for us living with a partner like this, and leaving would be much more complicated than leaving a "traditional" abusive situation. I find posts like this helpful and somewhat therapeutic. I get good advice, feel that the other posters understand me to a T, and feel less alone. We all paint the exact same picture, and there is a lot of research out there to back it up (and I have done my research, not to blame my DH, but to learn more about my special needs child). Please don't deny my (or other's) reality. I am not denying yours, just saying mine is different than yours.

Unfortunately the same label is being used for both extremes. Imagine if a racial term was used To describe SOME of the people in the group, and the defense was, “sorry, we only mean SOME of those people. Stop being easily offended by the stereotypes being presented.” I mean, in this society, we should KNOW how harmful that line of argument is.

Translation: Abuse victims should shut up because I don't like to hear their realities.

No. Abuse victims should be careful not to abuse a vulnerable group- which is statistically more like to be abused than neurotypical people-while telling their realities.

That's some serious gaslighting.

Abuse victims, ignore this poster.

I think you don’t understand what gaslighting means. No one is denying the abuse they suffered, or saying they are crazy because they suffered it. Instead, the argument is don’t stereotype and drag down a disabled group of people. The qualities listed above are not part of the dsm description of asd persons (though it might describe a particular asd person) and neurotypical people can also share these faults. So shout your story from the rooftops. But if you loop in the whole asd population with it, than you are doing something wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This has been a real eye-opening thread. I’ve been with DH for 25 years. Lots of conflict over:

Took risks with the kids when they were young
Inability to stick to routines or actually parent them
Zero help with social life mgt for us or kids
Zero help with anything related to the kids like extracurriculars unless related to his personal interest
Rudeness in restaurants/public
Inappropriate comments in social settings, actually everywhere
Zero executive functioning ability
Hates change, refused to move for years despite kids being in poor schools
Zero ability to connect with kids beyond teasing or his one sport of interest
Never shows empathy to me and any situation I’m in that could be painful
Drinks daily to handle high anxiety
Was insanely hyperactive and hyper sexual until his early 50s (no affairs, but expected sex daily)
Cannot engage in anything but superficial convos
Never remembers bdays, special occasions etc.
In arguments with me, appears to only hear 20% of what I say, nitpicks that 20%, never affirms my experiences
Can be incredibly bossy/overbearing, never picks up on social cues

I thought all of these traits were ADHD (one of our children is diagnosed ADHD) although he was never diagnosed as a child. He has never been emotionally abusive, does not have tantrums as described in this thread. But, I’ve felt like a single parent since day 1 and the loneliness of not being with someone who can emotionally connect with me is breaking me apart.

This is exactly why this thread is damaging. Please, please, please educate yourself about these conditions (not on DCUM) and speak to a medical professional before concluding your spouse has a specific disorder. It’s embarrassing to you and dehumanizing to those with autism.

To the poster who is offended whenever anyone suggests autism and being abusive are related... it clearly strikes a nerve and I'm sorry about that. I agree, there are many people with autism out there who are kind, compassionate, pleasant people who don't have an abusive bone in their body. However, they are not who these threads are about.

Some of the traits that go along with autism (and ADHD, which is highly co-morbid) do make it more likely for an individual to become abusive, and there is a subset (maybe a very small one) of autistic people for whom this plays out. It's tough for us living with a partner like this, and leaving would be much more complicated than leaving a "traditional" abusive situation. I find posts like this helpful and somewhat therapeutic. I get good advice, feel that the other posters understand me to a T, and feel less alone. We all paint the exact same picture, and there is a lot of research out there to back it up (and I have done my research, not to blame my DH, but to learn more about my special needs child). Please don't deny my (or other's) reality. I am not denying yours, just saying mine is different than yours.

Unfortunately the same label is being used for both extremes. Imagine if a racial term was used To describe SOME of the people in the group, and the defense was, “sorry, we only mean SOME of those people. Stop being easily offended by the stereotypes being presented.” I mean, in this society, we should KNOW how harmful that line of argument is.

Translation: Abuse victims should shut up because I don't like to hear their realities.

No. Abuse victims should be careful not to abuse a vulnerable group- which is statistically more like to be abused than neurotypical people-while telling their realities.

That's some serious gaslighting.

Abuse victims, ignore this poster.

I think you don’t understand what gaslighting means. No one is denying the abuse they suffered, or saying they are crazy because they suffered it. Instead, the argument is don’t stereotype and drag down a disabled group of people. The qualities listed above are not part of the dsm description of asd persons (though it might describe a particular asd person) and neurotypical people can also share these faults. So shout your story from the rooftops. But if you loop in the whole asd population with it, than you are doing something wrong.

Or ha! If you use the asd label and then claim not to be referring to the whole group. But

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: Instead, the argument is don’t stereotype and drag down a disabled group of people. The qualities listed above are not part of the dsm description of asd persons (though it might describe a particular asd person) and neurotypical people can also share these faults. So shout your story from the rooftops. But if you loop in the whole asd population with it, than you are doing something wrong.

PPs aren't saying the whole ASD population (please reread the thoughtfully written post below), just an increased incidence of abusive behavior associated with it. Neurodivergence on its own isn't problematic, but paired with a neurotypical spouse, it easily is. This is especially true when comorbidities like ADHD, anxiety/depression and personality disorders are involved, and they commonly are.

"Some of the traits that go along with autism (and ADHD, which is highly co-morbid) do make it more likely for an individual to become abusive, and there is a subset (maybe a very small one) of autistic people for whom this plays out. It's tough for us living with a partner like this, and leaving would be much more complicated than leaving a "traditional" abusive situation. I find posts like this helpful and somewhat therapeutic. I get good advice, feel that the other posters understand me to a T, and feel less alone. We all paint the exact same picture, and there is a lot of research out there to back it up (and I have done my research, not to blame my DH, but to learn more about my special needs child). Please don't deny my (or other's) reality. I am not denying yours, just saying mine is different than yours."

Bear with me in this-- for my DH of 20 years recently diagnosed, I have much greater empathy for his struggles all these years and strengths. I also have the clarity to know his actions are unbearably controlling and abusive, they will not measurably change and I need to exit for the safety of myself and our children. To negate that ASD and abuse cycles don't correlate on even some level, is deeply damaging.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: Instead, the argument is don’t stereotype and drag down a disabled group of people. The qualities listed above are not part of the dsm description of asd persons (though it might describe a particular asd person) and neurotypical people can also share these faults. So shout your story from the rooftops. But if you loop in the whole asd population with it, than you are doing something wrong.

PPs aren't saying the whole ASD population (please reread the thoughtfully written post below), just an increased incidence of abusive behavior associated with it. Neurodivergence on its own isn't problematic, but paired with a neurotypical spouse, it easily is. This is especially true when comorbidities like ADHD, anxiety/depression and personality disorders are involved, and they commonly are.

"Some of the traits that go along with autism (and ADHD, which is highly co-morbid) do make it more likely for an individual to become abusive, and there is a subset (maybe a very small one) of autistic people for whom this plays out. It's tough for us living with a partner like this, and leaving would be much more complicated than leaving a "traditional" abusive situation. I find posts like this helpful and somewhat therapeutic. I get good advice, feel that the other posters understand me to a T, and feel less alone. We all paint the exact same picture, and there is a lot of research out there to back it up (and I have done my research, not to blame my DH, but to learn more about my special needs child). Please don't deny my (or other's) reality. I am not denying yours, just saying mine is different than yours."

Bear with me in this-- for my DH of 20 years recently diagnosed, I have much greater empathy for his struggles all these years and strengths. I also have the clarity to know his actions are unbearably controlling and abusive, they will not measurably change and I need to exit for the safety of myself and our children. To negate that ASD and abuse cycles don't correlate on even some level, is deeply damaging.

yes, but since that is, on some level, true of every disorder, disability and mental health issue that I can think of (including asd) it’s just not that compelling of a point.

[Anonymous]

https://www.spectrumnews.org/features/deep-dive/how-abuse-mars-the-lives-of-autistic-people/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:https://www.spectrumnews.org/features/deep-dive/how-abuse-mars-the-lives-of-autistic-people/

Sad, but irrwlevant

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: Instead, the argument is don’t stereotype and drag down a disabled group of people. The qualities listed above are not part of the dsm description of asd persons (though it might describe a particular asd person) and neurotypical people can also share these faults. So shout your story from the rooftops. But if you loop in the whole asd population with it, than you are doing something wrong.

PPs aren't saying the whole ASD population (please reread the thoughtfully written post below), just an increased incidence of abusive behavior associated with it. Neurodivergence on its own isn't problematic, but paired with a neurotypical spouse, it easily is. This is especially true when comorbidities like ADHD, anxiety/depression and personality disorders are involved, and they commonly are.

"Some of the traits that go along with autism (and ADHD, which is highly co-morbid) do make it more likely for an individual to become abusive, and there is a subset (maybe a very small one) of autistic people for whom this plays out. It's tough for us living with a partner like this, and leaving would be much more complicated than leaving a "traditional" abusive situation. I find posts like this helpful and somewhat therapeutic. I get good advice, feel that the other posters understand me to a T, and feel less alone. We all paint the exact same picture, and there is a lot of research out there to back it up (and I have done my research, not to blame my DH, but to learn more about my special needs child). Please don't deny my (or other's) reality. I am not denying yours, just saying mine is different than yours."

Bear with me in this-- for my DH of 20 years recently diagnosed, I have much greater empathy for his struggles all these years and strengths. I also have the clarity to know his actions are unbearably controlling and abusive, they will not measurably change and I need to exit for the safety of myself and our children. To negate that ASD and abuse cycles don't correlate on even some level, is deeply damaging.

yes, but since that is, on some level, true of every disorder, disability and mental health issue that I can think of (including asd) it’s just not that compelling of a point.

I’m sorry, that was rude. I am sorry to hear about your situation. 20 year marriage is a long time. It just seems cruel that the same love to describe people with these struggles is also used to describe so many people who have the same underlying neurological condition and are so kind and gentle.

[Anonymous]

The main way to stay kind and gentle as an ASD is to live a simple life and avoid getting overwhelmed by new things or increased responsibilities- like children, a house, a job promotion, etc.

And make sure your spouse and family give you tons of decompression and alone time after 6pm. It was a busy day at the office dealing with people or tasks!

[Anonymous]

Other advice: asd should marry asd or not marry. Do not have children; they require tons of work and tons of care and tons of verbal communication/connecting.

[Anonymous]

For anyone going through the issues mentioned here, I highly recommend checking out AANE. They have a wealth of information for spouses, including absolutely invaluable listserves for spouses and around topics like co-parenting. It is incredible to read these shared experiences in a forum of others going through the same thing.

They also have couples therapy, a 101 couples course, and tons of other resources. I love Grace Myhill's spouses group zoom. She will give you group coaching around important topics and very usable information, such as quick formulas for communicating effectively. I tried her method, and literally it was like I was speaking a new language. My husband lit up and totally helped in the way that I was asking. High recommend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The main way to stay kind and gentle as an ASD is to live a simple life and avoid getting overwhelmed by new things or increased responsibilities- like children, a house, a job promotion, etc.

And make sure your spouse and family give you tons of decompression and alone time after 6pm. It was a busy day at the office dealing with people or tasks!

Agree. I live like a single mother who has a male houseguest, who occasionally interacts with us. I kicked him out of the bedroom, and signed the kids up for a ton of activities so that they can get more social immersion outside of our home post pandemic. Its lonely and hard, but I am happier now than I have been bc I know I am doing the best for them that I can. He has stopped working at this point, and can't find his way back to the workforce. I guess I can drop the "high-functioning " part , lol. Fingers crossed that I can find a remote job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Other advice: asd should marry asd or not marry. Do not have children; they require tons of work and tons of care and tons of verbal communication/connecting.

my in laws are on the spectrum.....I am still shocked at the risks and sheer negligence that my asd husband and his siblings lived through..... It was not healthy, and set up a series of bizarre contexts that compounded his social shortcomings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For anyone going through the issues mentioned here, I highly recommend checking out AANE. They have a wealth of information for spouses, including absolutely invaluable listserves for spouses and around topics like co-parenting. It is incredible to read these shared experiences in a forum of others going through the same thing.

They also have couples therapy, a 101 couples course, and tons of other resources. I love Grace Myhill's spouses group zoom. She will give you group coaching around important topics and very usable information, such as quick formulas for communicating effectively. I tried her method, and literally it was like I was speaking a new language. My husband lit up and totally helped in the way that I was asking. High recommend.

And I will add that my married experience has been nothing short of hell, in case the above sounds too rosy. ASD often has comorbities, in our case, ADHD and Bipolar. I was consumed for several years in the fog of the abuse and cruelty of my marriage, but after a lot of therapy, a peloton, and AANE, have started to come back into my own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The main way to stay kind and gentle as an ASD is to live a simple life and avoid getting overwhelmed by new things or increased responsibilities- like children, a house, a job promotion, etc.

And make sure your spouse and family give you tons of decompression and alone time after 6pm. It was a busy day at the office dealing with people or tasks!

And travel. Do not plan a vacation to a new place with these types unless you are fully prepared to do everything - pack, plan, drive, meals, purchases, and keep everyone safe. Good luck if you have young kids to care for too.