Asperger marriage

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Adults do. Similar to alcoholics. They hide and perform all of the time - when out of the house or dating.

Unfortuately, all the therapy that helps many with austism appear "normal" in order to get through school, college, find a partner, etc. is just masking. It becomes harder and harder to basically live a lie. After 20 years or more, they at least stop hiding it in the comfort of their homes and the fallout harms primarily the spouse. I had no idea of the kind of person my husband really was into about 4 years into the marriage and it got progessively worse. 20 years in, I am under constant verbal and emotional abuse. I woud never have married him had I know. Outside the house, he acts like a normal, functioning member of society, then at home, he stops all the acting and it's a nightmare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Adults do. Similar to alcoholics. They hide and perform all of the time - when out of the house or dating.

Unfortuately, all the therapy that helps many with austism appear "normal" in order to get through school, college, find a partner, etc. is just masking. It becomes harder and harder to basically live a lie. After 20 years or more, they at least stop hiding it in the comfort of their homes and the fallout harms primarily the spouse. I had no idea of the kind of person my husband really was into about 4 years into the marriage and it got progessively worse. 20 years in, I am under constant verbal and emotional abuse. I woud never have married him had I know. Outside the house, he acts like a normal, functioning member of society, then at home, he stops all the acting and it's a nightmare.[/quote

THat is not how it works. Why waste time spreading ignorance? you are also demeaning and dehumanizing a whole group of people that struggle enough as it is. I am so sorry you have married an abusive husband, BUT, this is not a description of autism. It is a description of emotional and psychological abuse. Your husband has no “disorder” to defend his actions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Adults do. Similar to alcoholics. They hide and perform all of the time - when out of the house or dating.

? ASD is a developmental disorder, not addiction. Manipulation and masking is not part of the description! When Dr Asperger defined Aspergers Syndrome, he was describing a group of children so disabled by their social deficiencies that being systemically killed by the Nazis was on the table. These people have the intellect to perform, but have significant social deficiencies. They don’t have the social intelligence all day long or “trickg” people into marriage. If you’ve actually interacted with a high-functioning person, you’ll find that they say dumb and offensive things to their spouse AND their boss. But not like, calling someone expletives. More like, hey that dress doesn’t look good on you. Why did you buy it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Adults do. Similar to alcoholics. They hide and perform all of the time - when out of the house or dating.

Unfortuately, all the therapy that helps many with austism appear "normal" in order to get through school, college, find a partner, etc. is just masking. It becomes harder and harder to basically live a lie. After 20 years or more, they at least stop hiding it in the comfort of their homes and the fallout harms primarily the spouse. I had no idea of the kind of person my husband really was into about 4 years into the marriage and it got progessively worse. 20 years in, I am under constant verbal and emotional abuse. I woud never have married him had I know. Outside the house, he acts like a normal, functioning member of society, then at home, he stops all the acting and it's a nightmare.

+1

Nailed it. This is so true! Outside the house DH is "perfect". Inside the house, I have more than once been intercepted calling the police on his violent rages. People don't understand until they live this nightmare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Adults do. Similar to alcoholics. They hide and perform all of the time - when out of the house or dating.

? ASD is a developmental disorder, not addiction. Manipulation and masking is not part of the description! When Dr Asperger defined Aspergers Syndrome, he was describing a group of children so disabled by their social deficiencies that being systemically killed by the Nazis was on the table. These people have the intellect to perform, but have significant social deficiencies. They don’t have the social intelligence all day long or “trickg” people into marriage. If you’ve actually interacted with a high-functioning person, you’ll find that they say dumb and offensive things to their spouse AND their boss. But not like, calling someone expletives. More like, hey that dress doesn’t look good on you. Why did you buy it?

Be grateful you don't have to be subjected to the abuses. You can't speak for someone else's hell.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I like how autistic people are the problem here. Maybe dont marry someone you barely understand. But I guess if you’re desperate for a ring and have a superficial checklist in mind, these types of poor matches are inevitable.

I'd venture to say that autistic people marry people they barely understand more often than the other way around.

+1 our therapist said high functioning asd dh was very good at masking to hide the ASD and at the same time gravitated towards me for skillsets he intuitively knows that he lacks: extroverted, organized, etc. This is all happening subconsciously as an act of survival, so it's not like there's any malice behind DH doing this. As the pairing goes on over the years, the mask falls off and we're left with a high conflict marriage.

So I feel tricked but at the same time I'm supposed to now understand DH doesn't mean to trick me. In fact his ASD doesn't even allow any of that awareness. This line of thought bothers me because it doesn't allow DH any agency over his actions. And it leaves me left holding the bag to deal with the emotional fallout of our marriage, while DH is supposedly blissfully unaware.

At some point it doesn’t matter what’s driving all the bad habits, lack of manners, temper tantrums. It’s abusive and bad for you, the kids, and the hFa.

The HFA needs a simple, simple life with very few responsibilities.

This might sound crazy to people with non-autistic spouses, but you need to be very clear about what you won’t allow. They need clear rules and expectations. I had to tell my husband that he was not allowed to call me a f*king b*tch, or to curse at me at all. You would think this is something obvious, but it apparently is not for people with autism

You’re kidding. You think it’s possible to set boundaries with a raging aspie who never thinks they are wrong and have a totally different interpretation of everything that happens, never takes responsibility and always blames someone else?!? Good luck with that.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Adults do. Similar to alcoholics. They hide and perform all of the time - when out of the house or dating.

? ASD is a developmental disorder, not addiction. Manipulation and masking is not part of the description! When Dr Asperger defined Aspergers Syndrome, he was describing a group of children so disabled by their social deficiencies that being systemically killed by the Nazis was on the table. These people have the intellect to perform, but have significant social deficiencies. They don’t have the social intelligence all day long or “trickg” people into marriage. If you’ve actually interacted with a high-functioning person, you’ll find that they say dumb and offensive things to their spouse AND their boss. But not like, calling someone expletives. More like, hey that dress doesn’t look good on you. Why did you buy it?

Be grateful you don't have to be subjected to the abuses. You can't speak for someone else's hell.

I am grateful.. I can say just as confidently that these abuses are not due to autism. But I do understand the need to “defend” a spouse with a label instead of confronting the truth that the person CAN choose to come home and be kind, but chooses not to. But facts are that victims often defend abusers .The bee in my bonnet is that instead of recognizing this, people malign a group that has... a disability! It’s just so sad on so many levels.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Adults do. Similar to alcoholics. They hide and perform all of the time - when out of the house or dating.

Unfortuately, all the therapy that helps many with austism appear "normal" in order to get through school, college, find a partner, etc. is just masking. It becomes harder and harder to basically live a lie. After 20 years or more, they at least stop hiding it in the comfort of their homes and the fallout harms primarily the spouse. I had no idea of the kind of person my husband really was into about 4 years into the marriage and it got progessively worse. 20 years in, I am under constant verbal and emotional abuse. I woud never have married him had I know. Outside the house, he acts like a normal, functioning member of society, then at home, he stops all the acting and it's a nightmare.

+1

Nailed it. This is so true! Outside the house DH is "perfect". Inside the house, I have more than once been intercepted calling the police on his violent rages. People don't understand until they live this nightmare.

I am so sorry. That is not okay. It sounds like you’re living in an abusive home. Diagnosis or no diagnosis that is not okay and I am hoping that one day you can leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Adults do. Similar to alcoholics. They hide and perform all of the time - when out of the house or dating.

? ASD is a developmental disorder, not addiction. Manipulation and masking is not part of the description! When Dr Asperger defined Aspergers Syndrome, he was describing a group of children so disabled by their social deficiencies that being systemically killed by the Nazis was on the table. These people have the intellect to perform, but have significant social deficiencies. They don’t have the social intelligence all day long or “trickg” people into marriage. If you’ve actually interacted with a high-functioning person, you’ll find that they say dumb and offensive things to their spouse AND their boss. But not like, calling someone expletives. More like, hey that dress doesn’t look good on you. Why did you buy it?

Be grateful you don't have to be subjected to the abuses. You can't speak for someone else's hell.

I am grateful.. I can say just as confidently that these abuses are not due to autism. But I do understand the need to “defend” a spouse with a label instead of confronting the truth that the person CAN choose to come home and be kind, but chooses not to. But facts are that victims often defend abusers .The bee in my bonnet is that instead of recognizing this, people malign a group that has... a disability! It’s just so sad on so many levels.

You don't know that. You likely have a child with a dx, and that is fine, and you may be defensive and/or that child may not have rages - but you can't paint every HFA with YOUR brush.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Adults do. Similar to alcoholics. They hide and perform all of the time - when out of the house or dating.

? ASD is a developmental disorder, not addiction. Manipulation and masking is not part of the description! When Dr Asperger defined Aspergers Syndrome, he was describing a group of children so disabled by their social deficiencies that being systemically killed by the Nazis was on the table. These people have the intellect to perform, but have significant social deficiencies. They don’t have the social intelligence all day long or “trickg” people into marriage. If you’ve actually interacted with a high-functioning person, you’ll find that they say dumb and offensive things to their spouse AND their boss. But not like, calling someone expletives. More like, hey that dress doesn’t look good on you. Why did you buy it?

Be grateful you don't have to be subjected to the abuses. You can't speak for someone else's hell.

I am grateful.. I can say just as confidently that these abuses are not due to autism. But I do understand the need to “defend” a spouse with a label instead of confronting the truth that the person CAN choose to come home and be kind, but chooses not to. But facts are that victims often defend abusers .The bee in my bonnet is that instead of recognizing this, people malign a group that has... a disability! It’s just so sad on so many levels.

Why are you pretending to know who has a disability and who does not? You sound crazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I like how autistic people are the problem here. Maybe dont marry someone you barely understand. But I guess if you’re desperate for a ring and have a superficial checklist in mind, these types of poor matches are inevitable.

I'd venture to say that autistic people marry people they barely understand more often than the other way around.

+1 our therapist said high functioning asd dh was very good at masking to hide the ASD and at the same time gravitated towards me for skillsets he intuitively knows that he lacks: extroverted, organized, etc. This is all happening subconsciously as an act of survival, so it's not like there's any malice behind DH doing this. As the pairing goes on over the years, the mask falls off and we're left with a high conflict marriage.

So I feel tricked but at the same time I'm supposed to now understand DH doesn't mean to trick me. In fact his ASD doesn't even allow any of that awareness. This line of thought bothers me because it doesn't allow DH any agency over his actions. And it leaves me left holding the bag to deal with the emotional fallout of our marriage, while DH is supposedly blissfully unaware.

This is me 100% ...emitional fallout of the marriage, plus the other consequences. I backpedaled on my career and mommy tracked to help him go for an MBA & much bigger promotion, only for him to drop out of the workforce entirely. Its a stunning reversal, trying to find my way back in a way that feels structurally impossible given my workload on our personal life, children's sports, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Adults do. Similar to alcoholics. They hide and perform all of the time - when out of the house or dating.

? ASD is a developmental disorder, not addiction. Manipulation and masking is not part of the description! When Dr Asperger defined Aspergers Syndrome, he was describing a group of children so disabled by their social deficiencies that being systemically killed by the Nazis was on the table. These people have the intellect to perform, but have significant social deficiencies. They don’t have the social intelligence all day long or “trickg” people into marriage. If you’ve actually interacted with a high-functioning person, you’ll find that they say dumb and offensive things to their spouse AND their boss. But not like, calling someone expletives. More like, hey that dress doesn’t look good on you. Why did you buy it?

Be grateful you don't have to be subjected to the abuses. You can't speak for someone else's hell.

I am grateful.. I can say just as confidently that these abuses are not due to autism. But I do understand the need to “defend” a spouse with a label instead of confronting the truth that the person CAN choose to come home and be kind, but chooses not to. But facts are that victims often defend abusers .The bee in my bonnet is that instead of recognizing this, people malign a group that has... a disability! It’s just so sad on so many levels.

Why are you pretending to know who has a disability and who does not? You sound crazy.[/

why are these people pretending their spouse has a diagnosis when they don’t?

[Anonymous]

This has been a real eye-opening thread. I’ve been with DH for 25 years. Lots of conflict over:

Took risks with the kids when they were young
Inability to stick to routines or actually parent them
Zero help with social life mgt for us or kids
Zero help with anything related to the kids like extracurriculars unless related to his personal interest
Rudeness in restaurants/public
Inappropriate comments in social settings, actually everywhere
Zero executive functioning ability
Hates change, refused to move for years despite kids being in poor schools
Zero ability to connect with kids beyond teasing or his one sport of interest
Never shows empathy to me and any situation I’m in that could be painful
Drinks daily to handle high anxiety
Was insanely hyperactive and hyper sexual until his early 50s (no affairs, but expected sex daily)
Cannot engage in anything but superficial convos
Never remembers bdays, special occasions etc.
In arguments with me, appears to only hear 20% of what I say, nitpicks that 20%, never affirms my experiences
Can be incredibly bossy/overbearing, never picks up on social cues

I thought all of these traits were ADHD (one of our children is diagnosed ADHD) although he was never diagnosed as a child. He has never been emotionally abusive, does not have tantrums as described in this thread. But, I’ve felt like a single parent since day 1 and the loneliness of not being with someone who can emotionally connect with me is breaking me apart.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This has been a real eye-opening thread. I’ve been with DH for 25 years. Lots of conflict over:

Took risks with the kids when they were young
Inability to stick to routines or actually parent them
Zero help with social life mgt for us or kids
Zero help with anything related to the kids like extracurriculars unless related to his personal interest
Rudeness in restaurants/public
Inappropriate comments in social settings, actually everywhere
Zero executive functioning ability
Hates change, refused to move for years despite kids being in poor schools
Zero ability to connect with kids beyond teasing or his one sport of interest
Never shows empathy to me and any situation I’m in that could be painful
Drinks daily to handle high anxiety
Was insanely hyperactive and hyper sexual until his early 50s (no affairs, but expected sex daily)
Cannot engage in anything but superficial convos
Never remembers bdays, special occasions etc.
In arguments with me, appears to only hear 20% of what I say, nitpicks that 20%, never affirms my experiences
Can be incredibly bossy/overbearing, never picks up on social cues

I thought all of these traits were ADHD (one of our children is diagnosed ADHD) although he was never diagnosed as a child. He has never been emotionally abusive, does not have tantrums as described in this thread. But, I’ve felt like a single parent since day 1 and the loneliness of not being with someone who can emotionally connect with me is breaking me apart.

This is exactly why this thread is damaging. Please, please, please educate yourself about these conditions (not on DCUM) and speak to a medical professional before concluding your spouse has a specific disorder. It’s embarrassing to you and dehumanizing to those with autism.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This has been a real eye-opening thread. I’ve been with DH for 25 years. Lots of conflict over:

Took risks with the kids when they were young
Inability to stick to routines or actually parent them
Zero help with social life mgt for us or kids
Zero help with anything related to the kids like extracurriculars unless related to his personal interest
Rudeness in restaurants/public
Inappropriate comments in social settings, actually everywhere
Zero executive functioning ability
Hates change, refused to move for years despite kids being in poor schools
Zero ability to connect with kids beyond teasing or his one sport of interest
Never shows empathy to me and any situation I’m in that could be painful
Drinks daily to handle high anxiety
Was insanely hyperactive and hyper sexual until his early 50s (no affairs, but expected sex daily)
Cannot engage in anything but superficial convos
Never remembers bdays, special occasions etc.
In arguments with me, appears to only hear 20% of what I say, nitpicks that 20%, never affirms my experiences
Can be incredibly bossy/overbearing, never picks up on social cues

I thought all of these traits were ADHD (one of our children is diagnosed ADHD) although he was never diagnosed as a child. He has never been emotionally abusive, does not have tantrums as described in this thread. But, I’ve felt like a single parent since day 1 and the loneliness of not being with someone who can emotionally connect with me is breaking me apart.

This is exactly why this thread is damaging. Please, please, please educate yourself about these conditions (not on DCUM) and speak to a medical professional before concluding your spouse has a specific disorder. It’s embarrassing to you and dehumanizing to those with autism.

Listen I’m not diagnosing or dehumanizing anyone. Move on