Why do some men check out of their kids' lives after divorce?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP. Some dads are just assholes. It is easy to leave a young baby. Especially one they didn’t parent when married. Sometimes they saunter back around when the kid is older or there is another woman in the picture.

Not all dads. Some.

I had a divorce lawyer tell me this during a consultation, she predicted that men don't leave unless they already have another lined up, and to prepare myself for the inevitable and that it would go, either way, he would become more involved in order to impress her with his good guyness, or he would cut off contact to keep her "happy."

Some men, not all but a good deal of them are utilitarian, others are there to meet their needs, and they want things to be easy and simple. As long as you meet their needs. let them maintain power and keep it light, they will stick around. If they have to leave they will, but they still need to get their needs met. The kind of person who checks out on a child is the kind of person who views people as utilitarian, and since children give back much less than they receive, what's the point really.

So fret not there is no way to explain to a child that they are nothing more than a toaster to their checked-out parent. It is what it is.

No judgment but if you are with someone who hasn't maintained contact with their children, no matter the roadblocks put in their way, you can try to delude yourself into thinking you are with a good person, but you aren't. You might just be the broken lid to their broken pot. Everybody is dealing with something, some are just more broken than others. Men who do this to their children are just more broken than most and the women who "love" them are likewise more broken than most.

Often dads are not allowed time with their kids. They get the absolute minimum and all kind of excuses are made to keep them from their kids. The system is set up to support moms. If a dad does not get his visit too bad. Courts do very little. Women find all kinds of reasons to justify their behavior and then complain dad is not involved. If you want dad involved you need to treat him as an equal parent and not an atm.

Oh, hey Angry Single Dad Troll. Of course you pop into this thread, slangin' the same ole trope.

+1000

This dude has become a caricature of himself. I mean, he was always that way, but now he's leveled up. Congrats, Angry Single Dad Troll.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My dad did this. I eventually realized it was his wife who set up a "It's her or me" dynamic. She was successful because to this day, my dad doesn't communicate with me unless I initiate, and talks as if he is speaking to a stranger he can't wait to get off the phone.

We now live in different countries, and I gave up going to see him a few years ago. She didn't want me staying at their house, and he always acted eager to get away to see his "grandkids" (ie, her kids) when I got him to come out to see me. He's never seen my child and never responded to pictures or updates, so I just stopped. It was too hurtful to me.

After years of trying and trying in the face of repeated rejections from him, I find it is better now that I have made a clean break.

I'm glad you've stopped chasing his love but this is a perfect example of your father being a sh*t and maybe you shouldn't blame his new wife. You have no clue what he told her about you and your siblings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with 11:48 (the long reply). Men are socialized to be passive in their social relationships and many depend heavily on their wives and girlfriends to set up and help them maintain relationships, to a degree they do not even realize. I know so many men who do not have any of their own friends, their wives arrange the family's social life 100% and they just go along and so it feels to them like they have real relationships. They get divorced and suddenly find it's hard to maintain relationships with friends and kids -- they've never had to do it alone before! So they give up because it's difficult or glom on to another girlfriend and go back to the passive role of letting her do everything.

This old trope. I don't know a single guy like this and I work mostly with men and only have brothers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm DW and have seen my son maybe 5 times in the last year. Op, you get used to not seeing your children. It's not too bad if they are safe and happy. It was very hard when he was 6-12 months, but easier at 3-4.
I live in a small apartment so he can go to a better school. He has his own room, a dog and all the internet he can have in his father's house. At 14, he does not miss either of us and spends also a lot of time with his aunt and uncle in VA (all his DL was from VA). I don't remember needing to be around my parents at 14. I just needed friends, shelter, food and I would add the internet now.
I'm glad I moved out when DC was a baby and he cannot remember the physical abuse and a father who was never around. His father actually came around after divorce and has been there for him since about age 4. Ex texts me every once in awhile to make a point of being the better parent and I just ignore it. It's not even a competition and my son would tell him to shut up if he said something like that in front of him. It reminds me why I left somebody who was not there for us when he was a baby but wants all the credit now. DC is so close to being 18 and he will probably cut us both off. We get along fine and don't make him come unless he really wants to come or do something when he is near (360), and it's very nice to see him. He is a good kid. It took me a lot to get him and myself away from all the abuse and dysfunction.

If thus is true, you are a very weird mother.

Yes, this sucks. You got him away from an abusive father and you ran away too. Keep telling yourself that doesn't hurt your child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have been a fully engaged mother so that I can disengage with zero guilt when each child turns 18. I will have done my duty, and they will owe me nothing. My happiness does not depend on my kids' choices for their lives. They know this.

What do you mean by disengage? I'm letting my kids fly but it's not like I'm going to be uninterested in them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm DW and have seen my son maybe 5 times in the last year. Op, you get used to not seeing your children. It's not too bad if they are safe and happy. It was very hard when he was 6-12 months, but easier at 3-4.
I live in a small apartment so he can go to a better school. He has his own room, a dog and all the internet he can have in his father's house. At 14, he does not miss either of us and spends also a lot of time with his aunt and uncle in VA (all his DL was from VA). I don't remember needing to be around my parents at 14. I just needed friends, shelter, food and I would add the internet now.
I'm glad I moved out when DC was a baby and he cannot remember the physical abuse and a father who was never around. His father actually came around after divorce and has been there for him since about age 4. Ex texts me every once in awhile to make a point of being the better parent and I just ignore it. It's not even a competition and my son would tell him to shut up if he said something like that in front of him. It reminds me why I left somebody who was not there for us when he was a baby but wants all the credit now. DC is so close to being 18 and he will probably cut us both off. We get along fine and don't make him come unless he really wants to come or do something when he is near (360), and it's very nice to see him. He is a good kid. It took me a lot to get him and myself away from all the abuse and dysfunction.

If thus is true, you are a very weird mother.

Yes, this sucks. You got him away from an abusive father and you ran away too. Keep telling yourself that doesn't hurt your child.

This is pathetic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because the Mom makes it so difficult on him and causes so much drama. She engages in parental alienation to turn the kid against him anyway and he’s just fighting a losing battle until he finally gives up.

living through this at the moment!

Fortunately, this is not the case for me. DW and I said on day 1 that the most important person in our lives is each other, no matter how many kids we have.

But I'm seeing this play out with close friends. Years ago, she kicked him out of their bedroom to co-sleep. Fast forward to Age 8, and they haven't shared a bed in 7 years.

Literally replaced by the child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My ex checked out of our lives a few years ago. He was focused on his girlfriends, discovering new bands and restaurants, and reliving his youth rather than spending any time with the children. Basically it was a textbook midlife crisis. So, 100% of parenting has fallen to me, which has been very difficult, but I have managed, and the kids and I are now in a good place with a nice, calm, happy life. We've grown roots in a new neighborhood and have built a new community.
And now my ex wants back "in". Presumably he had a romantic relationship end, and now he wants to start spending more time with the kids. I'm feeling resentful -- like we were disposable, and now he wants us to be available based on his whims. The whole thing feels very unfair to me and the kids.

Keep doing what you've been doing. Don't bend because he now wants to change the rules. Once he meets someone new it will be the same old story, so don't allow your kids or yourself to fall for it. Time to write him off for good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes men perceive their ex no longer doing behind the scenes logistical work to support their parenting. It is just as the very astute nanny described. The mom is still parenting the kids, but she is no longer wife-ing the ex-husband. He must stand on his own two feet as a parent, plan and execute quality time, manage all the kids' needs, and maintain a loving household on his own. He may perceive this sudden lack of support as sabotaging his parenting, but really it's a natural consequence of divorce and his own lack of initiative and skill.

Or dad just needs to be allowed to do it his way and allowed to do it without mom controlling everything.

I think this comment proves PP's point. The mom isn't there. The dad picks up the kids and.....what next? Does he just take them back to his place to play video games because he doesn't have anything else planned and he has spent X number of years relying on the mom to plan things? Or does he look ahead, make a plan, pack snacks, water, and sunscreen, and go on an adventure?

Kids eventually get tired of sitting in a dark apartment with no kid-friendly food and playing games. That's not the mom's fault.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with 11:48 (the long reply). Men are socialized to be passive in their social relationships and many depend heavily on their wives and girlfriends to set up and help them maintain relationships, to a degree they do not even realize. I know so many men who do not have any of their own friends, their wives arrange the family's social life 100% and they just go along and so it feels to them like they have real relationships. They get divorced and suddenly find it's hard to maintain relationships with friends and kids -- they've never had to do it alone before! So they give up because it's difficult or glom on to another girlfriend and go back to the passive role of letting her do everything.

This old trope. I don't know a single guy like this and I work mostly with men and only have brothers.

It's not a trope. I lived it. My ex is floundering and has to bounce from woman to woman to have any semblance of a life. My father was this way, my brother is this way, they all have SAH wives, I'm wondering if it is more common in that set up?

[Anonymous]

Familiarity breeds contempt. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Never stick around longer than 5 minutes. Live in complete isolation. Die alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes men perceive their ex no longer doing behind the scenes logistical work to support their parenting. It is just as the very astute nanny described. The mom is still parenting the kids, but she is no longer wife-ing the ex-husband. He must stand on his own two feet as a parent, plan and execute quality time, manage all the kids' needs, and maintain a loving household on his own. He may perceive this sudden lack of support as sabotaging his parenting, but really it's a natural consequence of divorce and his own lack of initiative and skill.

Or dad just needs to be allowed to do it his way and allowed to do it without mom controlling everything.

I think this comment proves PP's point. The mom isn't there. The dad picks up the kids and.....what next? Does he just take them back to his place to play video games because he doesn't have anything else planned and he has spent X number of years relying on the mom to plan things? Or does he look ahead, make a plan, pack snacks, water, and sunscreen, and go on an adventure?

Kids eventually get tired of sitting in a dark apartment with no kid-friendly food and playing games. That's not the mom's fault.

What do you want Dad to do if he only has a few hours? If Dad goes on a fun adventure Mom will complain. If they hang out and play video games mom will complain. Cannot win. You cannot be a parent with only visits.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP. Some dads are just assholes. It is easy to leave a young baby. Especially one they didn’t parent when married. Sometimes they saunter back around when the kid is older or there is another woman in the picture.

Not all dads. Some.

I had a divorce lawyer tell me this during a consultation, she predicted that men don't leave unless they already have another lined up, and to prepare myself for the inevitable and that it would go, either way, he would become more involved in order to impress her with his good guyness, or he would cut off contact to keep her "happy."

Some men, not all but a good deal of them are utilitarian, others are there to meet their needs, and they want things to be easy and simple. As long as you meet their needs. let them maintain power and keep it light, they will stick around. If they have to leave they will, but they still need to get their needs met. The kind of person who checks out on a child is the kind of person who views people as utilitarian, and since children give back much less than they receive, what's the point really.

So fret not there is no way to explain to a child that they are nothing more than a toaster to their checked-out parent. It is what it is.

No judgment but if you are with someone who hasn't maintained contact with their children, no matter the roadblocks put in their way, you can try to delude yourself into thinking you are with a good person, but you aren't. You might just be the broken lid to their broken pot. Everybody is dealing with something, some are just more broken than others. Men who do this to their children are just more broken than most and the women who "love" them are likewise more broken than most.

Often dads are not allowed time with their kids. They get the absolute minimum and all kind of excuses are made to keep them from their kids. The system is set up to support moms. If a dad does not get his visit too bad. Courts do very little. Women find all kinds of reasons to justify their behavior and then complain dad is not involved. If you want dad involved you need to treat him as an equal parent and not an atm.

This is very true. I had to fight to get custody of my kids as my ex-wife thinks that they are her property and me having access to kids should be in her control. Horrible if some women use kids to get even with their ex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because the Mom makes it so difficult on him and causes so much drama. She engages in parental alienation to turn the kid against him anyway and he’s just fighting a losing battle until he finally gives up.

So, he is letting his ex dictate his relationship with his own kids. He is a loser. No wonder she divorced him.

IMO, most men are selfish and can't deal with being a parent, taking care of himself and his own home all at once. They probably hardly took care of the kids and did any house chores when they were married, and that's partly why the wife couldn't stand him and wanted a divorce.

And in case someone thinks I'm projecting my own life, no, DH and I are married, 20 years, and he does most of the cooking and grocery shopping. But, I base my opinion on what I'm seeing in the lives of people I know, and dcum, and the fact that statistics show that women are the default parent, even if they work.

If they couldn't hack being an engaged parent while married, not sure why people would think he would be an engaged parent after getting a divorce.

Not sure why most of the single moms are trying too hard to put down their exs. You chose that person to have kids but then something didn't work your way so you are still pissed and bad mouthing them all the time. You are getting out what you put in and it is your fault too that relationship is this dysfunctional.

- A single mom

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes men perceive their ex no longer doing behind the scenes logistical work to support their parenting. It is just as the very astute nanny described. The mom is still parenting the kids, but she is no longer wife-ing the ex-husband. He must stand on his own two feet as a parent, plan and execute quality time, manage all the kids' needs, and maintain a loving household on his own. He may perceive this sudden lack of support as sabotaging his parenting, but really it's a natural consequence of divorce and his own lack of initiative and skill.

Or dad just needs to be allowed to do it his way and allowed to do it without mom controlling everything.

I think this comment proves PP's point. The mom isn't there. The dad picks up the kids and.....what next? Does he just take them back to his place to play video games because he doesn't have anything else planned and he has spent X number of years relying on the mom to plan things? Or does he look ahead, make a plan, pack snacks, water, and sunscreen, and go on an adventure?

Kids eventually get tired of sitting in a dark apartment with no kid-friendly food and playing games. That's not the mom's fault.

What do you want Dad to do if he only has a few hours? If Dad goes on a fun adventure Mom will complain. If they hang out and play video games mom will complain. Cannot win. You cannot be a parent with only visits.

Looks like Mom still wants to control the ex by telling her what to do with the kids during his time. LOL! No wonder you are divorced.