Why do some men check out of their kids' lives after divorce?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My dad did this. I eventually realized it was his wife who set up a "It's her or me" dynamic. She was successful because to this day, my dad doesn't communicate with me unless I initiate, and talks as if he is speaking to a stranger he can't wait to get off the phone.

We now live in different countries, and I gave up going to see him a few years ago. She didn't want me staying at their house, and he always acted eager to get away to see his "grandkids" (ie, her kids) when I got him to come out to see me. He's never seen my child and never responded to pictures or updates, so I just stopped. It was too hurtful to me.

After years of trying and trying in the face of repeated rejections from him, I find it is better now that I have made a clean break.

Good for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP. Some dads are just assholes. It is easy to leave a young baby. Especially one they didn’t parent when married. Sometimes they saunter back around when the kid is older or there is another woman in the picture.

Not all dads. Some.

I had a divorce lawyer tell me this during a consultation, she predicted that men don't leave unless they already have another lined up, and to prepare myself for the inevitable and that it would go, either way, he would become more involved in order to impress her with his good guyness, or he would cut off contact to keep her "happy."

Some men, not all but a good deal of them are utilitarian, others are there to meet their needs, and they want things to be easy and simple. As long as you meet their needs. let them maintain power and keep it light, they will stick around. If they have to leave they will, but they still need to get their needs met. The kind of person who checks out on a child is the kind of person who views people as utilitarian, and since children give back much less than they receive, what's the point really.

So fret not there is no way to explain to a child that they are nothing more than a toaster to their checked-out parent. It is what it is.

No judgment but if you are with someone who hasn't maintained contact with their children, no matter the roadblocks put in their way, you can try to delude yourself into thinking you are with a good person, but you aren't. You might just be the broken lid to their broken pot. Everybody is dealing with something, some are just more broken than others. Men who do this to their children are just more broken than most and the women who "love" them are likewise more broken than most.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP. Some dads are just assholes. It is easy to leave a young baby. Especially one they didn’t parent when married. Sometimes they saunter back around when the kid is older or there is another woman in the picture.

Not all dads. Some.

I had a divorce lawyer tell me this during a consultation, she predicted that men don't leave unless they already have another lined up, and to prepare myself for the inevitable and that it would go, either way, he would become more involved in order to impress her with his good guyness, or he would cut off contact to keep her "happy."

Some men, not all but a good deal of them are utilitarian, others are there to meet their needs, and they want things to be easy and simple. As long as you meet their needs. let them maintain power and keep it light, they will stick around. If they have to leave they will, but they still need to get their needs met. The kind of person who checks out on a child is the kind of person who views people as utilitarian, and since children give back much less than they receive, what's the point really.

So fret not there is no way to explain to a child that they are nothing more than a toaster to their checked-out parent. It is what it is.

No judgment but if you are with someone who hasn't maintained contact with their children, no matter the roadblocks put in their way, you can try to delude yourself into thinking you are with a good person, but you aren't. You might just be the broken lid to their broken pot. Everybody is dealing with something, some are just more broken than others. Men who do this to their children are just more broken than most and the women who "love" them are likewise more broken than most.

Often dads are not allowed time with their kids. They get the absolute minimum and all kind of excuses are made to keep them from their kids. The system is set up to support moms. If a dad does not get his visit too bad. Courts do very little. Women find all kinds of reasons to justify their behavior and then complain dad is not involved. If you want dad involved you need to treat him as an equal parent and not an atm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP. Some dads are just assholes. It is easy to leave a young baby. Especially one they didn’t parent when married. Sometimes they saunter back around when the kid is older or there is another woman in the picture.

Not all dads. Some.

Most dads are kept away with breastfeeding and bonding claims that it would be traumatic for the baby to be away from mom. If men don’t get to bond early on and pushed out, what do you expect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP. Some dads are just assholes. It is easy to leave a young baby. Especially one they didn’t parent when married. Sometimes they saunter back around when the kid is older or there is another woman in the picture.

Not all dads. Some.

I had a divorce lawyer tell me this during a consultation, she predicted that men don't leave unless they already have another lined up, and to prepare myself for the inevitable and that it would go, either way, he would become more involved in order to impress her with his good guyness, or he would cut off contact to keep her "happy."

Some men, not all but a good deal of them are utilitarian, others are there to meet their needs, and they want things to be easy and simple. As long as you meet their needs. let them maintain power and keep it light, they will stick around. If they have to leave they will, but they still need to get their needs met. The kind of person who checks out on a child is the kind of person who views people as utilitarian, and since children give back much less than they receive, what's the point really.

So fret not there is no way to explain to a child that they are nothing more than a toaster to their checked-out parent. It is what it is.

No judgment but if you are with someone who hasn't maintained contact with their children, no matter the roadblocks put in their way, you can try to delude yourself into thinking you are with a good person, but you aren't. You might just be the broken lid to their broken pot. Everybody is dealing with something, some are just more broken than others. Men who do this to their children are just more broken than most and the women who "love" them are likewise more broken than most.

Often dads are not allowed time with their kids. They get the absolute minimum and all kind of excuses are made to keep them from their kids. The system is set up to support moms. If a dad does not get his visit too bad. Courts do very little. Women find all kinds of reasons to justify their behavior and then complain dad is not involved. If you want dad involved you need to treat him as an equal parent and not an atm. [/quote

50:50 has been the standard for quite some time. Stop portraying dads as hapless children to whom things are done. Stop pretending it's the mother's job to facilitate, enable, support and nurture the relationship between the father and his children. If you've sired children on this earth, it is on YOU to preserve and maintain this relationship. You and no one else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Because the Mom makes it so difficult on him and causes so much drama. She engages in parental alienation to turn the kid against him anyway and he’s just fighting a losing battle until he finally gives up.

So, he is letting his ex dictate his relationship with his own kids. He is a loser. No wonder she divorced him.

IMO, most men are selfish and can't deal with being a parent, taking care of himself and his own home all at once. They probably hardly took care of the kids and did any house chores when they were married, and that's partly why the wife couldn't stand him and wanted a divorce.

And in case someone thinks I'm projecting my own life, no, DH and I are married, 20 years, and he does most of the cooking and grocery shopping. But, I base my opinion on what I'm seeing in the lives of people I know, and dcum, and the fact that statistics show that women are the default parent, even if they work.

If they couldn't hack being an engaged parent while married, not sure why people would think he would be an engaged parent after getting a divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a nanny and have seen this up close and personal in my own family and with two different nanny families. I am now in my 40’s and starting to see it play out among friends. I think it comes down to a few things:

1) Men are not socialized to have a baseline understanding of child development stages in the same ways that women are. They are also culturally programmed to believe that seeking out new information is a sign of weakness.

2) Developing and maintaining personal relationships is a skillset, but because women are socialized to develop those skills and men are not, the skillset is often invisible to men. They often don't realize the degree to which their friendships (even with other men) and family relationships (with extended family), and parent-child relationships may be largely a result of the emotional and logistical labor of their wife.

3) Men in our society are also taught that the only person they can be emotionally connected to is the woman they are currently having sex with.

The way all this (often) plays out in a heterosexual marriage and divorce is this:
When married, the wife supports many of the husband’s relationships by managing all the background logistics.

Example A) Dad can have a “Sunday morning pancake” ritual with the children because mom has made sure the children went to bed at a reasonable hour Saturday night, that there are the right ingredients and clean dishes in the kitchen, that the children’s Sunday morning is free from homework pressure, critical errands and housework and other social or extracurricular obligations for dad and children. Dad feels that because he is physically there making pancakes he has done this all himself. After the divorce, dad has to arrange for his own dishes and ingredients. He has to make weekend plans that leave time for the lazy Sunday mornings without having children who are crabby from being in the house all day Saturday doing nothing (or from doing too much on Saturday and being exhausted). Suddenly, this ritual is not going smoothly. Surely the difference is that the children are being badly influenced by mom. They were never this rude before. He is hurt and drops the routine, losing a point of connection to his kids.

Example B:
During marriage, mom made sure to watch like a hawk when sign-ups are due for Parent-teacher conferences. She diligently signs up right away for a slot that dad can most likely be available and puts it on the family calendar and reminds him a few days before. Dad goes to the conference and gets a good sense of how school is going for his child. After the divorce, parents decide that mom will attend the fall conference and dad will attend in spring. Dad doesn’t realize how quickly the good slots fill up, and doesn’t jump on the email right away. He ends up not being able to find a time that he can get away from work and blows off the conference, blaming mom for not warning him.

Example C: During the marriage, mom spent a lot of time arranging double dates, playdates and backyard barbecues with a handful of other moms, all of whom have children the same age as her kids. This means that she has a group of people she can call to help out with carpool snags and other logistical challenges. It also means that weekends are filled with social time where the families get together and the parents and kids all socialize. After the divorce, this group continues to socialize with mom because she formed the friendships. The dads may occasionally invite dad to a boys’ night out but he can’t readily call of this support network for favors to help him manage the kids’ routines during his custodial time. The result is that he struggles to maintain the kids’ routines, and they get frustrated that going to dad’s house on Thursdays means that they have to skip ballet because he can’t drive them, or that they won’t be able to swim in Larla’s pool on Saturday, because dad feels awkward setting up playdates with parents he feels have taken mom’s side. Child complains about things they are missing out on and dad ends up agreeing to less custody because the kid “only wants to be at mom’s house anyway.”

Example D: During the marriage, mom was constantly reading about (and discussing with other parents) developmental stages and parenting tools and strategies. She may also have done a good bit of babysitting or just spending time with the children of siblings or friends before becoming a parent herself. As the child transitions into new stages, mom is ready and has things like a high chair for solid foods, a potty seat for toilet training. She has developmentally-appropriate routines (nap and mealtimes, a bedtime routine) in place and developmentally-appropriate expectations of behavior. She knows that toddlers tantrum and tweens are argumentative. Even when dad is parenting solo, he is doing so in a framework she has established—he follows her bedtime routine while she is away for work, he knows to feed the kids dinner at 5. He knows the toddler needs an afternoon nap, not because of his own parenting knowledge but because he is following the routines and systems mom has put into place. When he runs into a discipline issue he may fall back on parenting strategies he has learned from watching her, and the consistency between parents makes the children more likely to comply with a consequence like “time out” because mom put in the work to show them what a time out is and to enforce sitting in time out. After the divorce, mom is no longer providing this framework. So as the children age into new stages, dad is working with outmoded information. The 3 year old no longer naps and therefore needs an earlier bedtime he throws 5 tantrums between 7 and 8pm. The tween is too old for timeouts and becomes rebellious and defiant at the command. The dad finds this sudden chaos overwhelming and thinks perhaps he is not a good parent. He cannot manage the kids and gradually reduces the time they are with him.

Example E: during the marriage, mom made sure to schedule monthly one-on-one outings for each kid with dad. She also managed many of the relationships with extended family: sending holiday presents, birthday cards, arranging face times and invites to recitals and soccer matches. After the divorce, dad finds that many of their couple friends “take her side,” and many of his family members aren't as present as they used to be. Now that he has all the children together during all of his parenting time, he finds it harder to connect with them emotionally. He feels very lonely and rejected. He begins dating shortly after the separation and is eager to get serious with someone because he is starved for emotional connection. Once he begins seriously dating another woman, his life becomes more fulfilling—girlfriend arranged meetups with her friends and their boyfriends or husbands. Instead of spending his non-custodial days along he is with her or her friends and family. His time with the children continues to be difficult and his girlfriend (who is now the primary relationship in his life), may also be absent more on days when he has the kids. His life with her (and without the kids), begins to feel more real to him than the slog of childcare and he gradually reduces the time he spends with his children. Over time he may go days, then weeks and in some case months without really thinking about the kids.

Wow, I think you nailed it. And I say this as someone whose DH does a lot, but some of this rings true for us, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP. Some dads are just assholes. It is easy to leave a young baby. Especially one they didn’t parent when married. Sometimes they saunter back around when the kid is older or there is another woman in the picture.

Not all dads. Some.

I had a divorce lawyer tell me this during a consultation, she predicted that men don't leave unless they already have another lined up, and to prepare myself for the inevitable and that it would go, either way, he would become more involved in order to impress her with his good guyness, or he would cut off contact to keep her "happy."

Some men, not all but a good deal of them are utilitarian, others are there to meet their needs, and they want things to be easy and simple. As long as you meet their needs. let them maintain power and keep it light, they will stick around. If they have to leave they will, but they still need to get their needs met. The kind of person who checks out on a child is the kind of person who views people as utilitarian, and since children give back much less than they receive, what's the point really.

So fret not there is no way to explain to a child that they are nothing more than a toaster to their checked-out parent. It is what it is.

No judgment but if you are with someone who hasn't maintained contact with their children, no matter the roadblocks put in their way, you can try to delude yourself into thinking you are with a good person, but you aren't. You might just be the broken lid to their broken pot. Everybody is dealing with something, some are just more broken than others. Men who do this to their children are just more broken than most and the women who "love" them are likewise more broken than most.

Often dads are not allowed time with their kids. They get the absolute minimum and all kind of excuses are made to keep them from their kids. The system is set up to support moms. If a dad does not get his visit too bad. Courts do very little. Women find all kinds of reasons to justify their behavior and then complain dad is not involved. If you want dad involved you need to treat him as an equal parent and not an atm.

Often times, men allow women to dictate their relationship with the kids, and it appears, men allow it, claiming "what can I do... it's the woman's fault I suck at beng a dad.. why can't she make life easier for me".

My sister did everything she could to have her ex see their kid. She never bad mouthed him ever. She said that as the kid grows up, he will see what kind of person he is. She doesn't need to tell the kid.

I can't imagine most moms would so easily give up on seeing their kids. Oh wait, nevermind, most moms either get full or partial custody anyways.

[Anonymous]

Sometimes men perceive their ex no longer doing behind the scenes logistical work to support their parenting. It is just as the very astute nanny described. The mom is still parenting the kids, but she is no longer wife-ing the ex-husband. He must stand on his own two feet as a parent, plan and execute quality time, manage all the kids' needs, and maintain a loving household on his own. He may perceive this sudden lack of support as sabotaging his parenting, but really it's a natural consequence of divorce and his own lack of initiative and skill.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes men perceive their ex no longer doing behind the scenes logistical work to support their parenting. It is just as the very astute nanny described. The mom is still parenting the kids, but she is no longer wife-ing the ex-husband. He must stand on his own two feet as a parent, plan and execute quality time, manage all the kids' needs, and maintain a loving household on his own. He may perceive this sudden lack of support as sabotaging his parenting, but really it's a natural consequence of divorce and his own lack of initiative and skill.

Or dad just needs to be allowed to do it his way and allowed to do it without mom controlling everything.

[Anonymous]

Love my Dh but I’m the glue that bonds the family together. He is great with kids and is very present, but I plan all the vacations, schedule all the play dates, find fun stuff for our family to do, read the parenting and discipline books and love to talk to him about what stages the kids are on. It’s just emotional labor that women take on and men don’t think to do. I’d imagine that after divorce they just don’t pick it all up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes men perceive their ex no longer doing behind the scenes logistical work to support their parenting. It is just as the very astute nanny described. The mom is still parenting the kids, but she is no longer wife-ing the ex-husband. He must stand on his own two feet as a parent, plan and execute quality time, manage all the kids' needs, and maintain a loving household on his own. He may perceive this sudden lack of support as sabotaging his parenting, but really it's a natural consequence of divorce and his own lack of initiative and skill.

Or dad just needs to be allowed to do it his way and allowed to do it without mom controlling everything.

Go for it. Do everything exactly how you want to on your custody time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP. Some dads are just assholes. It is easy to leave a young baby. Especially one they didn’t parent when married. Sometimes they saunter back around when the kid is older or there is another woman in the picture.

Not all dads. Some.

I had a divorce lawyer tell me this during a consultation, she predicted that men don't leave unless they already have another lined up, and to prepare myself for the inevitable and that it would go, either way, he would become more involved in order to impress her with his good guyness, or he would cut off contact to keep her "happy."

Some men, not all but a good deal of them are utilitarian, others are there to meet their needs, and they want things to be easy and simple. As long as you meet their needs. let them maintain power and keep it light, they will stick around. If they have to leave they will, but they still need to get their needs met. The kind of person who checks out on a child is the kind of person who views people as utilitarian, and since children give back much less than they receive, what's the point really.

So fret not there is no way to explain to a child that they are nothing more than a toaster to their checked-out parent. It is what it is.

No judgment but if you are with someone who hasn't maintained contact with their children, no matter the roadblocks put in their way, you can try to delude yourself into thinking you are with a good person, but you aren't. You might just be the broken lid to their broken pot. Everybody is dealing with something, some are just more broken than others. Men who do this to their children are just more broken than most and the women who "love" them are likewise more broken than most.

Often dads are not allowed time with their kids. They get the absolute minimum and all kind of excuses are made to keep them from their kids. The system is set up to support moms. If a dad does not get his visit too bad. Courts do very little. Women find all kinds of reasons to justify their behavior and then complain dad is not involved. If you want dad involved you need to treat him as an equal parent and not an atm.

Oh, hey Angry Single Dad Troll. Of course you pop into this thread, slangin' the same ole trope.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP. Some dads are just assholes. It is easy to leave a young baby. Especially one they didn’t parent when married. Sometimes they saunter back around when the kid is older or there is another woman in the picture.

Not all dads. Some.

I had a divorce lawyer tell me this during a consultation, she predicted that men don't leave unless they already have another lined up, and to prepare myself for the inevitable and that it would go, either way, he would become more involved in order to impress her with his good guyness, or he would cut off contact to keep her "happy."

Some men, not all but a good deal of them are utilitarian, others are there to meet their needs, and they want things to be easy and simple. As long as you meet their needs. let them maintain power and keep it light, they will stick around. If they have to leave they will, but they still need to get their needs met. The kind of person who checks out on a child is the kind of person who views people as utilitarian, and since children give back much less than they receive, what's the point really.

So fret not there is no way to explain to a child that they are nothing more than a toaster to their checked-out parent. It is what it is.

No judgment but if you are with someone who hasn't maintained contact with their children, no matter the roadblocks put in their way, you can try to delude yourself into thinking you are with a good person, but you aren't. You might just be the broken lid to their broken pot. Everybody is dealing with something, some are just more broken than others. Men who do this to their children are just more broken than most and the women who "love" them are likewise more broken than most.

Often dads are not allowed time with their kids. They get the absolute minimum and all kind of excuses are made to keep them from their kids. The system is set up to support moms. If a dad does not get his visit too bad. Courts do very little. Women find all kinds of reasons to justify their behavior and then complain dad is not involved. If you want dad involved you need to treat him as an equal parent and not an atm.

Oh, hey Angry Single Dad Troll. Of course you pop into this thread, slangin' the same ole trope.

Sorry but I would never stop trying for my children. No matter what. I would make the most of every bit of time no matter how small and no matter how their father behaved. The fact that you are willing to give up and not be involved says a lot about you as a parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because the Mom makes it so difficult on him and causes so much drama. She engages in parental alienation to turn the kid against him anyway and he’s just fighting a losing battle until he finally gives up.

OP here. This is a crude generalization. In the cases that I know, the moms went out of their way to facilitate and promote the kids' interactions with their fathers.

NP

Dearest OP - how is this considered a generalization... your question was general. You asked "why do SOME men...", and this PP answered. "because the mom makes is difficult on him....." I doubt this PP even thought their answer could be considered as pertaining to all men.

Why ask a question if you don't want people's opinions?

NP then you'll get an opinion back. I'll call out misogyny wherever I see it.