How to make a kid feel better about the college options they have

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This PP’s reply is simply amazing in its generosity and compassion:

Yes, it's a very hard admissions year out there. Maybe your DD would feel better knowing that just like she was waitlisted some places, ridiculous numbers of students who applied to Grinnell, for example, were waitlisted this year, including my senior with higher GPA and test scores. (I'm sure people could say the same for the other "safeties" on her list.) Supposedly Grinnell got 10,000 applications for fewer than 500 spots So while your DD treated it like a safety, it was a lottery for even those with high stats, and she got in. Congratulations!

If my kid were waitlisted with higher scores, and then somebody came on here complaining about her DD’s acceptance, I wouldn’t be nearly as kind. Seriously. This is crazy.

And FWIW, a true safety is a college you’re happy to attend.

Just to clarify something, a little off topic. Just because the class-size is 500, doesn't mean they only take 500. I would guess yield at Grinnel to be between 20 and 25%. So it's more like 10,000 apps for 2,000/2,500 acceptances. Still, acceptance rate is low and it stinks to see someone like OP complaining that it's the best her DD could do, when so many would gladly be in her position.

[Anonymous]

My DD and her friends have not found this year to be a "bloodbath" at all. I was feeling for the OP, till she got to W&M Monroe, Grinnell, and Skidmore. Those are all great schools that many kids would love to be accepted to. OP and her DD need to get over themselves, DD was exactly like 99% of the kids who applied to Ivies and top 10 schools so she had single digit change of getting accepted from the get-go.

This is an example of not managing your kid's expectations and not being honest with her that she should apply, but not get her hopes up. If accepted celebrate, but if not then don't be mopey. It's not a reflection on you - but the reality of a single digit acceptance rate where most kids have high GPAs, high test scores, and interesting EC's.

OP's DD has 3 solid choices, so learning to make lemonade and not mope around because she didn't get into Harvard is a good life lesson.

[Anonymous]

Ya'll need an attitude check. Showing up with a chip on your shoulder is a recipe for misery - her education is not complete until she understands this.

[Anonymous]

It’s unfortunate that only certain viewpoints are tolerated on DCUM. Public free speech, indeed.

[Anonymous]

My daughter is one of the average kids at our “Big 5”. Thought she’d be recruited for sports but it hasn’t worked out. Her reach schools aren’t close to being on the same level as your safeties. I will never stand around with DC moms and be able to brag about her school acceptances. I would get pity, all that money for “those” schools....

But she is excited about going to college and thinks that she’ll be happy at all the schools we’ve looked at, she can’t wait to play her sport for a club or intramural team since she can’t get on the varsity team. She is excited to find her place no matter where she ends up. And get a roommate, meet kids from other places, figure out the tutoring services, and get Chik FIL A (so many CFAs!) And that makes me so proud of her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My daughter is one of the average kids at our “Big 5”. Thought she’d be recruited for sports but it hasn’t worked out. Her reach schools aren’t close to being on the same level as your safeties. I will never stand around with DC moms and be able to brag about her school acceptances. I would get pity, all that money for “those” schools....

But she is excited about going to college and thinks that she’ll be happy at all the schools we’ve looked at, she can’t wait to play her sport for a club or intramural team since she can’t get on the varsity team. She is excited to find her place no matter where she ends up. And get a roommate, meet kids from other places, figure out the tutoring services, and get Chik FIL A (so many CFAs!) And that makes me so proud of her.

What school?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This PP’s reply is simply amazing in its generosity and compassion:

Yes, it's a very hard admissions year out there. Maybe your DD would feel better knowing that just like she was waitlisted some places, ridiculous numbers of students who applied to Grinnell, for example, were waitlisted this year, including my senior with higher GPA and test scores. (I'm sure people could say the same for the other "safeties" on her list.) Supposedly Grinnell got 10,000 applications for fewer than 500 spots So while your DD treated it like a safety, it was a lottery for even those with high stats, and she got in. Congratulations!

If my kid were waitlisted with higher scores, and then somebody came on here complaining about her DD’s acceptance, I wouldn’t be nearly as kind. Seriously. This is crazy.

And FWIW, a true safety is a college you’re happy to attend.

Just to clarify something, a little off topic. Just because the class-size is 500, doesn't mean they only take 500. I would guess yield at Grinnel to be between 20 and 25%. So it's more like 10,000 apps for 2,000/2,500 acceptances. Still, acceptance rate is low and it stinks to see someone like OP complaining that it's the best her DD could do, when so many would gladly be in her position.

Here are some actual numbers from a year or two ago. Looks closer to 2000 than 2500.

https://www.collegetuitioncompare.com/edu/153384/grinnell-college/admission/#:~:text=Admission%20Statistics,996%20women%20students%20were%20accepted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am with you OP. It has been tremendously stressful My "big 3" DD is very disappointed with her options (what her counselor said were foundational) and assumes she will be rejected by the remaining 4 she is waiting to hear from. I told her that I had to be realistic and that it's a lottery, and I just don't know. She may or may not get in. Not to take it personally.

She already talks of transferring. I told her that wherever she ends up, it might not be her dream school but if she likes the people she will not want to transfer, wherever she goes she will learn a lot, and it will all be fine.

She worked SO HARD in HS to get the grades, found some great ECs that she was truly interested in, not just padding. I feel for her. She is incredibly disappointed to the point of tears. I know this is a real world, teachable moment. But it is SO hard.

Do some of you actually use the term "dream school" with your kids? Because that starts the problem right there.

Do you also refer to their "dream man" or the "dream house" that they may have some day?

I'm seeing a pattern here that I personally don't like. And it starts with the adults in the room.

[Anonymous]

OP, for your DD, the lesson of humility is a good one, perhaps a needed one. I don't think you should try to make her feel better.

"It's been a very difficult year for college admissions". State the truth, but that's all.

[Anonymous]

I think y’all are being needlessly tough on OP/her daughter.

The amount of energy it takes to be a top high school student at a top school (especially in an intense area like DCUM-land!) is immense. One’s entire identity is wrapped up in being a good student and striving for the best. The sum of a full school day, extracurriculars, homework, basic self care, etc. is more intense — and involves more competing priorities — than most other busy periods in ones life.

OP’s daughter probably realized she worked to the point of deteriorating her QOL. She has a right to be frustrated with the situation even if the outcome is objectively fantastic.

[Anonymous]

OP,

Please consider encouraging your DD not to go to W&M. My DC is a Monroe scholar too and has a number of excellent choices. I would be thrilled if they chose W&M with this honor (and this not about the cost--we have no problem paying for an Ivy) and would prefer they attended with students who have the right attitude.

-mom with two Ivy degrees (who perhaps knows better because I've attended one)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP,

Please consider encouraging your DD not to go to W&M. My DC is a Monroe scholar too and has a number of excellent choices. I would be thrilled if they chose W&M with this honor (and this not about the cost--we have no problem paying for an Ivy) and would prefer they attended with students who have the right attitude.

-mom with two Ivy degrees (who perhaps knows better because I've attended one)

Is there a typo here? "not to go to W&M"?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think y’all are being needlessly tough on OP/her daughter.

The amount of energy it takes to be a top high school student at a top school (especially in an intense area like DCUM-land!) is immense. One’s entire identity is wrapped up in being a good student and striving for the best. The sum of a full school day, extracurriculars, homework, basic self care, etc. is more intense — and involves more competing priorities — than most other busy periods in ones life.

OP’s daughter probably realized she worked to the point of deteriorating her QOL. She has a right to be frustrated with the situation even if the outcome is objectively fantastic.

I think one issue is that OP doesn't realize that coming from a "Big 5" doesn't carry the same weight it might have once. This country is full of kids in public schools in areas outside of major urban centers who also work really hard, do extracurriculars, sports, and so forth, and also have great grades and test scores. Elite colleges want more of these kids, have the funds to subsidize their educations, and are less and less interested in hot-housed private school kids. Basically, take away "top 5 private" and OP's kid looks just like thousands and thousands of other kids around the country; nothing special or standout. She sounds like a smart, hard-working kid, and is getting accepted into exactly the match schools that suit her level of achievement. The issue is she thought she was better than that, but she really isn't.

[Anonymous]

I went to college a little over 20 years ago and made friends with a group of kids who had settled for the big state school rather than going to a more prestigious private school who had all gone to a competitive top governor's school for high school. 4 or 5 of them really struggled at the state school because they thought they were too smart or maybe too special to need to work at the intro level classes, and I mean they failed freshman level math and science classes because they didn't think they should have to work at them they way the rest of us regular high school students did. It can be really hard to overcome being told you are special for so much of your formative education. All of the schools she's been admitted to are fantastic schools full of incredibly smart and hardworking students who are just as special as she is. College is a blank slate. No one cares where you went to HS or what your grades were in HS once you are there, which can be either jarring or freeing. I hope she's resilient enough to get over whatever disappointment she's feeling now and put her best foot forward at whichever school she ends up at.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Parents and counselors need to change the lingo. Stop calling schools "safeties." These are schools that you are likely to get into and so likely the school you will go to. If you are in the middle 50th, then you and a bunch of others just like you are fighting for those spots, but there isn't enough room for all of you.

One college counselor I heard interviewed calls them exactly that, "likelies"

To add to this, for terminology, in my opinion "likely" is an appropriate term for the target/match range. (The problem comes when likely is misinterpreted as safety.)