DH has had a standing fri night zoom call with college buddies since pandemic began

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you overreacted, OP. I’m sorry! I have sympathy bc I know how annoying it is to put two kids to bed....but, if your DH helps the other six nights...then, I don’t see the issue?

The issue is OP resents her husband's weekly Friday night call with his friends. She has made herself into a martyr and since DH didn't choose to sacrifice himself the same way she has she is now at war with him.

This.

No she didn’t. She tried to take the time for herself one week and gave him warning. He didn’t step up! She communicated to him in appropriate form that she needed this time for herself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe I’m a lazy parent, but I don’t see what the problem was.

Mom did her zoom.

Dad did his zoom.

Kid played games.

What’s the issue?

Gentle tip: kids don’t need a bedtime story and to fall asleep at a certain time. Rigid parenting often creates monsters.

Here’s my approach:

“Dave, I’m zooming with the gals Friday night, so you’re in charge of the kids.” Then let him handle the kids however he likes. He handled the kids. There was no problem.

This was my reaction, too. What’s the big deal if the kid is quietly watching YouTube in a darkened room and goes to bed later once in a blue moon? The routine can be re-established tomorrow with both patents onboard. While I certainly understand OP’s frustration, I don’t think she should have yelled at her DH in front of his friends during the zoom call - that is indeed embarrassing. He has a legitimate gripe now that will undermine OP’s perspective, and will muddy the communication.

That being said, the fact that OP reacted that way reflects that this might be a long-standing issue between them.

My husband has this mentality. "It's just this once." It's always "this once" for lazy parenting hacks when he's on deck.

Exactly!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you overreacted, OP. I’m sorry! I have sympathy bc I know how annoying it is to put two kids to bed....but, if your DH helps the other six nights...then, I don’t see the issue?

The issue is OP resents her husband's weekly Friday night call with his friends. She has made herself into a martyr and since DH didn't choose to sacrifice himself the same way she has she is now at war with him.

This.

No she didn’t. She tried to take the time for herself one week and gave him warning. He didn’t step up! She communicated to him in appropriate form that she needed this time for herself.

And all she had to do was lighten up and allow her kid to fall asleep while using electronics this one time. She blew it up into a ridiculous drama unnecessarily.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m just really envious your husband get a social visit pass no matter what is going on. What other parent is guaranteed weekly free time?

No reason she couldn't claim Saturday nights to herself! The martyrdom is ridiculous.

Exactly. Use your words, OP. Preferably without controlling every one of your DH's parenting choices or yelling at him in front of his friends. They must think you're a lunatic.

+2 OP singlehandedly blew up a nothingburger into a drama. Team DH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe I’m a lazy parent, but I don’t see what the problem was.

Mom did her zoom.

Dad did his zoom.

Kid played games.

What’s the issue?

Gentle tip: kids don’t need a bedtime story and to fall asleep at a certain time. Rigid parenting often creates monsters.

Here’s my approach:

“Dave, I’m zooming with the gals Friday night, so you’re in charge of the kids.” Then let him handle the kids however he likes. He handled the kids. There was no problem.

This was my reaction, too. What’s the big deal if the kid is quietly watching YouTube in a darkened room and goes to bed later once in a blue moon? The routine can be re-established tomorrow with both patents onboard. While I certainly understand OP’s frustration, I don’t think she should have yelled at her DH in front of his friends during the zoom call - that is indeed embarrassing. He has a legitimate gripe now that will undermine OP’s perspective, and will muddy the communication.

That being said, the fact that OP reacted that way reflects that this might be a long-standing issue between them.

My husband has this mentality. "It's just this once." It's always "this once" for lazy parenting hacks when he's on deck.

Deviating from the routine is ok.

Heck, we do ice cream sundaes for dinner when we go to the beach. It’s not fatal...it’s fun.

Deviating from a routine when on vacation is far different from OP DH’s lazy parenting when it’s his turn.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you overreacted, OP. I’m sorry! I have sympathy bc I know how annoying it is to put two kids to bed....but, if your DH helps the other six nights...then, I don’t see the issue?

The issue is OP resents her husband's weekly Friday night call with his friends. She has made herself into a martyr and since DH didn't choose to sacrifice himself the same way she has she is now at war with him.

This.

No she didn’t. She tried to take the time for herself one week and gave him warning. He didn’t step up! She communicated to him in appropriate form that she needed this time for herself.

And all she had to do was lighten up and allow her kid to fall asleep while using electronics this one time. She blew it up into a ridiculous drama unnecessarily.

I'd go so far as to say it could be handled this way every Friday night with no lasting damage to DC. Too much drama over nothing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My first thought was that I can't believe how many people on here are defending the DH. Then I thought about it and it actually fits right in with so many DCUM posters...selfish to the last.

OP, you have every right to be mad. You discussed this beforehand, he agreed and then he bailed on you. He acted selfishly. All this nonsense PPs are going on about on here is irrelevant. He broke his word to you and did so after you have been accommodating of him for all these months. If it is not standard for you to have screens right before bed (which is universally recognized as a BAD idea for anyone right before sleep, but even worse if this is a kid known to have trouble getting to sleep), which seems apparent from your OP, he is doubly bad.

The people defending the DH are clearly selfish jerks and see themselves in your DH!

Ha! I thought the opposite. I hate to say it but some crazy, controlling moms out there given this thread. My DH doesn't know how lucky he has it.

You are warped if your takeaway from this situation is that she is controlling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does he participate with the nighttime routine on any other nights?

Take some time to focus on all the things he does do to contribute.

Take some time to figure out the full scope of your frustration.

Work on your response to frustration. Yelling in the house at night when the goal was to have sleeping children? He messed up in your eyes, but you messed up too. Yours actions were worse, if this is the only issue.

People like you are insufferable. Her actions were worse? Give me a break.

My guess is she finally broke after months of dealing with her selfish spouse. Straw, camel's back, all that.

True, so she picked a fight in front of his friends. Klamath! She needs therapy ASAP.

The #1 predictor for divorce is unfair fighting.

Where does not sharing duties fall? Pretty sure it’s high up there too!
Her dh is not some blameless victim of a shrew wife here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d never ask for a weekly standing date with friends for Friday. Maybe twice a month or join when I can. Neither would my partner. Maybe a Wednesday, but not end of the week when we are all run down from pandemic pressure.

Agree

There seems to be significant degree of self centeredness and control going in from the DH. Giving a kid a screen at 7 or 8 instead of tucking them in and lights out is BS. Kid is a own here.

He won’t even put the kid to bed to let his wife talk to a friend caring for a hospitalize Covid family member?

All to have another call within his old fraternity brothers? I can’t imagine any adult with you children being able to commit to a non urgent call before 8pm.

But it’s obvious it was more important for OP to see DH give up his weekly Zoom call for one night and put the difficult son to bed at the normal time than the actual call with the sick friend. Otherwise she would have prioritized staying on the call with her friend over yelling at husband to get off his zoom call and getting upset about son having additional electronics time in their room. Maybe it’s because I don’t have this kinda energy for perfect parenting but if I have a crisis call and I need the kids to be quiet and distracted with electronics or even a later bedtime, I can live with that one day out of 365. Even if my DH is on deck, the kids argue, sometimes aren’t listening etc, and I have to block that out and focus on what a I am trying to get done.

OMG, some of you are clearly projecting your own sh*t onto the OP. She prioritized her child's bedtime and wellbeing over her Zoom...as opposed to her selfish DH who prioritized his Zoom over everyone else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d never ask for a weekly standing date with friends for Friday. Maybe twice a month or join when I can. Neither would my partner. Maybe a Wednesday, but not end of the week when we are all run down from pandemic pressure.

Agree

There seems to be significant degree of self centeredness and control going in from the DH. Giving a kid a screen at 7 or 8 instead of tucking them in and lights out is BS. Kid is a own here.

He won’t even put the kid to bed to let his wife talk to a friend caring for a hospitalize Covid family member?

All to have another call within his old fraternity brothers? I can’t imagine any adult with you children being able to commit to a non urgent call before 8pm.

But it’s obvious it was more important for OP to see DH give up his weekly Zoom call for one night and put the difficult son to bed at the normal time than the actual call with the sick friend. Otherwise she would have prioritized staying on the call with her friend over yelling at husband to get off his zoom call and getting upset about son having additional electronics time in their room. Maybe it’s because I don’t have this kinda energy for perfect parenting but if I have a crisis call and I need the kids to be quiet and distracted with electronics or even a later bedtime, I can live with that one day out of 365. Even if my DH is on deck, the kids argue, sometimes aren’t listening etc, and I have to block that out and focus on what a I am trying to get done.

This. If I read her OP correctly, the house was quiet, instead of starting her call OP went looking for trouble. This tells me it's not about the call or time for herself. She wanted her DH to struggle with bedtime the way she does. She wanted him to miss his call with his friends, because she is resentful of these calls, this is further prooved by her choosing to start a fight while he was on the call.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m just really envious your husband get a social visit pass no matter what is going on. What other parent is guaranteed weekly free time?

No reason she couldn't claim Saturday nights to herself! The martyrdom is ridiculous.

People who call it martyrdom when one parent is consistent and the other isn't are ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m just really envious your husband get a social visit pass no matter what is going on. What other parent is guaranteed weekly free time?

No reason she couldn't claim Saturday nights to herself! The martyrdom is ridiculous.

So her entire zoom group needs to reschedule around dh’s? How long does he get to claim Friday night? Forever?

[Anonymous]

Wow - so many crappy spouses and parents on here defending the DH....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Advice for all younger women.
Do what you like and want and do it on regular basis. Nothing worse than a resentful spouse who is nasty, biting, but never actually goes to do things that they want.
Do you know how your male partner does this? Doesn't ask your permission for a simple thing as a zoom call? Do the same.
I go skiing on my own. I used to go to the movies, on my own. I go shopping on my own. I go on 2 hours walks, on my own(ok there is the dog too!).
I travel to Europe, on my own. I go on beach vacations on my own. I am also a great mom and a wife, and I do not resent my DH when he does things on his own.
You are welcome.

What do you do with your kids while off doing your thing?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does he participate with the nighttime routine on any other nights?

Take some time to focus on all the things he does do to contribute.

Take some time to figure out the full scope of your frustration.

Work on your response to frustration. Yelling in the house at night when the goal was to have sleeping children? He messed up in your eyes, but you messed up too. Yours actions were worse, if this is the only issue.

People like you are insufferable. Her actions were worse? Give me a break.

My guess is she finally broke after months of dealing with her selfish spouse. Straw, camel's back, all that.

True, so she picked a fight in front of his friends. Klamath! She needs therapy ASAP.

The #1 predictor for divorce is unfair fighting.

For all you know, this was her one breakdown. But the divorce will be all on her.

You people are laughable. Please step away from the armchair.