DH has had a standing fri night zoom call with college buddies since pandemic began

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does he participate with the nighttime routine on any other nights?

Take some time to focus on all the things he does do to contribute.

Take some time to figure out the full scope of your frustration.

Work on your response to frustration. Yelling in the house at night when the goal was to have sleeping children? He messed up in your eyes, but you messed up too. Yours actions were worse, if this is the only issue.

People like you are insufferable. Her actions were worse? Give me a break.

My guess is she finally broke after months of dealing with her selfish spouse. Straw, camel's back, all that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So rather than just wanting your DH to handle bedtime, you wanted him to handle bedtime EXACTLY the same way you would have. It's that attitude that is going to continue to cause problems in your marriage.

Oh come on. I am blown away by these responses. Whose definition of bedtime is letting their kids watch YouTube on a screen? He didn’t do it “his way” he just didn’t do it.

Same delinquent ex fathers on here attempting to normalize bad behavior. So obvious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My first thought was that I can't believe how many people on here are defending the DH. Then I thought about it and it actually fits right in with so many DCUM posters...selfish to the last.

OP, you have every right to be mad. You discussed this beforehand, he agreed and then he bailed on you. He acted selfishly. All this nonsense PPs are going on about on here is irrelevant. He broke his word to you and did so after you have been accommodating of him for all these months. If it is not standard for you to have screens right before bed (which is universally recognized as a BAD idea for anyone right before sleep, but even worse if this is a kid known to have trouble getting to sleep), which seems apparent from your OP, he is doubly bad.

The people defending the DH are clearly selfish jerks and see themselves in your DH!

Ha! I thought the opposite. I hate to say it but some crazy, controlling moms out there given this thread. My DH doesn't know how lucky he has it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe I’m a lazy parent, but I don’t see what the problem was.

Mom did her zoom.

Dad did his zoom.

Kid played games.

What’s the issue?

Gentle tip: kids don’t need a bedtime story and to fall asleep at a certain time. Rigid parenting often creates monsters.

Here’s my approach:

“Dave, I’m zooming with the gals Friday night, so you’re in charge of the kids.” Then let him handle the kids however he likes. He handled the kids. There was no problem.

This was my reaction, too. What’s the big deal if the kid is quietly watching YouTube in a darkened room and goes to bed later once in a blue moon? The routine can be re-established tomorrow with both patents onboard. While I certainly understand OP’s frustration, I don’t think she should have yelled at her DH in front of his friends during the zoom call - that is indeed embarrassing. He has a legitimate gripe now that will undermine OP’s perspective, and will muddy the communication.

That being said, the fact that OP reacted that way reflects that this might be a long-standing issue between them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe I’m a lazy parent, but I don’t see what the problem was.

Mom did her zoom.

Dad did his zoom.

Kid played games.

What’s the issue?

Gentle tip: kids don’t need a bedtime story and to fall asleep at a certain time. Rigid parenting often creates monsters.

Here’s my approach:

“Dave, I’m zooming with the gals Friday night, so you’re in charge of the kids.” Then let him handle the kids however he likes. He handled the kids. There was no problem.

This was my reaction, too. What’s the big deal if the kid is quietly watching YouTube in a darkened room and goes to bed later once in a blue moon? The routine can be re-established tomorrow with both patents onboard. While I certainly understand OP’s frustration, I don’t think she should have yelled at her DH in front of his friends during the zoom call - that is indeed embarrassing. He has a legitimate gripe now that will undermine OP’s perspective, and will muddy the communication.

That being said, the fact that OP reacted that way reflects that this might be a long-standing issue between them.

My husband has this mentality. "It's just this once." It's always "this once" for lazy parenting hacks when he's on deck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d never ask for a weekly standing date with friends for Friday. Maybe twice a month or join when I can. Neither would my partner. Maybe a Wednesday, but not end of the week when we are all run down from pandemic pressure.

Agree

There seems to be significant degree of self centeredness and control going in from the DH. Giving a kid a screen at 7 or 8 instead of tucking them in and lights out is BS. Kid is a own here.

He won’t even put the kid to bed to let his wife talk to a friend caring for a hospitalize Covid family member?

All to have another call within his old fraternity brothers? I can’t imagine any adult with you children being able to commit to a non urgent call before 8pm.

But it’s obvious it was more important for OP to see DH give up his weekly Zoom call for one night and put the difficult son to bed at the normal time than the actual call with the sick friend. Otherwise she would have prioritized staying on the call with her friend over yelling at husband to get off his zoom call and getting upset about son having additional electronics time in their room. Maybe it’s because I don’t have this kinda energy for perfect parenting but if I have a crisis call and I need the kids to be quiet and distracted with electronics or even a later bedtime, I can live with that one day out of 365. Even if my DH is on deck, the kids argue, sometimes aren’t listening etc, and I have to block that out and focus on what a I am trying to get done.

[Anonymous]

Op, you sound like you resent your husband’s Friday night calls. I agree that he should have put the kid to bed before joining his Zoom, but you should have held it in until after he was off his call. It is not cool to yell at him in front of his friends.
Your child sounds like he is at least early elementary age if he is on distance learning. Why is it so hard to get him to go to bed? You and your husband should work on that, it isn’t as though the child is a toddler who doesn’t understand rules. Cut the screen time and let him get outside instead. Do you have a backyard that he can play in while you work nearby? Are you able to take work calls while walking outside? Can you and your husband do shifts for kid duty so that you each get six uninterrupted work hours (7-1, 1-7) while the kids’ needs are being taken care of? I don’t think that it is a problem to hand a screen to a kid once in a while when you have something pressing to attend to, but if that’s your everyday solution, it might be part of the problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m just really envious your husband get a social visit pass no matter what is going on. What other parent is guaranteed weekly free time?

No reason she couldn't claim Saturday nights to herself! The martyrdom is ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did you agree to a call at the same time as his existing call? Why didn't you ask your friend's to do your call Saturday night and he could cover the kids then?

Oh my, you dont get it at all. It's her freaking turn. The husband needs to step up and own up to half of all household and childcare duties. He is lazy and selfish.

There are 7 days in a week. She deliberately scheduled a call to interfere with her husband's connection with his friends and unloaded on him mid-call. That's called spousal abuse and if the situation was switched you all would be telling her to get a divorce.

Nver change, DCUM, never change!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, you are crazy abusive and controlling. You knew he had a standing appointment once/week. Yet you just had to create a conflict, passive aggressively try to push things off, and then lost it like a crazy person. So embarrassing.

If you’re resentful about his Friday calls just say so and talk about it like an adult.

*He* created a conflict by not handling his parenting. *She* put one of two kids down before her call.

He handled his parenting, just not exactly in the way OP would have preferred.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does he participate with the nighttime routine on any other nights?

Take some time to focus on all the things he does do to contribute.

Take some time to figure out the full scope of your frustration.

Work on your response to frustration. Yelling in the house at night when the goal was to have sleeping children? He messed up in your eyes, but you messed up too. Yours actions were worse, if this is the only issue.

People like you are insufferable. Her actions were worse? Give me a break.

My guess is she finally broke after months of dealing with her selfish spouse. Straw, camel's back, all that.

True, so she picked a fight in front of his friends. Klamath! She needs therapy ASAP.

The #1 predictor for divorce is unfair fighting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d never ask for a weekly standing date with friends for Friday. Maybe twice a month or join when I can. Neither would my partner. Maybe a Wednesday, but not end of the week when we are all run down from pandemic pressure.

Agree

There seems to be significant degree of self centeredness and control going in from the DH. Giving a kid a screen at 7 or 8 instead of tucking them in and lights out is BS. Kid is a own here.

He won’t even put the kid to bed to let his wife talk to a friend caring for a hospitalize Covid family member?

All to have another call within his old fraternity brothers? I can’t imagine any adult with you children being able to commit to a non urgent call before 8pm.

But it’s obvious it was more important for OP to see DH give up his weekly Zoom call for one night and put the difficult son to bed at the normal time than the actual call with the sick friend. Otherwise she would have prioritized staying on the call with her friend over yelling at husband to get off his zoom call and getting upset about son having additional electronics time in their room. Maybe it’s because I don’t have this kinda energy for perfect parenting but if I have a crisis call and I need the kids to be quiet and distracted with electronics or even a later bedtime, I can live with that one day out of 365. Even if my DH is on deck, the kids argue, sometimes aren’t listening etc, and I have to block that out and focus on what a I am trying to get done.

She didn't want him to give it up, he just needed to put a kid down too. He prioritized his call over good parenting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe I’m a lazy parent, but I don’t see what the problem was.

Mom did her zoom.

Dad did his zoom.

Kid played games.

What’s the issue?

Gentle tip: kids don’t need a bedtime story and to fall asleep at a certain time. Rigid parenting often creates monsters.

Here’s my approach:

“Dave, I’m zooming with the gals Friday night, so you’re in charge of the kids.” Then let him handle the kids however he likes. He handled the kids. There was no problem.

This was my reaction, too. What’s the big deal if the kid is quietly watching YouTube in a darkened room and goes to bed later once in a blue moon? The routine can be re-established tomorrow with both patents onboard. While I certainly understand OP’s frustration, I don’t think she should have yelled at her DH in front of his friends during the zoom call - that is indeed embarrassing. He has a legitimate gripe now that will undermine OP’s perspective, and will muddy the communication.

That being said, the fact that OP reacted that way reflects that this might be a long-standing issue between them.

My husband has this mentality. "It's just this once." It's always "this once" for lazy parenting hacks when he's on deck.

Deviating from the routine is ok.

Heck, we do ice cream sundaes for dinner when we go to the beach. It’s not fatal...it’s fun.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d never ask for a weekly standing date with friends for Friday. Maybe twice a month or join when I can. Neither would my partner. Maybe a Wednesday, but not end of the week when we are all run down from pandemic pressure.

Agree

There seems to be significant degree of self centeredness and control going in from the DH. Giving a kid a screen at 7 or 8 instead of tucking them in and lights out is BS. Kid is a own here.

He won’t even put the kid to bed to let his wife talk to a friend caring for a hospitalize Covid family member?

All to have another call within his old fraternity brothers? I can’t imagine any adult with you children being able to commit to a non urgent call before 8pm.

But it’s obvious it was more important for OP to see DH give up his weekly Zoom call for one night and put the difficult son to bed at the normal time than the actual call with the sick friend. Otherwise she would have prioritized staying on the call with her friend over yelling at husband to get off his zoom call and getting upset about son having additional electronics time in their room. Maybe it’s because I don’t have this kinda energy for perfect parenting but if I have a crisis call and I need the kids to be quiet and distracted with electronics or even a later bedtime, I can live with that one day out of 365. Even if my DH is on deck, the kids argue, sometimes aren’t listening etc, and I have to block that out and focus on what a I am trying to get done.

She didn't want him to give it up, he just needed to put a kid down too. He prioritized his call over good parenting.

Mom’s rigid parenting is not actually good parenting imho. Neither is criticizing dad’s parenting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m just really envious your husband get a social visit pass no matter what is going on. What other parent is guaranteed weekly free time?

No reason she couldn't claim Saturday nights to herself! The martyrdom is ridiculous.

Exactly. Use your words, OP. Preferably without controlling every one of your DH's parenting choices or yelling at him in front of his friends. They must think you're a lunatic.