Has anyone stayed with a spouse after they had an affair?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"A biggie on that is: whose idea was it to go to therapy? Did the cheater research and find their own therapist without being nagged or even asked? Are they committed to it and doing the homework and are you seeing changes? Are you regularly talking about it? Most men that don't want to fundamentally change will give a half-hearted attempt or say what is needed to be said in a couples' situation---but they will not do individual therapy indefinitely. They don't think they need it and they don't want it since they see nothing wrong with what they are doing. That is easy to spot if you follow 'the actions', not 'the words'."

This is a very interesting dynamic. My husband was all for therapy until about six weeks in. The therapist said, "There's no excuse for cheating. None. But can you begin to understand why your wife cheated from an emotional standpoint? What I have heard her say is that you're emotionally avoidant, happy to let her raise the kids and do the housework while working full time. What are you offering to change so this doesn't happen again?" Then he was done with therapy.

So - we made some big changes and are still together. I can spend what I want, both on getting help as well as on things I want like concert tickets (pre-COVID of course), girls' trips, spa days, etc. I can go out whenever I want ( my kids are now too old to need a sitter, but after therapy broke down, I spent $$$ on sitters to be able to go out and live my life). He didn't want a divorce or make changes to make our marriage more equitable, so I'm doing what I want, with the bonus of his money and health insurance.

You are disgusting. Absolutely disgusting pig. Get a JOB and then a divorce.

And I’m sure banging married men too? Right? Revenge f@cking the institute of marriage.

I’m guessing the husband working hard to support the family while his non-working wife with grown teenagers that didn’t need her was too much for I’m to take. I probably would have walked out of therapy too if I had to listen to her whine “poor me” when she was banging other men and laying around the house all day while I worked. I’m not sure why he doesn’t divorce. Perhaps he’s waiting so he doesn’t have to pay her child support when the kids hit 18 and will pay little to no alimony then. He’s be smart to catch evidence of the next affair with a private detective.

[Anonymous]

I had the affair, my spouse stayed. Appearances are important and he's big on inertia and no changes. None of the reasons why I looked outside the marriage have improved. We are working on a separation plan.

You need therapy. There are no “reasons”, especially ones that are the responsibility of your spouse, that should cause you to cheat. Your DH is smart not to reconcile with you - you need to own your choices and recognize that you had other (better) choices than cheating. You have a character defect that you need to fix.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"A biggie on that is: whose idea was it to go to therapy? Did the cheater research and find their own therapist without being nagged or even asked? Are they committed to it and doing the homework and are you seeing changes? Are you regularly talking about it? Most men that don't want to fundamentally change will give a half-hearted attempt or say what is needed to be said in a couples' situation---but they will not do individual therapy indefinitely. They don't think they need it and they don't want it since they see nothing wrong with what they are doing. That is easy to spot if you follow 'the actions', not 'the words'."

This is a very interesting dynamic. My husband was all for therapy until about six weeks in. The therapist said, "There's no excuse for cheating. None. But can you begin to understand why your wife cheated from an emotional standpoint? What I have heard her say is that you're emotionally avoidant, happy to let her raise the kids and do the housework while working full time. What are you offering to change so this doesn't happen again?" Then he was done with therapy.

So - we made some big changes and are still together. I can spend what I want, both on getting help as well as on things I want like concert tickets (pre-COVID of course), girls' trips, spa days, etc. I can go out whenever I want ( my kids are now too old to need a sitter, but after therapy broke down, I spent $$$ on sitters to be able to go out and live my life). He didn't want a divorce or make changes to make our marriage more equitable, so I'm doing what I want, with the bonus of his money and health insurance.

You are disgusting. Absolutely disgusting pig. Get a JOB and then a divorce.

You idiot. Did you read that I raised the kids and ran the household while working full time?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"A biggie on that is: whose idea was it to go to therapy? Did the cheater research and find their own therapist without being nagged or even asked? Are they committed to it and doing the homework and are you seeing changes? Are you regularly talking about it? Most men that don't want to fundamentally change will give a half-hearted attempt or say what is needed to be said in a couples' situation---but they will not do individual therapy indefinitely. They don't think they need it and they don't want it since they see nothing wrong with what they are doing. That is easy to spot if you follow 'the actions', not 'the words'."

This is a very interesting dynamic. My husband was all for therapy until about six weeks in. The therapist said, "There's no excuse for cheating. None. But can you begin to understand why your wife cheated from an emotional standpoint? What I have heard her say is that you're emotionally avoidant, happy to let her raise the kids and do the housework while working full time. What are you offering to change so this doesn't happen again?" Then he was done with therapy.

So - we made some big changes and are still together. I can spend what I want, both on getting help as well as on things I want like concert tickets (pre-COVID of course), girls' trips, spa days, etc. I can go out whenever I want ( my kids are now too old to need a sitter, but after therapy broke down, I spent $$$ on sitters to be able to go out and live my life). He didn't want a divorce or make changes to make our marriage more equitable, so I'm doing what I want, with the bonus of his money and health insurance.

You are disgusting. Absolutely disgusting pig. Get a JOB and then a divorce.

And I’m sure banging married men too? Right? Revenge f@cking the institute of marriage.

I’m guessing the husband working hard to support the family while his non-working wife with grown teenagers that didn’t need her was too much for I’m to take. I probably would have walked out of therapy too if I had to listen to her whine “poor me” when she was banging other men and laying around the house all day while I worked. I’m not sure why he doesn’t divorce. Perhaps he’s waiting so he doesn’t have to pay her child support when the kids hit 18 and will pay little to no alimony then. He’s be smart to catch evidence of the next affair with a private detective.

You can't read worth a sh%t either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I had the affair, my spouse stayed. Appearances are important and he's big on inertia and no changes. None of the reasons why I looked outside the marriage have improved. We are working on a separation plan.

You need therapy. There are no “reasons”, especially ones that are the responsibility of your spouse, that should cause you to cheat. Your DH is smart not to reconcile with you - you need to own your choices and recognize that you had other (better) choices than cheating. You have a character defect that you need to fix.

I don't need the deadweight, that's for sure.

[Anonymous]

If you decide to stay with him, I would condition it on getting a post nuptial agreement that is very favorable towards you. You have to put yourself in a better position if he decides to cheat again. Honestly, I would tell him that you want to work on the marriage, get the post nuptial agreement in place and then plan for YOUR future without him. I would never trust the SOB again, quite honestly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"A biggie on that is: whose idea was it to go to therapy? Did the cheater research and find their own therapist without being nagged or even asked? Are they committed to it and doing the homework and are you seeing changes? Are you regularly talking about it? Most men that don't want to fundamentally change will give a half-hearted attempt or say what is needed to be said in a couples' situation---but they will not do individual therapy indefinitely. They don't think they need it and they don't want it since they see nothing wrong with what they are doing. That is easy to spot if you follow 'the actions', not 'the words'."

This is a very interesting dynamic. My husband was all for therapy until about six weeks in. The therapist said, "There's no excuse for cheating. None. But can you begin to understand why your wife cheated from an emotional standpoint? What I have heard her say is that you're emotionally avoidant, happy to let her raise the kids and do the housework while working full time. What are you offering to change so this doesn't happen again?" Then he was done with therapy.

So - we made some big changes and are still together. I can spend what I want, both on getting help as well as on things I want like concert tickets (pre-COVID of course), girls' trips, spa days, etc. I can go out whenever I want ( my kids are now too old to need a sitter, but after therapy broke down, I spent $$$ on sitters to be able to go out and live my life). He didn't want a divorce or make changes to make our marriage more equitable, so I'm doing what I want, with the bonus of his money and health insurance.

You are disgusting. Absolutely disgusting pig. Get a JOB and then a divorce.

You idiot. Did you read that I raised the kids and ran the household while working full time?

Bravo. BFD. So did I AND I didn’t go bang other men. That’s a strange justification for lying, betraying and having unprotected sex outside of your marriage.

You sound incredibly entitled and delusional. I don’t know why you are still married —-except oh yeah—health insurance and his $. If your job is so great, why don’t you have health insurance from it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I did a long time ago & it did nothing good for me.

I had young children w/him and after the affair, he changed into the guy I always wanted him to be!
But it was only temporary.

Over time, just being w/him literally made me want to vomit.
He disgusted me so much, just having him touch me turned me off.

The anger + feeling of betrayal only grew over the years.
The resentment was unbearable.

For me, I just wanted to be free of someone who had the capability of hurting me so bad.

How long did you stay and how do you feel now? You described exactly how I feel now. Sunday will be 1.5 years. Unlike many others there were 7 women in less than two years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP- the problem with affairs is nobody knows the success stories or couples that survived and then thrived because they are dirty, dark guarded secrets. Most people tell nobody but a therapist. You’d be shocked at how many marriages you view as happy and successful were rocked by an affair at some point.

As a therapist, I see it all. Every situation and every human being is different. The “once a cheater” is just not true. People that take deep inventory and WANT to change and put in hard work can and do change. To think otherwise is to say nobody is ever capable of change.

When you listen to the anecdotal evidence realize that you are much more likely to hear the horror stories, the extremes and the cases where one party did not want to be in a marriage. You are not getting the stories of those that faced it head on and came out with a much deeper, living marriage. And, that’s not because there aren’t many of those out there. It is because they are very private matters which people do not disclose to protect their children.

Good luck. Hearing what a friend of friend had happen or a scorned man or woman had happen by no means mean that is your situation. Everyone has different reasons, different traumas, different relationships and personalities.

It’s getting to the heart of your own situation and after deep examination with therapy individually for both of you and after that couples’ you can decide if it is a marriage worth saving, a person that has changed. You will need safety net while doing this—-things for your protection—as others mentioned: vasectomy, post-nup, therapy and full transparency.

Good luck. Please take care of yourself.

I’m sure there are some success stories, but how do you know if the cheater is telling the truth? Some people are expert liars. I’ve read many stories about cheaters going to therapists for years and successfully convincing them that they’ve changed, and then for the affairs to be discovered later. You can rubber stamp the marriage as successful, but you can never be completely sure.

I am going to blow your mind wide open: You can never be sure your spouse isn't currently cheating or has in the past. 65% of men in long term marriages cheat.

I can't tell you how many women I know who had literally--no signs...and how many men I know that are cheating and their spouses don't know. ...even they guys that you would least suspect.

At 50- what I have come to find is that nobody can truly know what anyone is capable of.

I’m aware of these stats which is the reason I asked the question. Therapists don’t really know, so they can’t claim high rates of success.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"A biggie on that is: whose idea was it to go to therapy? Did the cheater research and find their own therapist without being nagged or even asked? Are they committed to it and doing the homework and are you seeing changes? Are you regularly talking about it? Most men that don't want to fundamentally change will give a half-hearted attempt or say what is needed to be said in a couples' situation---but they will not do individual therapy indefinitely. They don't think they need it and they don't want it since they see nothing wrong with what they are doing. That is easy to spot if you follow 'the actions', not 'the words'."

This is a very interesting dynamic. My husband was all for therapy until about six weeks in. The therapist said, "There's no excuse for cheating. None. But can you begin to understand why your wife cheated from an emotional standpoint? What I have heard her say is that you're emotionally avoidant, happy to let her raise the kids and do the housework while working full time. What are you offering to change so this doesn't happen again?" Then he was done with therapy.

So - we made some big changes and are still together. I can spend what I want, both on getting help as well as on things I want like concert tickets (pre-COVID of course), girls' trips, spa days, etc. I can go out whenever I want ( my kids are now too old to need a sitter, but after therapy broke down, I spent $$$ on sitters to be able to go out and live my life). He didn't want a divorce or make changes to make our marriage more equitable, so I'm doing what I want, with the bonus of his money and health insurance.

You are disgusting. Absolutely disgusting pig. Get a JOB and then a divorce.

You idiot. Did you read that I raised the kids and ran the household while working full time?

Are you looking for a medal? Millions of people women do that every day without spreading their legs for some strange. That’s some big level entitlement.

[Anonymous]

The judgment is strong here.

[Anonymous]

I also work full time while doing almost everything to raise the kids and run the household. And my husband doesn't even work. I would never cheat. But sometimes I sure wish he would so I would finally have reason to leave. About 8 years ago, he accused me of cheating for absolutely no reason. Never have, never would. Literally, there was a group email thread between several of my friends from high school, a couple of whom were men and he was convinced I was planning to have an affair. It was the most bizarre thing. Our marriage has never been the same. He brings it up every few years as if I actually had an affiar--like he has created this complete fantasy as if it happened. If my husband can't get over something he completely imagined, I can't envision you getting over something that actually did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I stayed. It hasn’t been easy, but we have found happiness after years of therapy and recovery work. I still have triggers and pain surrounding certain dates and events, but the good times outweigh the bad.

Individual and couples therapy was a must for us. Individual therapy for me to help me sort out my feelings, heal from the trauma and pain from betrayal, and learning how to forgive and trust again.

Individual therapy for DH for him to work on why/how he could betray our relationship. He had unresolved childhood trauma that was causing him to sabotage his life. He didn’t think he was worthy of a good life. Like how could anyone love him.

Couples therapy for us to trust again and establish ground rules for our relationship. We have complete transparency- like FaceTiming overnight when he travels out of town, fully open electronics, access to all financial accounts.

DH did a full stop on all cheating and was remorseful for his actions. I don’t think I could stay if he didn’t genuinely realize what he did was terrible. And if he ever cheats again I’m leaving. No more therapy. We’re done.

NP and I could have written this myself. Of course the specifics of our dynamic were different, but these factors were all part of our recovery too (no contact with AP, lots of therapy, remorse, etc.)

In our case, DH and I had been together 23 years when I discovered his long term affair. His betrayal was physical, not emotional, which was easier for me to accept. I had health issues that made sex impossible to enjoy and DH was extremely needy and entitled. We were both selfish and terrible at communicating our needs. Our dynamic was toxic, hardened by many years of mutual neglect. We spent two years in therapy together and separately, sold our house and started fresh 9 years ago. Through therapy we rediscovered a true bond and friendship that had formed the basis for our relationship but had been buried under so much anger and disappointment. It took a long time to heal and reconnect. But we did and we are happy now, including our 13 year old kid, who was the reason we worked so hard to save what seemed to be irreparably broken at the time. DH is a different person now. I am too. And our marriage is stronger than ever. But this evolution only happened because both of us were willing to work like crazy.

Thank you for your honesty. What are your and your spouse's relationships like with your respective parents? Curious because wondering what each of you may have had to give up from your respective pasts, and why--what inspiration or lack of options--allowed both of you to discover you were equally motivated to move forward in the same direction, even without knowing that you were moving in the same direction when you each were at that earlier crossroads.

Congratulations on aligning emotionally, intellectually and physically, and making the independent decisions to prioritize each other for the benefit of everyone involved, including your child, for your shared future!

Thank you, it’s been a long road. We are both close with our in-laws, who were always supportive. I responded down thread that one of my conditions in working was that he tell his family, in front if me, about his betrayal. My faith in him was so shot, I didn’t believe anything he said unless I heard it with my own ears. I needed to know he wasn’t blaming me, minimizing the pain he had caused, or shirking responsibility. I wanted witnesses and support. At that point I had planned to leave him. How could a marriage heal from eight years of lies? When I agreed to go to couples counseling, it was not to save the marriage (that was my husband’s goal) but to manage my anger without poisoning our young daughter and whatever future relationship she might have with her father. I was too angry to care about him or us, but I knew I wanted her to have a loving father in her life. So we went to counseling and learned how to talk again. About two months in, we both rediscovered the friendship that had been buried. For me at least, the love took much longer. I didn’t think I would ever love or trust him again. My plan was to get strong enough to coparent successfully and amicably and divorce. For two years, I wasn’t sure we would make it. But somewhere along the way, the love came back and I realized I wanted to stay in the marriage, not only for our daughter but for me. My husband says he never lost faith in us. And he is more the husband and father now than I ever thought possible. He is not the man child I married or the entitled cheater he had become. I love the man he is now and we are happy, much more so than before. But it took years of work for both of us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I also work full time while doing almost everything to raise the kids and run the household. And my husband doesn't even work. I would never cheat. But sometimes I sure wish he would so I would finally have reason to leave. About 8 years ago, he accused me of cheating for absolutely no reason. Never have, never would. Literally, there was a group email thread between several of my friends from high school, a couple of whom were men and he was convinced I was planning to have an affair. It was the most bizarre thing. Our marriage has never been the same. He brings it up every few years as if I actually had an affiar--like he has created this complete fantasy as if it happened. If my husband can't get over something he completely imagined, I can't envision you getting over something that actually did.

Is he physically and mentally capable of working? If so, you do have a reason to leave. A capable man not working would be a good enough reason for me.

Also - he cheated. Men who project cheating onto their spouses have done it themselves. Guarantee it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If I found out DH ever cheated it would over. I’d never trust him again. Why stay? I’m not a doormat.

OP, you will get lots of advice like this on this board and from friends and family members if you choose to share. No one can possibly imagine what they would do if confronted with your situation. And everyone’s situation is different from yours. Therapy and introspection will be your best friends in this. And there is no hurry to make a decision. I’m so sorry for your pain. I’ve been there.

People who judge like this but who have not been in this situation (knowingly) is party of the reason why I am in so much pain. I am bearing his cheating and lies alone. My entire life blew up in one evening and I’ve been going it alone keeping up appearances at work and at home for my children. My parents, siblings, his family, my closest friends - none of them know or can help or offer me support bc I don’t feel as though I can talk to anyone. I am the PP whose Dh had 4 year affair. I’m dealing with it day by day. Sometimes I want to scream out in pain. Thank god all of us are wearing masks bc there are times at the store and suddenly I am close to breaking down. To the poster above - I could be your friend, your sister, your daughter. Don’t judge. Listen and be empathetic to those around you. You never know what is going on with those close to you.

The pain cheaters cause to their spouses (and the spouses of their AP) is incredible. It’s indescribable unless you have actually been through it. I don’t know how anyone can cause this hurt to an innocent person. The AP is guilty in inflicting that hurt as well as they knew an innocent man/woman who would be destroyed if they found out was there. It’s delusional that they want to think they bare no responsibility in inflicting that pain. I couldn’t live with myself if I had done that to anyone.