Has anyone stayed with a spouse after they had an affair?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP- the problem with affairs is nobody knows the success stories or couples that survived and then thrived because they are dirty, dark guarded secrets. Most people tell nobody but a therapist. You’d be shocked at how many marriages you view as happy and successful were rocked by an affair at some point.

As a therapist, I see it all. Every situation and every human being is different. The “once a cheater” is just not true. People that take deep inventory and WANT to change and put in hard work can and do change. To think otherwise is to say nobody is ever capable of change.

When you listen to the anecdotal evidence realize that you are much more likely to hear the horror stories, the extremes and the cases where one party did not want to be in a marriage. You are not getting the stories of those that faced it head on and came out with a much deeper, living marriage. And, that’s not because there aren’t many of those out there. It is because they are very private matters which people do not disclose to protect their children.

Good luck. Hearing what a friend of friend had happen or a scorned man or woman had happen by no means mean that is your situation. Everyone has different reasons, different traumas, different relationships and personalities.

It’s getting to the heart of your own situation and after deep examination with therapy individually for both of you and after that couples’ you can decide if it is a marriage worth saving, a person that has changed. You will need safety net while doing this—-things for your protection—as others mentioned: vasectomy, post-nup, therapy and full transparency.

Good luck. Please take care of yourself.

I’m sure there are some success stories, but how do you know if the cheater is telling the truth? Some people are expert liars. I’ve read many stories about cheaters going to therapists for years and successfully convincing them that they’ve changed, and then for the affairs to be discovered later. You can rubber stamp the marriage as successful, but you can never be completely sure.

The RIC (reconciliation industrial complex) is a big money-maker.

OP, I posted upthread about my experience (waiting around for the second, or third, d-day). Read "Lose a Cheater, Gain a Life." Yes, the book advocates walking away. However, even if you don't, it gives you some insightful advice and will help with your self-worth.

Check out the related website, chumplady.com.

Chump lady is funny and she raises very good points, but she is coming from a place where she experienced somebody who didn't change.

She devotes only a tiny page to 'unicorns' those that really do all of the things right and rehabilitate. It's not really a 'unicorn' with midlife affairs. Many people really do not stray again after that. Much different than a guy or gal who has always been a cheater---always slept with friends' boyfriends, were major 'players', started cheating very early in the marriage. The woman on my street is on her third 'OM' right now. She is never going to change. She married a guy that doesn't care though so I guess it is a cry for help and attention. She can't afford to leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP- the problem with affairs is nobody knows the success stories or couples that survived and then thrived because they are dirty, dark guarded secrets. Most people tell nobody but a therapist. You’d be shocked at how many marriages you view as happy and successful were rocked by an affair at some point.

As a therapist, I see it all. Every situation and every human being is different. The “once a cheater” is just not true. People that take deep inventory and WANT to change and put in hard work can and do change. To think otherwise is to say nobody is ever capable of change.

When you listen to the anecdotal evidence realize that you are much more likely to hear the horror stories, the extremes and the cases where one party did not want to be in a marriage. You are not getting the stories of those that faced it head on and came out with a much deeper, living marriage. And, that’s not because there aren’t many of those out there. It is because they are very private matters which people do not disclose to protect their children.

Good luck. Hearing what a friend of friend had happen or a scorned man or woman had happen by no means mean that is your situation. Everyone has different reasons, different traumas, different relationships and personalities.

It’s getting to the heart of your own situation and after deep examination with therapy individually for both of you and after that couples’ you can decide if it is a marriage worth saving, a person that has changed. You will need safety net while doing this—-things for your protection—as others mentioned: vasectomy, post-nup, therapy and full transparency.

Good luck. Please take care of yourself.

I’m sure there are some success stories, but how do you know if the cheater is telling the truth? Some people are expert liars. I’ve read many stories about cheaters going to therapists for years and successfully convincing them that they’ve changed, and then for the affairs to be discovered later. You can rubber stamp the marriage as successful, but you can never be completely sure.

I am going to blow your mind wide open: You can never be sure your spouse isn't currently cheating or has in the past. 65% of men in long term marriages cheat.

I can't tell you how many women I know who had literally--no signs...and how many men I know that are cheating and their spouses don't know. ...even they guys that you would least suspect.

At 50- what I have come to find is that nobody can truly know what anyone is capable of.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do believe there is a distinction between people who cheat once and those who are serial cheaters.

If a person cheats, realizes it is something THEY cannot live with--it goes against their morals, they feel true remorse about the pain they have caused others and they invest a lot of time and effort into seeking treatment then they have a chance of not repeating the behavior.

The ones who astound me are the ones who cheat, fall all over themselves apologizing, crying, acting as if they can't go on living.... only to do it all again once things have gone back to "normal." I've known one serial cheater (friend and co-worker) in my life and he is in his late 50's, still unmarried and still at it.

Only the cheater truly knows how they feel inside and how much effort they are willing to put into recovery.

Only the person who was cheated on knows if they can ever truly move forward and live with the cheater.

The problem is, how do you make that distinction? Many people, particularly narcissists, are very good actors.

I don't know many that would stick with individual therapy for years on end if they were a true narcissist. In fact, a trademark of a narcissist is that they will never think they need or go to therapy usually. If you have a man or woman that commits to weekly individual therapy indefinitely, you can pretty much guarantee they aren't a narcissist. Also, anyone that does not want to give up a lifestyle will make a half-hearted attempt and you will see all of the signs that no change was made.

I do think there needs to be rock bottom so I do agree with the pps that said the cheater really has to believe they are being dumped---and some hard lines need to be implemented.

Nobody is going to write away their rights in a post-nuptial agreement if they plan to cheat again. And, if they do---hey you get the big pay out.

A biggie on that is: whose idea was it to go to therapy? Did the cheater research and find their own therapist without being nagged or even asked? Are they committed to it and doing the homework and are you seeing changes? Are you regularly talking about it? Most men that don't want to fundamentally change will give a half-hearted attempt or say what is needed to be said in a couples' situation---but they will not do individual therapy indefinitely. They don't think they need it and they don't want it since they see nothing wrong with what they are doing. That is easy to spot if you follow 'the actions', not 'the words'.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If I found out DH ever cheated it would over. I’d never trust him again. Why stay? I’m not a doormat.

OP, you will get lots of advice like this on this board and from friends and family members if you choose to share. No one can possibly imagine what they would do if confronted with your situation. And everyone’s situation is different from yours. Therapy and introspection will be your best friends in this. And there is no hurry to make a decision. I’m so sorry for your pain. I’ve been there.

People who judge like this but who have not been in this situation (knowingly) is party of the reason why I am in so much pain. I am bearing his cheating and lies alone. My entire life blew up in one evening and I’ve been going it alone keeping up appearances at work and at home for my children. My parents, siblings, his family, my closest friends - none of them know or can help or offer me support bc I don’t feel as though I can talk to anyone. I am the PP whose Dh had 4 year affair. I’m dealing with it day by day. Sometimes I want to scream out in pain. Thank god all of us are wearing masks bc there are times at the store and suddenly I am close to breaking down. To the poster above - I could be your friend, your sister, your daughter. Don’t judge. Listen and be empathetic to those around you. You never know what is going on with those close to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If I found out DH ever cheated it would over. I’d never trust him again. Why stay? I’m not a doormat.

OP, you will get lots of advice like this on this board and from friends and family members if you choose to share. No one can possibly imagine what they would do if confronted with your situation. And everyone’s situation is different from yours. Therapy and introspection will be your best friends in this. And there is no hurry to make a decision. I’m so sorry for your pain. I’ve been there.

People who judge like this but who have not been in this situation (knowingly) is party of the reason why I am in so much pain. I am bearing his cheating and lies alone. My entire life blew up in one evening and I’ve been going it alone keeping up appearances at work and at home for my children. My parents, siblings, his family, my closest friends - none of them know or can help or offer me support bc I don’t feel as though I can talk to anyone. I am the PP whose Dh had 4 year affair. I’m dealing with it day by day. Sometimes I want to scream out in pain. Thank god all of us are wearing masks bc there are times at the store and suddenly I am close to breaking down. To the poster above - I could be your friend, your sister, your daughter. Don’t judge. Listen and be empathetic to those around you. You never know what is going on with those close to you.

Yes. Dealing with the same- same timeframe. It’s so different than my parent’s death when I had others to lean on, bring food and send compassion. In infidelity, you are literally totally alone. The person you relied on and leaned on the most is the one that hurt you and you can’t tell anyone else because you have your children to protect from gossip, hurt and meanness. It’s hell. Quite literally. I almost had a nervous breakdown.

[Anonymous]

my 2cents

staying with someone who betrayed you does not make you a doormat. It takes tremendous strength to try to work through things. The converse is not true either--- people who end a marriage over infidelity are not weak either, of course. But I think that people who choose to try to salvage and rebuild are not doing it out of weakness. I think you have to be very resilient and grounded, emotionally, to take that on. I dont know if I would be capable of it, honestly.

[Anonymous]

I had the affair, my spouse stayed. Appearances are important and he's big on inertia and no changes. None of the reasons why I looked outside the marriage have improved. We are working on a separation plan.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If I found out DH ever cheated it would over. I’d never trust him again. Why stay? I’m not a doormat.

OP, you will get lots of advice like this on this board and from friends and family members if you choose to share. No one can possibly imagine what they would do if confronted with your situation. And everyone’s situation is different from yours. Therapy and introspection will be your best friends in this. And there is no hurry to make a decision. I’m so sorry for your pain. I’ve been there.

People who judge like this but who have not been in this situation (knowingly) is party of the reason why I am in so much pain. I am bearing his cheating and lies alone. My entire life blew up in one evening and I’ve been going it alone keeping up appearances at work and at home for my children. My parents, siblings, his family, my closest friends - none of them know or can help or offer me support bc I don’t feel as though I can talk to anyone. I am the PP whose Dh had 4 year affair. I’m dealing with it day by day. Sometimes I want to scream out in pain. Thank god all of us are wearing masks bc there are times at the store and suddenly I am close to breaking down. To the poster above - I could be your friend, your sister, your daughter. Don’t judge. Listen and be empathetic to those around you. You never know what is going on with those close to you.

I’m not sure if this is PP or OP, but I wish I could take you out for coffee. You are not alone, though I know it feels that way. I am a PP who stayed. I remember feeling the way you do. DH’s was an eight-year affair - it all blew up one day when our child was four and I opened an email from a stranger who gave me irrefutable evidence of the double life my husband was leading. All the lies came pouring in and I felt like I’d been shot. My reality as I knew it - our family and the 23-year life we had built together - a lie. I never saw the signs. No one did. He was that good at compartmentalizing. But I refused to keep his secrets or go through that pain alone. So when he asked me what he could do to make things right, I said I wouldn’t speak to him or try to save our marriage until he had told the truth to his family and our close friends. In front of me. No more lies or secrets. These people were important to me and I needed them in my corner if I decided to stay or go. I couldn’t bear to withdraw and distance myself. Many people will advise you to keep this to yourself, and our transparency did create awkwardness when we decided to reconcile. Early on, our close friends and family members asked me what they could do to help. I answered they could support us no matter what decision we made. Some could and some couldn’t. We lost friends, DH more than me. I did face a lot of judgement from a few people I thought were friends. I understand my decision to work on the marriage was hard for some people to accept - they were thirsty for blood, threatened for their own marriages, and frustrated at my choice. But they aren’t living my life. I wish you peace and healing. Do what you must for you. You don’t need to blow up your social circle like I did, but I advise you to reach out for support. Much love to you as you work through this. I know how hard this is. Nine years out, I know there’s another side to this, and it’s better than you can possibly imagine right now.

[Anonymous]

"A biggie on that is: whose idea was it to go to therapy? Did the cheater research and find their own therapist without being nagged or even asked? Are they committed to it and doing the homework and are you seeing changes? Are you regularly talking about it? Most men that don't want to fundamentally change will give a half-hearted attempt or say what is needed to be said in a couples' situation---but they will not do individual therapy indefinitely. They don't think they need it and they don't want it since they see nothing wrong with what they are doing. That is easy to spot if you follow 'the actions', not 'the words'."

This is a very interesting dynamic. My husband was all for therapy until about six weeks in. The therapist said, "There's no excuse for cheating. None. But can you begin to understand why your wife cheated from an emotional standpoint? What I have heard her say is that you're emotionally avoidant, happy to let her raise the kids and do the housework while working full time. What are you offering to change so this doesn't happen again?" Then he was done with therapy.

So - we made some big changes and are still together. I can spend what I want, both on getting help as well as on things I want like concert tickets (pre-COVID of course), girls' trips, spa days, etc. I can go out whenever I want ( my kids are now too old to need a sitter, but after therapy broke down, I spent $$$ on sitters to be able to go out and live my life). He didn't want a divorce or make changes to make our marriage more equitable, so I'm doing what I want, with the bonus of his money and health insurance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If I found out DH ever cheated it would over. I’d never trust him again. Why stay? I’m not a doormat.

OP, you will get lots of advice like this on this board and from friends and family members if you choose to share. No one can possibly imagine what they would do if confronted with your situation. And everyone’s situation is different from yours. Therapy and introspection will be your best friends in this. And there is no hurry to make a decision. I’m so sorry for your pain. I’ve been there.

People who judge like this but who have not been in this situation (knowingly) is party of the reason why I am in so much pain. I am bearing his cheating and lies alone. My entire life blew up in one evening and I’ve been going it alone keeping up appearances at work and at home for my children. My parents, siblings, his family, my closest friends - none of them know or can help or offer me support bc I don’t feel as though I can talk to anyone. I am the PP whose Dh had 4 year affair. I’m dealing with it day by day. Sometimes I want to scream out in pain. Thank god all of us are wearing masks bc there are times at the store and suddenly I am close to breaking down. To the poster above - I could be your friend, your sister, your daughter. Don’t judge. Listen and be empathetic to those around you. You never know what is going on with those close to you.

I’m not sure if this is PP or OP, but I wish I could take you out for coffee. You are not alone, though I know it feels that way. I am a PP who stayed. I remember feeling the way you do. DH’s was an eight-year affair - it all blew up one day when our child was four and I opened an email from a stranger who gave me irrefutable evidence of the double life my husband was leading. All the lies came pouring in and I felt like I’d been shot. My reality as I knew it - our family and the 23-year life we had built together - a lie. I never saw the signs. No one did. He was that good at compartmentalizing. But I refused to keep his secrets or go through that pain alone. So when he asked me what he could do to make things right, I said I wouldn’t speak to him or try to save our marriage until he had told the truth to his family and our close friends. In front of me. No more lies or secrets. These people were important to me and I needed them in my corner if I decided to stay or go. I couldn’t bear to withdraw and distance myself. Many people will advise you to keep this to yourself, and our transparency did create awkwardness when we decided to reconcile. Early on, our close friends and family members asked me what they could do to help. I answered they could support us no matter what decision we made. Some could and some couldn’t. We lost friends, DH more than me. I did face a lot of judgement from a few people I thought were friends. I understand my decision to work on the marriage was hard for some people to accept - they were thirsty for blood, threatened for their own marriages, and frustrated at my choice. But they aren’t living my life. I wish you peace and healing. Do what you must for you. You don’t need to blow up your social circle like I did, but I advise you to reach out for support. Much love to you as you work through this. I know how hard this is. Nine years out, I know there’s another side to this, and it’s better than you can possibly imagine right now.

I’m the PP - thanks for this. It’s so lonely and painful at times so I appreciate your kind words.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had the affair, my spouse stayed. Appearances are important and he's big on inertia and no changes. None of the reasons why I looked outside the marriage have improved. We are working on a separation plan.

I’m hope you cheated with single people and not people also in committed relationships. I don’t know how anyone can contribute to the severe hurt and pain of an innocent party.

You should have ended your marriage prior to the affair. Period.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"A biggie on that is: whose idea was it to go to therapy? Did the cheater research and find their own therapist without being nagged or even asked? Are they committed to it and doing the homework and are you seeing changes? Are you regularly talking about it? Most men that don't want to fundamentally change will give a half-hearted attempt or say what is needed to be said in a couples' situation---but they will not do individual therapy indefinitely. They don't think they need it and they don't want it since they see nothing wrong with what they are doing. That is easy to spot if you follow 'the actions', not 'the words'."

This is a very interesting dynamic. My husband was all for therapy until about six weeks in. The therapist said, "There's no excuse for cheating. None. But can you begin to understand why your wife cheated from an emotional standpoint? What I have heard her say is that you're emotionally avoidant, happy to let her raise the kids and do the housework while working full time. What are you offering to change so this doesn't happen again?" Then he was done with therapy.

So - we made some big changes and are still together. I can spend what I want, both on getting help as well as on things I want like concert tickets (pre-COVID of course), girls' trips, spa days, etc. I can go out whenever I want ( my kids are now too old to need a sitter, but after therapy broke down, I spent $$$ on sitters to be able to go out and live my life). He didn't want a divorce or make changes to make our marriage more equitable, so I'm doing what I want, with the bonus of his money and health insurance.

You are disgusting. Absolutely disgusting pig. Get a JOB and then a divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"A biggie on that is: whose idea was it to go to therapy? Did the cheater research and find their own therapist without being nagged or even asked? Are they committed to it and doing the homework and are you seeing changes? Are you regularly talking about it? Most men that don't want to fundamentally change will give a half-hearted attempt or say what is needed to be said in a couples' situation---but they will not do individual therapy indefinitely. They don't think they need it and they don't want it since they see nothing wrong with what they are doing. That is easy to spot if you follow 'the actions', not 'the words'."

This is a very interesting dynamic. My husband was all for therapy until about six weeks in. The therapist said, "There's no excuse for cheating. None. But can you begin to understand why your wife cheated from an emotional standpoint? What I have heard her say is that you're emotionally avoidant, happy to let her raise the kids and do the housework while working full time. What are you offering to change so this doesn't happen again?" Then he was done with therapy.

So - we made some big changes and are still together. I can spend what I want, both on getting help as well as on things I want like concert tickets (pre-COVID of course), girls' trips, spa days, etc. I can go out whenever I want ( my kids are now too old to need a sitter, but after therapy broke down, I spent $$$ on sitters to be able to go out and live my life). He didn't want a divorce or make changes to make our marriage more equitable, so I'm doing what I want, with the bonus of his money and health insurance.

You are disgusting. Absolutely disgusting pig. Get a JOB and then a divorce.

And I’m sure banging married men too? Right? Revenge f@cking the institute of marriage.

[Anonymous]

I suggest you don't tell family and friends about it if you want them to think well of your DH in the future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If I found out DH ever cheated it would over. I’d never trust him again. Why stay? I’m not a doormat.

OP, you will get lots of advice like this on this board and from friends and family members if you choose to share. No one can possibly imagine what they would do if confronted with your situation. And everyone’s situation is different from yours. Therapy and introspection will be your best friends in this. And there is no hurry to make a decision. I’m so sorry for your pain. I’ve been there.

People who judge like this but who have not been in this situation (knowingly) is party of the reason why I am in so much pain. I am bearing his cheating and lies alone. My entire life blew up in one evening and I’ve been going it alone keeping up appearances at work and at home for my children. My parents, siblings, his family, my closest friends - none of them know or can help or offer me support bc I don’t feel as though I can talk to anyone. I am the PP whose Dh had 4 year affair. I’m dealing with it day by day. Sometimes I want to scream out in pain. Thank god all of us are wearing masks bc there are times at the store and suddenly I am close to breaking down. To the poster above - I could be your friend, your sister, your daughter. Don’t judge. Listen and be empathetic to those around you. You never know what is going on with those close to you.

I’m not sure if this is PP or OP, but I wish I could take you out for coffee. You are not alone, though I know it feels that way. I am a PP who stayed. I remember feeling the way you do. DH’s was an eight-year affair - it all blew up one day when our child was four and I opened an email from a stranger who gave me irrefutable evidence of the double life my husband was leading. All the lies came pouring in and I felt like I’d been shot. My reality as I knew it - our family and the 23-year life we had built together - a lie. I never saw the signs. No one did. He was that good at compartmentalizing. But I refused to keep his secrets or go through that pain alone. So when he asked me what he could do to make things right, I said I wouldn’t speak to him or try to save our marriage until he had told the truth to his family and our close friends. In front of me. No more lies or secrets. These people were important to me and I needed them in my corner if I decided to stay or go. I couldn’t bear to withdraw and distance myself. Many people will advise you to keep this to yourself, and our transparency did create awkwardness when we decided to reconcile. Early on, our close friends and family members asked me what they could do to help. I answered they could support us no matter what decision we made. Some could and some couldn’t. We lost friends, DH more than me. I did face a lot of judgement from a few people I thought were friends. I understand my decision to work on the marriage was hard for some people to accept - they were thirsty for blood, threatened for their own marriages, and frustrated at my choice. But they aren’t living my life. I wish you peace and healing. Do what you must for you. You don’t need to blow up your social circle like I did, but I advise you to reach out for support. Much love to you as you work through this. I know how hard this is. Nine years out, I know there’s another side to this, and it’s better than you can possibly imagine right now.

DP. I’m happy for you. It’s good to hear. I did tell my spouse’s mother and a few of his relatives we are both close with. He was okay with that. I agree with them having to answer to others and they can’t fake an image anymore. It’s a big part of facing what they did and how it relates to their values/morals. When it’s a secret, it’s not real to them. When they are exposed and raw and having to answer for what they did, it can be life-changing. It also helps to keep them grounded. My spouse had a crisis of conscious and was actively working in therapy prior to disclosure to me and has continued to dedicate himself to change and helping me heal, rebuilding trust. I know it will be a long hard process, but we’ve been together 24 years and with over 1 year of individual therapy under his belt (affair was 7 months ago), it’s like I’m married to a different person. The person I knew and fell in love with, not the one that slowly grew into an entitled @sshole. We also just started couples therapy last month and the way we are communicating is such a change. Hearing it can take “2-5 years” to fully recover from an affair is daunting, but we both feel our love for one another and our kids is so worth it and we have really fallen back in love. I do believe a new marriage can be born out of the ashes that can be better and more honest than the one prior. I have a lot of friends struggling in their marriages as kids are heading to college and they have grown apart. In a way this awful, awful experience has brought us closer and we are looking forward to empty nest/early retirements in 6 years. He does everything around the house now too.

Thank you so much for giving me hope.