Has anyone stayed with a spouse after they had an affair?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I stayed. It hasn’t been easy, but we have found happiness after years of therapy and recovery work. I still have triggers and pain surrounding certain dates and events, but the good times outweigh the bad.

Individual and couples therapy was a must for us. Individual therapy for me to help me sort out my feelings, heal from the trauma and pain from betrayal, and learning how to forgive and trust again.

Individual therapy for DH for him to work on why/how he could betray our relationship. He had unresolved childhood trauma that was causing him to sabotage his life. He didn’t think he was worthy of a good life. Like how could anyone love him.

Couples therapy for us to trust again and establish ground rules for our relationship. We have complete transparency- like FaceTiming overnight when he travels out of town, fully open electronics, access to all financial accounts.

DH did a full stop on all cheating and was remorseful for his actions. I don’t think I could stay if he didn’t genuinely realize what he did was terrible. And if he ever cheats again I’m leaving. No more therapy. We’re done.

NP and I could have written this myself. Of course the specifics of our dynamic were different, but these factors were all part of our recovery too (no contact with AP, lots of therapy, remorse, etc.)

In our case, DH and I had been together 23 years when I discovered his long term affair. His betrayal was physical, not emotional, which was easier for me to accept. I had health issues that made sex impossible to enjoy and DH was extremely needy and entitled. We were both selfish and terrible at communicating our needs. Our dynamic was toxic, hardened by many years of mutual neglect. We spent two years in therapy together and separately, sold our house and started fresh 9 years ago. Through therapy we rediscovered a true bond and friendship that had formed the basis for our relationship but had been buried under so much anger and disappointment. It took a long time to heal and reconnect. But we did and we are happy now, including our 13 year old kid, who was the reason we worked so hard to save what seemed to be irreparably broken at the time. DH is a different person now. I am too. And our marriage is stronger than ever. But this evolution only happened because both of us were willing to work like crazy.

Thank you for your honesty. What are your and your spouse's relationships like with your respective parents? Curious because wondering what each of you may have had to give up from your respective pasts, and why--what inspiration or lack of options--allowed both of you to discover you were equally motivated to move forward in the same direction, even without knowing that you were moving in the same direction when you each were at that earlier crossroads.

Congratulations on aligning emotionally, intellectually and physically, and making the independent decisions to prioritize each other for the benefit of everyone involved, including your child, for your shared future!

Thank you, it’s been a long road. We are both close with our in-laws, who were always supportive. I responded down thread that one of my conditions in working was that he tell his family, in front if me, about his betrayal. My faith in him was so shot, I didn’t believe anything he said unless I heard it with my own ears. I needed to know he wasn’t blaming me, minimizing the pain he had caused, or shirking responsibility. I wanted witnesses and support. At that point I had planned to leave him. How could a marriage heal from eight years of lies? When I agreed to go to couples counseling, it was not to save the marriage (that was my husband’s goal) but to manage my anger without poisoning our young daughter and whatever future relationship she might have with her father. I was too angry to care about him or us, but I knew I wanted her to have a loving father in her life. So we went to counseling and learned how to talk again. About two months in, we both rediscovered the friendship that had been buried. For me at least, the love took much longer. I didn’t think I would ever love or trust him again. My plan was to get strong enough to coparent successfully and amicably and divorce. For two years, I wasn’t sure we would make it. But somewhere along the way, the love came back and I realized I wanted to stay in the marriage, not only for our daughter but for me. My husband says he never lost faith in us. And he is more the husband and father now than I ever thought possible. He is not the man child I married or the entitled cheater he had become. I love the man he is now and we are happy, much more so than before. But it took years of work for both of us.

This all rings so true as I’m in the process of recovering and rebuilding after my husband’s affair (primarily just physical- no dates, dinners, etc). I also needed to hear him admit what he had done to his family members. He never once blamed me for having any part in what he did. It was all problems with himself and past trauma. I get the intense anger at that time. My anger was very scary and it is masking incredible, incredible pain. The anger took months to subside and then incredible grief and depression and anxiety filled its place.

I am so grateful to you for describing your journey because it mirrors a lot what I’m going through now and what I will continue to go through for the next several years. I do believe we will be even happier and seeing how very hard he’s working on himself and committing to us and taking responsibility is a huge part of it. He’s had a lot of revelations in his private therapy and it is brave to confront all of that and continue going back for more.

I wish there was more out there, more written experiences for couples that healed and came out the other side stronger. They are plentiful, but Hollywood and TV love to focus on the sexy affairs/star crossed lovers or murderous aftermath and nobody depicts humanity and the dysfunction that creates a lot of the infidelity. The wife is usually depicted as a sexless, bitter shrew...and the AP a vixen. In normal experience, all of that couldn’t be further from reality. The people in the affairs are broken with a lot of dysfunction and past hurt. They also are usually affairing down...well anyone who is a dishonest liar is a step down.

Thanks again and I wish you continued happiness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I had the affair, my spouse stayed. Appearances are important and he's big on inertia and no changes. None of the reasons why I looked outside the marriage have improved. We are working on a separation plan.

You need therapy. There are no “reasons”, especially ones that are the responsibility of your spouse, that should cause you to cheat. Your DH is smart not to reconcile with you - you need to own your choices and recognize that you had other (better) choices than cheating. You have a character defect that you need to fix.

Neither of us wants to reconcile. He's not interested in being an equal partner or sharing emotional intimacy. You're right, I should have left years ago but it's easier now that the kids are older. Just keepin' it real.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I did a long time ago & it did nothing good for me.

I had young children w/him and after the affair, he changed into the guy I always wanted him to be!
But it was only temporary.

Over time, just being w/him literally made me want to vomit.
He disgusted me so much, just having him touch me turned me off.

The anger + feeling of betrayal only grew over the years.
The resentment was unbearable.

For me, I just wanted to be free of someone who had the capability of hurting me so bad.

How long did you stay and how do you feel now? You described exactly how I feel now. Sunday will be 1.5 years. Unlike many others there were 7 women in less than two years.

Do you really think he's been taking care of his sexual needs by himself if you have refused to sleep with him for the past 1.5 years, or have done so grudgingly?

[Anonymous]

"Bravo. BFD. So did I AND I didn’t go bang other men. That’s a strange justification for lying, betraying and having unprotected sex outside of your marriage.

You sound incredibly entitled and delusional. I don’t know why you are still married —-except oh yeah—health insurance and his $. If your job is so great, why don’t you have health insurance from it?"

I do have health insurance on my own if I want it. My spouse's continues on in retirement, which is where the value comes from. My response was to the poster telling me to "get a JOB" after I said I was working full time.

[Anonymous]

"Are you looking for a medal? Millions of people women do that every day without spreading their legs for some strange. That’s some big level entitlement."

You're saying that millions of female executives who make well into six figures and do 95% of the kid raising and household management do all this uncomplainingly, with no affairs and no divorce and just take it? No way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I also work full time while doing almost everything to raise the kids and run the household. And my husband doesn't even work. I would never cheat. But sometimes I sure wish he would so I would finally have reason to leave. About 8 years ago, he accused me of cheating for absolutely no reason. Never have, never would. Literally, there was a group email thread between several of my friends from high school, a couple of whom were men and he was convinced I was planning to have an affair. It was the most bizarre thing. Our marriage has never been the same. He brings it up every few years as if I actually had an affiar--like he has created this complete fantasy as if it happened. If my husband can't get over something he completely imagined, I can't envision you getting over something that actually did.

Why are you still married if you do everything and your husband doesn't even work? sounds like very low self esteem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I also work full time while doing almost everything to raise the kids and run the household. And my husband doesn't even work. I would never cheat. But sometimes I sure wish he would so I would finally have reason to leave. About 8 years ago, he accused me of cheating for absolutely no reason. Never have, never would. Literally, there was a group email thread between several of my friends from high school, a couple of whom were men and he was convinced I was planning to have an affair. It was the most bizarre thing. Our marriage has never been the same. He brings it up every few years as if I actually had an affiar--like he has created this complete fantasy as if it happened. If my husband can't get over something he completely imagined, I can't envision you getting over something that actually did.

Is he physically and mentally capable of working? If so, you do have a reason to leave. A capable man not working would be a good enough reason for me.

Also - he cheated. Men who project cheating onto their spouses have done it themselves. Guarantee it.

Yes, very capable. He comes from wealthy, narcissistic parents and as a result, is very entitled and couldn't do well in a workplace because he looked down on everybody around him. He has a trust fund, but keeps it 100% separate so I will never have a claim to any of it, and he barely contributes to our day to day expenses. I have saved very little for retirement, because I have to cover about 85% of our expenses. He and his parents will pay for kids' college, so I at least don't have to worry about that. As for his cheating, wow, that never even occurred to me. Honestly, he almost never leaves the house, so it's hard for me to figure out when it ever would have happened, but very interesting to think about. Once this pandemic is over and the kids and I are back out of the house more, I'll have to keep a closer eye. I know it sounds insensitive to those of you who have been truly hurt, but I really do wish he would just find someone else and get out of my life. I myself can't afford to leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I also work full time while doing almost everything to raise the kids and run the household. And my husband doesn't even work. I would never cheat. But sometimes I sure wish he would so I would finally have reason to leave. About 8 years ago, he accused me of cheating for absolutely no reason. Never have, never would. Literally, there was a group email thread between several of my friends from high school, a couple of whom were men and he was convinced I was planning to have an affair. It was the most bizarre thing. Our marriage has never been the same. He brings it up every few years as if I actually had an affiar--like he has created this complete fantasy as if it happened. If my husband can't get over something he completely imagined, I can't envision you getting over something that actually did.

I give you permission to cheat and also to leave him. You don’t need a reason.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I also work full time while doing almost everything to raise the kids and run the household. And my husband doesn't even work. I would never cheat. But sometimes I sure wish he would so I would finally have reason to leave. About 8 years ago, he accused me of cheating for absolutely no reason. Never have, never would. Literally, there was a group email thread between several of my friends from high school, a couple of whom were men and he was convinced I was planning to have an affair. It was the most bizarre thing. Our marriage has never been the same. He brings it up every few years as if I actually had an affiar--like he has created this complete fantasy as if it happened. If my husband can't get over something he completely imagined, I can't envision you getting over something that actually did.

I give you permission to cheat and also to leave him. You don’t need a reason.

Nope. Not to cheat. Leave first. You can’t introduce cheating and the hurt it would cause your children when found out...as it always does. Plus, it’s undignified and trashy. Very trashy. Plus, then you have to morally live with yourself after. Even if I despised somebody, I have integrity and morals and would never cheat.

Hold your head high. Get your ducks in a row and leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. They no longer work together but I'm just wondering if anyone truly gets over the feelings of intense betrayal and disappointment in a way that a real marriage is actually possible going forward.

I stayed-- it sounds like your DH is doing the right thing to provide passwords, be transparent about his schedule, and go to counseling. That said, it took me literally years to get past the bad feelings. The reason is that once marriage is marriage-- couples fight, act petty, sometimes take each other for granted-- but for a very long time, every time a normal disagreement or issue would come up, so would that resentment over the affair. It's why counseling is absolutely necessary to move forward. Now, a decade later, I never (or at least rarely) think about it-- we've been through other things-- job loss, illness, moving cities, 2020, etc. We have a lot of other experiences, good and bad, that happened afterward, so I'm able to look at our marriage in its entirety (holistically) and realize that staying (for me at least) was a good choice.

All of that said, if you have reasons to believe that your DH might do this again or simply can't be trusted, you should strongly consider leaving. I made it clear to my DH that I couldn't and wouldn't go through it twice.

[Anonymous]

Pregnancy and postpartum is hard on husbands. Sometimes you have to go with the pornstars and whores. Men have needs. Women accept that. What's to think about it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Pregnancy and postpartum is hard on husbands. Sometimes you have to go with the pornstars and whores. Men have needs. Women accept that. What's to think about it?

Or just dumpy, married middle aged sluts... the usual case around here.

[Anonymous]

These people saying it takes strength to stay...pshaw, yeah right. No, it takes strength to uproot your life and give up financial security and companionship for the *chance* of finding another partner. Accepting your spouse's abuse is the easy way out. And that's fine. But let's cut the strength crap.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Pregnancy and postpartum is hard on husbands. Sometimes you have to go with the pornstars and whores. Men have needs. Women accept that. What's to think about

Postpartum women have needs, too. It's a scary time for a man to cheat with a woman who (at that moment) may be better looking, fitter, more sexual, and have more energy to direct to the poor needy husband.

I don't really forgive my ex for beginning an affair when we had a 1yo. I remember thinking we were in a rough patch of life, and I was just coming out of that drowning, postpartum-working mom-baby phase. I thought I was just beginning an upswing of getting my mojo back and feeling human again.

He had already replaced me 😭 It's a shitty thing to do at a vulnerable time in a women's life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:These people saying it takes strength to stay...pshaw, yeah right. No, it takes strength to uproot your life and give up financial security and companionship for the *chance* of finding another partner. Accepting your spouse's abuse is the easy way out. And that's fine. But let's cut the strength crap.

What motivates you to denigrate one choice or the other? It takes strength to stay and to go. Hell, it takes strength just to survive the trauma and heal enough to love or trust anyone again. Unless you’ve had experience truly committing to both choices, you have no credibility here. Take your nastiness elsewhere.