Long term affair... trying to wrap my head around if it’s even possible to get over your DH’s 3 yr

[Anonymous]

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I’ve been married for 15 years, together for 20. We are still deeply in love after all these years, not just two people who share a house. So any infidelity from either of us would be such a massive betrayal that our marriage would have to end. I just cannot fathom doing the math on my spouse “only banging her X amount of times per month” and choosing to stay. Have some self respect, people.

HAHA... no infidelity that you know of. Sure you can have a deeply committed and in love marriage and he can be banging the secretary. For men it's different and you clearly don't get it.

Just because a man loves you does not mean you have to stay married.

You seem confused. Are you sure you’re replying to the right post?

Yes. I'm replying to somebody that imagines "because they are not 2 people just sharing a house" that there could never be infidelity. It's a lie people tell themselves as self protections. They believe if they "do everything right" nothing bad can happen. It's not rare to have an affair and 1 person thought they were deeply in love and are blindsided. Here is the thing, you can be deeply in love and have an affair. She clearly does not get that. She is in the "this could never happen to me" category and she is wrong.

Point to the part of my post where I say there could never be infidelity?

You said that your H has been faithful the whole marriage so you clearly think there has been no infidelity. You can't be positive. You only think there has been no infidelity.

I made no such claim, and you really need to work on your reading comprehension. Is it possible he’s cheated and I didn’t know about it? Of course. But if I did find out about it, I sure as hell would never stay.

And you can say “you don’t know what you would do” all you want. I know myself. I would not stay.

Plenty have said just that and yet...they do. When you had a great marriage and great love, it's more likely that you will stay even if it goes against every core fiber and belief you ever held. Never say never.

Read that blog posted about the woman that also felt the same EXACT way and then it happened to her....

Sorry. I know too many strong women that uttered those same phrases but the shock and reality when it does happen is something you cannot begin to fathom. And when you have a lifetime and kids together it's really different.

Look, I’m sorry that this (presumably) is your situation. And I’m sorry that this happened to the lady with the blog. There are many transgressions I could forgive. An affair is not one of them. You just need to make your peace with the fact that you do not know me, a stranger on the internet, as well as I know myself.

+1. I am also one who knew I could not continue to live with a cheater. Please don't patronize me by telling me that I am not strong, didn't have a lifetime, didn't have a strong enough love or a commitment to my kids.

Right? The posturing that only the truly strong marriages can withstand an affair...uh, no. But I guess it’s what you need to tell yourself when it happens to you, and you decide to put up with it.

[Anonymous]

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I’ve been married for 15 years, together for 20. We are still deeply in love after all these years, not just two people who share a house. So any infidelity from either of us would be such a massive betrayal that our marriage would have to end. I just cannot fathom doing the math on my spouse “only banging her X amount of times per month” and choosing to stay. Have some self respect, people.

HAHA... no infidelity that you know of. Sure you can have a deeply committed and in love marriage and he can be banging the secretary. For men it's different and you clearly don't get it.

Just because a man loves you does not mean you have to stay married.

You seem confused. Are you sure you’re replying to the right post?

Yes. I'm replying to somebody that imagines "because they are not 2 people just sharing a house" that there could never be infidelity. It's a lie people tell themselves as self protections. They believe if they "do everything right" nothing bad can happen. It's not rare to have an affair and 1 person thought they were deeply in love and are blindsided. Here is the thing, you can be deeply in love and have an affair. She clearly does not get that. She is in the "this could never happen to me" category and she is wrong.

Point to the part of my post where I say there could never be infidelity?

You said that your H has been faithful the whole marriage so you clearly think there has been no infidelity. You can't be positive. You only think there has been no infidelity.

I made no such claim, and you really need to work on your reading comprehension. Is it possible he’s cheated and I didn’t know about it? Of course. But if I did find out about it, I sure as hell would never stay.

And you can say “you don’t know what you would do” all you want. I know myself. I would not stay.

If I could double charge for every woman that wants to leave because that is what her 30 year old self told her she would do instead of what she actually wants to do because it is best for her family... I'd be retired. Ego is a strange bedfellow.

You think you are being righteous but you are being self righteous. It's destructive, you should work on that
.
Good luck!

P.S. OP I'm not saying to stay, but don't listen to people who have never been in your situation ... they have no basis for their opinions.

It's way too complicated for a post on DCUM. I'm sorry for your pain. You will rise, no matter if you stay or go, stay true to yourself.

I’m not sure why you’re so upset that I would choose something different than what you apparently chose to do when you were cheated on. I guess it must sting to know that other women consider it a loss of dignity or self-respect to stay with a cheating spouse. I’m sorry for all the pain you must have endured. Good luck to you as well.

Wow! You are a mess.

I have not been cheated on but I am a therapist and since I am not acting as a therapist right now... I can tell you ... you seriously need therapy.

Hey, as one therapist to another....disengage.

Nope.

Lol, this PP is not a therapist. Or if she is, she is clearly incompetent.

Still wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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I’ve been married for 15 years, together for 20. We are still deeply in love after all these years, not just two people who share a house. So any infidelity from either of us would be such a massive betrayal that our marriage would have to end. I just cannot fathom doing the math on my spouse “only banging her X amount of times per month” and choosing to stay. Have some self respect, people.

HAHA... no infidelity that you know of. Sure you can have a deeply committed and in love marriage and he can be banging the secretary. For men it's different and you clearly don't get it.

Just because a man loves you does not mean you have to stay married.

You seem confused. Are you sure you’re replying to the right post?

Yes. I'm replying to somebody that imagines "because they are not 2 people just sharing a house" that there could never be infidelity. It's a lie people tell themselves as self protections. They believe if they "do everything right" nothing bad can happen. It's not rare to have an affair and 1 person thought they were deeply in love and are blindsided. Here is the thing, you can be deeply in love and have an affair. She clearly does not get that. She is in the "this could never happen to me" category and she is wrong.

Point to the part of my post where I say there could never be infidelity?

You said that your H has been faithful the whole marriage so you clearly think there has been no infidelity. You can't be positive. You only think there has been no infidelity.

I made no such claim, and you really need to work on your reading comprehension. Is it possible he’s cheated and I didn’t know about it? Of course. But if I did find out about it, I sure as hell would never stay.

And you can say “you don’t know what you would do” all you want. I know myself. I would not stay.

Plenty have said just that and yet...they do. When you had a great marriage and great love, it's more likely that you will stay even if it goes against every core fiber and belief you ever held. Never say never.

Read that blog posted about the woman that also felt the same EXACT way and then it happened to her....

Sorry. I know too many strong women that uttered those same phrases but the shock and reality when it does happen is something you cannot begin to fathom. And when you have a lifetime and kids together it's really different.

Look, I’m sorry that this (presumably) is your situation. And I’m sorry that this happened to the lady with the blog. There are many transgressions I could forgive. An affair is not one of them. You just need to make your peace with the fact that you do not know me, a stranger on the internet, as well as I know myself.

+1. I am also one who knew I could not continue to live with a cheater. Please don't patronize me by telling me that I am not strong, didn't have a lifetime, didn't have a strong enough love or a commitment to my kids.

Nobody is saying that. What is being said is that you don't have a crystal ball, nor are you all knowing.

Maybe you thought you would not stay and you didn't. Most think they will X but when faced with the actual decision do Y or Z or XYZ.

Nobody actually knows.

[Anonymous]

OP - there is no reason you should *try* to get over the affair

In fact, it's unhealthy of you to even consider that.
You need to get your children out of this situation, this farce of a marriage. That is the only course of action

Truly think it's highly irresponsible of you to do anything other than divorce. Now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - there is no reason you should *try* to get over the affair

In fact, it's unhealthy of you to even consider that.
You need to get your children out of this situation, this farce of a marriage. That is the only course of action

Truly think it's highly irresponsible of you to do anything other than divorce. Now.

You know absolutely nothing about this woman, her marriage or her husband.

She should obviously being talking to people that love her , have her back and a professional/therapist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Betrayed women should support one another. Everyone makes the choice that is best for themselves and their children.

You all should respect one another.

And if you have never been betrayed before (or just don’t know it), STFU.

Instead they like to put one another down.

Bravo, sisterhood! Way to go women.

Is Hillary a weak woman?

Choice. Respect their choices.

[Anonymous]

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I’ve been married for 15 years, together for 20. We are still deeply in love after all these years, not just two people who share a house. So any infidelity from either of us would be such a massive betrayal that our marriage would have to end. I just cannot fathom doing the math on my spouse “only banging her X amount of times per month” and choosing to stay. Have some self respect, people.

HAHA... no infidelity that you know of. Sure you can have a deeply committed and in love marriage and he can be banging the secretary. For men it's different and you clearly don't get it.

Just because a man loves you does not mean you have to stay married.

You seem confused. Are you sure you’re replying to the right post?

Yes. I'm replying to somebody that imagines "because they are not 2 people just sharing a house" that there could never be infidelity. It's a lie people tell themselves as self protections. They believe if they "do everything right" nothing bad can happen. It's not rare to have an affair and 1 person thought they were deeply in love and are blindsided. Here is the thing, you can be deeply in love and have an affair. She clearly does not get that. She is in the "this could never happen to me" category and she is wrong.

Point to the part of my post where I say there could never be infidelity?

You said that your H has been faithful the whole marriage so you clearly think there has been no infidelity. You can't be positive. You only think there has been no infidelity.

I made no such claim, and you really need to work on your reading comprehension. Is it possible he’s cheated and I didn’t know about it? Of course. But if I did find out about it, I sure as hell would never stay.

And you can say “you don’t know what you would do” all you want. I know myself. I would not stay.

If I could double charge for every woman that wants to leave because that is what her 30 year old self told her she would do instead of what she actually wants to do because it is best for her family... I'd be retired. Ego is a strange bedfellow.

You think you are being righteous but you are being self righteous. It's destructive, you should work on that
.
Good luck!

P.S. OP I'm not saying to stay, but don't listen to people who have never been in your situation ... they have no basis for their opinions.

It's way too complicated for a post on DCUM. I'm sorry for your pain. You will rise, no matter if you stay or go, stay true to yourself.

I’m not sure why you’re so upset that I would choose something different than what you apparently chose to do when you were cheated on. I guess it must sting to know that other women consider it a loss of dignity or self-respect to stay with a cheating spouse. I’m sorry for all the pain you must have endured. Good luck to you as well.

Wow! You are a mess.

I have not been cheated on but I am a therapist and since I am not acting as a therapist right now... I can tell you ... you seriously need therapy.

Hey, as one therapist to another....disengage.

Nope.

Lol, this PP is not a therapist. Or if she is, she is clearly incompetent.

Still wrong.

Yes, only the most competent therapists park themselves on DCUM all day to post embarrassing nonsense. My mistake.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

I’ve been married for 15 years, together for 20. We are still deeply in love after all these years, not just two people who share a house. So any infidelity from either of us would be such a massive betrayal that our marriage would have to end. I just cannot fathom doing the math on my spouse “only banging her X amount of times per month” and choosing to stay. Have some self respect, people.

HAHA... no infidelity that you know of. Sure you can have a deeply committed and in love marriage and he can be banging the secretary. For men it's different and you clearly don't get it.

Just because a man loves you does not mean you have to stay married.

You seem confused. Are you sure you’re replying to the right post?

Yes. I'm replying to somebody that imagines "because they are not 2 people just sharing a house" that there could never be infidelity. It's a lie people tell themselves as self protections. They believe if they "do everything right" nothing bad can happen. It's not rare to have an affair and 1 person thought they were deeply in love and are blindsided. Here is the thing, you can be deeply in love and have an affair. She clearly does not get that. She is in the "this could never happen to me" category and she is wrong.

Point to the part of my post where I say there could never be infidelity?

You said that your H has been faithful the whole marriage so you clearly think there has been no infidelity. You can't be positive. You only think there has been no infidelity.

I made no such claim, and you really need to work on your reading comprehension. Is it possible he’s cheated and I didn’t know about it? Of course. But if I did find out about it, I sure as hell would never stay.

And you can say “you don’t know what you would do” all you want. I know myself. I would not stay.

If I could double charge for every woman that wants to leave because that is what her 30 year old self told her she would do instead of what she actually wants to do because it is best for her family... I'd be retired. Ego is a strange bedfellow.

You think you are being righteous but you are being self righteous. It's destructive, you should work on that
.
Good luck!

P.S. OP I'm not saying to stay, but don't listen to people who have never been in your situation ... they have no basis for their opinions.

It's way too complicated for a post on DCUM. I'm sorry for your pain. You will rise, no matter if you stay or go, stay true to yourself.

I’m not sure why you’re so upset that I would choose something different than what you apparently chose to do when you were cheated on. I guess it must sting to know that other women consider it a loss of dignity or self-respect to stay with a cheating spouse. I’m sorry for all the pain you must have endured. Good luck to you as well.

Wow! You are a mess.

I have not been cheated on but I am a therapist and since I am not acting as a therapist right now... I can tell you ... you seriously need therapy.

Hey, as one therapist to another....disengage.

Nope.

Lol, this PP is not a therapist. Or if she is, she is clearly incompetent.

Still wrong.

Brand NP to the thread. You sound like a terrible therapist with this taunting and gotchas TBH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I’ve been married for 15 years, together for 20. We are still deeply in love after all these years, not just two people who share a house. So any infidelity from either of us would be such a massive betrayal that our marriage would have to end. I just cannot fathom doing the math on my spouse “only banging her X amount of times per month” and choosing to stay. Have some self respect, people.

HAHA... no infidelity that you know of. Sure you can have a deeply committed and in love marriage and he can be banging the secretary. For men it's different and you clearly don't get it.

Just because a man loves you does not mean you have to stay married.

You seem confused. Are you sure you’re replying to the right post?

Yes. I'm replying to somebody that imagines "because they are not 2 people just sharing a house" that there could never be infidelity. It's a lie people tell themselves as self protections. They believe if they "do everything right" nothing bad can happen. It's not rare to have an affair and 1 person thought they were deeply in love and are blindsided. Here is the thing, you can be deeply in love and have an affair. She clearly does not get that. She is in the "this could never happen to me" category and she is wrong.

Point to the part of my post where I say there could never be infidelity?

You said that your H has been faithful the whole marriage so you clearly think there has been no infidelity. You can't be positive. You only think there has been no infidelity.

I made no such claim, and you really need to work on your reading comprehension. Is it possible he’s cheated and I didn’t know about it? Of course. But if I did find out about it, I sure as hell would never stay.

And you can say “you don’t know what you would do” all you want. I know myself. I would not stay.

If I could double charge for every woman that wants to leave because that is what her 30 year old self told her she would do instead of what she actually wants to do because it is best for her family... I'd be retired. Ego is a strange bedfellow.

You think you are being righteous but you are being self righteous. It's destructive, you should work on that
.
Good luck!

P.S. OP I'm not saying to stay, but don't listen to people who have never been in your situation ... they have no basis for their opinions.

It's way too complicated for a post on DCUM. I'm sorry for your pain. You will rise, no matter if you stay or go, stay true to yourself.

I’m not sure why you’re so upset that I would choose something different than what you apparently chose to do when you were cheated on. I guess it must sting to know that other women consider it a loss of dignity or self-respect to stay with a cheating spouse. I’m sorry for all the pain you must have endured. Good luck to you as well.

Wow! You are a mess.

I have not been cheated on but I am a therapist and since I am not acting as a therapist right now... I can tell you ... you seriously need therapy.

Hey, as one therapist to another....disengage.

Nope.

Lol, this PP is not a therapist. Or if she is, she is clearly incompetent.

Still wrong.

Yes, only the most competent therapists park themselves on DCUM all day to post embarrassing nonsense. My mistake.

It's my guilty pleasure and TMZ and Brie with bread. Try to lighten up a bit, be a little less self righteous and judgemental.. it will add years to your life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I’ve been married for 15 years, together for 20. We are still deeply in love after all these years, not just two people who share a house. So any infidelity from either of us would be such a massive betrayal that our marriage would have to end. I just cannot fathom doing the math on my spouse “only banging her X amount of times per month” and choosing to stay. Have some self respect, people.

HAHA... no infidelity that you know of. Sure you can have a deeply committed and in love marriage and he can be banging the secretary. For men it's different and you clearly don't get it.

Just because a man loves you does not mean you have to stay married.

You seem confused. Are you sure you’re replying to the right post?

Yes. I'm replying to somebody that imagines "because they are not 2 people just sharing a house" that there could never be infidelity. It's a lie people tell themselves as self protections. They believe if they "do everything right" nothing bad can happen. It's not rare to have an affair and 1 person thought they were deeply in love and are blindsided. Here is the thing, you can be deeply in love and have an affair. She clearly does not get that. She is in the "this could never happen to me" category and she is wrong.

Point to the part of my post where I say there could never be infidelity?

You said that your H has been faithful the whole marriage so you clearly think there has been no infidelity. You can't be positive. You only think there has been no infidelity.

I made no such claim, and you really need to work on your reading comprehension. Is it possible he’s cheated and I didn’t know about it? Of course. But if I did find out about it, I sure as hell would never stay.

And you can say “you don’t know what you would do” all you want. I know myself. I would not stay.

If I could double charge for every woman that wants to leave because that is what her 30 year old self told her she would do instead of what she actually wants to do because it is best for her family... I'd be retired. Ego is a strange bedfellow.

You think you are being righteous but you are being self righteous. It's destructive, you should work on that
.
Good luck!

P.S. OP I'm not saying to stay, but don't listen to people who have never been in your situation ... they have no basis for their opinions.

It's way too complicated for a post on DCUM. I'm sorry for your pain. You will rise, no matter if you stay or go, stay true to yourself.

I’m not sure why you’re so upset that I would choose something different than what you apparently chose to do when you were cheated on. I guess it must sting to know that other women consider it a loss of dignity or self-respect to stay with a cheating spouse. I’m sorry for all the pain you must have endured. Good luck to you as well.

Wow! You are a mess.

I have not been cheated on but I am a therapist and since I am not acting as a therapist right now... I can tell you ... you seriously need therapy.

Hey, as one therapist to another....disengage.

Nope.

Lol, this PP is not a therapist. Or if she is, she is clearly incompetent.

Still wrong.

Brand NP to the thread. You sound like a terrible therapist with this taunting and gotchas TBH.

I'm not though, so sorry. Just remember, you can't foretell your future. If me telling that to a stranger on the internet makes me "a terrible therapist" I think you are not qualified to tell anybody what makes them qualified.

Also telling a woman who just had their life blow up by their H's affair that you are strong and you would never stay is not only rude it's actually irresponsible. So if you don't know what you are talking about stop commenting on threads.

Maybe, just maybe, some of you women would do better sitting back, shutting up and listening.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry, OP. If you haven’t already, read Chumplady.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for confirming you’re a shitty therapist. So sorry.

[Anonymous]

Serious question here, my DH received oral sex three times over a one year period from an acquaintance. We went to therapy and reconciled but he is adamant that it was not an affair since there was not a deep emotional connection. I think sex and secrecy equals an affair. Am I wrong?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Serious question here, my DH received oral sex three times over a one year period from an acquaintance. We went to therapy and reconciled but he is adamant that it was not an affair since there was not a deep emotional connection. I think sex and secrecy equals an affair. Am I wrong?

Ask him if it's ok for you to start giving BJ's to a few "acquaintances" as long as there's no emotional connection.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stop victim blaming. Women, Beyoncé, Hillary, etc. can make the choice to stay. You do them a disservice when you denigrate them for their personal decisions. All situations are different. It’s not black and white. And, believe me, what you say you would do if it happened to you always doesn’t materialize when it actually does happen to you. You cannot fathom the feelings unless you have lived it. And, it will be very different depending on the man and the circumstances and state of the marriage. Some people have incredibly shitty marriages and never had infidelity. Some people have wonderful marriages and got through this midlife.

Beautifully said, thank you. One addition: for some people the way to proceed is black and white because the physical reality of the violation cannot be undone. Breaking that physical vow of marriage, in body with another person outside of the marriage, cannot be undone.