Reply to Long term affair... trying to wrap my head around if it’s even possible to get over your DH’s 3 yr

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Serious question, to the therapists and those who have been through this, does “duration” matter at all in the end? If it was a month, or a year, or 3 years, or hell 7 years of illicit sex, is it worse the more time elapsed? Also, if he - because let’s assume men are categorically different - is nonetheless satisfied in marriage and very happy, as Dr Glass found in her students - does it fundamentally matter that the affair was long? If no, does it matter to the health of the marriage if his compartmentalizations only attached to the affair partner and not to his interactions with his family, friends, or wife? [/quote]

The type of affair matters more.

There are people in multi-year affairs with little emotional attachment; no burning need to be together constantly.  They might have sex once a month or every other month.  They might go several months without seeing each other at all.  They never go out for dinners, tell each other their deepest darkest secrets, etc.

There are people in 6 month torrid affairs that had sex multiple times per week, ate lunch together every day, talked and saw each other constantly.  They feel they can't be without the other person.

There are people that fell in love with a co-worker and people that were just looking for [i]any[/i] random sex partner on an Internet dating website.

The longer it went on, obviously it's going to be more painful.  BUT, I think a one-year very involved affair (overnights, constant togetherness, sex multiple times per week/month, working in the same office, etc) would be much more painful than a 2-3 year affair from some random person off the internet where they only met up for 40 min every other month or so.  The betrayal is the same--awful.

Most male cheaters compartmentalize the affair in a completely separate box from family/wife/reality. It's common for them to state that they NEVER thought about the AP when with wife and family and never thought about the wife when with AP.

[/quote]

But if they never thought about AP why continue it and maintain any contact? Why not let it be a one night thing?? [/quote]

Because it’s sex.  You obviously aren’t male.

This type of arrangement is like drinking a bottle of Jack.  She’s the fix.  Nothing more.  A sure thing means not having to be on the constant hunt and “safer”.[/quote]

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