Serious relationship with divorced dad

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is your boyfriend's ex-wife dating anyone?

OP here. She is not from what we know. She suffers from depression and isn't the most involved parent but her daughter definitely feels loyalty to her (as she should) and has blamed the divorce on the dad even though it was the mom who wanted out and who moved out.

Well, if her relationship with her mother is troubled, that will make another maternal adult relationship very fraught

Maybe the daughter should be screened for depression. Hostility can be a symptom. Seems like she really needs her dad and time with him.

OP here. She does and she gets a ton of time with him. Her relationship with her mom isn't fraught but her mom isn't as actively involved as her dads and probably that does cause issues for kids. Today is one of the 'non custody' weekends but I sent my boyfriend to go get his daughter and spend the afternoon with her. I really would hate myself if I was the reason their relationship got strained. I would never forgive myself. He wanted me to come along but I said "no" and quoted him all this advice. TRUST ME--we are trying but also want to be together.

Of course her relationship with her mom is fraught! FFS! Her mom is depressed, not a very involved parent, and is blamed by her father for the divorce, rightly or wrongly that makes things more difficult! Come on. How could that be easy for her? This child needs therapy, and she needs to adults in her life to see her struggling and parent her appropriately. Not try to make their own dating the priority. You need to look past the treea of her rudeness and see the forest here.

OP here---my BF lets the kids blame him for the divorce. He's never shifted that back to the mom or corrected them. I am trying to look past the trees--and I am/was curious if a) this was normal and b) if i should break up with my BF because right now, I don't see a path forward. I can be patient if that's what it takes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is your boyfriend's ex-wife dating anyone?

OP here. She is not from what we know. She suffers from depression and isn't the most involved parent but her daughter definitely feels loyalty to her (as she should) and has blamed the divorce on the dad even though it was the mom who wanted out and who moved out.

Well, if her relationship with her mother is troubled, that will make another maternal adult relationship very fraught

Maybe the daughter should be screened for depression. Hostility can be a symptom. Seems like she really needs her dad and time with him.

OP here. She does and she gets a ton of time with him. Her relationship with her mom isn't fraught but her mom isn't as actively involved as her dads and probably that does cause issues for kids. Today is one of the 'non custody' weekends but I sent my boyfriend to go get his daughter and spend the afternoon with her. I really would hate myself if I was the reason their relationship got strained. I would never forgive myself. He wanted me to come along but I said "no" and quoted him all this advice. TRUST ME--we are trying but also want to be together.

Of course her relationship with her mom is fraught! FFS! Her mom is depressed, not a very involved parent, and is blamed by her father for the divorce, rightly or wrongly that makes things more difficult! Come on. How could that be easy for her? This child needs therapy, and she needs to adults in her life to see her struggling and parent her appropriately. Not try to make their own dating the priority. You need to look past the treea of her rudeness and see the forest here.

OP here---my BF lets the kids blame him for the divorce. He's never shifted that back to the mom or corrected them. I am trying to look past the trees--and I am/was curious if a) this was normal and b) if i should break up with my BF because right now, I don't see a path forward. I can be patient if that's what it takes.

Do you believe what everyone's ex says about them?

Yes it is normal, or at least not unusual, in a situation where the dad is the primary parent and the mom has issues.

Patience is not enough. How about you encourage your boyfriend to obtain mental health care for his child, instead of trying to spend more time with his girlfriend when he knows his daughter is struggling with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. “Operate as a family” means spending a weekend of spring break together—as an example. Again, not crashing their entire spring break but being able to join them for the last weekend and do Easter with them. Also, I’ve met the rest of my boyfriends family and everyone is very welcoming. They want me there. It wasn’t my idea.

Can't you understand that a weekend with you and your younger children is not very appealing to her? She doesn't want to share her already reduced time with her father! Get a clue.

Op here. Spring break would be just ME. Again, no one is intermingling our kids.

But you want to intermingle eventually, and she knows it. She has a better grasp of this situation than you do, and she doesn't want to give you an inch because you'll take a mile.

Ok. So she wins. Her dad and I can break up. Is that what you’re suggesting? Or do we stay in some sort of relationship limbo?

Yes, I think those are the choices: Breaking up or “limbo” as you put it. Which brings us back to the question you are avoiding: What does HE want in the relationship? It sounds like you have grown impatient with status quo. He may be perfectly fine with it. You are pushing for something “more” and the daughter senses it and doesn’t like it.

You may THINK you are being respectful and may intend that. But your actions may send a different signal.

OP here---HE wants to move forward because HE is tired of always being away from his house. HE wants me to come over more often because HE doesn't always want to be away from his community, his home and his chores. HE wants to be able to spend time with me and his children. He is tired of living the separate worlds we have been living so HE wants to move forward also. So that's what he wants. Again, we have been dating for 4 years. This has been well thought out--or so we thought. HE doesn't want her to be unhappy but HE is also upset and aghast that she's behaving this way. SO IS HER MOM. So you guys can pile it on me all you want but I will pick and chose between your advice. I very much understand this isn't ideal and I get that you dont get ideal with blended families. My younger kids very much also prefer their time alone with me (because their dad remarried a woman with lots of kids) and I respect their wishes. SO BOTH MY BF and I very much have our respective homes and lives but we also would like to inch this forward. His other kids and my kids do their best to tolerate it, even enjoy it. His older son (senior) has a very "IDGAF" attitude but he's always polite and doesn't run away in a huff.

Wow. Your boyfriend is all about what he wants. You are all about what you want. You two are perfect for each other. I feel sorry for the girl whom everyone wants to force into a relationship she has clearly expressed she has no interest in participating in.

Speaking of forcing into relationships - there is a principle of consent at play here. The girl has expressed that she doesn’t fee comfortable around you. She has said, “No” but neither you nor Dad are listening to her. You are too busy explaining why she should accept you, how she should behave in the way you consider polite, how she is a drama queen, how she misunderstands who is at fault in the divorce and whether she is depressed. BF is too busy focusing on how he wants his life to be. Neither of you respect the “No”. You two are not that different than a creepy guy who keeps asking for a date and explaining why the girl shouldn’t say no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. “Operate as a family” means spending a weekend of spring break together—as an example. Again, not crashing their entire spring break but being able to join them for the last weekend and do Easter with them. Also, I’ve met the rest of my boyfriends family and everyone is very welcoming. They want me there. It wasn’t my idea.

Can't you understand that a weekend with you and your younger children is not very appealing to her? She doesn't want to share her already reduced time with her father! Get a clue.

Op here. Spring break would be just ME. Again, no one is intermingling our kids.

But you want to intermingle eventually, and she knows it. She has a better grasp of this situation than you do, and she doesn't want to give you an inch because you'll take a mile.

Ok. So she wins. Her dad and I can break up. Is that what you’re suggesting? Or do we stay in some sort of relationship limbo?

Yes, I think those are the choices: Breaking up or “limbo” as you put it. Which brings us back to the question you are avoiding: What does HE want in the relationship? It sounds like you have grown impatient with status quo. He may be perfectly fine with it. You are pushing for something “more” and the daughter senses it and doesn’t like it.

You may THINK you are being respectful and may intend that. But your actions may send a different signal.

OP here---HE wants to move forward because HE is tired of always being away from his house. HE wants me to come over more often because HE doesn't always want to be away from his community, his home and his chores. HE wants to be able to spend time with me and his children. He is tired of living the separate worlds we have been living so HE wants to move forward also. So that's what he wants. Again, we have been dating for 4 years. This has been well thought out--or so we thought. HE doesn't want her to be unhappy but HE is also upset and aghast that she's behaving this way. SO IS HER MOM. So you guys can pile it on me all you want but I will pick and chose between your advice. I very much understand this isn't ideal and I get that you dont get ideal with blended families. My younger kids very much also prefer their time alone with me (because their dad remarried a woman with lots of kids) and I respect their wishes. SO BOTH MY BF and I very much have our respective homes and lives but we also would like to inch this forward. His other kids and my kids do their best to tolerate it, even enjoy it. His older son (senior) has a very "IDGAF" attitude but he's always polite and doesn't run away in a huff.

Wow. Your boyfriend is all about what he wants. You are all about what you want. You two are perfect for each other. I feel sorry for the girl whom everyone wants to force into a relationship she has clearly expressed she has no interest in participating in.

Speaking of forcing into relationships - there is a principle of consent at play here. The girl has expressed that she doesn’t fee comfortable around you. She has said, “No” but neither you nor Dad are listening to her. You are too busy explaining why she should accept you, how she should behave in the way you consider polite, how she is a drama queen, how she misunderstands who is at fault in the divorce and whether she is depressed. BF is too busy focusing on how he wants his life to be. Neither of you respect the “No”. You two are not that different than a creepy guy who keeps asking for a date and explaining why the girl shouldn’t say no.

OP here--ok, let's go with respecting her "no". What now? Do we break up? Everyone says wait until you're dead serious to meet the kids, we did. But at this point, i wish i knew there would be an issue before we were so invested

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. “Operate as a family” means spending a weekend of spring break together—as an example. Again, not crashing their entire spring break but being able to join them for the last weekend and do Easter with them. Also, I’ve met the rest of my boyfriends family and everyone is very welcoming. They want me there. It wasn’t my idea.

Can't you understand that a weekend with you and your younger children is not very appealing to her? She doesn't want to share her already reduced time with her father! Get a clue.

Op here. Spring break would be just ME. Again, no one is intermingling our kids.

But you want to intermingle eventually, and she knows it. She has a better grasp of this situation than you do, and she doesn't want to give you an inch because you'll take a mile.

Ok. So she wins. Her dad and I can break up. Is that what you’re suggesting? Or do we stay in some sort of relationship limbo?

Yes, I think those are the choices: Breaking up or “limbo” as you put it. Which brings us back to the question you are avoiding: What does HE want in the relationship? It sounds like you have grown impatient with status quo. He may be perfectly fine with it. You are pushing for something “more” and the daughter senses it and doesn’t like it.

You may THINK you are being respectful and may intend that. But your actions may send a different signal.

OP here---HE wants to move forward because HE is tired of always being away from his house. HE wants me to come over more often because HE doesn't always want to be away from his community, his home and his chores. HE wants to be able to spend time with me and his children. He is tired of living the separate worlds we have been living so HE wants to move forward also. So that's what he wants. Again, we have been dating for 4 years. This has been well thought out--or so we thought. HE doesn't want her to be unhappy but HE is also upset and aghast that she's behaving this way. SO IS HER MOM. So you guys can pile it on me all you want but I will pick and chose between your advice. I very much understand this isn't ideal and I get that you dont get ideal with blended families. My younger kids very much also prefer their time alone with me (because their dad remarried a woman with lots of kids) and I respect their wishes. SO BOTH MY BF and I very much have our respective homes and lives but we also would like to inch this forward. His other kids and my kids do their best to tolerate it, even enjoy it. His older son (senior) has a very "IDGAF" attitude but he's always polite and doesn't run away in a huff.

Wow. Your boyfriend is all about what he wants. You are all about what you want. You two are perfect for each other. I feel sorry for the girl whom everyone wants to force into a relationship she has clearly expressed she has no interest in participating in.

Speaking of forcing into relationships - there is a principle of consent at play here. The girl has expressed that she doesn’t fee comfortable around you. She has said, “No” but neither you nor Dad are listening to her. You are too busy explaining why she should accept you, how she should behave in the way you consider polite, how she is a drama queen, how she misunderstands who is at fault in the divorce and whether she is depressed. BF is too busy focusing on how he wants his life to be. Neither of you respect the “No”. You two are not that different than a creepy guy who keeps asking for a date and explaining why the girl shouldn’t say no.

OP here--ok, let's go with respecting her "no". What now? Do we break up? Everyone says wait until you're dead serious to meet the kids, we did. But at this point, i wish i knew there would be an issue before we were so invested

???? She's been acting like this the whole time, right? You knew it was an issue, you just didn't want to acknowledge it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. “Operate as a family” means spending a weekend of spring break together—as an example. Again, not crashing their entire spring break but being able to join them for the last weekend and do Easter with them. Also, I’ve met the rest of my boyfriends family and everyone is very welcoming. They want me there. It wasn’t my idea.

Can't you understand that a weekend with you and your younger children is not very appealing to her? She doesn't want to share her already reduced time with her father! Get a clue.

Op here. Spring break would be just ME. Again, no one is intermingling our kids.

But you want to intermingle eventually, and she knows it. She has a better grasp of this situation than you do, and she doesn't want to give you an inch because you'll take a mile.

Ok. So she wins. Her dad and I can break up. Is that what you’re suggesting? Or do we stay in some sort of relationship limbo?

Yes, I think those are the choices: Breaking up or “limbo” as you put it. Which brings us back to the question you are avoiding: What does HE want in the relationship? It sounds like you have grown impatient with status quo. He may be perfectly fine with it. You are pushing for something “more” and the daughter senses it and doesn’t like it.

You may THINK you are being respectful and may intend that. But your actions may send a different signal.

OP here---HE wants to move forward because HE is tired of always being away from his house. HE wants me to come over more often because HE doesn't always want to be away from his community, his home and his chores. HE wants to be able to spend time with me and his children. He is tired of living the separate worlds we have been living so HE wants to move forward also. So that's what he wants. Again, we have been dating for 4 years. This has been well thought out--or so we thought. HE doesn't want her to be unhappy but HE is also upset and aghast that she's behaving this way. SO IS HER MOM. So you guys can pile it on me all you want but I will pick and chose between your advice. I very much understand this isn't ideal and I get that you dont get ideal with blended families. My younger kids very much also prefer their time alone with me (because their dad remarried a woman with lots of kids) and I respect their wishes. SO BOTH MY BF and I very much have our respective homes and lives but we also would like to inch this forward. His other kids and my kids do their best to tolerate it, even enjoy it. His older son (senior) has a very "IDGAF" attitude but he's always polite and doesn't run away in a huff.

Wow. Your boyfriend is all about what he wants. You are all about what you want. You two are perfect for each other. I feel sorry for the girl whom everyone wants to force into a relationship she has clearly expressed she has no interest in participating in.

Speaking of forcing into relationships - there is a principle of consent at play here. The girl has expressed that she doesn’t fee comfortable around you. She has said, “No” but neither you nor Dad are listening to her. You are too busy explaining why she should accept you, how she should behave in the way you consider polite, how she is a drama queen, how she misunderstands who is at fault in the divorce and whether she is depressed. BF is too busy focusing on how he wants his life to be. Neither of you respect the “No”. You two are not that different than a creepy guy who keeps asking for a date and explaining why the girl shouldn’t say no.

Wow, what a stretch, equating this to a creepy guy. It’s hard to even take you seriously. OP has done everything right when it comes to dating someone who is divorced yet you still want to crucify her. Let me guess, you’re either a scorned ex-wife or some super judgmental married-for-20-sexless years ivory tower type.

The daughter is acting like a spoiled brat and probably just wants to get her way or exercise some form of control over her parents and this is her way of doing it. Yes she should get therapy. But OP and her BF have done absolutely nothing wrong here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. “Operate as a family” means spending a weekend of spring break together—as an example. Again, not crashing their entire spring break but being able to join them for the last weekend and do Easter with them. Also, I’ve met the rest of my boyfriends family and everyone is very welcoming. They want me there. It wasn’t my idea.

Can't you understand that a weekend with you and your younger children is not very appealing to her? She doesn't want to share her already reduced time with her father! Get a clue.

Op here. Spring break would be just ME. Again, no one is intermingling our kids.

But you want to intermingle eventually, and she knows it. She has a better grasp of this situation than you do, and she doesn't want to give you an inch because you'll take a mile.

Ok. So she wins. Her dad and I can break up. Is that what you’re suggesting? Or do we stay in some sort of relationship limbo?

Yes, I think those are the choices: Breaking up or “limbo” as you put it. Which brings us back to the question you are avoiding: What does HE want in the relationship? It sounds like you have grown impatient with status quo. He may be perfectly fine with it. You are pushing for something “more” and the daughter senses it and doesn’t like it.

You may THINK you are being respectful and may intend that. But your actions may send a different signal.

OP here---HE wants to move forward because HE is tired of always being away from his house. HE wants me to come over more often because HE doesn't always want to be away from his community, his home and his chores. HE wants to be able to spend time with me and his children. He is tired of living the separate worlds we have been living so HE wants to move forward also. So that's what he wants. Again, we have been dating for 4 years. This has been well thought out--or so we thought. HE doesn't want her to be unhappy but HE is also upset and aghast that she's behaving this way. SO IS HER MOM. So you guys can pile it on me all you want but I will pick and chose between your advice. I very much understand this isn't ideal and I get that you dont get ideal with blended families. My younger kids very much also prefer their time alone with me (because their dad remarried a woman with lots of kids) and I respect their wishes. SO BOTH MY BF and I very much have our respective homes and lives but we also would like to inch this forward. His other kids and my kids do their best to tolerate it, even enjoy it. His older son (senior) has a very "IDGAF" attitude but he's always polite and doesn't run away in a huff.

Wow. Your boyfriend is all about what he wants. You are all about what you want. You two are perfect for each other. I feel sorry for the girl whom everyone wants to force into a relationship she has clearly expressed she has no interest in participating in.

Speaking of forcing into relationships - there is a principle of consent at play here. The girl has expressed that she doesn’t fee comfortable around you. She has said, “No” but neither you nor Dad are listening to her. You are too busy explaining why she should accept you, how she should behave in the way you consider polite, how she is a drama queen, how she misunderstands who is at fault in the divorce and whether she is depressed. BF is too busy focusing on how he wants his life to be. Neither of you respect the “No”. You two are not that different than a creepy guy who keeps asking for a date and explaining why the girl shouldn’t say no.

OP here--ok, let's go with respecting her "no". What now? Do we break up? Everyone says wait until you're dead serious to meet the kids, we did. But at this point, i wish i knew there would be an issue before we were so invested

Sometimes just slowing it down for a couple of years works. It sounds like she will be off to college in two years. Did you and boyfriend date others before becoming serious.
Generally it is recommended no dating for 1 year after divorce and then date casually (meet a lot of people) for at least another year.

Conversely, I'd talk to boyfriend and tell him you don't feel comfortable at his house with daughter. You feel like she wants more time with Dad. I'm not a big believer in counseling
but possible some therapy for Dad with Daughter where Dad says in front of therapist I would like to see _____ as an adult.

I saw your comment that your boyfriend does not want to come to your place. Ignore all of that. Any man in the dating pool will be taking women out and going to their place.
His marriage blew up. Dating is not convenient when you have children.

[Anonymous]

OP,

My divorced friends who dated with children would generally have one date night on their own. They did not force
the families with children together. Once the kids were in college than my friends were able to spend a lot more time together.

[Anonymous]

Op a if he can’t get his daughter to be nice or civil to you then he is going to have to put up with the inconvenience of being at your house rather than his. You shouldn’t have to be in an environment where you are treated poorly simply because it is easier for him.

[Anonymous]

Op here—
Yes, we both had long term-ish relationships since our divorce. This is both our second serious relationship and we want it to be our last. We are committed. He’s fine inconveniencing himself by being at my house solely but he also wants his kids on board and he thinks that by having me casually be there from time to time will help so they get to know me. It is happening with his sons. It isn’t happening with his daughter.

I met her two years ago and she wasn’t this hostile at 14 but at that point, I really kept my distance so we never got to bond. And one day she totally turned. My boyfriend thinks she’s settling into rebellious behavior and wants her way always. She’s like that with many aspects of her life. I’m just discussing the parts that have to do with me. I don’t care if she talks back and throws hissy fits because her dad makes her put her laundry away. That’s their issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP,

My divorced friends who dated with children would generally have one date night on their own. They did not force
the families with children together. Once the kids were in college than my friends were able to spend a lot more time together.

Op here. We mostly do that. We would like to spend more time with our respective families because we acknowledge this is where our relationship is heading and that we are package deals with our kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP,

My divorced friends who dated with children would generally have one date night on their own. They did not force
the families with children together. Once the kids were in college than my friends were able to spend a lot more time together.

Op here. We mostly do that. We would like to spend more time with our respective families because we acknowledge this is where our relationship is heading and that we are package deals with our kids.

Well, it might be, OP, that you're not going to get the family situation that you want, or you'll have to wait a while and accept something that isn't as good. It's okay to feel sad about it, but children of divorce aren't going to have a lot of sympathy for you. This is our normal (except instead of an annoying boyfriend's daughter, I have an annoying dad's girlfriend).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here—
Yes, we both had long term-ish relationships since our divorce. This is both our second serious relationship and we want it to be our last. We are committed. He’s fine inconveniencing himself by being at my house solely but he also wants his kids on board and he thinks that by having me casually be there from time to time will help so they get to know me. It is happening with his sons. It isn’t happening with his daughter.

I met her two years ago and she wasn’t this hostile at 14 but at that point, I really kept my distance so we never got to bond. And one day she totally turned. My boyfriend thinks she’s settling into rebellious behavior and wants her way always. She’s like that with many aspects of her life. I’m just discussing the parts that have to do with me. I don’t care if she talks back and throws hissy fits because her dad makes her put her laundry away. That’s their issue.

Ok, that also screams mental health issue. Or possibly he isn't parenting her effectively, which makes me wonder why you want him as your children's stepfather.

[Anonymous]

I think he needs to step up and be a parent. Daughter needs a set schedule in each house and she needs some 1-1 time with her Dad on a scheduled regular basis. She's probably getting put in the middle of both parents and mix that with 5 kids and its a very hard spot to be in. How much time does he really spend with her?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here—
Yes, we both had long term-ish relationships since our divorce. This is both our second serious relationship and we want it to be our last. We are committed. He’s fine inconveniencing himself by being at my house solely but he also wants his kids on board and he thinks that by having me casually be there from time to time will help so they get to know me. It is happening with his sons. It isn’t happening with his daughter.

I met her two years ago and she wasn’t this hostile at 14 but at that point, I really kept my distance so we never got to bond. And one day she totally turned. My boyfriend thinks she’s settling into rebellious behavior and wants her way always. She’s like that with many aspects of her life. I’m just discussing the parts that have to do with me. I don’t care if she talks back and throws hissy fits because her dad makes her put her laundry away. That’s their issue.

Have you tried spending time with her? Take her out alone shopping or out to eat and let her get to know you?