Serious relationship with divorced dad

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. “Operate as a family” means spending a weekend of spring break together—as an example. Again, not crashing their entire spring break but being able to join them for the last weekend and do Easter with them. Also, I’ve met the rest of my boyfriends family and everyone is very welcoming. They want me there. It wasn’t my idea.

Can't you understand that a weekend with you and your younger children is not very appealing to her? She doesn't want to share her already reduced time with her father! Get a clue.

Op here. Spring break would be just ME. Again, no one is intermingling our kids.

But you want to intermingle eventually, and she knows it. She has a better grasp of this situation than you do, and she doesn't want to give you an inch because you'll take a mile.

Ok. So she wins. Her dad and I can break up. Is that what you’re suggesting? Or do we stay in some sort of relationship limbo?

Yes, I think those are the choices: Breaking up or “limbo” as you put it. Which brings us back to the question you are avoiding: What does HE want in the relationship? It sounds like you have grown impatient with status quo. He may be perfectly fine with it. You are pushing for something “more” and the daughter senses it and doesn’t like it.

You may THINK you are being respectful and may intend that. But your actions may send a different signal.

OP here---HE wants to move forward because HE is tired of always being away from his house. HE wants me to come over more often because HE doesn't always want to be away from his community, his home and his chores. HE wants to be able to spend time with me and his children. He is tired of living the separate worlds we have been living so HE wants to move forward also. So that's what he wants. Again, we have been dating for 4 years. This has been well thought out--or so we thought. HE doesn't want her to be unhappy but HE is also upset and aghast that she's behaving this way. SO IS HER MOM. So you guys can pile it on me all you want but I will pick and chose between your advice. I very much understand this isn't ideal and I get that you dont get ideal with blended families. My younger kids very much also prefer their time alone with me (because their dad remarried a woman with lots of kids) and I respect their wishes. SO BOTH MY BF and I very much have our respective homes and lives but we also would like to inch this forward. His other kids and my kids do their best to tolerate it, even enjoy it. His older son (senior) has a very "IDGAF" attitude but he's always polite and doesn't run away in a huff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How long has your boyfriend been divorced?

OP here. He has been divorced 7 years

[Anonymous]

Is your boyfriend's ex-wife dating anyone?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. “Operate as a family” means spending a weekend of spring break together—as an example. Again, not crashing their entire spring break but being able to join them for the last weekend and do Easter with them. Also, I’ve met the rest of my boyfriends family and everyone is very welcoming. They want me there. It wasn’t my idea.

Can't you understand that a weekend with you and your younger children is not very appealing to her? She doesn't want to share her already reduced time with her father! Get a clue.

Op here. Spring break would be just ME. Again, no one is intermingling our kids.

But you want to intermingle eventually, and she knows it. She has a better grasp of this situation than you do, and she doesn't want to give you an inch because you'll take a mile.

Ok. So she wins. Her dad and I can break up. Is that what you’re suggesting? Or do we stay in some sort of relationship limbo?

Yes, I think those are the choices: Breaking up or “limbo” as you put it. Which brings us back to the question you are avoiding: What does HE want in the relationship? It sounds like you have grown impatient with status quo. He may be perfectly fine with it. You are pushing for something “more” and the daughter senses it and doesn’t like it.

You may THINK you are being respectful and may intend that. But your actions may send a different signal.

OP here---HE wants to move forward because HE is tired of always being away from his house. HE wants me to come over more often because HE doesn't always want to be away from his community, his home and his chores. HE wants to be able to spend time with me and his children. He is tired of living the separate worlds we have been living so HE wants to move forward also. So that's what he wants. Again, we have been dating for 4 years. This has been well thought out--or so we thought. HE doesn't want her to be unhappy but HE is also upset and aghast that she's behaving this way. SO IS HER MOM. So you guys can pile it on me all you want but I will pick and chose between your advice. I very much understand this isn't ideal and I get that you dont get ideal with blended families. My younger kids very much also prefer their time alone with me (because their dad remarried a woman with lots of kids) and I respect their wishes. SO BOTH MY BF and I very much have our respective homes and lives but we also would like to inch this forward. His other kids and my kids do their best to tolerate it, even enjoy it. His older son (senior) has a very "IDGAF" attitude but he's always polite and doesn't run away in a huff.

Well 18 yo has one foot out the door.

If you are faithfully relaying his desires than do what you do and just ignore the moody teen. You will not coax her to accept you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. “Operate as a family” means spending a weekend of spring break together—as an example. Again, not crashing their entire spring break but being able to join them for the last weekend and do Easter with them. Also, I’ve met the rest of my boyfriends family and everyone is very welcoming. They want me there. It wasn’t my idea.

Can't you understand that a weekend with you and your younger children is not very appealing to her? She doesn't want to share her already reduced time with her father! Get a clue.

Op here. Spring break would be just ME. Again, no one is intermingling our kids.

But you want to intermingle eventually, and she knows it. She has a better grasp of this situation than you do, and she doesn't want to give you an inch because you'll take a mile.

Ok. So she wins. Her dad and I can break up. Is that what you’re suggesting? Or do we stay in some sort of relationship limbo?

Yes, I think those are the choices: Breaking up or “limbo” as you put it. Which brings us back to the question you are avoiding: What does HE want in the relationship? It sounds like you have grown impatient with status quo. He may be perfectly fine with it. You are pushing for something “more” and the daughter senses it and doesn’t like it.

You may THINK you are being respectful and may intend that. But your actions may send a different signal.

OP here---HE wants to move forward because HE is tired of always being away from his house. HE wants me to come over more often because HE doesn't always want to be away from his community, his home and his chores. HE wants to be able to spend time with me and his children. He is tired of living the separate worlds we have been living so HE wants to move forward also. So that's what he wants. Again, we have been dating for 4 years. This has been well thought out--or so we thought. HE doesn't want her to be unhappy but HE is also upset and aghast that she's behaving this way. SO IS HER MOM. So you guys can pile it on me all you want but I will pick and chose between your advice. I very much understand this isn't ideal and I get that you dont get ideal with blended families. My younger kids very much also prefer their time alone with me (because their dad remarried a woman with lots of kids) and I respect their wishes. SO BOTH MY BF and I very much have our respective homes and lives but we also would like to inch this forward. His other kids and my kids do their best to tolerate it, even enjoy it. His older son (senior) has a very "IDGAF" attitude but he's always polite and doesn't run away in a huff.

We understand that you want that. But, as children of divorce all know, sometimes the family we want is not possible because one person is unwilling to be in a family with another person. Or because someone is not willing to behave in a way that other people can tolerate. This happens all the time! Yes, it feels unfair to you and your boyfriend. Yes, you have no good options. Bummer. You get what you get.

You and he aren't going to make any progress with his daughter until you acknowledge that this isn't about just politeness or a brief visit or a weekend. It is about you and your children's long-term role in her family life and you need to acknowledge that that is what's at stake here. Frankly if you are this willfully obtuse in person I wouldn't like you either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is your boyfriend's ex-wife dating anyone?

OP here. She is not from what we know. She suffers from depression and isn't the most involved parent but her daughter definitely feels loyalty to her (as she should) and has blamed the divorce on the dad even though it was the mom who wanted out and who moved out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. “Operate as a family” means spending a weekend of spring break together—as an example. Again, not crashing their entire spring break but being able to join them for the last weekend and do Easter with them. Also, I’ve met the rest of my boyfriends family and everyone is very welcoming. They want me there. It wasn’t my idea.

Can't you understand that a weekend with you and your younger children is not very appealing to her? She doesn't want to share her already reduced time with her father! Get a clue.

Op here. Spring break would be just ME. Again, no one is intermingling our kids.

But you want to intermingle eventually, and she knows it. She has a better grasp of this situation than you do, and she doesn't want to give you an inch because you'll take a mile.

Ok. So she wins. Her dad and I can break up. Is that what you’re suggesting? Or do we stay in some sort of relationship limbo?

Yes, I think those are the choices: Breaking up or “limbo” as you put it. Which brings us back to the question you are avoiding: What does HE want in the relationship? It sounds like you have grown impatient with status quo. He may be perfectly fine with it. You are pushing for something “more” and the daughter senses it and doesn’t like it.

You may THINK you are being respectful and may intend that. But your actions may send a different signal.

OP here---HE wants to move forward because HE is tired of always being away from his house. HE wants me to come over more often because HE doesn't always want to be away from his community, his home and his chores. HE wants to be able to spend time with me and his children. He is tired of living the separate worlds we have been living so HE wants to move forward also. So that's what he wants. Again, we have been dating for 4 years. This has been well thought out--or so we thought. HE doesn't want her to be unhappy but HE is also upset and aghast that she's behaving this way. SO IS HER MOM. So you guys can pile it on me all you want but I will pick and chose between your advice. I very much understand this isn't ideal and I get that you dont get ideal with blended families. My younger kids very much also prefer their time alone with me (because their dad remarried a woman with lots of kids) and I respect their wishes. SO BOTH MY BF and I very much have our respective homes and lives but we also would like to inch this forward. His other kids and my kids do their best to tolerate it, even enjoy it. His older son (senior) has a very "IDGAF" attitude but he's always polite and doesn't run away in a huff.

We understand that you want that. But, as children of divorce all know, sometimes the family we want is not possible because one person is unwilling to be in a family with another person. Or because someone is not willing to behave in a way that other people can tolerate. This happens all the time! Yes, it feels unfair to you and your boyfriend. Yes, you have no good options. Bummer. You get what you get.

You and he aren't going to make any progress with his daughter until you acknowledge that this isn't about just politeness or a brief visit or a weekend. It is about you and your children's long-term role in her family life and you need to acknowledge that that is what's at stake here. Frankly if you are this willfully obtuse in person I wouldn't like you either.

OP here/ This has been acknowledged. We would not be putting her through this if this wasnt about moving forward on a long term basis. She knows this. No one is ignoring that part.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is your boyfriend's ex-wife dating anyone?

OP here. She is not from what we know. She suffers from depression and isn't the most involved parent but her daughter definitely feels loyalty to her (as she should) and has blamed the divorce on the dad even though it was the mom who wanted out and who moved out.

OP again. The reason for the divorce was because my boyfriends EX thinks she is a lesbian and has not come out as such to anyone but to my boyfriend. She's "exploring" these feelings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is your boyfriend's ex-wife dating anyone?

OP here. She is not from what we know. She suffers from depression and isn't the most involved parent but her daughter definitely feels loyalty to her (as she should) and has blamed the divorce on the dad even though it was the mom who wanted out and who moved out.

Well, if her relationship with her mother is troubled, that will make another maternal adult relationship very fraught

Maybe the daughter should be screened for depression. Hostility can be a symptom. Seems like she really needs her dad and time with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is your boyfriend's ex-wife dating anyone?

OP here. She is not from what we know. She suffers from depression and isn't the most involved parent but her daughter definitely feels loyalty to her (as she should) and has blamed the divorce on the dad even though it was the mom who wanted out and who moved out.

Well, if her relationship with her mother is troubled, that will make another maternal adult relationship very fraught

Maybe the daughter should be screened for depression. Hostility can be a symptom. Seems like she really needs her dad and time with him.

OP here. She does and she gets a ton of time with him. Her relationship with her mom isn't fraught but her mom isn't as actively involved as her dads and probably that does cause issues for kids. Today is one of the 'non custody' weekends but I sent my boyfriend to go get his daughter and spend the afternoon with her. I really would hate myself if I was the reason their relationship got strained. I would never forgive myself. He wanted me to come along but I said "no" and quoted him all this advice. TRUST ME--we are trying but also want to be together.

[Anonymous]

Wow. I cannot believe the posts from the DM crowd. OP - the only thing you are doing wrong is asking this group for advice. Get off this board and keep doing what you are doing. Her behavior is normal and should not drive your relationship. Do not break up, and try to ignore her bad behavior as much as possible. She will grow up, trust me.

Stepmom of 2

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow. I cannot believe the posts from the DM crowd. OP - the only thing you are doing wrong is asking this group for advice. Get off this board and keep doing what you are doing. Her behavior is normal and should not drive your relationship. Do not break up, and try to ignore her bad behavior as much as possible. She will grow up, trust me.

Stepmom of 2

OP here. thank you for this. Did you have any trouble with a dad's teenage daughter?

[Anonymous]

Too bad for you that your boyfriend isn't more like my exH. He cut our daughter out of his life and chose the girlfriend and her daughter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Too bad for you that your boyfriend isn't more like my exH. He cut our daughter out of his life and chose the girlfriend and her daughter.

OP-I would rather walk away from a man like that. That's awful

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is your boyfriend's ex-wife dating anyone?

OP here. She is not from what we know. She suffers from depression and isn't the most involved parent but her daughter definitely feels loyalty to her (as she should) and has blamed the divorce on the dad even though it was the mom who wanted out and who moved out.

Well, if her relationship with her mother is troubled, that will make another maternal adult relationship very fraught

Maybe the daughter should be screened for depression. Hostility can be a symptom. Seems like she really needs her dad and time with him.

OP here. She does and she gets a ton of time with him. Her relationship with her mom isn't fraught but her mom isn't as actively involved as her dads and probably that does cause issues for kids. Today is one of the 'non custody' weekends but I sent my boyfriend to go get his daughter and spend the afternoon with her. I really would hate myself if I was the reason their relationship got strained. I would never forgive myself. He wanted me to come along but I said "no" and quoted him all this advice. TRUST ME--we are trying but also want to be together.

Of course her relationship with her mom is fraught! FFS! Her mom is depressed, not a very involved parent, and is blamed by her father for the divorce, rightly or wrongly that makes things more difficult! Come on. How could that be easy for her? This child needs therapy, and she needs to adults in her life to see her struggling and parent her appropriately. Not try to make their own dating the priority. You need to look past the treea of her rudeness and see the forest here.